explain to me how to have a " normal" relationship

[xpaperxcutx]

I'm really out of the loop. My tendency to self- sabotage my relationships is coming to a head. It's been two weeks already, and I've already had my 4th fight/ argument with the guy.

 

I admit I can be moody. I would not call myself sensitive but I've on more than one occasion have acted on my feelings, be it happiness or sadness, but mostly anger. I lash out with in an aggressive way that often requires me to apologize. As with the most recent event, when he told me he was busy celebrating his cousin's birthday and hadn't time to talk to me, I told him whatever, and refused to speak to him for two days.

 

I'm not childish, but I often feel I've been wronged by people and thus take out my anger on them. With him, I feel like I am being backburned. I don't disagree family is important and takes a priority, and I certainly do not want to fight with him on this, but he hasn't given me the same amount of time and respect as I've given him. He asked that I be understanding, but how is it that he can ask for my time and I, not him?

When he cancels on me because his grandfather, I'm expected to be understanding, yet when I cancel on him because of personal reasons, he thinks I'm being unreasonable.

 

Yes, I'm growing resentful. For him work and family will always be the top priorities and I feel like we're not on the same page. He dates me at his convenience ( when he's not at a work) and I suppose I'm to accept that(?). I won't do it.

 

So i know this is not " normal" to start a relationship. Again, I've been out of the loop. How can I make him understand if he wants to date me, to put in more effort besides bread crumbs? I don't like to beg, and I'd rather he stop altogether.

[johan]

What's the longest relationship you've had?

[xpaperxcutx]

What's the longest relationship you've had?

 

Less than a year. It went from serious to non-serious at the 5th month mark. I completely checked out of it, and we just stopped talking to each other.

[zengirl]

First, understand that 4 dates is nowhere near a relationship and temper your expectations as such. Do not expect it to be like a relationship from the get-go. That's not "normal."

 

In this case, just accept that you guys were not compatible. You didn't like his looks from the beginning, you had a good 2nd date and changed your mind, but things have not gone well, you've hit snags, and it's not working out well. Why drag it on? Are you really that desperate?

[xxoo]

As with the most recent event, when he told me he was busy celebrating his cousin's birthday and hadn't time to talk to me, I told him whatever, and refused to speak to him for two days.

 

First of all, this is unacceptable.

 

You go on to explain all the reasons you feel put on the backburner, and how you feel you are expected to make time for him more than he is willing to make time for you. All of those concerns are fair. But you must COMMUNICATE those concerns. The silent treatment is the opposite of communication.

 

Instead of lashing out in anger, tell him, "I'm angry, and this is why." Give him a chance to respond. Listen to his point of view. Try to understand each other's point of view.

[xpaperxcutx]

First, understand that 4 dates is nowhere near a relationship and temper your expectations as such. Do not expect it to be like a relationship from the get-go. That's not "normal."

 

In this case, just accept that you guys were not compatible. You didn't like his looks from the beginning, you had a good 2nd date and changed your mind, but things have not gone well, you've hit snags, and it's not working out well. Why drag it on? Are you really that desperate?

 

Zengirl, I'm not saying I'm in a relationship with him. I'm not his girl and neither is he my " boyfriend". It's way too soon for that. My confusion is why things aren't going smoothly for a relationship to build from things. I know I'm part sabotager, but i feel he has share of half of the blame as well.

 

Why are you calling me desperate? I think there is mutual attraction but it's not working out the way I'd expect it too. I'm not dating anybody else because I don't want to multidate. The reason it's dragging is because I'm giving this a chance.

[xpaperxcutx]

First of all, this is unacceptable.

 

You go on to explain all the reasons you feel put on the backburner, and how you feel you are expected to make time for him more than he is willing to make time for you. All of those concerns are fair. But you must COMMUNICATE those concerns. The silent treatment is the opposite of communication.

 

Instead of lashing out in anger, tell him, "I'm angry, and this is why." Give him a chance to respond. Listen to his point of view. Try to understand each other's point of view.

 

Thanks xoxo, for pointing this out. The thing is, I have a really hard time speaking about my emotions. I really hate confrontations and it makes me incredibly vulnerable.

[somedude81]

Refusing to talk to a guy is about the worst thing you can do.

 

If you have any desire to make a relationship work, don't play games.

[Mme. Chaucer]

In this case, it seems that your timing is off.

