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Not sure about my method


Titania22

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Titania22

Hey Guys,

 

Again this week I am having the urge to ask guys out.

 

I found one guy working at a tiny museum in the university. I didn't ask him out then and there because I wasn't in that mind frame, but thought about it afterwards. I went back yesterday but he wasn't there. I only saw him for the first time 2days ago and don't know his name or anything about him. Is it worth me going back repeatedly to see if I catch him?

 

The other guy I want to ask about is my lab partner in one on my classes. We are in a group of 3 with another girl. A few weeks back, I tried to arrange after lab drinks with him, but he cancelled on the day due to feeling sick. And I sent a get well and raincheck text, but never got a response. So I don't know if it was received.

 

About 4-5weeks have passed, and there were interruption in our labs so I haven't seen him more then once or twice, and yesterday at lab, I found myself still interested in him. I have no idea if he has any interested, and in I was to guess, I would most likely guess not. But I prefer to have definitive answers. The other girl in our lab group says I should just leave it until the end of semester, and I have this strong urge to say something now. On the one hand, for me it would be better to know definitively he isn't interested, so I can forget about him and keep searching, but I get how often young people get weirded out and uncomfortable, so maybe she is right and I should just drop it until the end.

 

What do you guys think, and is there another option I haven't thought of? If I was going to say anything, how should I go about it? I don't want to be ambiguous.

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Titania22

Any responses? I am leaving for Uni in 30mins. I want to know if I should keep my mouth shut or not.

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Since he canceled on you and didn't reschedule I would just leave it be. The other girl probably sees the situation with unbiased eyes and knows what she's talking about.

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yea, I'd say leave it.

 

You put the ball in play. It is up to him to pick it up and throw it back.

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Titania22
yea, I'd say leave it.

 

You put the ball in play. It is up to him to pick it up and throw it back.

 

That's assuming he even gets it though. I did expressly ask for a date last time, I arranged drinks, I am not even sure if he thought I invited our other lab partner or not, since he just cancelled. And I can't be sure my second text got through.

 

I agree that it seems like he just isn't interested and I should just let it go. But that part of me always wonders if he was just clueless.

 

In general, I am never sure how aware men are of the things women do to attract, especially given the ambiguity of people who are just naturally friendly and people who have genuine interest. I would hate to lose an opportunity because I wrote someone off as not interested, when they were just completely oblivious to my interest (and maybe going home at night wondering why no girls are interested in them).

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Guys make the sick excuse a lot.

 

If a guy is interested and excited about a girls advances ( i.e, asking him for drinks), trust me, a little cold will not stop him from going. He would have to be terrible sick.

Furthermore - he would have definately re - scheduled.

I would invest your energy in seeking out other cool guys, and leave this guy. And, be wary if he gets back to u later down the track - some guys do not want to date a women, but will still try to use her as a booty call later down the track.

 

Good on you for having the confidence to make a move:D:laugh: Iti s really admirable. I also ask guys staight up, to go for drinks or hang out....

I tend to wait, though, to see if they look at me ( in a public situation) and glance over at me... if they seam interested I will talk to them first, say hi, general stuff. i am a super nice girl, so that is normal for me.

 

... Come to think of it, I would not be able to ask a guy for his number if I did not know him well enough to know if he had a girlfriend, or was just really nice to all people ( the way I am!!).

No. I only tend to make a move, if I have spoken to the guy and have established they are single and interested.

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when they were just completely oblivious to my interest (and maybe going home at night wondering why no girls are interested in them).

 

I think you've missed the point. If a guy is interested in you, it doesn't matter how you feel about him. He will seek out the slightest pretext to be with you and/or ask you out. Plenty of men ask out women who aren't interested in them. You already asked him out so he knows you are interested. Don't chase him.

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Titania22
I think you've missed the point. If a guy is interested in you, it doesn't matter how you feel about him. He will seek out the slightest pretext to be with you and/or ask you out. Plenty of men ask out women who aren't interested in them. Don't chase him.

