Friendzone Update

[tigressA]

I decided to post here about what happened...

 

I 'caught feelings'; we were hanging out more and more and I just started liking him, liking the way we connected. I decided I wanted to date him. I let him know on my blog that he follows (and I follow his) the same night I realized it. He read it (and really liked it; he thought it was very creative and endearing) and at work the next day let me down gently. I was fine with it.

 

Saturday we hung out for 6 hours. He talked about his ex at least half the time (he and I are both 25, this girl is 19)--generally, how awful she is and how he is trying to get her to realize these things about herself and change. He showed me this text exchange they had the night I wrote 'the post'--she'd blown him off. There was this long rant from him to her. In it, he mentioned my post as a 'wake-up call' she now has.

 

He showed me things he wrote in his little journal about his ex and some other girls, and about me. All about how awful his ex and these other girls turned out to be, etc--and the post about me was basically "She's really great". He also said his ex is really jealous of me; she knows we hang out all the time at work (Gee, I wonder who told her).

 

His ex started following my blog; I told him I was going to block her (I have since blocked her) and he said, "No, don't, she should see what a real woman acts like." I should've kicked him out right then but the attractiveness fog was still obscuring my vision until he left.

 

I'm hip to his game and I'm not interested in playing. He's using me as a stick to poke at his ex with. If he asks what's wrong, I'll tell him, but otherwise I have no plans to continue interacting with him.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I'm hip to his game and I'm not interested in playing. He's using me as a stick to poke at his ex with. If he asks what's wrong, I'll tell him, but otherwise I have no plans to continue interacting with him.

 

Wish there was a "thumbs-up" emoticon.

 

I think you've got it 100% right and I wouldn't bother with him any longer.

[Star Gazer]

Sorry I didn't respond to your PM.

 

My take is that, as he said, he doesn't like you "that way," but is enjoying the boost the flirtation/attention from you has given him. I don't so much see it as him using you to poke his ex, but as a reminder to himself that he's some semblance of a catch. In short, he sounds really insecure, and you're one of the last people on Earth that I think could handle an attention seeking guy like that. He'd drive you bonkers.

 

So, it's good that you're moving on.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Sorry I didn't respond to your PM.

 

My take is that, as he said, he doesn't like you "that way," but is enjoying the boost the flirtation/attention from you has given him. I don't so much see it as him using you to poke his ex, but as a reminder to himself that he's some semblance of a catch. In short, he sounds really insecure, and you're one of the last people on Earth that I think could handle an attention seeking guy like that. He'd drive you bonkers.

 

So, it's good that you're moving on.

 

This is a good possibility too. Either way, launch!!

[tigressA]

It's definitely that too, SG. He did mention that he never felt 'good enough' for any of the girls he dated. He always felt like he was second-string, never first choice. Waaaaaaaaay insecure.

 

Thanks for the imaginary thumbs-up, Kiss. P.S. LOVE the new avvie!

[Art_Critic]

I'm hip to his game and I'm not interested in playing.

 

Then unblock his ex..

Blocking her is playing his game..

[kaylan]

oh wells OP. A few people called it in your other thread, and you never came off as the hookup type to me. I figured you liked him, but you are better off that you didnt get involved.

 

Im 25 as well, and would you want to deal with a guy who allows himself to get drama from some 19 yr old kid? Yes I said kid people...those under 21 are kids imo and very immature when it comes to dating. I have no interest in girls that young. If hes more interested in a girl whos trouble and hes insecure on top of that, I think you are just better off.

 

And why did you let your feeling be known in a blog? No offense but are we all in high school? lolz. I havent done something like that since I had a xanga (its like live journal for those who dont know). But yeah, Im just curious why you didnt outright tell him.

[Star Gazer]

It's definitely that too, SG. He did mention that he never felt 'good enough' for any of the girls he dated. He always felt like he was second-string, never first choice. Waaaaaaaaay insecure.

 

It's kinda the precursor to a GIGS thing. Once he realizes, "Oh, hey... TA liked me... she's hot... and cool... I wonder what OTHER hot and cool chicks will dig me too! I'm gonna go find out, and keep trading up!"

