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In a New Relationship and Feeling Overwhelming Desire to be Single...


USMCHokie

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What the hell is wrong with me...? With as much whining and complaining as I've done on LS regarding women, I don't know what to make of this...as soon as I enter into a relationship, I develop an overwhelming desire to be single...and this has happened with every girl I've dated in the past two and a half years since the ex...

 

The timeline always goes like this:

 

(1) I meet a girl and have a great time getting to know her,

(2) We become exclusive and date some more...intimacy follows...

(3) Relationship is "official"...

(4) At some point, all I want is to be single again, but I feel bad because the girl has developed strong feelings for me,

(5) I stick around because I don't want to hurt her,

(6) I grow resentful...

 

I recently passed step 3 with the woman I'm dating now, and step 4 hit me like a freight train tonight...the last time I visited her, I met a lot of her friends who all liked me...and they supported us dating and felt really happy for her...so of course now I feel absolutely terrible...because I feel that if I ended things, I'd not only be letting her down, but also letting down everyone else I met... :(

 

Does anyone else experience this pattern...? And what did you do to alleviate it...?

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I am gonna throw my opinion out there... and its only my opinion. But it sounds like to me a few things are going on.

 

1. Maybe ur not completely healed from ur ex

2. U are terrified of being hurt again

3. Abandonment/ Commitment issues.

 

 

Because I kinda have done the same thing really and I have major abandonment issues, so I am guessing I push them away first : )

 

I have split with every guy I have dated....

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I would say you have a fear of commitment if you are pushing people away or wanting to get away as soon as you become close to a person. You should try to find out what is causing that, preferably with a therapist, or it will continue to negatively impact your relationships, and is a self defeating behavior.

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I am gonna throw my opinion out there... and its only my opinion. But it sounds like to me a few things are going on.

 

1. Maybe ur not completely healed from ur ex

 

Good god, I sure as hell hope not... :laugh:

 

It's been about two and a half years since that ended...I think at this point she doesn't really have an effect on me...or does she...? :confused::eek:

 

2. U are terrified of being hurt again

 

Maybe...ever since the "ex," I've never let myself get close to anyone like I did her...

 

3. Abandonment/ Commitment issues.

 

Eh, I don't know about this...maybe commitment issues are surfacing where they never used to exist...or I simply wasn't aware of it...

 

 

Or maybe u just like the chase, as it seems ur not really interested after u "GOT " them

 

I always hated "the chase"...or at least I always thought I did...

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I would say you have a fear of commitment if you are pushing people away or wanting to get away as soon as you become close to a person. You should try to find out what is causing that, preferably with a therapist, or it will continue to negatively impact your relationships, and is a self defeating behavior.

 

Hmmm, I would have never thought of myself as a commitment-phobe, so this surprises me a little...perhaps this has been a problem for so long because I had never identified it as an issue before...

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Perhaps it will take the sort of girl your CRAZY about, to want to actually be in a relationship?

 

 

There are girls that are great to be in a relationship with, but, due to your own issues, perhaps " great" aint enough. Maybe it will take a very special girl, to get u to "want" this relationship?

 

 

A girl that u would miss so badly, NOT being with them....?

 

 

Just a theory, of course:)

 

OR - when I met my b/f, I was casual. I did not care if we ended up serious, despite having fun together initially. MAYBE that is the sort of attitude you need from a girl? NO pressure from their half?

 

Do you think you would prefer a girl who says " Look, even if I have loads of fun getting to know ya, and develop some feelings, I do not care if it turns serious. Whatever happens happens ok:):) Lets just focus on having fun each day we are together, rather than feel OBLIGATED to have "relationship'?

 

 

That way, it will not turn serious, until u truly WANT it to....There will BE no " pressure" to take things further.

 

I have found this to be the most effective way, for me personally. Sure, feelings get hurt a little, but u have no expectations, so the fun the girl has, outweighs the bad feeling she will egt if u decide " no this is not for me"

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I am deathly afraid of getting hurt again. Not even sure if I believe in love between two humans at this point. Seems evrything is replaced in this world , UGHHH. So my guard is even higher than before , and it was really high before. I like my safety zone . and I really let my recent ex tear it all to hell. So nope, not me, never again, not happening. A guy is gonna have to send a bomb to penetrate thru my wall now LOL.... Safety First : )

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So this fear of commitment thing is actually real.

 

If it keeps happening, why bother trying to date?

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Ruby Slippers

Aren't you a Sagittarius? :D Sadges are the bachelor commitment-phobes of the zodiac. There's your problem. But you can do well with other commitment-phobic types, especially Geminis and other Sadges, and especially later in life.

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But I am gonna have to agree that u seem to have commitment issues for whatever reasons... and if u find that wild girl that makes u chase her, U wont really want her after u get her anyways ...

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Perhaps it will take the sort of girl your CRAZY about, to want to actually be in a relationship?

 

There are girls that are great to be in a relationship with, but, due to your own issues, perhaps " great" aint enough. Maybe it will take a very special girl, to get u to "want" this relationship?

 

A girl that u would miss so badly, NOT being with them....?

 

 

Just a theory, of course:)

 

I would certainly hope that I'm CRAZY about a girl that I'm in a relationship with...but it seems like more of a pipe dream with each passing day...and I've always "wanted" the relationship with whoever it was at that time, as they were quality girls, but when I got the relationship, I ended up wanting more to be single again...

