Anyone else not often attracted to people?

[lilyblue]

Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. I'm a 32 year old female and sometimes I feel like I could go out with 50 men in a row and there'd be a 1% chance that I'd be attracted to even one of them. Does anyone else find this to be true?

 

It seems like friends have an easy time feeling attraction. It happens very seldom for me.

[fishtaco]

Normally, I've read here on LS, that women generally are only attracted to maybe 10%. So if you're running at 1%, that's pretty low.

 

Maybe you don't want a relationship. Maybe you're being extra picky because you're insecure about yourself. Maybe you're just not ready. Who knows? Lots of possibilities.

 

But as long as you're having fun then it's all good.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. I'm a 32 year old female and sometimes I feel like I could go out with 50 men in a row and there'd be a 1% chance that I'd be attracted to even one of them. Does anyone else find this to be true?

It seems like friends have an easy time feeling attraction. It happens very seldom for me.

 

That is pretty darn low.

 

What exactly are you looking for?

[Anela]

I'm generally the same way.

[ditzchic]

I feel the same way. I would say that I generally find about 20% of the male population to be "not unattractive". Enough so that I will go out on a couple of dates with them. But really, I find maybe 5% of guys like 'OMG, I want to climb that like a tree' attractive.

 

And it also doesn't help that I have a very specific type. So even if I find a guy attractive in the face, it doesn't mean I'm attracted enough to them as a person.

[Philosoraptor]

But really, I find maybe 5% of guys like 'OMG, I want to climb that like a tree' attractive.

I can't be everywhere ladies; but I do try

 

Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. I'm a 32 year old female and sometimes I feel like I could go out with 50 men in a row and there'd be a 1% chance that I'd be attracted to even one of them. Does anyone else find this to be true?

 

It seems like friends have an easy time feeling attraction. It happens very seldom for me.

Everyone has different likes and dislikes. I've seen many people considered "beautiful" by the public that I just shrug my shoulders at. As long as you end up happy in the end does it matter how many other people you were attracted to along the way?

[westrock]

Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. I'm a 32 year old female and sometimes I feel like I could go out with 50 men in a row and there'd be a 1% chance that I'd be attracted to even one of them. Does anyone else find this to be true?

 

It seems like friends have an easy time feeling attraction. It happens very seldom for me.

 

When you say "attraction" are you referring to physical, intellectual, or emotional or all three at once?

 

You must have had some "attraction" to them, even if on just one level, to at least want to go out with them.

 

When you go out with these 50 men are you expecting to feel attraction on all levels by the first or second date (i.e. instant attraction)? Or are you giving yourself a chance to get to know these guys over a course of several dates over a few weeks before deciding there's no attraction?

 

I once read that if we turn down everyone until we find that 1% person where we feel instant attraction on all levels (physical, intellectual, and emotional) then we are not really attracted to that 1% person, but we are more attracted to our fantasy of a perfect person for us as we think that person is it. The risk is that when we get to know that 1% person we are likely to be disappointed because they can't match up to our fantasy. Better to date someone who starts out with attraction on maybe just one level and slowly get to know them over a few dates to really get to know them and to find out if we truly feel attraction on all three levels.

Edited January 13, 2012 by westrock

[EnigmaticClarity]

I once read that if we turn down everyone until we find that 1% person where we feel instant attraction on all levels (physical, intellectual, and emotional) then we are not really attracted to that 1% person, but we are more attracted to our fantasy of a perfect person for us as we think that person is it. The risk is that when we get to know that 1% person we are likely to be disappointed because they can't match up to our fantasy. Better to date someone who starts out with attraction on maybe just one level and slowly get to know them over a few dates to really get to know them and to find out if we truly feel attraction on all three levels.

 

That was my first thought when I read the original post, that her standards may be unrealistic. She didn't give enough info about what she finds attractive to say that for sure, so I'm waiting until she says more to decide.

[lilyblue]

I don't think that for me it comes from a place of having unrealistic expectations or standards that are too high.