 

Lame.

 

The best way to avoid his game is to just not engage at all. I agree with Art that blocking her is in part engaging. To not engage means living your life without reference or care to him or how it affects him and/or his relationships.

[kaylan]

Btw, does anyone else find it creepy and "too much too soon" to be showing some girl at work his personal feelings that he writes in his journal regarding other women? And also weird and too soon to be opening up about other girls to a chick who just professed interest in him? I think this guy knows nothing regarding how to behave with the opposite sex. Either that or hes just inconsiderate. Why dig a knife into someone who developed feelings for you by trying to make them your cry pillow for your sad sack stories of failures with other women? Jeez

[ohmygoshistalk]

is it generally bad if a guy talks about his ex or other girls with you?

 

i just dont want to look at it in black/white but i have a feeling it generally isnt a good idea..

 

people are saying he is just enjoying the flirtation, but is that really all there is?

 

maybe he is a socially inept person and doesnt know how to like, treat people or the "rules" of not bringing up your ex or other girls around a girl you like?

Edited May 13, 2012 by ohmygoshistalk

[tigressA]

Btw, does anyone else find it creepy and "too much too soon" to be showing some girl at work his personal feelings that he writes in his journal regarding other women? And also weird and too soon to be opening up about other girls to a chick who just professed interest in him? I think this guy knows nothing regarding how to behave with the opposite sex. Either that or hes just inconsiderate. Why dig a knife into someone who developed feelings for you by trying to make them your cry pillow for your sad sack stories of failures with other women? Jeez

 

It wasn't even that I was offended by. That didn't bother me. What really bothers me is finding out that I am being used to make his ex jealous. He doesn't really see me as a friend, or even necessarily as a person. I'm just a means to an end with him.

[Star Gazer]

is it generally bad if a guy talks about his ex or other girls with you?

 

When you've been flirting with a girl and/or know she "likes" you "in that way," I'd say it's very poor form to talk about your feelings for other girls with her.

[tigressA]

Tomorrow he starts on my shift...which means we come in, take our breaks, and leave at the same times. It may be a little more difficult to avoid him.

 

I decided I'll be immediately up-front and tell him how I feel about all this. I think I will ask him if he wants to talk after work. Telling him while at work seems to be in poor taste. Is it?

[Feelsgoodman]

When you've been flirting with a girl and/or know she "likes" you "in that way," I'd say it's very poor form to talk about your feelings for other girls with her.

I disagree. If someone tells you that he is not interested in you romantically and you decide to hang out with him anyway "as friends", you shouldn't complain about him being "insensitive". You put yourself in that position and it's not fair to impose yourself on another person expecting some kind of extra sensitive treatment simply because you've "caught feelings". This is why it's generally not a good idea to be friends with someone you are attracted to.

 

In any event, the OP comes across as a bit of a drama mama, so I'm sure that in some perverse way she's actually enjoying this turn of events. I have a feeling we'll be hearing more about this guy in the future.

[ohmygoshistalk]

well tigressa i dont want to semi hijack ur post but the thing is were sort of in the same boat, except for some other major issues ..

but the issue is sort of the same.

 

anyway i would advice against "telling him about it" because ur not in a relationship..and i wouldnt want you to give him the satisfaction of telling him he hurt your feelings.

[Star Gazer]

I disagree. If someone tells you that he is not interested in you romantically and you decide to hang out with him anyway "as friends", you shouldn't complain about him being "insensitive". You put yourself in that position and it's not fair to impose yourself on another person expecting some kind of extra sensitive treatment simply because you've "caught feelings". This is why it's generally not a good idea to be friends with someone you are attracted to.

 

So, it's okay for him to BE insensitive, just not okay for TA to complain about it? Hmph.

 

I can't imagine ever flaunting my feelings for Guy A to Guy B, if I knew Guy B "liked" me, regardless of how I knew Guy B liked me or whether I'd already let Guy B down. It's just not nice.

 

Golden Rule.

[Star Gazer]

Tomorrow he starts on my shift...which means we come in, take our breaks, and leave at the same times. It may be a little more difficult to avoid him.