 

Not at my age. Or at least not me. But point taken.

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Um, if a girl askes a guy out for drinks, or askes for a guys number, he will know she is interested, or at least make a move if HE was interested.

 

.... Most guys will either know your interested, or be comfortable enough to ask to get to know u better at this point; only exception, are guys who think " she may just be friendly".

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That's assuming he even gets it though. I did expressly ask for a date last time, I arranged drinks, I am not even sure if he thought I invited our other lab partner or not, since he just cancelled. And I can't be sure my second text got through.

 

I agree that it seems like he just isn't interested and I should just let it go. But that part of me always wonders if he was just clueless.

 

In general, I am never sure how aware men are of the things women do to attract, especially given the ambiguity of people who are just naturally friendly and people who have genuine interest. I would hate to lose an opportunity because I wrote someone off as not interested, when they were just completely oblivious to my interest (and maybe going home at night wondering why no girls are interested in them).

 

Trust me, GF, they aren't that clueless.

 

In your attempt to give them a 'clue', you come across as desperate. Anyway, do you really want a guy who is that clueless?

 

We should PM. I think we have alot in common. I've gone down the path you are talking about. The "I'm not sure if he got the message" path.

 

There comes a time when you just stop caring if they did or didn't. Because it is pretty lame. Unless you are ready to throw the guy over your shoulder, literally, and have your way with him, don't bother.

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Australia is a strange place if you aren't getting hit on. If those pics are recent. Women who look ¼ as good get hit on once a day over here.

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Eddie Edirol

Your guy got the message. They always get the messages, it just sucks that they just choose to ignore you to give you a hint. If they responded to your texts at least once, he got the rest of the messages. Until you get an exclusive relationship, you shouldnt give them the benefit of the doubt, and dont count on them to like you. As with any men, you should keep looking around, and dont make any expectations until you are SURE they are into you.

Edited by Eddie Edirol
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Titania22
Guys make the sick excuse a lot.

 

 

Good to know.

 

I think you've missed the point. If a guy is interested in you, it doesn't matter how you feel about him. He will seek out the slightest pretext to be with you and/or ask you out. Plenty of men ask out women who aren't interested in them. You already asked him out so he knows you are interested. Don't chase him.

 

TBH this morning this post upset me. Because being passive doesn't do anything, and saying i should sit back and wait for men to be interested sounds really disempowering. What I need is a way to empower myself, whilst also increasing my chances of success. Also you say guys will make a move, but then we have threads like somedude81, about him seeing a girl he likes and psyching himself out before he even approaches. Can we be so sure that the bulk of single men in Sydney aren't all Somedude81's, oblivious to signals girls are sending?

 

I understand my "bull charging at a fence" strategy to finding someone is flawed, but sitting back expecting a man who isn't completely and totally repulsive to show some interest isn't the way either.

 

More on this below.

 

Trust me, GF, they aren't that clueless.

 

In your attempt to give them a 'clue', you come across as desperate. Anyway, do you really want a guy who is that clueless?

We should PM. I think we have alot in common. I've gone down the path you are talking about. The "I'm not sure if he got the message" path.

 

There comes a time when you just stop caring if they did or didn't. Because it is pretty lame. Unless you are ready to throw the guy over your shoulder, literally, and have your way with him, don't bother.

 

Yes I would like to PM with you. At this point I probably have a better shot with men who are that clueless.

 

I only get concerned about guys not getting the message, because we now live in the age of the social awkward. Actually I am pretty ready at times to metaphorically throw a guy over my shoulder and have my way with him. I much prefer the equivalent of "you interested?" if "yes" great if "no" move on. It makes things clearer, and rejection isn't a bad thing when you get used to it, it saves time.

 

Australia is a strange place if you aren't getting hit on. If those pics are recent. Women who look ¼ as good get hit on once a day over here.

 

I don't know what to say, men generally aren't approaching me. I did have a man approach me last week at meetup, he was incredibly unattractive, and followed me around for a while with a goofy smile on his face, I felt really bad, because there was no way I could be interested.

