SpiralOut Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Yeah I came to the realization recently that I put up walls. The walls are worse with dating than they are with friendships. I can think of two examples of men that I really liked showing genuine interest in me. I dealt with it by never letting them know that I liked them, ignored their advances, basically acted as if I had no interest. Why? Fear that they will figure out they are too good for me. Not understanding why they would like me. Self-esteem issues, mostly I guess. To this day, I still regret the way I acted. I regret that I may have hurt their feelings with my coldness. It could have been something great for all I know. Does anyone else shut people out that they want to let in? Link to post Share on other sites
SmileFace Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Yes to all of it, sadly enough. Will revisit this thread at a later time. Just experienced something that is only helping build back up the walls I have been working to break down. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I do have high emotional walls because I distrust women. The more attracted I am to a woman, the higher I hold my guard. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Try eliminating your belief that you are not good enough via the Lefkoe Method free website. If you can afford a phone session, I'd suggest that but at least do the free one to get a sense of what it is. At the very least you will see yourself a bit differently, which might eliminate some of your anxiety. Link to post Share on other sites
Teknoe Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Spiral, to answer your topic title directly -- YES OF COURSE. You are not alone. Far from it. A lot of humans go through similar issues. Yeah I came to the realization recently that I put up walls. The walls are worse with dating than they are with friendships. Congratulations. You're ahead of the curve because you've realized and admitted this. The worst thing you could do is NOT know your shortcomings or refuse to see them. Just by admitting you have some issues in this arena means you can start to seek out pro-active choices to help turn this shortcoming into a strength I can think of two examples of men that I really liked showing genuine interest in me. I dealt with it by never letting them know that I liked them, ignored their advances, basically acted as if I had no interest. Why? Fear that they will figure out they are too good for me. Not understanding why they would like me. Self-esteem issues, mostly I guess. To this day, I still regret the way I acted. I regret that I may have hurt their feelings with my coldness. It could have been something great for all I know. We all have regrets, but please accept this and move on. Everything's meant to happened. Use it as a learning experience. Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 No. I'm the other way. I've found it's easier emotionally just to 'go for it'. If I let myself be vulnerable then the sparks fly or not. None of this in between 'what if' guessing. Sure, we can get hurt but even that reality isn't just a negative..it also cleanses quicker and allows us to pick ourselves up and try again. I geel good when I tell my partner that I love her and want her and need her. She tells me the same. The lack of emotional restraint becomes self-fulfilling. It creates a stronger bond. Yes this is what I strive for and have been reasnably good at it recently. You can consciously change your attitude by making yourself to be more positive and it becomes a habit after a while. Especially when you realise that a lot of people respond positively to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpiralOut Posted March 17, 2012 Author Share Posted March 17, 2012 Spiral, to answer your topic title directly -- YES OF COURSE. You are not alone. Far from it. A lot of humans go through similar issues. Congratulations. You're ahead of the curve because you've realized and admitted this. The worst thing you could do is NOT know your shortcomings or refuse to see them. Just by admitting you have some issues in this arena means you can start to seek out pro-active choices to help turn this shortcoming into a strength How could I turn it into a strength? What is good about it? I have decided for now to focus on growing more friendships before attempting any sort of serious romantic relationship. It has been a long time since I let myself become close to someone as a friend; I mean, in terms of new friends. It seems like a good place to start. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 No fear, based on post-D testing, but a strong and healthy trepidation of having that openness tread upon by unhealthy individuals. I've also tested the ability to forgive some who treated me badly during my D and continue the love and empathy I showed them prior. That said, I've loved a few who demonstrated the characteristics described best by this: 'I dealt with it by never letting them know that I liked them, ignored their advances, basically acted as if I had no interest. Why? Fear that they will figure out they are too good for me. Not understanding why they would like me.' except with a bit more sinister twist, where they did lead me to believe they 'liked' me/loved me, bla, bla, did not not ignore advances and then, at a point, 'poof' and gone. Really mind and heart numbing. After a few such times as that, I made a promise never to treat another human in such a manner, and haven't. IMO, the healthiest thing to do is release the regret and live the rest of your life in the manner learned as a result of those experiences. Make yourself proud. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 Yeah I came to the realization recently that I put up walls. The walls are worse with dating than they are with friendships. I can think of two examples of men that I really liked showing genuine interest in me... I feel the same way... except with the two men that I really liked and I THOUGHT were showing genuine interest in me... I pushed things. Pushed it, like, asked them out. Pushed it, like, called them first, or texted them first... because I wanted clarity. NOW. The other way, is like you. Just friendships and don't let anyone get too close. I just left a pretty toxic work environment though, where noone trusts anyone... and everyone is hyper competitive and freaked out 24/7. I've kept my guard up towards new friends I've met through that company. Glad to not be there anymore. It was really polluting my soul. Are there other influences in your life that are making you put walls up? Some more situational or temporary? For me, I had to leave that company to start feeling normal again. I'd argue that having friendships... real friendships based on mutual care... is the foundation for any loving romantic relationship. So, if you feel you need work in developing or maintaining friendships, it is probably going to play out in your romantic life too. I agree it is good to start with friendships. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts