tassle01 Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 My boyfriend and I have had a significant amount of problems in the past few months and they all boil down to trust and honesty. I've always had access to his online phone records and this is where things went downhill. I began noticing a pattern of phone calls and messaging with women who I assumed were more than just friends to him. I've never had a jealous bone in my body but this really took me overboard. I became obsessed with checking his phone records, how many messages he received daily, how many minutes he was on the phone, it really became a sick obsession and I almost lost sight of who I am as a woman and human being. I began to re-evaluate my relationship and realized that my jealousy was digging my relationship a gigantic grave. Despite my boyfriends attempts to reassure me that these women were just his friends and urging me to trust him, I just became worse and worse. Before I knew it, I was treating him not like my significant other, but like my son. I began to ask him how much money he spent when he went out, who was there, how long he was there for, why he was going, it just became ridiculous. I finally asked my bf to change the access code to his phone records because I was going mad and began to realize that there is no relationship without trust and I definitely had no trust at all. I no longer have access to his records and although I feel irritated that I can't keep track of who he is speaking to and when, I do feel relieved. That constant need to know where he is, who he is speaking to is just so wrong in every way and if he did it to me I'd probably feel like a bird trapped in my cage. I trust my boyfriend to be faithful but I am weary of his "friendships" with other women. Perhaps it's my own insecurity, but I know if I don't get my act together right away, my relationship will be doomed. How do you regain trust after it's been broken? What is the path to healing and rebuilding a relationship that's in shambles solely because of jealousy, insecurity and lack of trust? I appreciate anyones input, I really am at my witt's end. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 It's normal to meet all these friends and it sounds like you never did/have. We do BBQ's and swim parties for and with our circles of friends. There are no mysteries when flesh is pressed and people get to know each other. If your BF has another life you aren't allowed to participate in, erase him. Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 My boyfriend and I have had a significant amount of problems in the past few months and they all boil down to trust and honesty. Is/was there an "honesty" issue, or is it really all about trust? Unless you're leaving something out all we know is that he has some friends who are female and you don't like that. Do you think he's behaving inappropriately with them and being dishonest with you about his relationship to these female friends? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tassle01 Posted December 20, 2011 Author Share Posted December 20, 2011 To a certain extent I do think he was trying to hide the friendships. Perhaps because he knew the more I knew about them the more I would harass him about it. Also, the more I harassed him and the more I questioned his whereabouts, etc the more he would speak to these women. It almost became an outlet for him to escape the drama he had with me, but, he never left me because of it. I don't know how I became the person I became with him because I've never been this way in my life. Even my friends have commented how much I have changed in my approach to men and my relationship as compared to my past relationships. I can't seem to get myself to snap into wholeheartedly trusting him. The reason for this is because there have been times where my behavior just really became ridiculous and he would tell me that he can't do it anymore, we'd split for a few days and I would end up finding out that he went out for a drink or out with a group of friends and one of those "friend" women happened to be there. Whenever that happened, it would just drive me bananas and I would end up questioning him even more. I believe in him and in our love and relationship, I really do, in my heart and in my mind I just don't know how to reflect it in my actions. I almost feel as though in order to show it through my actions I would have to bottle up a lot of my feelings and emotions and then I might be a ticking bomb waiting to explode. Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 What does your gut say? Because just from what I've read, I agree with the poster that says that your BF seems to have a part of his life that you aren't welcomed. If that is the case, that is the cause for your mistrust and a good reason to kick him to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