 

I'm not sure if there's always attraction to start - I'm generally just open to opportunities to go out on a date because who knows what might happen. But I end up feeling apathetic most of the time.

 

I guess the most recent experience that made me ask this question was that I went out on one date with a guy. We had a ton in common. He's not unattractive at all. I went out with him again last night and of course the thought of kissing him entered my mind - which repulsed me. I feel completely physically unattracted to him. We're going out again, but I really can't imagine kissing him, but I'm not sure why.

[norajane]

I don't think that for me it comes from a place of having unrealistic expectations or standards that are too high.

 

I'm not sure if there's always attraction to start - I'm generally just open to opportunities to go out on a date because who knows what might happen. But I end up feeling apathetic most of the time.

 

I guess the most recent experience that made me ask this question was that I went out on one date with a guy. We had a ton in common. He's not unattractive at all. I went out with him again last night and of course the thought of kissing him entered my mind - which repulsed me. I feel completely physically unattracted to him. We're going out again, but I really can't imagine kissing him, but I'm not sure why.

 

It's good to take a look at yourself when you see that the problem is not the guy you're out with.

 

What is your relationship history like? Do you tend to fall for people who are unavailable or inappropriate in some way (emotionally, physically, geographically, etc.)? Do you become less attracted if they are available? Do you open up easily, or do you tend to keep many of your thoughts about the relationship to yourself? How do you feel about having people in your space all the time? Do you feel smothered when you're in a relationship? Do you have trouble trusting people?

 

What I'm getting at is that you might have a fear of some kind that you need to work to overcome. Could be fear of intimacy, fear of commitment, fear of abandonment...any of those could sabotage your desire for a relationship by (subconsciously) affecting your reactions and feelings and making you think you aren't interested in someone whom you believe could become a long term relationship.

 

The other thing you might want to consider is how you feel about yourself these days. Maybe you aren't ready to change your life to let someone else in. Maybe you are afraid of changing your life to include a boyfriend, husband, 2.3 kids, dog, minivan in the suburbs...

[EnigmaticClarity]

I feel completely physically unattracted to him. We're going out again, but I really can't imagine kissing him, but I'm not sure why.

 

You've got to figure out why you're not physically attracted to him. Is it something specific? What is it that turns you on about guys, and does this guy have those things? I know EXACTLY what turns me on about women, and as a result, I never have attraction problems because I weed out what I find unattractive before I ever go out.

[ditzchic]

You've got to figure out why you're not physically attracted to him. Is it something specific? What is it that turns you on about guys, and does this guy have those things? I know EXACTLY what turns me on about women, and as a result, I never have attraction problems because I weed out what I find unattractive before I ever go out.

 

There's that. But when a woman actually does figure out what exactly she is attracted to and screens based on those criteria she's accused of being too picky...

[O'Malley]

Were these feelings an established pattern prior to your last relationship?

 

From your posts on other threads, it seems that you're still going through the process of giving yourself closure. The behavior that your ex demonstrated at the end of your relationship may be playing a role in your current detachment. The fear of having your feelings disregarded in a similar manner, the emotional fallout from the loss of your previous friendship with him, the fear of abandonment that Norajane touched upon.

[TheSingleGuy]

I met a woman in a restaurant bar who had been on like 35 dot com dates over the last year and she found all of them unattractive. She fell really hard for me.

 

I've heard a lot of women say they are sexually repulsed by any man they feel they could walk all over. Could it be that women see a guy who makes a cold approach in real life as alpha, sexy, but a guy who sits behind a keyboard looking for dates is inherently unattractive?

 

Have you been meeting men in real life or just dot com dates?

[EnigmaticClarity]

There's that. But when a woman actually does figure out what exactly she is attracted to and screens based on those criteria she's accused of being too picky...

