Did I overreact by breaking it off?

[Kallen]

I'll try to keep this short. I'm a 31 and have been widowed for over a year.

 

I finally meet someone I feel I have a connection to. I laid out my past to this person, widowhood included. He says he feels a connection as well, and this rarely happens to him blah blah.

 

Our sexual histories come up and I've only been with one man (hubby) he says he has been with over 30, then later changed it to 60 (really?!)

 

We end up becoming intimate way to fast, I was horrified about what happened and in the morning while on our way to Mickey D's, he say's "Thanks for the pussy" Which was so rude. I let him know I wasn't expecting anything to come from this, at that point I just wanted to go home.

 

Well, he says he likes me and wanted to continue seeing me. I said ok, since for some strange reason I couldn't even fathom myself, I liked him.

 

He lives about an hour and a half away, I drove up the first time, the second time, etc. I asked why he won't come down to see me, I have my own place...."Oh, I have anxiety when I stay over at other people's houses" Ok.

 

We continue having sex. We don't go anywhere. Just to his place to have sex. The third time this happens, I confront him that I will not continue seeing him if this is all he wants. He assures me it's not.

 

I get a text from him about us going to the movies and out to dinner. I say ok,sounds good. Oh, I have to drive up to see him...Ok, and we'll have to use my car....ok. The next text was "We can never be BF and GF, I can't marry someone who's been married" I think I stared at that text a good 3 minutes....my response was that was a horrible thing to say,nice meeting you and good luck... He was shocked I didn't want to continue seeing him.....

 

I didn't text him a good two days, he finally calls me saying he misses me and he is confused, he really likes me, and lets still hang out. I said fine. He asks me to come up, but we will "just cuddle" yea right, we have sex....after the sex he tells me " My vagina chaffed his dick" and having sex with me was like having sex with a dried out donut." I called him an *******, he said I was being "dramatic"

 

After we established he can't ever "marry me" he's become really disrespectful. While driving to get dinner, he asks why I don't have any tattoo's, I tell him why I don't. He then says I should get one that says "Eric's cum dumpster" his name isn't Eric, I don't want to say his real name. He thought it was hilarious.

 

At dinner he asks why I hang out with him, since he treats me so awfully, and has no respect for me etc. I confront him and and say he is being a complete bastard, he assures me he is kidding, and he if he didn't like me he wouldn't hang out with me....

 

We go back to his place, have sex, of course he tells me something mean afterwards....this time it was "Every time we have sex, your vagina makes my dick itch, that's why I don't go down on you, I don't want my face to itch too" (I got tested after having sex with him and everything came back fine)

 

 

I finally got some sense into me and leave, he couldn't believe I was going home.....

 

He texted me that "I got weird" I told him he was cruel.

 

He texted me to come up last night, and I told him no, he treated me awfully and the only one who was getting anything out of this arrangement was him....he said " I don't treat you badly, you're acting crazy, just come up"

 

I told him to "F--- off" I feel bad about that....we haven't talked in three days, I know I did the right thing, but I shouldn't have cussed at him.

 

The most disturbing thing to all of this is that I MISS HIM!? what is wrong with me.....

[ditzchic]

Oh wow. I've dated some real *******s in my life but this guy takes the cake!!!

 

Thank God you had the sense to walk away. Please please please delete all his numbers and any trace of him from your life. You do not need this. I know you still want him so it will be tough to deny yourself trying to contact him but you know it's the right thing to do. Muscle through. The urges to talk to him will fade away soon enough.

[verhrzn]

This guy is a freaking nightmare. Block him in whatever way you need to. I have NO idea why you would miss such an a**hole. You should have cussed him out MORE.

[kaylan]

What I gotta ask is this:

 

Is youre self esteem that in the gutter that you put up with his disrespect for so long? Did you really feel you had no other options but a jerk who lives 90 minutes away? Always keep your standards up, no matter what your situation.

 

At the first sign of behavior such as this, you should have bailed. I mean how dare he tell you something like "I cant marry someone whos been married" when you are a fvking widow for christs sake. Id understand his viewpoint somewhat if you actually had a failed marriage and were the cause for it...but you are a goddamn widow. Screw this guy.

 

Honey, you did good though. You have options out there. I still dont understand why you had sex with him after all his bs. You can see red flags like this from a mile away. Lesson learned...take this experience and know you wont ever put up with such crap again. If he contacts you again, you should rightly give him a piece of your mind. The dudes a tool, and if I knew who he was Id clock him.

 

Even if he was really joking with some of the stuff he said, theres certain things you dont say to a woman you barely know. Those jokes are best reserved for a girlfriend you know well who doesnt mind you busting her chops. Its totally classless to say those things to women you barely know and think itll come off as a joke.

