Jump to content

Is she just not interested anymore?


hikaru

Recommended Posts

This isn't going to be short.

 

 

So, I started seeing her in July. We have a lot of things in common, and we're very compatible, mentally, sexually, and our lifestyles are similar. Thing is, she has commitment issues. Think of guys who say "I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with just one person"...that's her, in female form. She said she was in a better place when we met, that she was ready to commit, and that she had more in common with me than anyone else. She was super excited that we had the same kind of diet, so we'd cook together, something her ex's(which there's apparently a lot of) never did. In the beginning she lived 25min away, we'd see eachother 4-5 times a week.

 

Now, I know it's usually more hot-n-heavy in the beginning, but it's getting ridiculous. Suddenly two weeks ago she seemed different. Less interested? She's been living in an apartment at her parents and at first she'd come to my place, I'd go to hers...but lately I'll see her maybe 2-3 nights a week, and she hasn't come to my place in 2.5 weeks. She used to wait to make dinner together, now I come over and she's watching her reality tv, passing out, and telling me I can just reheat something. She hasn't said "miss you" (which I wouldn't have cared about if she'd never said it at all) at all now if we don't spend time together. She's even admitted that she initially thought she was ready to completely open up emotionally and give herself to this relationship, but now she says she's resisting, and she's getting back to the mentality that she wont be satisfied with just 1 monogamous relationship.

 

She says she's not interested in anyone else specifically(I asked, and assumed she was being honest with her answer), but it's the fear that she'll hurt me, herself, or become uninterested that makes her worry when in a long term relationship. What's frustrating, is I don't know where we stand...we're in limbo. I'm worried and pissed, because 1-I want to be with her. I know she needs her space for friends(she has a ton), but how she was toward me the first 2 months is how I'd come to know her, now I can't read her at all. I should mention there really hasn't been much intimacy in the last 2 weeks either, though it was that time of the month this past weekend. And 2- I'm pissed because she sort of lead me on. She said she was ready for this yet she keeps me at arms length, and admits that she does it.

 

-I wrote that on Tuesday. On that same day she was invited to a concert, someone she knew had free tickets. Instead of saying that "you could come if we had more tickets" or, "I'd ask you to come but you probably wouldn't like it and there aren't any more free tickets", she just says "So apparently I'm going to a concert with soandso and a few friends tonight" I told her it sounded like fun, and asked where it was. 3 hours later she replies. She also tells me she'll give me a massage tomorrow(wed) night. I asked her if she was busy, she said she was going to see her girlfriend for a bit. She sent me one more message around 5pm, and throughout the night I sent her a few texts, replied to one(the one where I asked for her mothers phone number regarding a legal dispute), she never replied. She updated facebook at 2am..

 

The next day she said sorry that she hadn't been replying to texts and that we'd see eachother that night. End of the day comes, I send her a text at 6:15 saying "am I coming there?" and she responded with "sure". I asked her if I should bring some food, and she says "I already ate"...already sounds like an exciting evening! I get there, she's complaining about her face(acne that makes her insecure), and she sits at the opposite end of the couch from me. We sat there, chit chatting over TV for 3.5 hours...went to bed. She didn't so much as touch me, not even the kiss goodnight I'd come to expect. I had my hand on her thigh at one point, but she adjusted her legs after a while. The next day she gave me a half hug and a kiss on the cheek as I left for work. She texted me like normal throughout the day, not as much as we used to, but kept a positive tone. Then after a text about the weather, I get nothing. I heard nothing from her from 3pm until 7am this morning.

 

I asked her how her night went, she said "nice, but I was delayed getting to Nashua"..I felt like I'd be prying to ask her what she was doing in Nashua so I fought the urge to ask. I made plans of my own for the weekend, since I knew she'd be busy saturday and those plans will require that I take the fold up dog crate I keep at her place. So, I asked her if she'd be home so I can come pick up my crate. She didn't act like she was expecting me to clear out my stuff, she sounded curious and asked me "why are you taking it?" Then i said I'd stop by to pick it up, didn't say I was coming over, and she said "Ok but I need to get up early"...not sure if that was her thinking I'd be spending the night??

 

I just don't get this....her actions, lack of communication, making me pry for info about what she's doing because she doesn't freely share that she's busy doing X, her lack of interest, the lack of sex(3 weeks Sunday)...just all makes me think it's done, but she hasn't said "we need to talk", she hasn't asked me to come over so we can, and she hasn't stopped talking to me all together.

 

Last Sunday we actually had a big talk about our relationship, and I thought we had an understanding...maybe she's taking this week off, but decided not to tell me? I don't know why she doesn't want me involved in her life...I don't understand what's going on, but I don't want to push more depressing talk if she just needs space. Is she doing this so I'll bring it all up, or is she really just thinking this is business as usual? I've been patiently waiting for her to take interest in the fact that we've been apart for almost a week, with very minimal communication, but she doesn't seem to care. Not even the stupid smiley faces she used to send to me when she was out. Not even a "goodnight". It's not that I demand these things, it's that they were once there and now they're not. It's a distressing change.