 

A few things you posted earlier, (sleeping in the same bed, expecting him to hang out with your friend, etc.) plus 4 fights, are completely out of the realm of "normal" or appropriate for two strangers who are just getting to know each other.

 

Frankly, I can't even wrap my mind around arguing / fighting with a guy I've just been on a very few dates with. That comes with more intimacy and familiarity, if it's coming. Disagreeing with him and having the feelings that you are, for example, hurt and angy about not being prioritized, I understand. Lashing out and fighting about it at this stage? Wrong.

 

You are learning about each other and what you have learned so far is that it doesn't look like this relationship is going to take off.

 

I hope you don't take this badly - but it really does sound childish, to me.

 

I guess I would categorize it basically as personal boundary issues of your own. Next time you meet someone promising, just try your hardest to take it one step at a time and be very observant. Save things like fighting, swearing on parents' lives, meeting BFF's and sleeping in the same bed for when you know that you've built something with the person.

[Star Gazer]

I'm not childish...

 

I would disagree. When you don't get your way, you lash out in a petulant manner.

 

Also, with new guy, you expect him to engage you and give you a level of attention and priority only appropriate from a doting boyfriend.

[xpaperxcutx]

In this case, it seems that your timing is off.

 

A few things you posted earlier, (sleeping in the same bed, expecting him to hang out with your friend, etc.) plus 4 fights, are completely out of the realm of "normal" or appropriate for two strangers who are just getting to know each other.

 

Frankly, I can't even wrap my mind around arguing / fighting with a guy I've just been on a very few dates with. That comes with more intimacy and familiarity, if it's coming. Disagreeing with him and having the feelings that you are, for example, hurt and angy about not being prioritized, I understand. Lashing out and fighting about it at this stage? Wrong.

 

You are learning about each other and what you have learned so far is that it doesn't look like this relationship is going to take off.

 

I hope you don't take this badly - but it really does sound childish, to me.

 

I guess I would categorize it basically as personal boundary issues of your own. Next time you meet someone promising, just try your hardest to take it one step at a time and be very observant. Save things like fighting, swearing on parents' lives, meeting BFF's and sleeping in the same bed for when you know that you've built something with the person.

 

Mme., I can't deal with this. This has caused me much grief for all the wrong reasons. I asked to give me a call, and he made me wait three hours for him. Then he had the audacity to call me immature. I'm like " Immature for asking you to call? That's not asking for much". This guy is messing with my head.

[Star Gazer]

When he cancels on me because his grandfather, I'm expected to be understanding, yet when I cancel on him because of personal reasons, he thinks I'm being unreasonable.

 

Because you canceled on him out of spite.

 

Mme., I can't deal with this. This has caused me much grief for all the wrong reasons. I asked to give me a call, and he made me wait three hours for him. Then he had the audacity to call me immature. I'm like " Immature for asking you to call? That's not asking for much". This guy is messing with my head.

 

Three whole hours! [/sarcasm]

 

What exact words did you use with him when he reached you to express that you were upset he "waited three whole hours" to call?

[Woggle]

That is his family's birthday and you have not been dating too long so honestly you do seem out of line getting angry. Doing this will only make him want to avoid you further.

[veggirl]

First, understand that 4 dates is nowhere near a relationship and temper your expectations as such. Do not expect it to be like a relationship from the get-go. That's not "normal."

 

In this case, just accept that you guys were not compatible. You didn't like his looks from the beginning, you had a good 2nd date and changed your mind, but things have not gone well, you've hit snags, and it's not working out well. Why drag it on? Are you really that desperate?

 

I agree with all of this, 100%. It's exactly what I was thinking as I read the OP.

 

Paper, you have jumped way too quickly into "relationshipy" behavior with this guy. Dating at this stage should be exciting and fun, 4 fights already is nuts! It really does seem that you expect a guy you've been on a few dates with to act as your boyfriend. I don't get it.

 

Are you still planning on continuing with this guy?

[xxoo]

Mme., I can't deal with this. This has caused me much grief for all the wrong reasons. I asked to give me a call, and he made me wait three hours for him. Then he had the audacity to call me immature. I'm like " Immature for asking you to call? That's not asking for much". This guy is messing with my head.

 

You've been dating 2 weeks, and he was with family. If he called you back 3 hours later (after leaving the event, for example), that seems reasonable.

