Jump to content

guys who have slept around can be the most loyal of all


danny in van

Recommended Posts

Hi, this is not a question, but me putting forth a much needed perspective. Many will like to assume that a guy with high #s of girls in his past will be more likely to cheat in a relationship. I say that's a lazy cliche, and it's spread around by 'beta' guys to discredit the guy who is popular with girls. Once I hit my 30s I found the greatest girl and was with her and completely loyal for 7 yrs. She left me cuz I was her first guy and she had to 'spread her wings' (she was 19 when we met).

 

So here's my point: BECAUSE my curiosity and appetite were previously satisfied (20s were very hedonistic, guilt free, and prolific) I was happily monogomous with her. Ladies, beware the 'nice guy' who try to personify loyalty. Because most guys I know haven't come close to fulfilling their 'bucket list' (sorry for crudeness, but ya know what I mean) so they WILL or WANT to if they could ever get away with it!

 

I see beautiful girls when in a relationship, but I don't have to 'have them' because I've experienced that. So I'm loyal as a swan- assuming the girl I'm with has her act together, and is fit, cute, fun, uncomplicated, normal, litehearted, kind etc.

Comments?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with you actually. And I think the same goes for girls who have done less than ladylike things.

 

I think it all boils down to confidence. Confidence people can get lots of play in their wild 'sowing their oats' days. But a truly confident person also knows what they want and are happy to settle down with it when they find something worth settling down for. Less confident people are always going to be questioning themselves and their choices which is more likely going to lead to a wandering eye and floundering in a relationship.

 

That's why I try not to judge too harshly on someone's number (I mean unless it's truly staggering, which to me shows a less than confident person who will sleep with just about anyone that will take them.). I judge more on their character realizing that everyone has a past and that if we chose each other to settle down with, we are both the real winners in the game.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
kiss_andmakeup

I agree with you, too. For both genders. That doesn't mean that having some ridiculously high number of previous partners is great, but I think it's good to have had some experience. Then you're not always wondering what/who else could be out there...you just appreciate how great the one you've got is.

 

My "number" is what I'd guess to be on the average side for my age, and I'm fine with that. I've been with enough guys to know what a true keeper my current boyfriend is. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

SOMETIMES it is true. Many times it's not. Especially if it has a formed a pattern. The key word is SOME experience. Not sleeping with every Dick and Harry... I don't think it is spread by "beta-guys" but perhaps women who have been burnt by men who got bored after a few years and wanted to re-live the wild times of their youth. In other words: while it's true that some experience within reason is good to have, once you form a pattern it's difficult to break. Imagine dating a swinger or someone who's into threesomes all the time, and then who suddenly states he or she became "monogamous". How did that sudden change happen? A call from God perhaps? He met the woman of his life and that *gasp* happened to be me? LOL Not gonna fall for that. Sorry amigo. :cool:

 

(Of course it's no surprise she left you as she was only 19 when you met. Some relationship experience is usually good before settling down as I already said. So it's better to choose women closer to your own age next time. Then they won't leave you (well, unless you want them to...)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi, this is not a question, but me putting forth a much needed perspective. Many will like to assume that a guy with high #s of girls in his past will be more likely to cheat in a relationship. I say that's a lazy cliche, and it's spread around by 'beta' guys to discredit the guy who is popular with girls. Once I hit my 30s I found the greatest girl and was with her and completely loyal for 7 yrs. She left me cuz I was her first guy and she had to 'spread her wings' (she was 19 when we met).

 

So here's my point: BECAUSE my curiosity and appetite were previously satisfied (20s were very hedonistic, guilt free, and prolific) I was happily monogomous with her. Ladies, beware the 'nice guy' who try to personify loyalty. Because most guys I know haven't come close to fulfilling their 'bucket list' (sorry for crudeness, but ya know what I mean) so they WILL or WANT to if they could ever get away with it!

 

I see beautiful girls when in a relationship, but I don't have to 'have them' because I've experienced that. So I'm loyal as a swan- assuming the girl I'm with has her act together, and is fit, cute, fun, uncomplicated, normal, litehearted, kind etc.

Comments?

 

Maybe when you're older that's true, but I'm 21 so it's a dealbreaker if a guy has a big number. Also, when I get older, if a guy has NO problem with his hefty past and feels like it was simply a "right of passage", then I won't give him a second thought. Being sexually impulsive when you're young is common and somewhat understandable, but as you mature I would expect you to see the wrong in acting the way you did when you were younger.

Link to post
Share on other sites
fortyninethousand322

I kind of agree with this. It's one of the big reasons I think I'm not ready to be a good relationship partner despite wanting to be.

Link to post
Share on other sites

When it comes to both sexes in this topic, I just wonder............ if they had most of their sexual experiences from their past serious romantic relationships .......if they do.........i do feel sorry for their exes, in a rather odd way.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Maybe when you're older that's true, but I'm 21 so it's a dealbreaker if a guy has a big number. Also, when I get older, if a guy has NO problem with his hefty past and feels like it was simply a "right of passage", then I won't give him a second thought. Being sexually impulsive when you're young is common and somewhat understandable, but as you mature I would expect you to see the wrong in acting the way you did when you were younger.

 

Oh I definitely don't see my past as 'wrong'. Actually suppressing your desires may be 'wrong'- and is unhealthy and leads to: cheating & secret sexual deviance (look at priests who try to claim they will never ever have sex, cuz they say it's 'wrong' and therefore prey upon boys).

It's only wrong if you coerced someone into it!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Oh I definitely don't see my past as 'wrong'. Actually suppressing your desires may be 'wrong'- and is unhealthy and leads to: cheating & secret sexual deviance (look at priests who try to claim they will never ever have sex, cuz they say it's 'wrong' and therefore prey upon boys).

It's only wrong if you coerced someone into it!

"Wrong" maybe it's not. But incompatible with a lot of people, yes. Big numbers are a dealbraker for me, too. Not everyone is suppressing sexual desire just because they don't sleep with many people. I think the priests example is a bit extreme.

 

In other words, if this was a job, the employers would look at your CV and your past experience. And they would assess the risks. And while some experience is always good as people progress in their lives and careers of course, too much experience on many fields is not good for any employer. (I know that because I am part of a job interview panel. lol) So, they will question your level of commitment for this particular job and no matter how much you try to convince them you're actually really good at this, very few employers would risk hiring you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
"Wrong" maybe it's not. But incompatible with a lot of people, yes. Big numbers are a dealbraker for me, too. Not everyone is suppressing sexual desire just because they don't sleep with many people. I think the priests example is a bit extreme.

 

In other words, if this was a job, the employers would look at your CV and your past experience. And they would assess the risks. And while some experience is always good as people progress in their lives and careers of course, too much experience on many fields is not good for any employer. (I know that because I am part of a job interview panel. lol) So, they will question your level of commitment for this particular job and no matter how much you try to convince them you're actually really good at this, very few employers would risk hiring you.

 

Exactly. Good comparison :)

That priest argument was terrible, lol.

 

I can imagine I could be compatible with someone in the future who had a big past, but as I said, I want to see maturity on their part. It is an unfulfilling way to live your life and having no self-control shows immense immaturity (although that's kind of expected amongst college-aged guys), so as long as the guy genuinely saw it that way, I would have no problem.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Exactly. Good comparison :)

That priest argument was terrible, lol.

 

I can imagine I could be compatible with someone in the future who had a big past, but as I said, I want to see maturity on their part. It is an unfulfilling way to live your life and having no self-control shows immense immaturity (although that's kind of expected amongst college-aged guys), so as long as the guy genuinely saw it that way, I would have no problem.

Indeed. I would see it as personal growth myself, too, because such behavior is usually associated with immature college guys. So I wouldn't have a problem either AS LONG AS he genuinely realized what he did was not compatible with long term commitment (and also didn't minimize it by saying "oh, but my past is what made me what I am today etc".

But again, I'd rather lessen the risks as much as possible by dating someone who did not have a wild past. LOL

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
"Wrong" maybe it's not. But incompatible with a lot of people, yes. Big numbers are a dealbraker for me, too. Not everyone is suppressing sexual desire just because they don't sleep with many people. I think the priests example is a bit extreme.

 

In other words, if this was a job, the employers would look at your CV and your past experience. And they would assess the risks. And while some experience is always good as people progress in their lives and careers of course, too much experience on many fields is not good for any employer. (I know that because I am part of a job interview panel. lol) So, they will question your level of commitment for this particular job and no matter how much you try to convince them you're actually really good at this, very few employers would risk hiring you.