ditzchic Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 To a certain extent I do think he was trying to hide the friendships. Perhaps because he knew the more I knew about them the more I would harass him about it. Also, the more I harassed him and the more I questioned his whereabouts, etc the more he would speak to these women. It almost became an outlet for him to escape the drama he had with me, but, he never left me because of it. I don't know how I became the person I became with him because I've never been this way in my life. Even my friends have commented how much I have changed in my approach to men and my relationship as compared to my past relationships. I can't seem to get myself to snap into wholeheartedly trusting him. The reason for this is because there have been times where my behavior just really became ridiculous and he would tell me that he can't do it anymore, we'd split for a few days and I would end up finding out that he went out for a drink or out with a group of friends and one of those "friend" women happened to be there. Whenever that happened, it would just drive me bananas and I would end up questioning him even more. I believe in him and in our love and relationship, I really do, in my heart and in my mind I just don't know how to reflect it in my actions. I almost feel as though in order to show it through my actions I would have to bottle up a lot of my feelings and emotions and then I might be a ticking bomb waiting to explode. Have you considered that maybe your gut is trying to tell you something? I was in a relationship like that once. I liked him soooooooo much but for some reason I could never come to fully trust him. I did catch him in a few lies (1 big one) but they were mostly little white lies, no big deal breakers or anything. I didn't want to act to hastily on it and dump him because I really did have feelings for him but something just wasn't right. And I was never like that with any other guys I've dated before and haven't been with any guys I've dated after. I really feel it was my gut trying to tell me that it wasn't right. I probably should have listened sooner and would have saved myself a whole bunch of heartache in the end. I went through the whole 'bottle everything up and hope it gets better' phase too. That is the total wrong direction to go. It feeds your insecurities more and will make you go crazy. Especially if you are a bad actor, like myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tassle01 Posted December 20, 2011 Author Share Posted December 20, 2011 There are so many little things that have justified the behavior in my head but I still know it's wrong. Each time we face a bump in the road he tends to reach out to 5 other women and that's always irritated me. There are lots of other things along those lines but they all stem from jealousy. Yes, he can be friends with whomever he would like. He also keeps in touch with ex's who I know would like to get back together with him, and in general other women who he reaches out to when we break up for a day or two and they probably don't even know about me. I know my actions are over the top controlling, nothing I can say or do will justify them to any degree. I just have no idea where to start re-building myself and my trust and my confidence. I feel so beaten down and as much as I want to get back up and change the direction of my relationship, I'm just not sure where to begin. In terms of my gut, my gut tells me he is a good man and he is honest and will be faithful towards me. I think I'm hung up on the fact that I can't go snooping through his phone records anymore and it's driving me crazy not being able to see who he is speaking to. It's my own insecurity that inflicts this stuff onto my life. I know if I wasn't insecure, if I wasn't always harassing him I wouldn't have these issues and he wouldn't resort to speaking to anyone else but me. Link to post Share on other sites
ditzchic Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 There are so many little things that have justified the behavior in my head but I still know it's wrong. Each time we face a bump in the road he tends to reach out to 5 other women and that's always irritated me. There are lots of other things along those lines but they all stem from jealousy. Yes, he can be friends with whomever he would like. He also keeps in touch with ex's who I know would like to get back together with him, and in general other women who he reaches out to when we break up for a day or two and they probably don't even know about me. I know my actions are over the top controlling, nothing I can say or do will justify them to any degree. I just have no idea where to start re-building myself and my trust and my confidence. I feel so beaten down and as much as I want to get back up and change the direction of my relationship, I'm just not sure where to begin. Oh hunny. Being upset with him keeping contact with exes who still want him back and running to other women everytime you have a dissagreement isn't you being crazy or controlling. It's you being completely normal. That is unacceptable. Especially when he kows you're struggling with this. You're not pushing him away. He's willingly going away. You can't rebuild your trust and confidence yourself. He has to help you. Clearly he isn't willing to. Your relationship is worth less to him than his exes and female friends right now. Of course you are insecure. I don't know many girls who wouldn't be in that situation. I know if I wasn't insecure, if I wasn't always harassing him I wouldn't have these issues and he wouldn't resort to speaking to anyone else but me. If I wasn't... if he didn't... it doesn't matter. You are. It's a coulda shoulda woulda situation. It doesn't matter. It is what it is. Like I said above, this problem won't go away by sheer force of will. It has to be discussed and worked on. And you both have to put in the work. If one party isn't