 

OR - when I met my b/f, I was casual. I did not care if we ended up serious, despite having fun together initially. MAYBE that is the sort of attitude you need from a girl? NO pressure from their half?

 

Do you think you would prefer a girl who says " Look, even if I have loads of fun getting to know ya, and develop some feelings, I do not care if it turns serious. Whatever happens happens ok:):) Lets just focus on having fun each day we are together, rather than feel OBLIGATED to have "relationship'?

 

That way, it will not turn serious, until u truly WANT it to....There will BE no " pressure" to take things further.

 

I have found this to be the most effective way, for me personally. Sure, feelings get hurt a little, but u have no expectations, so the fun the girl has, outweighs the bad feeling she will egt if u decide " no this is not for me"

 

And this is exactly how my current relationship started...it was completely random and intended to be a casual thing...there was no pressure and no expectation...we even used those exact words, "let's just have fun each day we are together" and let whatever happens happen...

 

But she fell hard...and I feel bad that I'm not in that same place...

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OMG Ruby you are a genius for sure and I am being serious. That is sooooooooooooo true, me and my ex were both commitment phobes. Him a bit more than me. I am a pisces and so is he , but wow ...

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Aren't you a Sagittarius? :D Sadges are the bachelor commitment-phobes of the zodiac. There's your problem. But you can do well with other commitment-phobic types, especially Geminis and other Sadges, and especially later in life.

 

How the hell did you know this...? :eek::laugh:

 

And I didn't know that...interesting... :o

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Maybe there was more sexual attraction to these women in the beginning and now ur bored with who they are...

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I am deathly afraid of getting hurt again. Not even sure if I believe in love between two humans at this point. Seems evrything is replaced in this world , UGHHH. So my guard is even higher than before , and it was really high before. I like my safety zone . and I really let my recent ex tear it all to hell. So nope, not me, never again, not happening. A guy is gonna have to send a bomb to penetrate thru my wall now LOL.... Safety First : )

 

:laugh:

 

I definitely still believe in love...and I'd love to get back to the place where I can let someone "penetrate my wall" (:laugh:), or meet someone who makes me want to completely open up...I'm just not sure how to cross that line back to where I was before the ex...

 

 

But I am gonna have to agree that u seem to have commitment issues for whatever reasons... and if u find that wild girl that makes u chase her, U wont really want her after u get her anyways ...

 

The thing is, I would never chase a girl...I have a habit of not trying when it comes to dating... :(

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If only I knew before that the answer to the issues with my ex was that he was a Saggitarius. Me and my Capricorn fail!! :p

 

Hokie, what exactly do you feel when you get to this point? I mean, physically, how do you react, and what are the thoughts that go through your head?

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Ruby Slippers
How the hell did you know this...? :eek::laugh:

 

And I didn't know that...interesting... :o

There's a bright side. As a Sadge, you are sporty, sexy, and can be the fun life of the party who makes everybody laugh and have a wonderful time -- if you can loosen up your hangups and just enjoy life more. No one can flirt and seduce like a Sagittarius. :cool:

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OMG Ruby you are a genius for sure and I am being serious. That is sooooooooooooo true, me and my ex were both commitment phobes. Him a bit more than me. I am a pisces and so is he , but wow ...

 

That Ruby is a smart one, for sure... :)

 

Maybe there was more sexual attraction to these women in the beginning and now ur bored with who they are...

 

I don't know if I'm necessarily bored with the relationships I'm in...

 

All of these things you bring up are issues I've never considered before, so I'm drawing a blank when it comes to responding to them...but it's certainly something I appreciate you bringing up...so thanks...

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All I can say is.. wow.

 

 

Did you fall " hard", too?

 

 

 

I am very fascinated by your problem.....although I truly hope u figure it out soon.

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Well I might believe in love again ,, someday. But maybe u should think about not being serious with anyone for awhile . I mean just so u dont hurt these girls. Which is bound to happen if u cant commit to them.

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Ruby Slippers
And this is exactly how my current relationship started...it was completely random and intended to be a casual thing...there was no pressure and no expectation...we even used those exact words, "let's just have fun each day we are together" and let whatever happens happen...

 

But she fell hard...and I feel bad that I'm not in that same place...

You don't owe her reciprocation of those feelings, and it's not doing either of you any favors for you to fake it or withhold the fact that you're not feeling it. Just be honest and keep going for what you want. You're only going to get better at it. Enjoy the adventure.

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I do the same thing a little. I try to date but def not ready to. So these guys get all tied up and I just push them away. Like I find one small thing about them and red flags start going off ( more like blo horns LOL ) in my head and I am like where the heck is the Exit door at .. LOL. Once again ( Fear of Commitment /Intamacy ) .. Mine stems from being hurt ...

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Hokie, what exactly do you feel when you get to this point? I mean, physically, how do you react, and what are the thoughts that go through your head?

 

Exactly...?

 

Well, we always have a great time up to this point, and it becomes very apparent that they want a long term relationship. I eventually start to find reasons why it wouldn't work. I start to value my personal time more and begin to get a little annoyed that the relationship cuts into that time. I literally become jealous of anyone who is single and goes out and meets women.

 

Throughout my early life, all I wanted was a relationship...I even wished it for my birthday every year (how pathetic is that... :rolleyes::laugh:)...and now when I have it, it becomes the last thing I want...

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Did you fall " hard", too?

 

No...and I haven't fallen even "softly" for anyone since the ex...

 

I am very fascinated by your problem.....although I truly hope u figure it out soon.

 

Thanks...I hope so too...

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