 

I think you're a girl? And I ask because it's impossible for you to know the mind and impulses of a man (as I don't truly know what goes on in a woman's head). And I bring this up because I do believe male sexual suppression is at the root of a lot of issues. Men are TOTALLY different from women- and men instinctually wanna have sex way more than they can typically, which leads to an inner psych imbalance- leading to all types of tics, neuroses, compulsions and endless searching for validation from women (thus most males wandering eyes, despite the fact that he physically does nothing about it)...Anyway, my instinctual remedy for all of this is pursuing and indulging your appetites- til the appetite for many others' subsides- as it has for me (for the most part!)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Indeed. I would see it as personal growth myself, too, because such behavior is usually associated with immature college guys. So I wouldn't have a problem either AS LONG AS he genuinely realized what he did was not compatible with long term commitment (and also didn't minimize it by saying "oh, but my past is what made me what I am today etc".

But again, I'd rather lessen the risks as much as possible by dating someone who did not have a wild past. LOL

 

Maybe that will work- but my whole point here is CERTAIN guys who have had lots of success with women have sexually 'self actualized' - and graduate to the next level. That is, loyal out of choice, not out of fear of getting busted by the GF - and demoted back to a sad sack single celibate life!

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think you're a girl? And I ask because it's impossible for you to know the mind and impulses of a man (as I don't truly know what goes on in a woman's head). And I bring this up because I do believe male sexual suppression is at the root of a lot of issues. Men are TOTALLY different from women- and men instinctually wanna have sex way more than they can typically, which leads to an inner psych imbalance- leading to all types of tics, neuroses, compulsions and endless searching for validation from women (thus most males wandering eyes, despite the fact that he physically does nothing about it)...Anyway, my instinctual remedy for all of this is pursuing and indulging your appetites- til the appetite for many others' subsides- as it has for me (for the most part!)

Why does it matter what gender I am? But yes, you guessed right, I am a female of course. I am aware of gender differences on a more molecular level (I'm a biochemist/geneticist after all). lol But to answer you:

1. I'm pretty sure there are many monogamous men who are perfectly happy with their arrangement and did not end up to their nearest mental institution for further treatment.

2. By highlighting such differences between the genders (and asking me if I'm a female) it seems you are seriously underestimating female sexuality and libido which can also be extremely high, sometimes more than men. But they still don't mean they have to go out, get wild and "indulge" whenever the urge strikes them. There would be total societal chaos if this happened.

 

Also, I would stay clear of any man who wanted constant "validation" from the opposite gender. I'm sure many men would do the same with a woman who acted like that, too.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think you're a girl? And I ask because it's impossible for you to know the mind and impulses of a man (as I don't truly know what goes on in a woman's head). And I bring this up because I do believe male sexual suppression is at the root of a lot of issues. Men are TOTALLY different from women- and men instinctually wanna have sex way more than they can typically, which leads to an inner psych imbalance- leading to all types of tics, neuroses, compulsions and endless searching for validation from women (thus most males wandering eyes, despite the fact that he physically does nothing about it)...Anyway, my instinctual remedy for all of this is pursuing and indulging your appetites- til the appetite for many others' subsides- as it has for me (for the most part!)

 

It completely depends on the individual. Blaming biology is the oldest trick in the book.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Why does it matter what gender I am? But yes, you guessed right, I am a female of course. I am aware of gender differences on a more molecular level (I'm a biochemist/geneticist after all). lol But to answer you:

1. I'm pretty sure there are many monogamous men who are perfectly happy with their arrangement and did not end up to their nearest mental institution for further treatment.

2. By highlighting such differences between the genders (and asking me if I'm a female) it seems you are seriously underestimating female sexuality and libido which can also be extremely high, sometimes more than men. But they still don't mean they have to go out, get wild and "indulge" whenever the urge strikes them. There would be total societal chaos if this happened.

 

Also, I would stay clear of any man who wanted constant "validation" from the opposite gender. I'm sure many men would do the same with a woman who acted like that, too.

 

And if his generalization about men is true, think about the generalizations we could make about women that are completely untrue? :D

 

If you want to argue biology is the reason men should be rid of all consequences when it comes to sex, then you need to accept that a woman should be rid of the consequences when she tricks you into impregnanting her (lying about birth control, etc). It is a biological need of a woman to be a mother after all!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Maybe that will work- but my whole point here is CERTAIN guys who have had lots of success with women have sexually 'self actualized' - and graduate to the next level. That is, loyal out of choice, not out of fear of getting busted by the GF - and demoted back to a sad sack single celibate life!

