How to forgive myself so I can truly move on?

[Desensitized]

Hey Loveshack,

I can't seem to forgive myself for the way I treated my ex-fiancee. I realized that the only thing holding me back is not what I have previously have thought, it is not being able to forgive myself for how I treated my ex towards the end of our relationship. I just remember how she treated me; I am really struggling to remember the bad stuff she did to me, so it's really hard to forgive myself... I apologized and sent her an e-mail wishing her well with her new boyfriend and how I truly am sorry for treating her like crap and saying all the nasty things I said to her, but she hates me.

 

No response from her at all and I'm 100% positive she's moved on, which is fine, but I am struggling hard to forgive myself. I'm not that person I was towards the end of our relationship, and I wish she knew that, but she doesn't even want to be my friend. So how can I go about forgiving myself? I've been seeing a counselor and have been working on my problems, but it's just tough. I've said all I needed to say to her via messages, but like I said no response. So she's probably read my apologies, but doesn't care.

 

So since she's not going to respond, I'm done trying. I know there's no "best" way to move on, but I need tips, anything. I'm tired of living with the guilt of the past. For f*ck's sake, it's not like she was perfect either, but she's moved on and thinks that she was an angel and did nothing wrong, which is bull. At least I apologized for my wrong doing, she hasn't, nor will she ever. So dumb... why do I even want to be friends with someone that won't even acknowledge what I have to say or even admit that it wasn't all my fault.

 

I can't move on when I keep beating myself up over the past. Had some opportunities to date, but I always tell myself I can't. Help?

[jobaba]

Hey Loveshack,

I can't seem to forgive myself for the way I treated my ex-fiancee. I realized that the only thing holding me back is not what I have previously have thought, it is not being able to forgive myself for how I treated my ex towards the end of our relationship. I just remember how she treated me; I am really struggling to remember the bad stuff she did to me, so it's really hard to forgive myself... I apologized and sent her an e-mail wishing her well with her new boyfriend and how I truly am sorry for treating her like crap and saying all the nasty things I said to her, but she hates me.

 

No response from her at all and I'm 100% positive she's moved on, which is fine, but I am struggling hard to forgive myself. I'm not that person I was towards the end of our relationship, and I wish she knew that, but she doesn't even want to be my friend. So how can I go about forgiving myself? I've been seeing a counselor and have been working on my problems, but it's just tough. I've said all I needed to say to her via messages, but like I said no response. So she's probably read my apologies, but doesn't care.

 

So since she's not going to respond, I'm done trying. I know there's no "best" way to move on, but I need tips, anything. I'm tired of living with the guilt of the past. For f*ck's sake, it's not like she was perfect either, but she's moved on and thinks that she was an angel and did nothing wrong, which is bull. At least I apologized for my wrong doing, she hasn't, nor will she ever. So dumb... why do I even want to be friends with someone that won't even acknowledge what I have to say or even admit that it wasn't all my fault.

 

I can't move on when I keep beating myself up over the past. Had some opportunities to date, but I always tell myself I can't. Help?

 

Most people don't keep in touch with their exes even if the split is relatively amicable. So don't sweat it.

 

You still have feelings for her. They will fade...

[FrustrationSetsIn]

You screwed up, you feel she screwed up. You said your apology to her and got no response for it. You apologized she didn't aknowledge it, or did and doesn't give a damn. Either way it doesn't matter. You tried to make amends and that's the best you can go on anymore.

 

Best bet is just to take comfort in the fact you screwed up, move on with your life, continue with your therapy, and do your best to not make those same mistakes again with someone else. That's how you can forgive yourself.

 

And don't fall into that pitfall of being friends with an ex, especially if the relationship ended badly. I've been there myself, we think we can try being friends with an ex when we deep down hope its just another way to get back with them in some kind of fashion. Like maybe suddenly things will all be different and better. They won't be different or better, she's moved on with her life and has a new boyfriend. Time for you to do the same.

[neowulf]

Ok, just a couple of thoughts for you.

 

We aren't owed forgiveness from the people we hurt. You've said your piece, she's ignored you. That's all there is too it.

 

If you're waiting for her to tell you it's ok for the way you treated her, that you're forgiven, you're wasting your time. Your ex doesn't owe you anything any more and the expectation that she should will just hold you back.

 

Thankfully, self-forgiveness isn't really about the other person at all. At it's core, it's about letting go.

 

Easier said than done right. One technique I've found useful in the past is to write your own response. Just imagine you've sent her your message and she's responded. Write out exactly what you want to hear. What would her granting you forgiveness look like? What would she say to you?

 

After that, read the response a few times. Then burn it. It's done. There's nothing left to say. Nothing left to go over. It's over.

 

From here on out, slowly and systematically delete all traces of your ex from your life. No emails, no phone numbers. Nothing.. The more you hang onto the past, the more it will own you.

 

Then.. wait. Focus on other things, work on getting on with your life.

Wish you all the best man.

[Desensitized]

You still have feelings for her. They will fade...

Perhaps so, but I still wish she would still be in my life at least, regardless of if I'm with her or not.

 

And don't fall into that pitfall of being friends with an ex, especially if the relationship ended badly. I've been there myself, we think we can try being friends with an ex when we deep down hope its just another way to get back with them in some kind of fashion.

Well the thing is, is that I'm not looking to be her friend to try and get back together with her. I know that I CAN'T be with her, as much as I wanted to be with her before, because of our different values. We're just way too different. We can laugh together and all, but we're not compatible moral value-wise. I loved her to death, but I couldn't get over some of her values. Sucks...

 

They won't be different or better, she's moved on with her life and has a new boyfriend. Time for you to do the same.

Trying... it's tough though when I keep feeling guilty for things I did/said. I don't want a girlfriend anytime soon though, too busy.

 

We aren't owed forgiveness from the people we hurt. You've said your piece, she's ignored you. That's all there is too it.

I think that's my problem, I thought that I was owed forgiveness.

 

Your ex doesn't owe you anything any more and the expectation that she should will just hold you back.

Very true realization. I guess I forgot about that too.

 

Easier said than done right. One technique I've found useful in the past is to write your own response. Just imagine you've sent her your message and she's responded. Write out exactly what you want to hear. What would her granting you forgiveness look like? What would she say to you?

I think I'll try this. Thanks, man.

 

Thanks guys.

[Desensitized]

She just texted me this morning and asked me why I wanted to talk to her all of the sudden. What do I say back? Do I ignore her for not caring about what I had to say from the beginning, or just forget about it all and move on without replying? Confused... sorta mad but idk.