 

Your guy got the message. They always get the messages, it just sucks that they just choose to ignore you to give you a hint. If they responded to your texts at least once, he got the rest of the messages. Until you get an exclusive relationship, you shouldnt give them the benefit of the doubt, and dont count on them to like you. As with any men, you should keep looking around, and dont make any expectations until you are SURE they are into you.

 

I don't count on any of them to be interested. I am not counting on any particular guy. At this point I am looking for options, i.e. guys who are interested enough to see if a relationship could develop in the future.

 

So far the only guys who are interested are married guys who are apparently in "open" relationships.

 

If I sound like I am desperate, it's more that I am frustrated with my lack of success. I don't expect to meet someone and fall into his arms and be happy forever. I would like to meet someone or even several someones who are interested in getting to know me, and me them.

 

I recently i.e. last week, faced the reality that I am kidding myself thinking I am in a position to try a long distance relationship with someone overseas. So it really doesn't matter if there were say 20million single men in american who would fall over themselves for a girl like me, because none of them will ever choose me because of the distance.

 

So I am limited to the pool of guys right here, and i need to find a way to attract the guys in this pool, regardless of the way things are in other places.

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coffee.girl

Titania22,

 

I have no advice but I just wanted to say I can completely relate. I don't often get approached either, and when I have been the one to do the approaching, it hasn't given desired results (the guys this was successful with tended to be passive, and expect me to take the lead with everything. That's not what I'm looking for).

 

I wonder if it is a cultural thing? I'm in Australia as well. The attitude on this board seems to be that if you're female and not drastically outside physical norms, you'll get hit on just leaving the house. This hasn't been my experience at all.

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Titania22
Titania22,

 

I have no advice but I just wanted to say I can completely relate. I don't often get approached either, and when I have been the one to do the approaching, it hasn't given desired results (the guys this was successful with tended to be passive, and expect me to take the lead with everything. That's not what I'm looking for).

 

I wonder if it is a cultural thing? I'm in Australia as well. The attitude on this board seems to be that if you're female and not drastically outside physical norms, you'll get hit on just leaving the house. This hasn't been my experience at all.

 

Yeah Americans don't seem to understand. I find Australian men to be disappointing.

 

The Math guy I study with, I asked him to lunch twice earlier in semester and he forgot both times. I wrote him off after that, but I don't think he got the hint. I think he is completely oblivious, it's all just maths equations in his head. We are totally like platonic friends now. He isn't much to look at at all, and today (because I am oblivious somewhat sexually in need) I just looked at him (assessing whether I would be willing to have sex with him, if he was an option), and really I couldn't affirmatively say yes, which is why I didn't try again.

 

The lab guy was more because we had lab yesterday and at one point we were standing very close to each other and he had to hold the sterile glass pipettes, while i attached the squeezy piece of rubber to the end, and you can imagine where my mind was going.

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Just saying this from a personal perspective, but it's also possible that a guy gets exactly what you mean, but isn't in a phase of his life where he can reciprocate due to being focused on other things than a relationship. It's what I've been going through for some time now and it has lead to some difficult situations. Women react to it in different ways.

 

When a guy doesn't reciprocate, he might very well get your cues, but sometimes isn't in a position to do anything (without leading you on in the current stage of his life), no matter how that frustrates him.

 

In my case a woman would need to be more straightforward with me if she wanted things to go to the next level, because we'd need to discuss how get around certain issues in order to be together.

 

I'd probably have to make big changes to my life for it to work if I would take that step right now. Her just giving some subtle cues isn't going to get around that, we'd need to have a straightforward and open discussion of how to go about things.

 

Had I been in another position, then I'd be the one that chased right now, then I'd be the one that would be obvious about how I felt about her, then I'd be the one that reciprocated if the right woman indicated cues of interest.

 

I would have LOVED to be in that position right now. I can't wait to be in that position, I'm very much hungry for it because I feel starved from it right now.