Edited February 22, 2012 by kaylan

[stillafool]

I can't believe you even took the time to start a thread about this ba----d. Every time he treated you like dirt you awarded him with sex. Why is that? I can't understand why you miss him. Was the sex that good? Think about this, if you do give in and go back he will treat you even worst than he did before because he will know you are weak for him. You should have stop seeing him the first time he said "thanks for the pussy".

[LZ2000]

In all honesty, the man you're dating has his emotional equilibrium severely displaced. He needs help real fast.

[stillafool]

Kallen didn't you divorce your husband when he was terminally ill of did you two get back together before he died? As I recall he treated you horribly as well. After so much verbal abuse from your ex husband why do you think you would seek out a man who does the same thing to you?

[Kallen]

Kallen didn't you divorce your husband when he was terminally ill of did you two get back together before he died? As I recall he treated you horribly as well. After so much verbal abuse from your ex husband why do you think you would seek out a man who does the same thing to you?

 

I never divorced my hubby, he passed away a few weeks after that post. I found out he had a girlfriend when I went to see him in the hospital it really blew my mind, really hurt. We said our goodbyes, that we loved one each other but it wasn't a pleasant situation.

 

It's obvious that the fellow I was seeing is a tool, but he didn't start out that way....I have no excuse for allowing him to treat me that way....He was the second person I've had sex with, and a part of me couldn't accept the fact that I gave it away to someone who clearly didn't care for me at all...so I kept going back hoping he would maybe start caring....

[veggirl]

:eek:

 

Are you serious with all this? Omfg. There is low self esteem, there is lack of self respect, then there is THIS. I am speechless.

[chryssy83]

You did the right thing, although much later than I think you should have.

 

Have you considered some counseling? It can be really rewarding. I did it to address issues from when I was a child and growing up with a father who said awful things to me. When you got used to poor treatment from your husband it changed the settings in your brain about what you have a right to expect from men. If you don't deal with those messed up settings, you won't know what to do with a great guy when you meet one because he won't behave in the way you expect. Please consider it. I actually enjoyed it a lot.

 

As for this guy....please block him. He's an abusive jerk. It's better to be single forever than with someone who will treat you that way.

[Professor X]

I'm so going to hell for this, but I was just laughing as I read your thread. That guy, is such a genius omfg, he said all those retarded comments and you had sex with him time and time again.

 

Don't get me wrong, not laughing at you, just at this whole situation.

[silvermercy]

You ask what's wrong with you. I can't say exactly what, but I'm sure there IS something wrong. Perhaps it's extremely low self esteem. I can't explain otherwise why you stayed with him for so long. Most women would have taken flight at the first rude response. But no, you, instead, stayed AND rewarded him with sex for every blow to the self-esteem you took by him. Perhaps take some time off dating for now and deal with your grief properly first. I don't think you have, going by what you said here. I'm sure there are many books and grief councilors that can help you a lot. Good luck.

Edited February 22, 2012 by silvermercy

[Kallen]

I wasn't with him for long, this all took place over a month and a half. This is really eye opening

[silvermercy]

I wasn't with him for long, this all took place over a month and a half. This is really eye opening

A month and a half is EXTREMELY long in your particular situation...

[Kallen]

I'm so going to hell for this, but I was just laughing as I read your thread. That guy, is such a genius omfg, he said all those retarded comments and you had sex with him time and time again.

 

Don't get me wrong, not laughing at you, just at this whole situation.

 

Yes the comments were retarded....they were meant to be, that's why he said them...in his "brain" they were hilariously funny. He said them to get a reaction from me, even if it was negative.

[veggirl]

Listen, they weren't "retarded"...that makes them sound like he was joking. He wasn't joking. He may have laughed after or said jk, but when he called you a cum dumpster and said I don't respect you, he was telling you what he really thinks.

 

Yes the comments were retarded....they were meant to be, that's why he said them...in his "brain" they were hilariously funny. He said them to get a reaction from me, even if it was negative.

[Kallen]

Listen, they weren't "retarded"...that makes them sound like he was joking. He wasn't joking. He may have laughed after or said jk, but when he called you a cum dumpster and said I don't respect you, he was telling you what he really thinks.

 

yes, the cum dumpster "joke" was the last straw. I asked if jokingly called his mom a cum dumpster.

[Imajerk17]

I wasn't with him for long, this all took place over a month and a half. This is really eye opening

 

That you put up with all this for so long (a month) says more about you than it does about him. You would do yourself well to invest in therapy. You sound seriously unwell.

[SmileFace]

yes, the cum dumpster "joke" was the last straw. I asked if jokingly called his mom a cum dumpster.

 

Well he came out of her so that may just be spot on.

[Imajerk17]

Seriously, NO woman with ANY self-respect would keep putting out for a guy who called her a "dried out donut". WTF. How could you not smack the guy?

 

I'm wondering if this is a troll thread. Kallen has so few posts, so maybe she is a troll.... This is all just too whacked out to be true.