 

I decided I'll be immediately up-front and tell him how I feel about all this. I think I will ask him if he wants to talk after work. Telling him while at work seems to be in poor taste. Is it?

 

Again, I wouldn't engage him - at all. There's no need to be "up front" with him, or tell him how you feel about any of it. It won't change anything.

[Art_Critic]

Again, I wouldn't engage him - at all. There's no need to be "up front" with him, or tell him how you feel about any of it. It won't change anything.

 

True.. engaging him will just make him feel funny about working with her..

[tigressA]

I disagree. If someone tells you that he is not interested in you romantically and you decide to hang out with him anyway "as friends", you shouldn't complain about him being "insensitive". You put yourself in that position and it's not fair to impose yourself on another person expecting some kind of extra sensitive treatment simply because you've "caught feelings". This is why it's generally not a good idea to be friends with someone you are attracted to.

 

I agree, generally.

 

This isn't about him having poor social skills or whatever else. I put myself in the position to hear about that stuff he was spouting off to me about. I had a choice not to. I don't see myself as a victim in that regard.

 

What I do have an objection to is how he is characterizing me. It became crystal-clear that he doesn't see me as a friend, but as an object to use to provoke someone else and boost his ego. I bet once he gets back with his ex, or finds some other girl to latch onto, I will be dropped like a hot potato and whatever 'friendship' we had will disappear.

 

And I just answered my own question...yeah, talking to him about it won't change a thing because of how he already sees me. As not a person.

[Art_Critic]

Why should I care about how 'funny' or 'weird' he might feel?

 

for one.. it's a good way to get written up..

 

You need to be professional while at work and not bring your personal feelings into the workplace.

[Feelsgoodman]

So, it's okay for him to BE insensitive, just not okay for TA to complain about it? Hmph.

 

I can't imagine ever flaunting my feelings for Guy A to Guy B, if I knew Guy B "liked" me, regardless of how I knew Guy B liked me or whether I'd already let Guy B down. It's just not nice.

 

Golden Rule.

The guy told the OP several times that he's not interested in her that way, yet she's basically accosting him and trying to change his mind. Why else would she spend 6 hours hanging with someone who has just rejected her? What this guy did may not have been sensitive but the OP only has herself to blame.

[Feelsgoodman]

What I do have an objection to is how he is characterizing me. It became crystal-clear that he doesn't see me as a friend, but as an object to use to provoke someone else and boost his ego. I bet once he gets back with his ex, or finds some other girl to latch onto, I will be dropped like a hot potato and whatever 'friendship' we had will disappear.

But why do you want to have a friendship with a guy who has rejected you? Don't you see that it could never lead to anything positive? Or were you hoping that he would change his mind about you once he got to know you better?

[Star Gazer]

The guy told the OP several times that he's not interested in her that way, yet she's basically accosting him and trying to change his mind. Why else would she spend 6 hours hanging with someone who has just rejected her? What this guy did may not have been sensitive but the OP only has herself to blame.

 

Um, I believe he had ONE conversation (not several conversations) with her that her feelings weren't returned after he read her blog. She's not "accosting" him. She's not trying to change his mind. She was spending time with him to get him to like her "in that way," but because she thought of him as a friend. During that period, she figured out what his real deal was.

[EasyHeart]

It's a little ironic because you were basically going to use him as a rebound and then he turned out to be using you as leverage against his ex.

 

Anyways, I'm going to give you another hug!

 

::hugs

[tigressA]

Exactly right, SG.

 

I'm not in love with the guy, far from it. I asked him on a date mere hours after I first realized I'd like to get to know him better in a romantic sense (NOT be some instant-girlfriend), I was rejected the very next day. It wasn't long or drawn-out, it wasn't some big saga. I never put him on some pedestal. I saw him as an option along with the ones I already had. I'm on OKC and I have a date with someone else in 2 days that I am very much looking forward to. On top of that, we had already made those plans to get together the previous weekend. It wasn't like "Oh, you just rejected me for a date/I just rejected you, let's hang out tomorrow!"