willing it won't happen. Talk to him. Make it known how you feel and that the relationship needs work. Be mature about it. Don't flip and make it an argument. Just talk. See if you are both willing to go forward in a positive direction from there. If one or the both of you aren't, please leave. You're going to end up picking the pieces of your heart up off the floor by yourself one way or another but the sooner it is the less pieces there are to pick up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tassle01 Posted December 21, 2011 Author Share Posted December 21, 2011 Discussing this all the time is like beating down a dead horse. He says to me that I must trust him in order for the relationship to work and my paranoia regarding his speaking to other women is irrational because these women are just friends and nothing more. He says he loves me and would never cheat on me but I have been making him feel suffocated and controlled as if I was a mother disciplining a child. Do you think the solution to my pestering him is to not react to his actions for a while? Maybe it will ruffle his feathers, since he is so used to my controlling and overbearing reactions. Perhaps it will aide in him changing his ways?? Link to post Share on other sites
ditzchic Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 Discussing this all the time is like beating down a dead horse. He says to me that I must trust him in order for the relationship to work and my paranoia regarding his speaking to other women is irrational because these women are just friends and nothing more. He says he loves me and would never cheat on me but I have been making him feel suffocated and controlled as if I was a mother disciplining a child. Do you think the solution to my pestering him is to not react to his actions for a while? Maybe it will ruffle his feathers, since he is so used to my controlling and overbearing reactions. Perhaps it will aide in him changing his ways?? I'm sorry to be brutal and blunt here but if this isn't going to be worked out together the only solution is to dump him and move on. Ignoring insecurities away never works. It will make you more paranoid. Maybe you won't yell at him as much but you will react and it will probably be by shutting down on him or being passive aggressive to him. You're already past the point where you can just put it out of your head and act like it's no big deal. If you could do that, I'm sure you would have already. And it's very unlikely he will change his ways. He's already shown what's important to him. If he does it when he knows there's consequences do you honestly think he'll do it less when there are none? Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 There are so many little things that have justified the behavior in my head but I still know it's wrong. Each time we face a bump in the road he tends to reach out to 5 other women and that's always irritated me. There are lots of other things along those lines but they all stem from jealousy. Yes, he can be friends with whomever he would like. He also keeps in touch with ex's who I know would like to get back together with him, and in general other women who he reaches out to when we break up for a day or two and they probably don't even know about me. I know my actions are over the top controlling, nothing I can say or do will justify them to any degree. I just have no idea where to start re-building myself and my trust and my confidence. I feel so beaten down and as much as I want to get back up and change the direction of my relationship, I'm just not sure where to begin. In terms of my gut, my gut tells me he is a good man and he is honest and will be faithful towards me. I think I'm hung up on the fact that I can't go snooping through his phone records anymore and it's driving me crazy not being able to see who he is speaking to. It's my own insecurity that inflicts this stuff onto my life. I know if I wasn't insecure, if I wasn't always harassing him I wouldn't have these issues and he wouldn't resort to speaking to anyone else but me. The relationship with my ex was exactly like this...and it turned out that he was screwing around with several of these women during our three years together, with a grand finale of marrying one of them 2 months after he dumped me. You did not become insecure without something making you that way. Do not ignore the red flags. If you do, you will regret it down the line when your heart is broken. And also, a man that loves you, will not do things to antagonize you. And they will not put you in a position that you have to play CSI in order to find out what he is doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tassle01 Posted December 21, 2011 Author Share Posted December 21, 2011 I can't let go of the relationship because I have no hard proof that he is doing something behind my back. If I walk away and it turns out that he really was honest and faithful towards me, I will regret it for the rest of my life!! Link to post Share on other sites
