Why is she teasing me?

[ksmit]

I dated a coworker for a couple months but never tried to kiss her or escalate the relationship. On our last date (#4), she invited me into her home and we went on a late night walk. This was our most romantic setting, but I ended the night with a romantic hug (no kiss) because I was too shy. I don't want to explain how she was into me, so just assume she was into me until after the 4th date.

 

Next day she's all depressed and can't even look me in the eyes. She keeps telling me she's "tired". It's obvious she can't stand how slow the relationship has been moving because I've showed little romantic interest. Nevertheless, I sense there's trouble and confess my feelings for her. In doing so, she flakes out the next time I ask her out and it becomes awkwardness from then on. I try ONE more time and she then no longer contacts me. After communicating friendly virtually every day (emails, texts, visits), we go cold turkey on each other and cut all contact.

 

A week later I walk by her desk (not to talk) and she's squeamishly uncomfortable and upset. It's like she feels terrible for rejecting me and doesn't know what to do or say. I give her space. I swing by her a few more times over the course of 3 weeks and she's still uneasy.

 

After several weeks, she's starting to swing by my room giving me these sly smiles and occasionally waving in. One of the times she even walked in just to talk to me. If she has no interest in me, I wish her the worst possible life for teasing me this way.

 

Now my question is after all the drama and stress we've BOTH been through, why is she behaving this way? If she felt terrible about rejecting me, why start toying with me knowing she broke my heart? She's either a heartless bitch who just wants my attention or is she willing to give me another chance? Is there anything I could do to find out for sure while maximizing her attraction for me? I feel like if she was really willing to give me another chance, she would at least text, email, or call me.

 

I can understand teasing me if I was some guy she rejected from the beginning and barely knew me, but this girl and I were dating for a few months and communicated just about every day like a couple would. It would be the equivalent of having your ex tease you at work after a dramatic breakup. Who would do that?

 

I still want this girl but don't know how to behave. For now I'm just trying to play it cool like nothing ever happened and just being nice to her when I rarely run into her. From now on when she walks by desk, I'm not even going to notice her anymore.

Edited November 22, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[InJest]

Next time you see her, grow a pair of balls and give her that kiss that you never gave her. She will be stunned, shocked, and will either get on board with it, or stop talking to you. Either way, you win. This isn't about the girl anymore. It's about you. Do you have to balls to make the move?

[ksmit]

Oh man, I love that idea. If most people agree with you on this thread, I'll do it! My only concern is I can't do it at work. I would have to convince her to "go out" as "friends" sometime. }:-)

 

I don't think you read my whole post...

[joystickd]

This is a guy that needs to follow the three date rule. You should have had sex when she invited you in the house.

[ksmit]

She senses that you are a passive aggressive a-hole who harbors a "get cancer bitch" attitude, but she doesn't have anything better going on, so keeps coming around hoping you will drink a testosterone shake and turn into a man one day.

Wow, overreaction much? This girl has put me through hell. I've been nothing but sweet to her.

[ksmit]

If you're going to respond to this thread, please address the issues I brought rather than share your judgments of me. Come on people...

[ksmit]

How -exactly- has she "put you through hell?"

Teasing me several times a week after rejecting and ignoring me completely for weeks.

 

I think you have probably been the one who has put her through hell actually.

Yes, we made each other insane because we're both very shy and sensitive. I was the one who finally stepped up though to dispel her doubts.

[dasein]

Women change their minds all the time, you are attributing some intent to her that your post does not reflect as realistic. In all likelihood it's as I said, she has nothing going on, or sees some other qualities in you she likes, and is trying to give you another chance. Whether you capitalize on that is up to you, but starting from a place of "she is putting me though hell" doesn't bode well for success.

 

As far as her being shy also, she's a girl, you aren't. She has likely had other experiences with men in life who are capable of expressing normal sexual attraction by making physical advances and you are confusing her.

