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I can't seem to relax around my boyfriend.


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Old 9th January 2012, 9:12 AM   #1
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I can't seem to relax around my boyfriend.

I've been with this guy for around 6 months and I am SO tense.

It's so bad that we can't sleep in the same bed together. We somehow wake each other up and then find it impossible to get back to sleep.

I don't know whether it's nervous excitement or if I'm terrified of losing him but it's a very unfortunate set up.

We're very honest with each other but if we have a misunderstanding he can be very hard to get through to because he can feel how tense I am and can be reluctant to enter into a serious conversation.

He asked me this morning to just relax around him but I find it hard. When we're chilling out I'm happy and calm but if he's ever even a tiny bit cold (just needing some space or something) I totally clam up.

Any suggestions? x
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Old 9th January 2012, 9:43 AM   #2
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He probably doesn't give you the security and communication you need to feel truly relaxed around someone. It's easy to force yourself emotionally or mentally through a situation hoping that things will get better but when there's a block there, there's a block, so you have to figure out what is really bothering you because deep down you know what it is you might either be afraid to admit it or like many women do...beat around the bush trying to find every other excuse except for the actual reason.

I don't think this is normal at all for six months, but then again that's my experience. I get the sense that maybe you're not really comfortable in this relationship, or with this person, maybe this person makes you feel pressured or rushed, maybe the whole relationship moved along too fast?
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Old 9th January 2012, 9:58 AM   #3
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Do you do anything fun together?

Do you have any common activities you like to do? That can help a lot b/c then you aren't just focused on making him happy, but also yourself.

Have fun, try not to be so serious.
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Old 9th January 2012, 5:46 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by True2form View Post
I'm terrified of losing him

He asked me this morning to just relax around him but I find it hard. When we're chilling out I'm happy and calm but if he's ever even a tiny bit cold (just needing some space or something) I totally clam up.

Any suggestions? x
Have you felt like this in other relationships?

So what is the worst thing that could happen? He breaks up with you? So what?

Biggest thing for you to do is take him off the pedestal you have put him on. He's just a guy. Human. If you two aren't right for each other, then you aren't right for each other and break up. Not a bid deal.

When you find yourself feeling tense, stop and consider why in that particular moment you feel tense. And if you need reassurance about something in that moment, address it with him.

Otherwise, if you're always tense generally, I'm guessing you have a fear of intimacy and getting emotionally closer with him makes you nervous because you are afraid of opening up to him, thus you can't just relax and be yourself.
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Old 10th January 2012, 6:12 AM   #5
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Have you felt like this in other relationships?

So what is the worst thing that could happen? He breaks up with you? So what?

Biggest thing for you to do is take him off the pedestal you have put him on. He's just a guy. Human. If you two aren't right for each other, then you aren't right for each other and break up. Not a bid deal.

When you find yourself feeling tense, stop and consider why in that particular moment you feel tense. And if you need reassurance about something in that moment, address it with him.

Otherwise, if you're always tense generally, I'm guessing you have a fear of intimacy and getting emotionally closer with him makes you nervous because you are afraid of opening up to him, thus you can't just relax and be yourself.
I think I have felt this before with a boyfriend three or four years ago. He'd already broken up with me once, so second time around I was very scared and on edge that he'd do it again, however, I was very sick and had to deal with a long and slow process of ridding myself of whatever weird illness it was. So, whenever I felt down or anxious, I could easily transfer my fear by going "Well I'm ill, of course I'm tense and feel like the world is on my shoulders." Later in the relationship this particular ex became abusive mentally. Very manipulative...etc...

I think part of my fear is now slowly trickling over from "Oh god I'm so worried he's going to leave me..." (Because it's been six months and a half and we're both still here) and is turning into "Oh god, what if he gets mean and abusive and I have to end another relationship?"

It's horrible. The stronger side of me knows that if it did end I'd be fine, but when I'm stuck in the cliffhanger moment I'm petrified. Unfortunately, all my past relationships have ended (Obviously...or I wouldn't be in this one) and it's very hard to not thing X+Y=Z when that's happened every time before.

He has a mean streak but who doesn't... I think I'm so scared of him being this horrible person that if he does snap or say something sarcastic or gets cold and wants his space, my brain goes into protective mode and makes him seem really mean and tells me to run. I'm driving myself a bit nuts
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Old 10th January 2012, 6:56 AM   #6
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What do you mean by mean streak ?
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Old 10th January 2012, 8:37 PM   #7
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What do you mean by mean streak ?
Like when he gets grumpy he snaps easily and can be tactless with his words. If he needs his own space he can be unnecessarily cold as he suddenly feels he needs to set boundaries...

I don't know about you guys but I consider this quite common human behaviour... and that's from someone who lived in an all girls' boarding school for seven years a while back.

It always sucks to see that kind of behaviour from your partner but... it's human. All I can say really.
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Old 10th January 2012, 10:56 PM   #8
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How are both men like your father? How old were you when you were sent away to boarding school and why?
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