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Lack of dating experience = Lack of Emotional maturity???


ThaWholigan

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ThaWholigan

Do any of you think it's possible that for the dudes (and girls) that have trouble finding dates/sex/whatever that they are lacking a level of emotional maturity that can enable them to see things a little more brightly??

 

I'm thinking that with the anger and the sensitivity to rejection and such, it's possible that one needs to do a little more growth in this area, especially internally.

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In all likelihood, they are actually more "mature" in some important ways. The hyperemphasis on sex, relationships and seduction, and the associated drama in our culture is very recent, only a few decades old, a function of mass marketing and other cultural factors I don't want to start up with and effectively drop a bomb in your thread :laugh:.

 

In the past, people did get married younger as social imperative because of several factors that don't exist in the industrialized West any more. Children were an investment that returned useful work down the road, the only legitimate experience of sexual intercourse for the masses came through marriage, marriage was a function of churchly and kingly power and mandate. The division of labor of marriage was needed for survival. This is like "last week" in the whole of human history.

 

People who dwelled on sex and relationships then, even when marriage was a necessity, were deemed debauched, immature, dissolute, tragic, and this is reflected in art and literature. People look at Don Juan and Madame Bovary as something like cultural heroes today, but actually reading what Byron or Flaubert wrote, or seeing Don Giovanni performed, reveals a much more tragicomic reality, one opposite of "emotional maturity." Dwelling on sex and relationships was seen as a frivolous pastime... just last week.

 

Whether they had it right... for thousands of years, or we do... for a few decades, is debatable, but IMO a person without relationship experience at a certain age means simply that, they don't have relationship experience. Any conjecture about an individual's "emotional maturity" or other character traits is unwarranted, cultural factors notwithstanding.

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Ross MwcFan

I have heard that one of the causes for not being succesful with the opposite sex is being emotionally immature.

 

I guess that explains why so many people in their teens and younger aren't really that succesful with the opposite sex at all, but when they get into their late teens/early 20, all that changes.

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I'd say lack of dating experience = lack of relationship experience. Because you can't get into relationships unless you date.

 

But emotional maturity is a different aspect. A person with a lot of emotional maturity but not much dating/relationship experience, probably will learn much faster than someone with low emotional maturity.

 

Dating and relationships are complicated. Most important part of it is actual the person him/her self. Of course some of it has to do with learning how to deal with others, but a large part of it is learning about yourself.

 

Someone with high emotional maturity I believe will learn faster. They'll be able to absorb negative outcomes, and use that to improve themselves. Where someone with low emotional maturity would probably flip out and blame everything on the world, while they stay the same to repeat the same experience again.

 

IMHO.

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Lack of dating experience = untainted, undamaged emotionally. doesnt always mean immaturity. people dont always learn from their mistakes and grow from their experiences!

 

how often you hear people who are incapable of falling love as result bad past experience, too much experience can leave you jaded out. how many people are hung-up on their exes? sometimes for years. it ruins there chance of new relationships with perfectly good people!

 

dont worry too much about the lack of experience.

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GoodOnPaper

I've come to believe that maturity = experience x time. In dating/relationships, those of us who are bad at attracting women don't get much experience, so we require more time -- hence the term "late bloomer". The hard part is giving ourselves enough time to bloom. I'd be a much better single person now in my 40s than I ever was in my 20s. Not because I would necessarily attract any more women than I did before but because I now live a fuller -- often overscheduled -- life and could approach dating more on my terms and with a more balanced perspective.

 

That said, there is certainly something to this:

 

Lack of dating experience = untainted, undamaged emotionally. doesnt always mean immaturity. people dont always learn from their mistakes and grow from their experiences!

 

My most intimate relationship was my first LTR. Even though I don't miss the girl at all, I definitely wish I could be as emotionally and physically open as I was then.

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Ninjainpajamas

I wouldn't necessarily attach those two...first try and define:

 

Emotional maturity

 

Does that mean you're ok with taking rejection? does that mean you hae a thicker skin? An inability to deal with issues like the emotional rollercoaster or realization that this is part of the game?

 

Or

 

Does it mean that you're responsible in who you love and share your feelings with? Does it mean that you know the initial emotional connections does not dictate the rest of your life and the emotional state with this person and there's a real relationship that has to develop out of that?

 

Dating Experience

 

What do people learn from dating?

 

How to be flirtatious? how to pick up women/men? How not to come off as a creeper? what to say and do and what not to?

 

Dating experience is not relationship experience...people who are good at dating doesn't mean they will have strong or good potential relationships.

 

In my opinion dating is for the most part a game, It's a game of chess.

 

Everyone micro-analyzes their moves and second-guesses themselves, some people are there to use others for sex, while others for companionship, or their dreams and goals to their grander picture of life and just looking for a piece of that puzzle.

 

Everyone is out to get that they're looking for...everything else kind of gets placed on the back burner because everyone has their own agenda...Is it no wonder that so many "dates" or people you date don't end up successful when the real person is put on the back burner or you end up in a relationship because of your desire to be "in love" and have this future so you end up staying with the wrong person anyway?

 

If two people were simply being honest and their true selves, and both looking for the same thing...fell in love, accepted each other for who they were and learned to communicate and grew up as responsible adults and took responsibility for their own issues and faults in the relationship...would there be a need for dating experience? would they be considered emotional immature?

 

Or are some people simply implying that it takes these other past experiences in order to have a successful relationship in the future because they did all the wrongs with other people and developed a thick skin?

 

I already have my own opinion about this, but In the context of this post and what people are saying, they seem to have a completely different view on it, and what the important factors are.

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Feelin Frisky

Nah, anything like that would be a flimsy generality. I probably sound like a broken record on this by now but we're all unique individuals and the difference between me and a guy my same age and experience can be the difference between Venus and Mars or Jupiter and Saturn. I never wanted "dating experience"--I wanted a girl friend or a wife. The one I almost made my wife was so problematic and such a disappointment for how much I put into the relationship that recklessness and both good fortune followed by bad fortune took me out of the game for a long time--not legally but financially and health and appearance wise (dental which I eventually had to replace my teeth with implants). It is now as it always has been. I want to meet someone, love and be loved. I don't want a bunch of "dating experience" or to juggle a bunch of FWBS with lies. I have no idea what life does to other men but they are all one of a kind and how they cope one at a time is their own story.

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Feelin Frisky
It is this. LACK OF DATING EXPERIENCE = LACK OF SEXUAL EXPERIENCE = LOSER TO ALL THE LADIES

 

Not so. One probably has more "dating experience" the worse at sex he is because no one wants to see him a second time. If you're good, they don't want to get rid of you. And if you're mature and manly on top, they are even less likely to chuck you away just to get "dating experience" for themselves.

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