 

Is there a reason you needed contact during that time?

 

What were you doing during those 3 hours? Your relationship is new. Your lives should not be so intertwined that you need constant contact. You should have a whole engaging life separate from him.

[xpaperxcutx]

You've been dating 2 weeks, and he was with family. If he called you back 3 hours later (after leaving the event, for example), that seems reasonable.

 

Is there a reason you needed contact during that time?

 

What were you doing during those 3 hours? Your relationship is new. Your lives should not be so intertwined that you need constant contact. You should have a whole engaging life separate from him.

 

No, it's two separate issues. One, he asked me to call Friday afternoon, I was busy at work and I called him 5-6 hours later, when I finally had time to look at my phone. He answered and didn't even said hi or anything he just said, " I can't talk right now, I'm with my cousin for dinner", and the line went dead. I was working non-stop for 5-6 hours and he just left it at that? So I texted him a whatever and I didn't talk to him.

 

Then today, I had to cancel with him because my phone died and I forgot to buy minutes for my phone. I had to borrow my friend's call to text him, he didn't reply at all. So I called him and asked him if he was available to talk but he was at the gym so I told him to call me when he's free. I waited three hours for him and then he had the audacity to call me immature because I asked him to call? I find I'm being chided at because I chose a better form of communication with him? That is not right nor is it reasonable.

 

I don't ask him for anything. And I feel like he's treating me like I owed him.

[TheFinalWord]

I'm really out of the loop. My tendency to self- sabotage my relationships is coming to a head. It's been two weeks already, and I've already had my 4th fight/ argument with the guy.

 

I admit I can be moody. I would not call myself sensitive but I've on more than one occasion have acted on my feelings, be it happiness or sadness, but mostly anger. I lash out with in an aggressive way that often requires me to apologize. As with the most recent event, when he told me he was busy celebrating his cousin's birthday and hadn't time to talk to me, I told him whatever, and refused to speak to him for two days.

 

I'm not childish, but I often feel I've been wronged by people and thus take out my anger on them. With him, I feel like I am being backburned. I don't disagree family is important and takes a priority, and I certainly do not want to fight with him on this, but he hasn't given me the same amount of time and respect as I've given him. He asked that I be understanding, but how is it that he can ask for my time and I, not him?

When he cancels on me because his grandfather, I'm expected to be understanding, yet when I cancel on him because of personal reasons, he thinks I'm being unreasonable.

 

Yes, I'm growing resentful. For him work and family will always be the top priorities and I feel like we're not on the same page. He dates me at his convenience ( when he's not at a work) and I suppose I'm to accept that(?). I won't do it.

 

So i know this is not " normal" to start a relationship. Again, I've been out of the loop. How can I make him understand if he wants to date me, to put in more effort besides bread crumbs? I don't like to beg, and I'd rather he stop altogether.

 

I think having a healthy (I don't like the word normal, b/c that's hard to define) relationship starts with having the right mindset.

 

I think a few key things would make everyone have a healthier outlook on dating:

 

1) Learn to love being single. Like most everyone here, I'd really like to find a partner; someone who shares my interests, supports me, and that is physically attractive.

 

But I have re-framed my mind that such a person would complement my life; not be the center of it. Have other goals in life. Do what you want to do (the American dream).

 

Too many people tie their self-worth to finding a partner. If you have that mentality, prepare to be disappointed. Because even if you find a partner, they're still human beings. They're going to fail.

 

This mentality helps get out of the trap we see so much of here, which goes to my second point...

 

2) Don't settle.

 

Have realistic standards, but don't just take someone because there are no better options. You have already stated there are red flags with this guy. Why puruse a man that is already raising red flags?

 

If you do this to me it states you aren't content enough with your single life. It means you don't have any purpose for you life that is important enough to you. You need a human to "fulfill" you. I think we will have fulfilling relationships if we have a vision for our lives. Then another person comes along and the two paths come together. Put that first. Focus on becoming the right person instead of finding the right person.