 

... and this is where we get into the 'he's just not that into you' discussion.

 

Because, I've had some of these discussions with some really decent guys. For someone in my age range, it is usually the case that they are getting over a divorce or they have children they are attending to.

 

In EVERY case though, without fail, they somehow managed to jump those hurdles pretty quick when the right girl came along. This is why I don't bother anymore. They were interested... but not enough.

 

So, for me... I move along... doesn't matter why. Timing, interest, age, distance, blah blah. End result is the same... They have to meet me half way in interest level and effort or it isn't going to work.

 

Sometimes they come back around though. In those cases, it is all on me. I've had to put up a wall by then to get over my little crush and it just isn't the same. These are the times I get really frustrated with myself. I wish I could bring those feelings back, but I've never been able to.

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Titania22
It's not the age that is the issue, it's the difference in what phase of your lives you both are. You tend to go after college boys that are 20 years your minor. And the age difference doesn't have to be an issue, but a lot of those guys aren't relationship oriented yet.

 

 

 

Just saying this from a personal perspective, but it's also possible that a guy gets exactly what you mean, but isn't in a phase of his life where he can reciprocate due to being focused on other things than a relationship. It's what I've been going through for some time now and it has lead to some difficult situations. Women react to it in different ways.

 

When a guy doesn't reciprocate, he might very well get your cues, but sometimes isn't in a position to do anything (without leading you on in the current stage of his life), no matter how that frustrates him.

 

In my case a woman would need to be more straightforward with me if she wanted things to go to the next level, because we'd need to discuss how get around certain issues in order to be together.

 

 

I agree, I like to be straightforward and get things into the open. In the case of the lab guy and drink, and the maths guy and lunch, my intention was to get them out of the school environment, so that maybe we could stop thinking about our studies for a moment and have some sort of straight forward conversation.

 

In both cases I wasn't being overtly suggestive or sexual.

 

By that point I have already done cold approaching of strangers several times, and except for that one date after valentines day I haven't been successful at it.

 

My guy friend online (who is 18, and get girls himself, but also observes the other nerdy geeky guys who don't, and knows are more my type) suggested more subtlety, but I don't like it, as it is too ambiguous. My mind has been worried that such an ambiguous offer might be perceived as me friendzoning them.

 

Unlike the people on here who has suggested writing that lab guy off for good, my online friend has suggested I keep subtly flirting with him (as he is convinced he hasn't got the message and may also get spooked by anything too forward). You however suggest that he has got the message, and might be attracted, frustrated, but feels unable to make a move, in which case subtly flirting might just be cruel.

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Eddie Edirol

 

Unlike the people on here who has suggested writing that lab guy off for good, my online friend has suggested I keep subtly flirting with him (as he is convinced he hasn't got the message and may also get spooked by anything too forward). You however suggest that he has got the message, and might be attracted, frustrated, but feels unable to make a move, in which case subtly flirting might just be cruel.

 

I wonder about this. Because I used to be spooked by women that came on too strong in my younger days, but I never would have been attracted to them after they spooked me, but it was because I wasnt really attracted to them in the first place. So for them, coming back to me in a more subtle way would just be a fly in my ear. Any other women that did come on strong that I was attracted to didnt spook me.

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Titania22
I wonder about this. Because I used to be spooked by women that came on too strong in my younger days, but I never would have been attracted to them after they spooked me, but it was because I wasnt really attracted to them in the first place. So for them, coming back to me in a more subtle way would just be a fly in my ear. Any other women that did come on strong that I was attracted to didnt spook me.

 

Yeah but I am saying I haven't come on strong at all yet. I am saying with other guys I have generally on strong, so I was trying more subtlety this time.

 

And even though I get asking someone to drinks is alot more suggestive then lunch, I am not even sure if he assumed I ment just the 2 of us, or our lab group (i.e. with our lab partner). If I knew he realised I ment the 2 of us, obviously I would know he got the message and this thread would never have been made.