 

So what? Own it like I do--it's easy for me because I know why people accuse you of being too picky and it isn't for reasons they have any morally superior right to criticize you for. I KNOW I'm too picky. I rate people--women AND men--on the most comprehensive 1 to 10 scale I've personally ever seen--one so elaborate I usually avoid sharing it because I know it turns most people off. I do it because I'm a connoisseur of the human form--bodies are like art to me, and I love appreciating good art. I've been appreciating Gina Carano's art a bit today while I'm trapped at work since she's got that new movie coming out.

 

The people who accuse you of being too picky are just jaded and bitter. You like what you like, so **** them.

[Andy_K]

There's that. But when a woman actually does figure out what exactly she is attracted to and screens based on those criteria she's accused of being too picky...

 

If someone consistently has trouble finding a partner, they have three options

 

1) Lower their standards

2) Self improvement. Deserve what you want.

3) Continue blindly hoping for their luck to change

 

Men predominantly seem to choose option 2. Whether it's learning social skills, getting a better job, joining the gym, or whatever else.

 

Women predominantly seem to choose option 3, until they get desperate enough to try option 1. It's this tendency which attracts criticism.

[EnigmaticClarity]

If someone consistently has trouble finding a partner, they have three options

 

1) Lower their standards

2) Self improvement. Deserve what you want.

3) Continue blindly hoping for their luck to change

 

Men predominantly seem to choose option 2. Whether it's learning social skills, getting a better job, joining the gym, or whatever else.

 

Women predominantly seem to choose option 3, until they get desperate enough to try option 1. It's this tendency which attracts criticism.

 

Hehe, agree. Although I'd add an option that many LoveShack members seem to have opted for:

 

4) Become so jaded that all you're capable of is logging onto message forums and bitching endlessly about how shallow the opposite sex is for devaluing you for your shortcomings.

 

There's a seemingly-neverending parade of threads around here started and carried horribly past the point of all usefulness started by these people.

[FitChick]

If the OP finds the thought of physical contact with men repellant, perhaps she is gay. I've known several people of both sexes who forced themselves to date, even get engaged, and one day they just came to the realization that they were gay. They were much happier.

[lilyblue]

It's good to take a look at yourself when you see that the problem is not the guy you're out with.

 

What is your relationship history like? Do you tend to fall for people who are unavailable or inappropriate in some way (emotionally, physically, geographically, etc.)? Do you become less attracted if they are available? Do you open up easily, or do you tend to keep many of your thoughts about the relationship to yourself? How do you feel about having people in your space all the time? Do you feel smothered when you're in a relationship? Do you have trouble trusting people?

 

What I'm getting at is that you might have a fear of some kind that you need to work to overcome. Could be fear of intimacy, fear of commitment, fear of abandonment...any of those could sabotage your desire for a relationship by (subconsciously) affecting your reactions and feelings and making you think you aren't interested in someone whom you believe could become a long term relationship.

 

The other thing you might want to consider is how you feel about yourself these days. Maybe you aren't ready to change your life to let someone else in. Maybe you are afraid of changing your life to include a boyfriend, husband, 2.3 kids, dog, minivan in the suburbs...

 

Wow, a lot of good questions, thanks. I'm sure you don't really want all the answers to them, but good things to think about.

 

My relationship history is up and down. I've had one good, positive LTR (well, long for me, about 2.5 years). We just didn't work in the end though. Break up was mutual, we're still friends. I've dated several people short term who were fine but we broke up for one reason or another, nothing major. I had one "relationship" with a guy for about 2 years who didn't ever want to be in a relationship. We were dating, but he would never have called me his gf. We're still friends as well. And then my last bf was one of my very good friends for about 3 years, he pursued me for months, we dated for a month and a half and then he vanished 3.5 months ago without a word. A month later I found out the reason was he went back to his ex-wife. I was really attracted to him and the non-relationship guy, and they are by far not the most attractive men I have ever seen (nothing wrong with them, just wouldn't really catch your eye). Both of these guys turned out to be "inappropriate", but neither started out this way so I don't think it's a subconscious draw to something that's bad for me or unavailable. I don't feel smothered in a relationship and I probably trust too much (as evidenced by my last situation).