 

If you're not content with your single life I don't think you will be mentally prepared for a relationship. This mentality of settling sets up the whole "needy/desperate" act we all loathe so much. Also, it's not cool to play with other people's emotions. These are human beings we're dealing with. The golden rule applies! Don't string people along so you can get your emotional fix please

 

Write down the 5 key things you need in a person. Stick to your list! Ask a close friend to review it to see if you're being reasonable. Be specific. Don't just say "a nice, tall man", "a petite, hot chick" lol More like,

 

1) A woman that is interested in my profession and wants to help me accomplish my vision

 

2) A woman that enjoys traveling out West and enjoys hiking

 

3) A brunette with blue eyes (whatever it is for you; be realistic )

 

4) A woman that has a long-term vision for her life, plans for the future, and is a modest spender

 

5) A woman that is kind, intellectual, and close to her family

 

You see there is nothing about sports (b/c sports don't interest me), wild night life, or supermodel on my list. Not that my list is the best, you have to figure out what it is for you!

 

3) Don't settle when in a relationship.

 

If someone is treating you bad or you start getting red flags, get out. Stop wasting your time. Too many times I have dated people and overlooked red flags. Now I know better. You get in the relationship and keep it going much longer than it should. This is where so much emotional stress gets involved.

 

Of course you have to compromise in a relationship. I think there is a key way to tell if you're settling...if you're worse off with this person than without them; get rid of them! See rule 1 This person is supposed to complement your life and make it better. If they're draining you, why keep it going? Life is way too short and there's way too many people out there.

 

Don't get jaded over past relationships. Put the ownness on yourself to enjoy being single, not settle, and not prolong relationship that are emotionally draining.

[threebyfate]

Instead of looking externally for what everyone else has or believes a relationship should entail, reverse engineer what works with you.

 

In concrete terms, what are your expectations of treatment from a partner?

[xxoo]

No, it's two separate issues. One, he asked me to call Friday afternoon, I was busy at work and I called him 5-6 hours later, when I finally had time to look at my phone. He answered and didn't even said hi or anything he just said, " I can't talk right now, I'm with my cousin for dinner", and the line went dead. I was working non-stop for 5-6 hours and he just left it at that? So I texted him a whatever and I didn't talk to him.

 

What assumptions did you make, based on that?

 

The line died....did you assume the call was dropped, or that he hung up on you?

 

For most people I trust and know well, that message would be enough. I wouldn't be upset. I wouldn't text a "whatever". I'd wonder why the line went dead, but assume the call was dropped, or the phone died.

 

What did you assume? What really happened? Was he upset that you hadn't called earlier?

 

Then today, I had to cancel with him because my phone died and I forgot to buy minutes for my phone. I had to borrow my friend's call to text him, he didn't reply at all. So I called him and asked him if he was available to talk but he was at the gym so I told him to call me when he's free. I waited three hours for him and then he had the audacity to call me immature because I asked him to call? I find I'm being chided at because I chose a better form of communication with him? That is not right nor is it reasonable.

 

I don't understand him calling you childish for that. I'm going to assume there was another communication breakdown, since that seems to be the theme. Did you ask him what he would have preferred you do?

[veggirl]

No, it's two separate issues. One, he asked me to call Friday afternoon, I was busy at work and I called him 5-6 hours later, when I finally had time to look at my phone. He answered and didn't even said hi or anything he just said, " I can't talk right now, I'm with my cousin for dinner", and the line went dead.

 

That was rude!

 

So I texted him a whatever and I didn't talk to him.

 

 

As was that!

 

So I called him and asked him if he was available to talk but he was at the gym so I told him to call me when he's free. I waited three hours for him and then he had the audacity to call me immature because I asked him to call?

 

So you said call when you're free...which he did. It happened to be 3 hours later. He said you were immature just cause you asked him to call? Or because you freaked out that he was busy for those 3 hours?

[jobaba]

No, it's two separate issues. One, he asked me to call Friday afternoon, I was busy at work and I called him 5-6 hours later, when I finally had time to look at my phone. He answered and didn't even said hi or anything he just said, " I can't talk right now, I'm with my cousin for dinner", and the line went dead. I was working non-stop for 5-6 hours and he just left it at that? So I texted him a whatever and I didn't talk to him.

 

Then today, I had to cancel with him because my phone died and I forgot to buy minutes for my phone. I had to borrow my friend's call to text him, he didn't reply at all. So I called him and asked him if he was available to talk but he was at the gym so I told him to call me when he's free. I waited three hours for him and then he had the audacity to call me immature because I asked him to call? I find I'm being chided at because I chose a better form of communication with him? That is not right nor is it reasonable.