 

And I also realise that once you come on strong there is no going back, but since I just want to find someone, and I am sure too fussed about which guy it turns out to be, ruining a chance with any specific guy doesn't really matter to me.

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Titania22
There's a difference between coming on strong and merely being clear. Often it's enough to be clear about your feelings. There's no need to come on so strong that you scare the other person.

 

It's hard for me to know the line. At the start of semester I sat next to an attractive guy, I told him I thought he was attractive, he sat somewhere else from then on. (That's it, no 'I am interested in you', or 'we should get together', just 'i think you are attractive'.)

 

It seems too strong means different things to different people.

 

I like being clear, I also wonder though if it is important to wait some time and let them get comfortable with your presence before you say anything clear and straightforward.

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That's not the case in my situation. Almost a year ago I waited while I had the chance to hit on the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes upon. I was rushing like crazy to get my life in order and hit on her. There was a time window of a few months to do it, but then she disappeared. I've never seen her since.

 

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind on whether I was into her or not, my level of interest was at its maximum. I was mentally going nuts every time I saw her.

 

I even passed on another amazing opportunity during that time, because I was holding out for her. I regret all of this in retrospect, because perhaps somehow I could have made it work.

 

That's why I'd probably need a woman to be more straightforward with me, I can't risk my future over a few very subtle cues. Multiple women have indicated to me that they'd like me to take that risk. But they have nothing to lose when they ask that of me. If I make huge changes to my life to be with her and trash some important things I'm working on, then I take a financial hit in the sense that my investments will possibly amount to nothing if there's no force behind them that drives them forward. And I'm even willing to do that for the right woman.

 

However men just can't throw away everything over a lukewarm woman that merely sends out a few subtle cues. Most single women are rotating multiple guys in terms of opportunities or are even sleeping with one or more guys. As a guy you have to make risk assessments and weigh your options.

 

I understand why you might think in such cases "he's not that into me", but it's more complex than that. A woman might be putting a few subtle cues against things I have worked on for years. If being straightforward is then too much to ask from her and she loses interest, then who is in fact not that into the other person?

 

It's possible that I'd kick myself over this in retrospect, but like I said, had I been in a different position, then I'd be the one to chase and there'd be no ambiguity in regards to my level of interest.

 

Sometimes you can't carry all the weight alone, sometimes you need someone else to be straightforward with you and forthcoming so that you feel more comfortable to make big changes in order for things to work.

 

You have your priorities. Right now it is building something other than a relationship. And that is ok.

 

From my side of the fence though, it wouldn't matter what the reasons were.

 

My self esteem isn't (overly) affected. It is disappointing for sure... when you know there is a connection and they don't follow through.... but that's life.

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Titania22
I think it has more to do that those young geeky guys aren't relationship oriented yet. So they then avoid dealing with you when you come on to them.

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's what I suspect is problem.

 

Well why aren't they at least sex oriented, I haven't said anything about relationships to them.

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NeverDated
Well why aren't they at least sex oriented, I haven't said anything about relationships to them.

Because the "nerdy types" in their college years are very introverted. As a stereotype, these are guys who spent most of their teen years focused on academics and building a good bit of clout to get into school. In my experience with them (many of my close male friends are computer geeks) they are less interested in casual sex because it turns into a benefits vs risks equation to be analyzed. Most of the ones I know were virgins into their mid-20s because the idea of engaging a woman on anything more than a friendship level was a terrifying proposition.

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Titania22
Because the "nerdy types" in their college years are very introverted. As a stereotype, these are guys who spent most of their teen years focused on academics and building a good bit of clout to get into school. In my experience with them (many of my close male friends are computer geeks) they are less interested in casual sex because it turns into a benefits vs risks equation to be analyzed. Most of the ones I know were virgins into their mid-20s because the idea of engaging a woman on anything more than a friendship level was a terrifying proposition.

 

:(:(:(:( All I can say is "such a waste"

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