 

Ask her out and if she says no, move on. If she says yes, get her outside the dating domain you two have experienced in the past, maybe even out of town somewhere, to foster a fresh start (do not say as much), and then get politely sexual. Tell her she drives you wild and your hesitance has been out of fear of controlling it, that you aren't used to a woman inspiring such strong feelings in you (feelngs of lust not lovey dovey, be sure to communicate in that context) then make that attraction physically apparent. If she rejects you then, you can walk away with your manhood intact.

[ksmit]

In all likelihood it's as I said, she has nothing going on, or sees some other qualities in you she likes, and is trying to give you another chance. Whether you capitalize on that is up to you, but starting from a place of "she is putting me though hell" doesn't bode well for success.

What do you mean has "nothing going on"? The idea she might give me another chance feels outside of my reality. If she was serious, I think she would be making a stronger effort to actually TALK to me. Swinging by just to smile at me for WEEKS now says she's just an attention whore.

 

As far as her being shy also, she's a girl, you aren't. She has likely had other experiences with men in life who are capable of expressing normal sexual attraction by making physical advances and you are confusing her.

You're right. In my other threads people have said I probably make her think there is something is wrong with her.

 

Ask her out and if she says no, move on. If she says yes, get her outside the dating domain you two have experienced in the past, maybe even out of town somewhere, to foster a fresh start (do not say as much), and then get politely sexual. Tell her she drives you wild and your hesitance has been out of fear of controlling it, that you aren't used to a woman inspiring such strong feelings in you (feelngs of lust not lovey dovey, be sure to communicate in that context) then make that attraction physically apparent. If she rejects you then, you can walk away with your manhood intact.

That sounds intense. First we would need to at least start communicating on a regular basis again.

[dasein]

If she was serious, I think she would be making a stronger effort to actually TALK to me. Swinging by just to smile at me for WEEKS now says she's just an attention whore.

 

That's how women indicate interest, and is as assertive as you are likely to get from most women, especially ones who have been confused by a guy's past behavior.

 

That sounds intense. First we would need to at least start communicating on a regular basis again.

 

You need to get a little intense. You have 4 dates and lots of office flirtation under your belts, no need for further "communicating." Now don't be a grabby ass, but do get more assertive physically. If she rejects, you have clarity and can move on. Get the answer you need to move on one way or the other. Don't leave yourself and her in limbo.

[ksmit]

But instead of actually doing what both me and others have pointed out, you keep arguing about 'the hell'. Well, guess what ... she may have done so, but what you are doing now is not an attractive quality in a man.

What am I doing now that's unattractive? After treating me like some sort of plague, it's not easy to feel normal around her so I keep contact to a minimum and say nothing more than "hey" with a straight face.

[ksmit]

Just in case you didn't read my whole first post, this girl was SQUEAMISH around me for a few weeks after she went cold turkey and started ignoring my emails completely. She couldn't have made "I'm not into you" more obvious.

 

I was being a very affectionate orbiter around her during that time which is probably what turned her off. Overall I was just giving her way too much attention. Whether a woman can really become attracted again after this kind of behavior on my part seems unlikely, but if women really can change their minds like that I guess I could be back in the game.

 

Perhaps I'll send her a casual email sometime and just see where it goes. Because talking face to face is difficult for me now.

[ShannonMI]

Just in case you didn't read my whole first post, this girl was SQUEAMISH around me for a few weeks after she went cold turkey and started ignoring my emails completely. She couldn't have made "I'm not into you" more obvious.

 

I was being a very affectionate orbiter around her during that time which is probably what turned her off. Overall I was just giving her way too much attention. Whether a woman can really become attracted again after this kind of behavior on my part seems unlikely, but if women really can change their minds like that I guess I could be back in the game.

 

Perhaps I'll send her a casual email sometime and just see where it goes. Because talking face to face is difficult for me now.

Yes KK do that. Enough of the game playing. She's playing games and you are in a way too. Or you are allowing her to play with you. Walking by your room and smiling and waving means she wants ATTENTION from you. So give her some attention. Email her.