 

It's not helping that I've got Work, vehicle, grad school, money(ex roommate ripping me off) and new roommate stress all attacking me at the same time. I've been in constant panic mode for a few days. Stomach is really not happy with me right now. I just want to relax!

 

edit-I should state, she's 24, I'm 27. She's an only child, which my mother thinks plays a bit here...that she's always gotten the attention, and what she wanted, and blah blah. What's annoying is that it almost fits...

Edited by hikaru
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm positive you're not going to like this advice, but here goes.

 

You're going to have to break up with her. What else is there? What's "talking about the relationship" some more going to do? You're the only one putting any work into this relationship, and she already knows it. So, what is there to talk about, really?

 

This might sound cold to some, but if you have to, send her a text saying "I'm done. Take care.". This relationship is pretty much over anyway, and your breaking up by text is no worse than her string you on and she has been. Walk away as much on your terms as possible. Besides, her whining about what an azzhole you are (for ending it via text) is better than her current indifference.

 

In fact, I say send that text right now. What are you waiting for--her to break up with you?

 

Every day you sit around waiting and hoping for her to come around is another day where you lose respect--both hers and your own self-respect. That is going to matter enormously.

 

That (you leaving) just might make her come around, that you're not going to sit around and take this. In fact, I'd say that's the ONLY chance of this working--you showing some self-respect and walking away.

Edited by Imajerk17
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

That (you leaving) just might make her come around, that you're not going to sit around and take this. In fact, I'd say that's the ONLY chance of this working--you showing some self-respect and walking away.

 

I stood up for myself sunday and expressed just how unwanted she makes me feel sometimes, she hugged me and thanked me for being open, and expressing myself, but then the next few days happened....so perhaps you're right. I sent her a text at lunch asking her how her day was, no response, yet she comments on some crap I wrote on facebook about coffee.

 

Problem is, I'm incredibly interested in her. She had been seeing a therapist, up until 3 weeks ago...she just hadn't been scheduling it. The therapist was helping her talk through her issues with monogamy and commitment...3 weeks, about when she started acting odd. She says she wants a deep relationship like she sees her friends involved in but she wont emotionally commit...she was sort of, but then she halted a few weeks back. I was just hoping we could get that momentum back up and running.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I stood up for myself sunday and expressed just how unwanted she makes me feel sometimes, she hugged me and thanked me for being open, and expressing myself, but then the next few days happened....so perhaps you're right. I sent her a text at lunch asking her how her day was, no response, yet she comments on some crap I wrote on facebook about coffee.

 

Problem is, I'm incredibly interested in her. She had been seeing a therapist, up until 3 weeks ago...she just hadn't been scheduling it. The therapist was helping her talk through her issues with monogamy and commitment...3 weeks, about when she started acting odd. She says she wants a deep relationship like she sees her friends involved in but she wont emotionally commit...she was sort of, but then she halted a few weeks back. I was just hoping we could get that momentum back up and running.

 

I stand by my advice man. Especially because her hot-n-cold (or should I say tepid-n-frigid) behavior is hooking you in more.

 

She needs to go back to therapy and keep working out her issues there. But you need to move on and take care of you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is the same girl from earlier in the year, right? The one who was still friends with her former lover, and was meeting him out without you?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
This is the same girl from earlier in the year, right? The one who was still friends with her former lover, and was meeting him out without you?

 

Yea, same. She hasn't gone out with any other male friends since. Though Thursday night she went out and didn't tell me she was going out, where or with whom, so who knows. Haven't had her text me goodnight since Monday. Didn't get many good mornings either. Stopped by yesterday to get my dog crate and told her I had a friend waiting, she asked who and I told her it was my long time female friend. I said something about my dog that made her ask if I was spending the night at KY friends place, then she asked what we were doing....lots more questions then I ever ask before she gets snappy...anywho, I remained positive, didn't give away my anxiety, was nice to see her in a good mood vs her weirdness on Wednesday.

 

She's going to a conference that's once a year all day today, so that's the reason. On my way out I got a hug, no kiss at all and she said 'ill see you soon, lets do something Sunday?' To which I semi indifferently said 'ok '.

 

So she had an opportunity to end things, if that's her goal, but didn't. This week could have just been her immature way of backing off from the relationship after a fairly serious talk on Sunday. She did something similar in the 2nd month where we had a talk, and then for 3ish days had minimal contact with me and.kept herself busy with friends. She actually admitted she was doing that on purpose back then, after the fact. I dunno. I mean she basically said I could spend the night last night when I first asked.about getting the crate, so maybe she is just incredibly inconsiderate with communication, or she's just putting off telling me her true feelings.

