Jump to content

I still haven't got over someone i never even dated! wth? :(


razz90

Recommended Posts

i feel weird about posting this. Because it is admitting that i am still affected by something that happened months ago, which is so stupid. But for some reason i still sometimes feel **** about what happened.

Here's what happened:

 

i met a guy I really liked. We talked for ages, had a great time. I felt such a strong connection, stronger than any connection i've ever felt with a human being. He then wanted to meet up a week later and we met up and had a great time, and he kissed me. Later on he asked if I wanted to go back to his. I immediately got a horrible feeling in my gut so i said i wasnt sure, so i asked what we wee gonna do, and he said just hang out, and i asked if he was a sex on the first date kind of guy and he said no, and I believed him, so I went back. We watched youtube, and started makin out, bt his hand kept going 'down there' and i kept stopping him. In the end we just went to sleep in his bed, and i told him i didnt want to sleep with him because I liked him and didnt want to move so fast and he said i was a 'special girl' and we had alot in common, but he just really wanted me. Well obvs i wanted him too and after that all i could think about was him and being intimate with him. I wondered if by withholding sex i was just playing stupid games, and if it was sensible to keep stopping him just because i was too afraid to take a risk.. So we continued to text after that night and he was like 'we should see a comedy show soon' and called me stuff like 'honey' etc. So i guess i got really comfortable. Plus i was so infatuated with him, I just wanted him so bad..

So the next time we hung out, again we went to watch youtube at his place, only this time i didnt stop him. I didn't have a horrible gut feeling that it would be wrong this time. And we went all the way. Now u have to understand i find it difficult to sleep with anyone, i have to like their personality and be attracted to them, and not alot of guys fit that bill. He was only my 2nd. (in fact 2nd time i'd had sex EVER). I didn't think about it much, but come to think of it he was much less intimate the night we had sex. He didn;t kiss me so passionately or look into my eyes as much as the previous time we were together. And after we were making out he was literally pushing me down cuz he wanted a blowjob (but i didnt give him one because i wasnt comfortable doing it without a condom). Well after i left the next morning, he texted me asking how i was etc, but when i texted back he started taking longer to repond. I got tickets to a comedy show which i told him about and he said he was interested but then didn't reply when I told him when it was. I finally had to text and ask if he was free the night before the show(he wasnt). That night he called (missed it) and texted to see if i wanted to meet up that night. (booty call?) I couldn't so I said no, and asked him a question which he didnt reply to. I called him a few days later, no reply. (though he texted me the next day to apologize for missing my call and asked how i was). The next day i started talking to him on facebook (just a short chat)..and that was my last contact with him.

Anyway, at first i felt i was in contact too much and that pushed him away. Then i was told it was because i slept with him so soon..

 

I got over it, but suddenly i keep thinking about him, and going thru in my mind what could've/would've/should've happened. I have the same feelings I had last year when I broke up with a guy I was seeing (feelings of heartbreak) which is so weird because we never even went out.

 

I don't know what i'm asking, I just feel better writing this all out. I guess I want your thoughts/perspective. Any help on getting over this? I guess part of it is i feel kinda lonely and i miss the feeling i had when i met him...i almost feel like i won't meet someone who will make me feel like that again.. :/

Link to post
Share on other sites
I got over it, but suddenly i keep thinking about him, and going thru in my mind what could've/would've/should've happened. I have the same feelings I had last year when I broke up with a guy I was seeing (feelings of heartbreak) which is so weird because we never even went out.

 

I don't know what i'm asking, I just feel better writing this all out. I guess I want your thoughts/perspective. Any help on getting over this? I guess part of it is i feel kinda lonely and i miss the feeling i had when i met him...i almost feel like i won't meet someone who will make me feel like that again.. :/

Some of it might have to do with it now being Christmas (or what ever you celebrate if anything). I saw someone posting about stay strong during Christmas, dont relapse or "settle" for someone because it is Christmas.

 

I am/was going through the same thing last night. I ended up typing a lot of it out in Word, but never had any intentions to post as it came to be 2 pages single spaced. It just felt good to get it out.