 

Also you moved too slow for this girl. We've discussed this at length. She got irritated and gave up, but now she wants your attention again. Probably because you've stopped talking to her or even looking at her when she walks by. She likes you, but acts like an idiot. Or maybe she likes you, but just doesn't know what kind of relationship you two can have when you moved at a snails pace before. If you do get the chance to take her out again, make a move immediately. Kiss her, hold her hand, anything. Let her know you want her. She was probably doubting that when you hung out with her. Although you were being sweet to her through out all of it, ACTIONS speak louder then WORDS. Make a move. ACTION BABY!!! That's what she wants, so do it!!

[ksmit]

Great response ShannonMI. Thank you so much.

[ShannonMI]

Great response ShannonMI. Thank you so much.

You're welcome;) Now you need to push through your discomfort and just take the plunge. I know this is highly uncomfortable for you. Too f*cking bad. If you want this girl, you better make a move or you will regret it forever. You have unfinished business with this her. She knows it and you know it. That's another reason why she's seeking your attention. Give her your undivided attention now. No more ignoring her.

[jobaba]

You're welcome;) Now you need to push through your discomfort and just take the plunge. I know this is highly uncomfortable for you. Too f*cking bad. If you want this girl, you better make a move or you will regret it forever. You have unfinished business with this her. She knows it and you know it. That's another reason why she's seeking your attention. Give her your undivided attention now. No more ignoring her.

 

Wow.

 

Are you serious with that advice?

 

She already rejected him.

 

If you make him believe he has another chance, he's just going to get more and more into her and more and more attached. If she rejects him again, he's gonna be a mess. And she's a co-worker to boot!

 

I've been there. I tried to chase the same woman for years, and I don't think that's good advice.

 

I think it's better to drop her like a hot potato. But then again I'm not Don Juan DeMarco (see: Rejection thread)

 

To the OP ... your main mistake in my estimation was 1) not making a move, and 2) confessing your feelings for somebody that you were not dating. When you say to a woman, "I love you." or "I like you as more than a friend" or "I have feelings for you" when you haven't kissed or f@cked yet and have only been on a few dates ... freaks em out.

 

Next time, never confess feelings verbally unless you are really 'going out'.

[ShannonMI]

Wow.

 

Are you serious with that advice?

 

She already rejected him.

 

If you make him believe he has another chance, he's just going to get more and more into her and more and more attached. If she rejects him again, he's gonna be a mess.

 

I've been there. I tried to chase the same woman for years, and I don't think that's good advice.

 

I think it's better to drop her like a hot potato.

 

To the OP ... your main mistake in my estimation was 1) not making a move, and 2) confessing your feelings for somebody that you were not dating. When you say to a woman, "I love you." or "I like you as more than a friend" or "I have feelings for you" when you haven't kissed or f@cked yet and have only been on a few dates ... freaks em out.

 

Next time, never confess feelings verbally unless you are really 'going out'.

Yeah I'm serious with my advice. I don't give advice I'm not serious about:rolleyes: Obviously this chick wants some sort of ATTENTION or REACTION from him, so f*cking give her some. If she didn't want something from him, she wouldn't be walking by his room making a point to smile in at him and wave. Also, I know a bit more about the story then you do. This girl wants attention. Period. So if he can get past his discomfort and talk to her it may be a good thing. If she rejects him, so what? What is she gonna say? I'm not interested in dating you now or lets just be friends? Big deal. He can handle it, believe me. At least he'll have an answer. If she rejects him or accepts him. Right now he's WONDERING. That's an annoying f*cking feeling, let me tell you.

 

So baby boy, take my advice. You know your NY sister loves you and wants what's best for you.

[ksmit]

Wow. Are you serious with that advice? She already rejected him. If you make him believe he has another chance, he's just going to get more and more into her and more and more attached.

Feeling like I'm in limbo doesn't feel good either. I will never be the same around this girl again after what we've been through. I mean that in a good way too. No more pussy behavior from me. Sometimes you need drama to finally break the ice.

 

To the OP ... your main mistake in my estimation was 1) not making a move, and 2) confessing your feelings for somebody that you were not dating. When you say to a woman, "I love you." or "I like you as more than a friend" or "I have feelings for you" when you haven't kissed or f@cked yet and have only been on a few dates ... freaks em out.