 

I don't ask him for anything. And I feel like he's treating me like I owed him.

 

I had car problems yesterday and my girlfriend dropped everything to come pick me up and then went out of her way to pick me up and bring me back to the shop this morning even though she had to work. And I'd do the same for her.

 

THAT is a relationship.

 

And it is found by looking past all of the crap that everybody here uses to screen out good people: looks, money, career, baggage, dealbreakers ... you name it.

 

I know nobody's listening, but oh well...

[make me believe]

He answered and didn't even said hi or anything he just said, " I can't talk right now, I'm with my cousin for dinner", and the line went dead.

 

That was strange and rude. He should have just texted you rather than doing that.

 

So I texted him a whatever and I didn't talk to him.

 

But THIS was extremely childish!!! Really, saying "whatever" and ignoring him is your way of dealing when you have a problem with something he did? You are never going to have a healthy relationship with anyone if you keep that up. You could have sent him a text or called him later & told him that what he did on the phone was rude and bothered you.

 

Then today, I had to cancel with him because my phone died and I forgot to buy minutes for my phone. I had to borrow my friend's call to text him, he didn't reply at all. So I called him and asked him if he was available to talk but he was at the gym so I told him to call me when he's free. I waited three hours for him and then he had the audacity to call me immature because I asked him to call? I find I'm being chided at because I chose a better form of communication with him? That is not right nor is it reasonable.

 

If somebody texted me from their friends phone, I would most likely not respond to the text. I would assume that they just wanted to give me the info, not have a whole conversation. Why would you expect him to text your friend's phone??? And you told him to call you when he was free, which he did! So I agree with veggirl, he probably called you immature because you most likely freaked out that he didn't immediately drop everything & call you that very second, but instead waited until he was free..... which was what you told him to do.

 

So honestly, you sound extremely immature and like you don't know how to be in a relationship. Your reactions to these things are totally overblown and inappropriate for somebody who you've only gone on a few dates with. Why are you even wasting your time with this BS?? FOUR fights with someone you've only known for a few weeks, are you kidding me?? My husband and I haven't even gotten in four fights in the past few months!

[Kamille]

I really hate confrontations and it makes me incredibly vulnerable.

 

Confrontation is indeed uncomfortable, but it is an inevitable part of human relationships. The 4 fights you've had in the past two weeks could perhaps be proof of that. So the trick to healthy relationships isn't to avoid confrontation but to learn how to handle it. Speaking up about what bothers you in an open-minded, secure, confident way goes a long way towards learning to handle confrontation productively. xxoo's suggestion was sound: you could have enquired about what happened and told him how it made you feel. Simple. No anxiety required. It's also a great way to figure out compatibility: if you speak up about your needs in a calm rational way and he reacts badly, than you know you're incompatible.

 

That being said, paper, I do have to wonder why you're wasting so much energy on this guy. Clearly something doesn't sit right with you about this guy. Clearly, you don't trust him. I recommend listening to your instincts.

[kaylan]

If things arent going smootly, nor feel "normal" then thats a sign to pull the plug.

 

Ive learned not to try and save relationships with too much negative energy....especially when theres so much early on. Its prolonging the inevitable end. The relationships that are good for you will not take all this trouble. Thats what Ive told myself as I got older.

 

Why pull yourself out of the dating game for someone thats not fulfilling your needs? I made a thread a while back (on enotalone..not here) about how I felt I sometimes sabotaged my love life, and was drawn to girls that I had conflicts with. Its part of the reason I took a break from dating.

 

No matter how strong the pull is, ya gotta stay away from people who dont try for you...ya gotta stay away from people you clash so easily with right away. It doesnt make for a healthy relationship when things begin that way.

Edited March 5, 2012 by kaylan

[xpaperxcutx]

It's over.

 

He had a huge blow up on my phone by text calling me immature and comparing me to an eighth grader.

He had nothing better to say to me than blame me for every fight. And said he's done alot for me and given me respect. Really, high pedestal much?

He was the one who can't even make time for me, and cancelling at the last minute as well.

 

 

He said it's over, I said fine, bye.

 

@ kaylan It isn't that I'm restricting myself to only one person, but I'm too busy and usually too preoccupied to bother handling more than one guy at a time.

Edited March 5, 2012 by xpaperxcutx