 

But yeah, I have been feeling this longing for an ex from a long time ago, one whom I dont even talk with anymore. I know deep down in my heart of hearts, I made the right decision breaking up with her and that we were two people going in two different directions, but I guess with it being the holidays, it is nice to not be alone. (this is my first Christmas since 2003 where I have been alone; either seeing someone or at least talking with someone every year between then)

 

I feel a lot better today, especially after typing it all out; so I put my guess on the fact that it is now the holidays. Good luck and stay strong!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I hate to be blunt bu this guy was just looking to get it sticky and you obliged him. I wish I had some kind of magical advice to give you on how to get over it all but I really don't. Once you realize that he used and abused you, you will get over it but I can' give you the magic words that will make that happen for you.

 

I have a tough time getting over people too so I feel your pain. Like you, I don't really get that butterfly feeling with guys too often and when I do it's really hard to let go of. My best advice for you right now is to get out there. Start meeting other guys, maybe one of them can give you that feeling again. But for god's sake keep your pants on this time!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

oh i also forgot to mention that I asked him what he wanted and that i'd like him to be honest with me and he said "i don't know what i want, i'm new here (new to my city)" .

 

Arrgh, it's so damn hard.

 

And as for next time, how do i know how long to wait to take my pants off?! I just felt that i wanted this guy in my life I couldn;t decide what exactly i wanted the relationship to be...friends/lovers/FWB? I just wanted HIM. So i went with the flow. And got burned.

I'm also just afraid when/if I meet a guy i like again, I wont have any idea what to do because I just feel like whatever happens is based on how I act/what I do and that scares the **** out of me because one wrong step and it's over...

Link to post
Share on other sites

When someone says "I dont know what I want" it means they only want to have fun and keep their options open.

 

I say learn from this.

 

And theres no time table on when to have sex imo. If it feels right, it feels right. I dont think he should of pushed anything sexual after you made your boundaries clear the first time. At least thats my rule with girls. I let them take the lead if I am rebuffed.

 

If you couldnt even decide what you wanted from him yourself, then at least know that from now on before getting physical. Know what you want from a person before letting things get past that point.

Edited by kaylan
Link to post
Share on other sites
oh i also forgot to mention that I asked him what he wanted and that i'd like him to be honest with me and he said "i don't know what i want, i'm new here (new to my city)" .

 

Arrgh, it's so damn hard.

 

And as for next time, how do i know how long to wait to take my pants off?! I just felt that i wanted this guy in my life I couldn;t decide what exactly i wanted the relationship to be...friends/lovers/FWB? I just wanted HIM. So i went with the flow. And got burned.

I'm also just afraid when/if I meet a guy i like again, I wont have any idea what to do because I just feel like whatever happens is based on how I act/what I do and that scares the **** out of me because one wrong step and it's over...

 

You sound pretty young. I assure you, you will figure all this out someday. It's part of the growing up and maturing in the dating process.

 

As for how long you should keep your pants on... that's tough to answer. You can never really be sure what the other person's motives are. I once had a guy friend tell me very bluntly "A guy will come for the p*ssy but he won't stay for it." That kind of helped me figure it out. If I want him to stay, it's safe to sleep with him when I feel that there is enough between us that he will stay for something else. I have a 3 date rule (at least 3 dates. sometimes it takes longer). And they have to be actual dates. Like out in public doing something fun together. Chilling on his couch watching movies or youtube doesn't count. By then there's a good gauge on if it could go somewhere, if we have similar interests, if we are at least basically compatible and if we are actually interested in each other.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear this. You've simply fallen for someone who you can't have in the way you want. A case of wanting what you can't have in some ways; I mean, you meet someone, you get close to them, you start to think about how good things could be as it all seems so perfect - then it ends! They've gone and you're left just feeling lost and empty. Sadly, the feelings you have don't go away and instead they build up as you're left with so many questions that can't be answered. I know exactly what that's like.

 

Don't worry about the fact you didn't actually date - there's no rules on having feelings for someone, and remember that emotions and feelings of love often come from the times we're apart from someone, not when we're with them. So he's gone, and all the while you're feelings have just been increasing rather than fading away.