I have a hunch that you're right on the money. It wasn't that I confessed, but the poor timing of it. I also presume you mean not to tell a woman if you're not literally on a date. I confessed up 4 days after our last date.

 

Also, I know a bit more about the story then you do. This girl wants attention. Period. So baby boy, take my advice. You know your NY sister loves you and wants what's best for you.

Thanks, I hope you're right.

 

More feedback welcome!

[Cypress25]

She's not teasing you, she's just trying to be friendly because you work together. You walked past her desk a few times and made her uncomfortable, and now she's doing the same to you. What's the big deal?

 

Look, you're the one who screwed up the relationship. You had your chance and you blew it. That's not her fault. Now she's trying to smooth things over because she doesn't want to be uncomfortable around you at work. There is nothing sexual about her actions towards you at the office. Smiling and waving to your coworker is not teasing. It's called being polite.

[ShannonMI]

She's not teasing you, she's just trying to be friendly because you work together. You walked past her desk a few times and made her uncomfortable, and now she's doing the same to you. What's the big deal?

 

Look, you're the one who screwed up the relationship. You had your chance and you blew it. That's not her fault. Now she's trying to smooth things over because she doesn't want to be uncomfortable around you at work. There is nothing sexual about her actions towards you at the office. Smiling and waving to your coworker is not teasing. It's called being polite.

This could be it too. Although from what I know the building he works in is big enough that they wouldn't even have to see each other if they didn't want to. She makes it a point to go out of her way to walk by his room. This means she wants some sort of attention from him. While it may not be sexual, it's something. He could try talking to her and just feel her out. See if she's just trying to keep a civil work relationship or if there is something more.

[PlumPrincess]

Four dates in a couple of months?? I'd be bored to death! How do you sustain your feelings for someone if things develop that slowly??

 

My guess is, she really likes you and is trying to tease you make you stand up like man and win her back, which you are not doing, because instead you feel insecure. As I see it, it's not going to work out with you. I understand her frustration.

Edited November 22, 2011 by PlumPrincess

[ksmit]

She's not teasing you, she's just trying to be friendly because you work together. You walked past her desk a few times and made her uncomfortable, and now she's doing the same to you. What's the big deal?

I believe this is the case, but she knows I'm not comfortable around her anymore yet still makes these deliberate passes through my area a few times a week. The day before she left on a trip last week (that I didn't know about), she walked by SEVERAL times that day trying to get my attention. It's like she NEEDED me to know she was going on a trip.

 

Consider this, for the past 8 MONTHS, including the time we were going out, she must have walked by 3 times and they were always to see me. I know her job role and that she has no business in my area. I can confidently say she walks by my room solely to entice me. Wish there was something I could do or test to get an idea of her agenda.

 

This could be it too. Although from what I know the building he works in is big enough that they wouldn't even have to see each other if they didn't want to.

Absolutely.

[ksmit]

My guess is, she really likes you and is trying to tease you make you stand up like man and win her back, which you are not doing, because instead you feel insecure. As I see it, it's not going to work out with you. I understand her frustration.

Did you read my whole post? Just curious.

 

You could be right though, I NEVER showed any fire to this girl. I can promise you things would be totally different if we ever dated again. My whole perspective and attitude towards her has shifted.

[ksmit]

Since I can't edit my posts, (thanks LS), I wanted to add that just in the last month she's probably walked by 20 times.

[ShannonMI]

Did you read my whole post? Just curious.

 

You could be right though, I NEVER showed any fire to this girl. I can promise you things would be totally different if we ever dated again. My whole perspective and attitude towards her has shifted.

Women want to be desired and wanted. When a man doesn't give it to them they get frustrated. She got frustrated with you, but she still likes you. That is my guess. Why else would she make a point to go out of her way to get your attention? If she felt that uncomfortable around you, she would avoid your office like the plague. She's not doing that.

 

If you ever get another chance with her, you better damn well sweep her off her feet. She better think you are a different man.