 

I think there's probably a psychological component, like you are suggesting, but I'm not quite sure what it is.

[lilyblue]

Were these feelings an established pattern prior to your last relationship?

 

From your posts on other threads, it seems that you're still going through the process of giving yourself closure. The behavior that your ex demonstrated at the end of your relationship may be playing a role in your current detachment. The fear of having your feelings disregarded in a similar manner, the emotional fallout from the loss of your previous friendship with him, the fear of abandonment that Norajane touched upon.

 

I think they were somewhat there, but not to this extent before my previous relationship. I definitely fell out of attraction with my bf before this last one, but I guess I did start out being attracted to him. But, same thing in the end, I hated even kissing him.

 

All the fears you touch on are totally true, I guess I just didn't think about them coming up from something as simple as kissing someone. In my head that's pretty benign contact.

[Anela]

If someone consistently has trouble finding a partner, they have three options

 

1) Lower their standards

2) Self improvement. Deserve what you want.

3) Continue blindly hoping for their luck to change

 

Men predominantly seem to choose option 2. Whether it's learning social skills, getting a better job, joining the gym, or whatever else.

 

Women predominantly seem to choose option 3, until they get desperate enough to try option 1. It's this tendency which attracts criticism.

 

I was number 2, doing my own thing, trying to work on any issues, and I wasn't bitter (but I would stand up for myself against men trying to cause trouble in my life). I know that a part of my problem in this area, is that I was agoraphobic during a chunk of "the best years of my life" and guys who know me tend to love me, but I wasn't meeting anyone. I've always been hesitant, due to experiences from my childhood, but also open to it happening. I'm just not attracted to that many men, although I do go against the stereotypes here, and like men who are good men. Kindness, and their attitude, trumps other things.

 

 

I am sort of in the category that EnigmaticClarity added, now. But that's since I've had my heart broken, had new negative experiences, and noticed how men my own age will overlook women our age, in favour of 22 - 30 year olds.

[iris219]

I find quite a few men physically attractive. If they fit my preferred physical criteria (tall, thin, white), I'll find many of them attractive. I can also find those who don't meet that criteria attractive, but it would be considerably less often.

 

HOWEVER, once I talk to these guys or go on dates with them I find, because of their personalities and/or our incompatibilities, that I am not attracted TO them. I am attracted to very few men, not because of how they look, but how they act or our lack of connection.

 

OP, did you already answer the question that asked whether you meant solely physical attraction?

[silvermercy]

Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. I'm a 32 year old female and sometimes I feel like I could go out with 50 men in a row and there'd be a 1% chance that I'd be attracted to even one of them. Does anyone else find this to be true?

 

It seems like friends have an easy time feeling attraction. It happens very seldom for me.

Story of my life!! I have tried and tried to feel attraction but nothing... In my country of origin my best friend and I think the same way (maybe that's why we're best friends. lol). We find men of our country both ugly and rude. We have both traveled abroad extensively compared to the other females so maybe that explains it. We have seen with our own eyes there are better pastures. lol

[fishtaco]

I guess the most recent experience that made me ask this question was that I went out on one date with a guy. We had a ton in common. He's not unattractive at all. I went out with him again last night and of course the thought of kissing him entered my mind - which repulsed me. I feel completely physically unattracted to him. We're going out again, but I really can't imagine kissing him, but I'm not sure why.

 

You're going on multiple dates with someone that physically repulses you?

 

Well, at least you're getting free meals out of it.

[carhill]

Anyone else not often attracted to people?

 

Immediate and overwhelming attraction? Rarely.

 

Attraction over time (not epic time but more than ten seconds) and interaction? Much more common.

 

It's a style. IMO, the key is knowing your style and seeking and selecting others who match up with it in a healthy way. Some LS'ers call this 'people-picking'.

 

I would highly suggest not to agree to clear dating situations where you find the man unattractive enough that you are repulsed by the thought of kissing him. You do both you and he a disservice IMO.