Jane2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Been dating this guy for three weeks. I went into it knowing that he was in an open relationship with his girlfriend of one and a half years (although in the first two weeks I knew him, which was on a dating site that we traded emails over, I did not know he was in an open relationship. I found out just before we went on a first date). The reason I went through with it is that, initially, I wasn't all that into it, just trying him out. Plus, I had toyed in my mind with the merits of an open relationship. Less pressure, etc. Well, over the course of three weeks, we eventually had sex on our fourth date. I've gotten to know him and have fallen for him. And he's treated me wonderfully, told me he's falling for me, too. But now that I'm beginning to have feelings for him -- serious ones -- I don't like him being with another woman. So I ended it. Did I do the right thing? Or should I be more open minded about being in an open relationship? The man in question has treated me like a queen, taking me out to plays, dinner, cooking for me, etc. He treats me well. But I don't want this god forsaken open relationship thing. It's one of those things where...one moment I think it's okay, the next minute it sort of pisses me off. So I can see how it's just better to get out. Here's what one of my male friends said to me over email: "...devaluing idea that you're only worth half a regular girlfriend. A normal girl gets a whole guy to herself, but you get half a guy; this is your social worth. You're VERY right to be concerned about this and its effect on how guys perceive you, because thats a stigma that you would want to think twice about taking on." What say you all? Also, why must relationships be so f---ed up? I meet a guy who treats me wonderfully. Sex is good and he's respectful. But he's got some other woman and is in an open relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Cypress25 Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 I think you did the right thing. There's a reason that open relationships are not the norm: it's because they're bound to result in hurt feelings. You want a normal, monogamous relationship. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I'd think it was weird if you were willing to settle for half of an open relationship. I know I could never get involved in something like that. When I'm in a relationship, I am 100% loyal and devoted to my partner, and I would expect the same from him. Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 The fact that you were open to a situation like this from the gate says something to a guy about your boundaries. You definitely did the right thing and just stick to your standards. Another great guy will come along and besides it was still the honeymoon period so you really didn't see the REAL person. You may have dodged a bullet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Author Share Posted November 27, 2011 The fact that you were open to a situation like this from the gate says something to a guy about your boundaries. How do you mean? Does it say to him that I'm...what? Just liberal-minded about relationships? Or that I settle for less? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Author Share Posted November 27, 2011 I think you did the right thing. There's a reason that open relationships are not the norm: it's because they're bound to result in hurt feelings. You want a normal, monogamous relationship. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I'd think it was weird if you were willing to settle for half of an open relationship. I know I could never get involved in something like that. When I'm in a relationship, I am 100% loyal and devoted to my partner, and I would expect the same from him. Thanks. I appreciate the support. Friends keep telling me I did the right thing, but in the first few days after the break up (I just broke up with him last night), I need to hear it a lot so that I stick to my guns and don't get weak and try to call him. I don't want to settle for less. I have to force myself not to. Link to post Share on other sites
Casablanca Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 You did the right thing, have to watch out for your feelings...very mature in the way you handled it and knew what was best for you Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 How do you mean? Does it say to him that I'm...what? Just liberal-minded about relationships? Or that I settle for less? When you know deep down in your heart that its (open r) not really what you want, you do end up settling for less than you really deserve. You definitely did the right thing. Have you cut contact with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane2011 Posted November 27, 2011 Author Share Posted November 27, 2011 When you know deep down in your heart that its (open r) not really what you want, you do end up settling for less than you really deserve. You definitely did the right thing. Have you cut contact with him? Yes, I have cut contact. Last night on the phone, when I broke up, I said (as a wrap-up), "Anyway, I just want to say good luck to you guys and...take care." He said, "Wait...I mean, you can still call me...and I mean, we can still hang out as friends." I said, "I kinda doubt it." Then I quickly followed up with an "A'right, take care." And then I hung up fast. I'm not going to talk to him. I know he's only known me for three weeks and he's been with his gf for a year and a half. But as far as I'm concerned, he should sever ties anyway. He's only in an open relationship because that's what she wanted, and he was going along with it for her. Because he found me and liked me a lot, he was starting to see the merits of an open relationship. What guy wouldn't want -- guilt-free -- two women who are attractive and appealing? But he doesn't realize how much an open relationship would suck for him if/when I or his gf get together with another male and he has to hear about it, or even just get the residual "vibes" of it. You see, though he and his gf have been together for a year and a half, they only just decided on being in an open relationship in the past two months. Both of them have been on single dates that kind of petered out. Until me. I was/am a contender. He wanted me and wanted to keep seeing me, and did. But there would/will come a time when she finds a good 2nd partner, and me too. And he'd hate it. But I won't continue in this foolishness because I don't want to settle for less. I don't care how "loving" and "respectful" they say it is (and they do mean for the relationships to be meaningful and equal), I'm not going to share someone I'm in love with. And I don't want someone I'm in love with to *want* to share me. Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Don't forget there are 3 sides to every story and you only know what he is telling you. Its possible that she doesn't know that she's in an open relationship. I'm surprised that any woman would consider such an arrangement and would be interested in why. Who knows. Stay strong and hang tight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 Oh, about that. I do know, for sure, that she knows. Here's the thing (and the crazy part): I actually know her. I actually knew her for two years before I knew him. Her boyfriend and I met on a dating site, and I found out after the fact of his and my talking on the dating site that he is in an open relationship with a girl that I know. She most definitely is aware of the open relationship; as a matter of fact, she wanted to have coffee with me after his and my date # 4, and we did so. She wanted to square things away as far as parameters. She looked hurt during our meeting (as in, hard for her to deal with the fact that her man genuinely likes another woman), but she is just genuinely polyamorous and cannot be in a traditional relationship. And the guy I was seeing -- he's not a bad person. He's only doing what a normal man would do. Enjoy the fact that he has two women that he likes a lot. I don't really blame him for not knowing what to do. As awesome as I am, his girlfriend is awesome too (I know her; we were in grad school together. Small world deal). And they've got history that I don't have with him. The guy likes me a lot. Maybe not "enough" to sever ties at this point. But he's been good to me, and he's sweet. I miss him. But I must stay strong. It's hard. The fact that they genuinely do want a real polyamorous situation with substance is what gives me pause. Like, I could have a good relationship with him if I could just wrap my mind around polyamory and accept it. But I don't know that I can. So I want to get out before I just end up feeling pissed off half of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane2011 Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 It's not as creepy as it may seem, though, because although I know her, we're not and weren't good friends. To say "I know her" is appropriate, because that was the extent of it. Also, we know a lot of the same people. But we weren't good friends, nor could one even rightfully say we were friends at all. "Acquaintances" works. Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 You did the right thing. If you're not looking for an open relationship, don't date someone that is in one. No matter how well he treats you, there will always be other women he is treating the same way. It doesn't sound like that's what you want. You can find a man to treat you well and wants a monogamous relationship. Move on Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane2011 Posted December 27, 2011 Author Share Posted December 27, 2011 No one asked or anything, but I thought I'd update on this thread. Two days after the post I wrote (on November 27th), I got back together with this guy. We talked again and I just wasn't ready to not enjoy him anymore, so I got back together with him for three weeks. But I basically still came to feel that I cannot handle knowing he is with another woman, so I ended it again on December 17th. This time, it's for real. We're done. We haven't talked in ten days; it's really over this time. I know it was short-lived and whatnot, but I definitely had feelings for the guy. Fortunately, I have the support of good friends and good family who tell me I did the right thing to just walk away. I suppose some people can do open relationships, but I can't. I mean, the only way I could do them is if my feelings didn't run that deep. But who wants relationships where their feelings aren't deep enough to care what the other person does with other people? Anyway, I know I fell off the wagon by getting back together with the guy, but hey, I'm human. I'm good now. Ten days without talking to him, and I'm on solid ground to continue staying away. Even already talking to another guy (though I don't know if I'm gonna actually like him enough to get together with him, at least I'm talking to another man). Link to post Share on other sites
Cypress25 Posted December 27, 2011 Share Posted December 27, 2011 Most people won't do open relationships. That's why they're so rare. Trust me, you're normal, lol. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 (edited) EDIT: Read whole thread I have to say your the first monogamous girl Ive heard of whos pursued a guy whos admittedly in an open relationship. A lot of girls would shy away from that because they wouldnt sleep with a dude whos regularly sleeping with someone else. Just too risky health wise. And they also wouldnt dare to share their guy Find a dude who will commit to you and only you. Theres plenty of that lolz Edited December 28, 2011 by kaylan 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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