Feeling Insecure/Jealous

[lululucy]

My boyfriend and I have been sleeping together since August and dating officially since end of September. As I posted in another thread a few days ago, we haven't yet said "I love you" (even though I'm going crazy not saying it!) but we talk every day and see each other two to four times a week and have since we met at the end of July.

 

My problem -- I feel incredibly insecure and jealous about 30-40% of the time.

 

This really is unrelated to my boyfriend at all, I know it's my own insecurity. My last ex cheated on me with at least four girls that I know of and he constantly told me that every guy in the world cheats, it's a guy thing, blah blah blah. I'm finally done (emotionally) with that guy and I don't want to transfer those feelings of insecurity into my new relationship but I just don't know how.

 

An example of one of the things that bothers me would be the fact that he has a lot of female friends (he does airport security and works with 250+ people). This is ridiculous, I have a lot of male friends too. When we're hanging out and he gets a texts from Mandy or Michelle I get upset but it isn't as if he's hiding the text or saying anything inappropriate. These girls have boyfriends. I am totally convinced, rationally, that there is nothing to worry about.

 

So how do I get around my residual crap from my ex and let myself be happy?

-

[lululucy]

I hate bumping but this was on the second page ~

[CocoaBrown]

My boyfriend and I have been sleeping together since August and dating officially since end of September. As I posted in another thread a few days ago, we haven't yet said "I love you" (even though I'm going crazy not saying it!) but we talk every day and see each other two to four times a week and have since we met at the end of July.

 

My problem -- I feel incredibly insecure and jealous about 30-40% of the time.

 

This really is unrelated to my boyfriend at all, I know it's my own insecurity. My last ex cheated on me with at least four girls that I know of and he constantly told me that every guy in the world cheats, it's a guy thing, blah blah blah. I'm finally done (emotionally) with that guy and I don't want to transfer those feelings of insecurity into my new relationship but I just don't know how.

 

An example of one of the things that bothers me would be the fact that he has a lot of female friends (he does airport security and works with 250+ people). This is ridiculous, I have a lot of male friends too. When we're hanging out and he gets a texts from Mandy or Michelle I get upset but it isn't as if he's hiding the text or saying anything inappropriate. These girls have boyfriends. I am totally convinced, rationally, that there is nothing to worry about.

 

So how do I get around my residual crap from my ex and let myself be happy?

-

 

Ugh! Trust is SUCH a hard thing for me too. My ex cheated on me and it took a very long time to move on from it. Part of trusting people comes with trusting yourself. Strange but true. I have had to learn to trust my instincts again. If your heart is telling you nothing is going on with Mandy and Michelle then you have to trust yourself enough to let it go. But if there is truly a red flag then don't ignore it. Does your boyfriend know about your past?

[lululucy]

Ugh! Trust is SUCH a hard thing for me too. My ex cheated on me and it took a very long time to move on from it. Part of trusting people comes with trusting yourself. Strange but true. I have had to learn to trust my instincts again. If your heart is telling you nothing is going on with Mandy and Michelle then you have to trust yourself enough to let it go. But if there is truly a red flag then don't ignore it. Does your boyfriend know about your past?

 

 

Isn't it hard? How long-ish did it take before you started to feel like you could trust yourself again?

 

He does know, we had a long talk about our exes. I told him about feeling like my whole relationship had been a lie and not feeling worthy of anything and he did not say much, just hugged me and kissed my forehead (we were in bed). On a different occassion, I told him I'd rather he dumped me over a text if he felt like sleeping with someone else than cheat on me -- we were sort of joking around but I was definitely serious about that and I believe he knew.

[Nexus One]

So how do I get around my residual crap from my ex and let myself be happy?

-

 

By realizing that your current boyfriend isn't your ex. It's unfair to project the faults of your ex onto your current boyfriend if there's no reason for it.

 

And I can tell you that your ex was full of sh*t when he said that every guy in the world cheats. He's simply a low quality guy that justifies his shortcomings by saying that "everyone else does it" and in that way tries to shift responsibility away from himself.

Edited December 20, 2011 by Nexus One

[jobaba]

This really is unrelated to my boyfriend at all, I know it's my own insecurity. My last ex cheated on me with at least four girls that I know of and he constantly told me that every guy in the world cheats, it's a guy thing, blah blah blah. I'm finally done (emotionally) with that guy and I don't want to transfer those feelings of insecurity into my new relationship but I just don't know how.

 

Well. Obviously you know that's not true since there's men here who can't even get one woman let alone get four behind their girlfriend's back.

 

Honestly, if you're dating good looking, desirable men, it's always going to be tough. I mean, with an average man, he probably won't get hit on that much and not get many opportunities to cheat unless he's actively seeking it. With a hot guy, he's going to get hit on.

 

There are definitely some hot guys who are nice guys and faithful, but I wouldn't say it's the majority. I just had this discussion with several of my male co-workers several months ago, and it wasn't pretty.

 

You just have to trust you chose well, that's all...

[lululucy]

By realizing that your current boyfriend isn't your ex. It's unfair to project the faults of your ex onto your current boyfriend if there's no reason for it.

 

And I can tell you that your ex was full of sh*t when he said that every guy in the world cheats. He's simply a low quality guy that justifies his shortcomings by saying that "everyone else does it" and in that way tries to shift responsibility away from himself.

 

That's exactly what my friends keep telling me -- to remember that he isn't my ex. I wish I didn't do this to myself! At least I can say that he doesn't know I am projecting these feelings onto him, I'm good at hiding it.

 

And thank you especially for that second paragraph. I don't want to turn into one of those women who hates on every man, it's just so hard to separate what I've experienced from what I logically know to be true. The low-quality thing specifically I need to remember -- it's so much easier for me to say that it was my short-comings that led him to cheat but it is really just on him.

 

 

Well. Obviously you know that's not true since there's men here who can't even get one woman let alone get four behind their girlfriend's back.

 

Do you think that any male would cheat if presented the opportunity?

 

Honestly, if you're dating good looking, desirable men, it's always going to be tough. I mean, with an average man, he probably won't get hit on that much and not get many opportunities to cheat unless he's actively seeking it. With a hot guy, he's going to get hit on.

 

There are definitely some hot guys who are nice guys and faithful, but I wouldn't say it's the majority. I just had this discussion with several of my male co-workers several months ago, and it wasn't pretty.

 

You just have to trust you chose well, that's all...

 

It's totally true, I can't be mad at him for being hit on. A girl would be crazy not to want to sleep with him. From what I understand of his previous relationships (which have been few), he's gotten bored of girls and dropped them quickly, but never cheated. I am hoping I chose well.