[veggirl]

yes, the cum dumpster "joke" was the last straw. I asked if jokingly called his mom a cum dumpster.

 

It was the last straw? You HAD SEX with him after he said it!! :sick:

[Kallen]

It was the last straw? You HAD SEX with him after he said it!! :sick:

 

it was said as a JOKE, lame on his part and not funny....and I took offense to it. I let him know it wasn't funny to ME. I am a pretty laid back girl, and maybe he thought I could handle it.

 

What I told him when we were eating is that I don't like the way he talks to me it and he needs to stop. He said he didn't have a "filter", and says things before thinking.....fine. So when he said something rude later that night, I LEFT and haven't seen him since.

[Kallen]

That you put up with all this for so long (a month) says more about you than it does about him. You would do yourself well to invest in therapy. You sound seriously unwell.

 

Like I would take anything you say seriously with a user name like Imajerk17 .....he treated me very nicely at first, it was the last few times we had hung out that he really started being an ahole.

[mickleb]

The quote is actually from another post/reply I had written on and it connected with several people...especially that quote. So that quote is just one of the things I said that stood out.

 

What I mean by that is generally that you have to go into a relationship (of any kind) with an already predetermined level of respect you're going to accept/tolerate or that is basically acceptable to you....and stick to it, If the person refuses to treat you respect you demand then you shouldn't be afraid to walk out of that situation. Not just base on how much you like the guy, and how many other good qualities he has, so you're going to just try and appease him in every way and hope he changes. What about you as a person?

 

A lot of women go into relationships with men and bend over backwards for them and then wonder why that man isn't going to treat them with respect, when you never demanded it in the first place. If someone treats you like crap and you're still standing there, then that shows that person that is what you're willing to accept it...even If you complain about it, men kinda tune out what you're saying after a while when it comes to that anyway, especially when it doesn't result in action.

 

To be honest I've disrespected women quite often in the past, and It's not something I'm proud of. I was stubborn, unwavering, arrogant and demanding. Every woman bended trying to appease me but they could never bend far enough. In the end I realized It was my fault and I shouldn't have treated them that way but also I had wished they were more demanding and less yielding. And I started to notice a pattern of every one of them doing whatever they could to please me then at some point come out of the woods demanding things to change when I thought everything was fine.

 

I'm wise and mature enough to see what I did wrong, and also them...I know It's hard for women to control themselves because they are so emotional, but looking around me and seeing so many guys nowadays treat women like **** and they still just stand there and take it..It really makes me wonder why people in general think that letting people walk over them is going to get them anywhere, much less any respect.

 

In the work place I also treat myself like I'm my own business, I watch out for myself, i know I have a value and I don't just treat myself like another employee...a gear that's apart of what makes the wheel go around. And I've noticed demanding and expecting more from others have yielded me much better results than sitting there hoping someone would notice my good/hard work...If I'm doing well and making an impact, I know it and they will too...I'm not overbearing about it, but I feel I deserve a level of respect for my accomplishments and treat myself accordingly.

 

Hi Kallen.

 

This post is from another thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/314838-all-guys-out-there-who-disrespectful-girls

 

It's, generally, very good advice.

 

You keep saying 'fine' in response to all of this guy's excuses. No. Not fine. I don't think anything you wrote in your OP sounded fine to me. He was not okay at the start of the relationship, he was disrespectful from the off.

 

I would hazard a guess that you are both depressed and grieving, as well as having serious self-esteem issues. I imagine you were depressed whilst in your first marriage to allow the abuse then. I have no idea why you have allowed all this abuse - I suspect there's something significant from your upbringing - but you MUST stop making excuses for those who have hurt you like this.

 

Please do seek counselling. Make sure you feel very comfortable with the counsellor you choose, and stick with it as long as it takes. Aside from food and somewhere to live and be warm, I'd suggest you make this your next priority. You do sound very unwell and you do need to address it, asap.

 

Please take the steps you need to help yourself.

 

Take care.

 

x

[veggirl]

it was said as a JOKE, lame on his part and not funny....and I took offense to it. I let him know it wasn't funny to ME. I am a pretty laid back girl, and maybe he thought I could handle it.

 

.

 

You are defending him

Based on all his other comments, no he wasn't JOKING. Even if he laughed. He was telling you where you stand with him, truthfully. I tell ya, my BF likes to tease me and joke around, LOTS of guys I know love to tease their girl. They don't call them cum dumpsters.

 

I'm sorry Kallen. I don't mean to sound like I'm picking on you, but you shouldn't defend a THING he has said to you.

 

I'm SO glad you haven't spoken to him since. Has he tried to contact you? PLEASE stay No Contact!

 

Kallen, he wasn't good to you in the beginning. All he did was use you for sex, the whole time. he made you drive 1.5 hours every time. He never took you out (or he did to a movie and dinner once? And McDs? Doesn't count!). He was never good, he just wasn't.

Edited February 22, 2012 by veggirl