Then you would have to find a GF with similar past to yours (or someone whose general risk assessment is not very demanding). Now, if she or you had a problem with that past, then that would be hypocritical for either of you of course.

Link to post
Share on other sites
And if his generalization about men is true, think about the generalizations we could make about women that are completely untrue? :D

 

If you want to argue biology is the reason men should be rid of all consequences when it comes to sex, then you need to accept that a woman should be rid of the consequences when she tricks you into impregnanting her (lying about birth control, etc). It is a biological need of a woman to be a mother after all!

LOL! Indeed! That natural maternal instinct is so strong! It has to bypass everything else! :D And the dad would have to pay for child support for the rest of his life! Because getting pregnant comes so strongly and naturally for many women. :D

Edited by silvermercy
Link to post
Share on other sites

Actually, I don't believe that the number of partners has any relation to their loyalty to in a relationship. People want different things. I know many a guy few have only had a few relationships and are happily settled down (their bucket list has more to do with their career than their sexual conquests). How a person comports themselves within a relationship is a much better predictor, IMO. As others have pointed out OP, I believe your gf leaving you had much more to do with age then lack of experience. People need time to change and grow and the 20s is that time.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd rather have a man who has sown his wild oats and recognizes a special woman and tries to keep her than one who feels he is missing out by not screwing a lot of women. One reason why I avoid newly divorced men.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I'd rather have a man who has sown his wild oats and recognizes a special woman and tries to keep her than one who feels he is missing out by not screwing a lot of women. One reason why I avoid newly divorced men.

If those were my only options, then yes, I would go for the first type, too. :p

But in real life how can I recognize that first type? A find it a bit difficult, very risky and time-consuming. (That's why I take the less risky road and only go for the non-wild past type. It doesn't mean it would work out of course, but at least I wouldn't smack my forehead when he left me for another woman or because he missed single life etc).

Link to post
Share on other sites
FrustratedStandards

I agree with this.

 

My ex was an alpha, and he slept around a lot before we met, but he was faithful and treated me so well. Even his friends asked me what the hell I did to make him do a 180 lol. He really went out of his way to do things for me (just to be nice).

 

So I agree with this. He already knew that "I can have any girl" lifestyle and he was sick of it. He wanted something genuine, and that's why he valued so much what we had together.

 

HOWEVER, these kind of men are only the most loyal when they are truly in love and deeply care for the person, otherwise they cheat all the time if they are in casual relationships.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have a question for you: How would you feel if your new gf had slept with more guys than you have slept with girls?

 

And how many guys can I girl sleep with before you think it's too many?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Why does it matter what gender I am? But yes, you guessed right, I am a female of course. I am aware of gender differences on a more molecular level (I'm a biochemist/geneticist after all). lol But to answer you:

1. I'm pretty sure there are many monogamous men who are perfectly happy with their arrangement and did not end up to their nearest mental institution for further treatment.

2. By highlighting such differences between the genders (and asking me if I'm a female) it seems you are seriously underestimating female sexuality and libido which can also be extremely high, sometimes more than men. But they still don't mean they have to go out, get wild and "indulge" whenever the urge strikes them. There would be total societal chaos if this happened.

 

Also, I would stay clear of any man who wanted constant "validation" from the opposite gender. I'm sure many men would do the same with a woman who acted like that, too.

 

Well I explained why I asked about gender: because since you're a girl you can only guess what goes thru a guy's mind -whereas I know. And what goes thru is the desire to have sex with lotsa diff girls. Females have high sex drives too, but in basic anthro 101 we learned females have to be selective- whereas men are wired oppositely. Girls always wanna think their guy is different, and there ARE variations amongst men. But if a guy didn't -or doesn't want to spread his seed- I say he's either in denial, in poor physical shape (has a direct correlation to sex drive) , or in the closet, or simply gave up as he recognized limited options. Girls try to define womanizing as immaturity, and some guys will buy into the obvious propaganda to appease the girl. Monogamy more reflects self interest. You gain 'stability' rather than the peaks and valleys of singledom. But what does stability and comfortability have to do with maturity?

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...