 

There is no quick fix other than treating this like any other relationship, and that is to go no contact and concentrate on keeping yourself busy, as it's the quiet times when you'll think about him. Don't beat yourself up because all this has happened. We often fall for "the wrong ones" as our hearts rules our heads when it comes to love.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Not sure how to help you get over it but I do have some advice.

 

It helps me to think of things like that not as something that happened TO me but as something that happened FOR me. For me to learn and take those lessons and bring them into the next situation.

 

In the future, even if you think you can be strong and even if the guy promises he's not after sex, DO NOT go back to his place or your place that early on. Just simply don't put yourself in that position, period. Meet in public, have him take you on a date, etc., etc. Just know that if you end up at your place or his place before you are ready to have sex that it might happen or get close to happening, then you're left with these feelings that you don't know how to resolve.

 

Best of luck

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

thanks all...

i dunno why but i just burst out crying. I don;t get it. He pretty much used me for sex, but i wish he was in my life. This is so irrational.

 

I was so confused before, my feelings were all over the place. All i could think about was him. Letting him take lead, and "going with the flow" was all i could do without going crazy. I tend to waaayy overthink and overanalyze ****, so i thought "u knw what, this time I'm gonna forget all that and go with the flow". And i didn't even realise what stupid decisions i was making. Argh, this whole dating/relationship/falling in love thing is fustrating..

Link to post
Share on other sites
Anyway, at first i felt i was in contact too much and that pushed him away. Then i was told it was because i slept with him so soon..

None of that matters...The truth is, he wasn't interested in anything long-term from the start, so no point in wondering what would've/could've happened. A guy is not going to stop liking you because you sleep with him too soon or because you initiate most of the contact (unless it gets to a point where you are literally pestering him, which it doesn't sound like you were).

Link to post
Share on other sites
When someone says "I dont know what I want" it means they only want to have fun and keep their options open.

That's something smart for a change.

 

I had someone tell this to me before and while I was really, really in love with him, my instinct told me that he was giving me an excuse. It's best to stay away from I-don't-know-what-I-want-people. They may not know what they want, but they know exactly that they don't want to commit to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Plum

 

Instead of taking a dig at me, make your quoted response without the childish and unnecessary prefacing statement. Otherwise you will be treated as an immature youngling whenever I see your posts in future threads.

 

Thanks

Link to post
Share on other sites
thanks all...

i dunno why but i just burst out crying. I don;t get it. He pretty much used me for sex, but i wish he was in my life. This is so irrational.

 

I was so confused before, my feelings were all over the place. All i could think about was him. Letting him take lead, and "going with the flow" was all i could do without going crazy. I tend to waaayy overthink and overanalyze ****, so i thought "u knw what, this time I'm gonna forget all that and go with the flow". And i didn't even realise what stupid decisions i was making. Argh, this whole dating/relationship/falling in love thing is fustrating..

Live and learn hun. Youll be just fine. Youll know what to look out for in the future.

 

I went through the same thing last month. I felt like I got used for sex by someone I really liked...and it hurts us guys just as much to have that happen.

 

I wasnt sure what I wanted from the girl at first, just like you were unsure. But by the time I figured out what I wanted, things had already happened. I got upset just like you have, and over-analyzed everything. But day by day, I got better. I knew I could do better.

 

Youre gonna find a nice boy to treat you right home girl.

 

Keep your head up. Stuff upper lip.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Plum

 

Instead of taking a dig at me, make your quoted response without the childish and unnecessary prefacing statement. Otherwise you will be treated as an immature youngling whenever I see your posts in future threads.

 

Thanks

Your threat is amusing at best, but next time, I will take your sensitivities into consideration.

 

:lmao:

 

Ok, I had a good laugh. No need to derail this thread any longer.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

thanks for the responses so far, even though im still going back and forth between feeling awesome and happy to hurting, it definetly helps to get other people's perspective and your support. Yes i'm young and often naive and don't see **** as it really is, so thanks for helping me learn..

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...