Frustrated.... s/Perspectives Appreciated.

[Almond_Joy]

**Sorry about the subject line typo.**

 

Hi LS,

 

I've been with my current bf for a little over 5 months now. We've talked about life goals (including children/family), religion/spirituality, common day-to-day interests (of which we have many in common). We've been in tune in all of these areas and get along great.

 

We both are very awkward with another aspect of the relationship that I don't quite know how to describe succinctly. So, I'm just going to describe the two major things that irritate me.

 

1) Neither of us ever really get angry or irritated with each other, and when we have differences of opinions, our reactions to each other are very bland (i.e. we'll either say OK or nothing....sometimes he just shrugs). Sometimes I ask for his opinion and it's either off tangent from what I asked or he says he doesn't have an opinion/doesn't care (as it doesn't directly affect him). I can't recall that he's ever asked my opinion on something he's said, though I've given it anyway from time to time.

 

2) When we're alone together he doesn't mention how the relationship's progressing, or his expectations of the relationship. But when we're out hanging together with mutual friends he's got all sorts of opinions on relationship dynamics, always has some perspective to lend on their relationships, and what they should and should not do. I don't mention the relationship at all really unless something's wrong, and if I do mention it I talk to him or post anonymously here. I don't bring it up for the first time in front of mutual friends.

 

3) Also, when we're out with friends, he tells them our relationship is strange. I agree, but am irritated that he finds it convenient to say this in the company of friends and never when we're alone together so that we can talk about it. Obviously he's feeling this same awkwardness I'm posting about, but if I don't bring it up it doesn't get addressed.

 

I don't want to be the one to always initiate problem-solving when relationship issues come up, and it feels like that's kind of the habit/expectation he's fallen into.

 

This has been going on for a few weeks, and I've waited to see if he'll bring this strangeness/awkwardness up. He has more than once in front of friends since I first noticed this behavior, but, again, never when we're alone. I'm too irritated about this to be quiet anymore so I'm going to bring it up this weekend.

 

 

...After rereading the stuff I listed, it sounds like the crux of my irritation is that he engages more with our friends than he does with me when we're alone. Because the whole sharing of relationship opinions applies to most of the things we talk about. Unless he thinks I'm flat out wrong he doesn't have much of an opinion on anything I bring up when we're alone. But with friends he's got opinions on everything. Very confusing.

 

I'm just posting to see if anyone's had a similar awkwardness in relationships before and would be willing to share their perspective on the issue.

 

Thanks for reading and in advance for any feedback.

[FitChick]

Why don't you bring up certain topics while you are with friends to see if he comments at that time?

[mostlyclueless]

I am going to go a step further and say your irritation is not even that he engages with your friends MORE, but you feel like he is not really engaged in your relationship. He doesn't share himself with you by giving his opinions, he doesn't engage in the intimate act of exploring your relationship issues together, and he even describes your relationship as "strange." All of that would make anyone feel like they were dating the outer 10% of a person rather than a whole person.

 

It is possible that you two have very different communication styles, and you are going to need to work together to find a way to communicate better. But it is also possible that he really is just not that invested in the relationship.

[Almond_Joy]

Why don't you bring up certain topics while you are with friends to see if he comments at that time?

 

Well, if we'd talked about these issues in private beforehand and hashed it out, I wouldn't mind revisiting these issues when friends ask about it. It's finding out that he's seeing the same issues as I for the first time in front of friends that really bothers me.

 

I also don't think that discussions about our relationship issues should be had in front of an audience, even of close friends. Our relationship issues are for me and him to work out, not for others to chime in on as we're working on them. That's why I don't really engage him on these comments when he makes them in front of friends.

[Almond_Joy]

I am going to go a step further and say your irritation is not even that he engages with your friends MORE, but you feel like he is not really engaged in your relationship. He doesn't share himself with you by giving his opinions, he doesn't engage in the intimate act of exploring your relationship issues together, and he even describes your relationship as "strange." All of that would make anyone feel like they were dating the outer 10% of a person rather than a whole person.

 

It is possible that you two have very different communication styles, and you are going to need to work together to find a way to communicate better. But it is also possible that he really is just not that invested in the relationship.

 

 

Yeah. This makes sense. There are other things he's told me that could be playing into why he doesn't share. I guess I'll have to do some probing.