 

The text is sound advice, but I feel like I'm getting mixed signals and I wanna see how this plays out. If she asks me to spend the night tomorrow I may say no and see what her response is..

Link to post
Share on other sites

Honestly, I can't speak for her or for you. But this reminds me alot of my previous relationship. (that ended about 7 weeks ago) My GF got much more cold with me, lack of communication, basically lost all interest for whatever reasons she might have. Its interesting, we had something similar when we started. Same vegan diet, similar loving and intriguing personalities when interacting with eachother, and openness for want to be close to one another. But like your GF, something clicked, she made herself busy, put distance between us and just gave up caring. It made me reconsider if the "one person always care alot more than the other in every relationship" theory. It certainly seemed that way anyways.

 

I think time is a great test of a relationship's strength. Once one person seems to back off and lose interest, it will always be like that since people repeat their behavior. :/

 

You can talk to her honestly, about how you feel. The last thing I recommend is playing games with eachother to coax out a response. She seems to have changed, or lost some kind of romantic motivation with everything you've said. And it hurts... I know how it feels. You care alot, then something unexpected comes up which makes you think like she doesn't care. And then you begin to wonder. Is there someone else? Is it me? Is something going on? And 99% of the time, its a lack of communication with what's happening or how someone feels. With my case, I just said "I couldn't deal with it anymore." My ex agreed and started dating someone new within the week. And there you have it, there was someone else and I would have never known otherwise.

 

Talk to her if anything. See if anything is up. If she doesn't reciprocate your care and attention, then move on, for you deserve better. You have alot of **** going in your life, the last thing you need is unrequited love/feeling. The most painful thing that there is.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Should have taken the advice and texted her. The reason she was distant last week, is because she acted on the text I sent where I said I'll give her space and just assume I'm not seeing her unless she says so....to which I received no response, so I had no idea she was acting on it. She says she has no idea why she didn't tell me, and she's sorry. She was sorry for how she acted when I came over.

 

The reason she doesn't think it will work is sort of messed up. She says she "isn't in the right place" to be in a committed relationship. She will only be with me if I'm ok being in an open relationship with her. She believes that she can have 2+ casual relationships where she makes deep connections. She says if you can have it with 1 person, it would be good to make even more with others. She wants me in her life, but she wants to live a consequence free, selfish lifestyle that I don't even believe is attainable.

 

So, on top of that, she believes if she keeps trying to force herself to be monogamous, or simply exclusive, she'll eventually just break up because she still hasn't figured out how to completely emotionally "unlock"(my words). She never gets totally emotionally invested, so little things can drive her to leaving people. But before me everything was casual, this was supposed to be different. I met all of her check boxes, and she met mine. We were doing it, but suddenly it felt like she stopped trying. And indeed, that's what happened. She lost sight, and just let her anxieties over the possible future with just 1 person, or the possibility of hurting me more than she's doing now, rule out.

 

I don't get it. I don't understand letting go and giving up on something like this. We're both still interested in eachother, attracted to eachother, and all of the same check boxes are ticked, she just needs the label changed, and the option to possibly date others casually. It doesn't make sense...give up on something that was still blossoming...give up before she really even gave herself completely to it? Lose a friend who you have a good connection with and a lot in common with? And still end up hurting them even though that's what you say you're attempting to avoid...it's all crap.

 

I think I'm done with relationships for a while. I still really want her, and like her, and I'd been craving sex for the last 3 weeks...so, yay! I met her on Okcupid, but I don't see the point...just going to live my busy life and see what happens. At this point, the way these last two ended, I don't feel like I can trust anyone romantically, at least not for a while.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Niagara Falls

shes trying her best to not cheat on you anymore than she has already. shes bored and wants something new. wanting an open relationship for those reason is just a bull**** scheme so she can be with new people. ive had a relationship like this. instead of wanting a real serious relationship, she wants the honeymoon affect over and over with new guys.

 

get out of this relationship before you really get hurt man

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
shes trying her best to not cheat on you anymore than she has already. shes bored and wants something new. wanting an open relationship for those reason is just a bull**** scheme so she can be with new people. ive had a relationship like this. instead of wanting a real serious relationship, she wants the honeymoon affect over and over with new guys.

 

get out of this relationship before you really get hurt man

 

I'm out, it's over as of that phone call. She told me we can talk it out in person tonight if it'd help, but I honestly don't see the point. It would have been nice to know I meant something to her, enough for her to not string me along all week, or to actually take charge and bring this up on her own, in person. Instead it went down the way it did, and it's as if she could care less that someone she was sharing her life with is no longer in it. It's not just the honeymoon effect she's after either, she actually believes she can have deep connections even through multiple short relationships. She just can't give all of herself to commit. I'd rather believe she's being honest. If she really is, then this is all her doing, she's basically abandoning this because she's unwilling to continue trying.

 

I just need people to tell me not to contact her...I need the encouragement because I really want to.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...