ditzchic Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 I can't let go of the relationship because I have no hard proof that he is doing something behind my back. If I walk away and it turns out that he really was honest and faithful towards me, I will regret it for the rest of my life!! I'm not telling you to leave the relationship because of the other girls in the picture. I'm telling you to leave the relationship because you are insecure in it. Like I said earlier, I was in a relationship like that once. I was devastated when he ended it. But after I got over the heartbreak I realized that I wasn't happy when I was with him. I was an insecure crazy girl. I'm so much happier now not in it (even though I loved him and still in love with him in fact) because I can be myself again. I know that I will find someone with all the qualities he had that made me gaga without all the crazy insecurities. You owe it to yourself to be happy. Are you happy right now? Really? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tassle01 Posted December 21, 2011 Author Share Posted December 21, 2011 Right now I am not happy. I was happy for over a year in the relationship and that makes me feel like that good outweighs the bad of the past few months and since I was so happy previously, it makes me feel like somehow, we can regain that happiness and go back to the time where there was no insecurity burning a fire within me. Link to post Share on other sites
ditzchic Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 Right now I am not happy. I was happy for over a year in the relationship and that makes me feel like that good outweighs the bad of the past few months and since I was so happy previously, it makes me feel like somehow, we can regain that happiness and go back to the time where there was no insecurity burning a fire within me. All I'm hearing from this is "My relationship had an expiration date of 1 year and I'm trying to squeeze the last drops out of it before it gets moldy." Insecurity doesn't just *poof* go away. It's a process. Listen, I'm not gonna harp on this anymore. It's clear you made your decision. Good luck with everything. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 I find it odd that you have been together for over a year and haven't met these female friends. You need to have a big party and get them all invited, along with some single men they might hook up with. By seeing them in person and watching how they interact with your boyfriend and how he interacts with them, you will find out the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 This is just not right. I would be insecure and crazy as hell in a relationship like this. My boyfriend has a couple of female friends that he speaks to occasionally, but they never hang out one-on-one. I am always invited and go with him and it's usually in a big group. Both of them now automatically text me when organizing something. I can see that his interactions with them are completely innocent. I have also asked him why he never dated either of those girls before he met me and his reasons were plausible and rock solid. I feel no threat from them. There were a few girls that I was jealous of in course of our relationship. He eliminated them all from his life by deleting them off Facebook and not speaking with them anymore. One was his ex. I didn't ask him to do this but he saw how much stress his contact with them was causing me and he just wanted to make me feel better. Anyway, something IS fishy here. It's not just your fault. In a serious relationship, he should not have a separate group of secret female friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tassle01 Posted December 21, 2011 Author Share Posted December 21, 2011 Him and I spoke yesterday and he said to me that he never spoke to any other women in the course of our relationship (I think I wrote before that this is relatively new behavior). He said that my controlling attitude and jealousy made him so unhappy and so strangled that he resorted to having other friendships that provided him with a drama free outlet to just speak to people without not having to always worry about arguments and questioning when him and I spoke. I understand his POV as well. Link to post Share on other sites
cdm369 Posted December 22, 2011 Share Posted December 22, 2011 Him and I spoke yesterday and he said to me that he never spoke to any other women in the course of our relationship (I think I wrote before that this is relatively new behavior). He said that my controlling attitude and jealousy made him so unhappy and so strangled that he resorted to having other friendships that provided him with a drama free outlet to just speak to people without not having to always worry about arguments and questioning when him and I spoke. I understand his POV as well. As was stated earlier....something caused your insecurities. They don't just show up. Also,my opinion he has no business using an opposite sex friend as an outlet or to talk to about problems. That is how you build relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tassle01 Posted December 22, 2011 Author Share Posted December 22, 2011 Right, but when people get fed up they usually resort to defense mechanisms, and I presume this was his. Not that I am condoning his actions in anyway. All i can do at this point is work on myself and hope for the best outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Onlyjonley Posted December 24, 2011 Share Posted December 24, 2011 Whoa whoa .. now you seem as if you're taking the blame for this. If he had respect for you, he wouldn't be continuing this behavior nor would he have started it to begin with. I guarentee you more is going on. Link to post Share on other sites
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