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Should I fight for this girl, or just let her go?


Pikeman85

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So, I started de facto seeing this girl around a year ago. Never officially asked her out, which was stupid, especially as she kept "girl" asking me out repeatedly ("my family thinks we should date", "my mother thinks we're dating, but I told her you don't do that... right?", saying to me "I haven't been in a relationship in a long time, and getting into one scares me", telling her family I was actually a decent guy, for once, etc. Basically everything implying we were dating, except that I never asked, because I was scared.

 

Anyway, about after 6 months of us occasionally sleeping together, with small bits of romantic stuff and lots of hanging out in between, she starts hanging out with a new guy. I freeze, still don't fight, for a month.

 

Finally buy her an expensive present trying to show "hey, pay attention to me". She says I want to win points back from the new guy. I admit, confess I like her.

 

She's confused, and initially pushes me away. Then a day or two later comes around and starts being flirty with me, and tries to see if she can make me jealous by talking about the other guy. This is all well and good for a couple of weeks, and then I get drunk, tell her I love her and jump on her (friend's advice to drunken me).

 

She gets standoffish, tells me she does not want to date me, and while we still hang out frequently, she goes off and hangs with the new guy a great deal more.

 

Anyway, about a month and a half after this, she suddenly starts getting cuddly again, stroking my hair, telling me she wants a smart guy, basically poo-poos the other guy.

 

I freeze again (this is a constant problem for me). She gets colder and colder as I don't make a move (over the course of three weeks). Says she is basically dating the other guy, but wants a smarter guy.

 

I decide to tell her I want her. Get drunk, get really awkward. Don't actually tell her I want her.

 

She tells me "Lets be friends." I tell her I want to cut her out for some time to sorta get over her and give myself time to think.

 

She reacts by SPAMMING me, messaging me every day for a month, asking me to hang out with her (and the other guy), tries to trick me (yes, trick me) into going to parties, etc, etc.

 

Meanwhile, she keeps inviting me to hang out with the new guy, and is very visibly being cuddly/physical with him. This makes me annoyed, I complain to a mutual friend, and don't use the best of names for her. This gets back to her. She gets very cold for a few weeks, but warms up. She's very standoffish, seems worried I'll cause drama.

 

I realize I've sorta felt impotent and not at all in control of the situation about a month ago, and have been much better since then (i.e. I feel I've finally "manned up"). We hang out, and she's friendly and occasionally flirty. She seems to like the guy, but she's moving to California (a place I want to move to as well, in fact we had plans to move there before my last drunk incident) and he isn't going anywhere with his life (35, works part time at Target, has failed comm college 3 times, is a failed artist, lives at his parent's), whereas we're both in our mid-20s, and I'm a programmer/bartender.

 

Now we see each other about once a week, she says he is a great guy, treats her very well (he seems nice, but me and him obviously aren't the best of friends), and his only problem is a lack of ambition. She also continually uses the relationship to try to push my buttons - she asked if I wanted to watch them make-out over Skype, the other day, and last night she said to me "I'm apparently a very pretty partner", which just seems designed to elicit a response.

 

I know I've pushed her away by getting drunk and acting stupid, and acting very upset and annoyed at her, but we seemed to have a close connection before, we still seem to have some caring for each other. She wants to drive west with him (though last I knew, he was supposed to take a flight back) and she has been very insistent I come on the roadtrip too. She also said something like "Maybe he can get ambitious", thinking about taking him west, I think.

 

Like, is there any hope? I am 100% positive that, unlike previously, if a situation comes up with any opportunity, I will take it. This incident has transformed me as a person - I take more risks and I am much "ballsier" as a result, and I am very happy with the change. She seems to care for me, but seems to like the guy too, but I'm better for her (more in common, similar age, I've gone somewhere with my life).

 

What should I do?

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Why do you want to sleep with a woman that is f****ing another guy?

 

Why do you want a relationship with her while she is doing that?

 

You have some issues.

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Errr, I want to get her back, not sleep with her while she's dating the other guy. I.e. I want to win her back. She almost dropped him back in August, until I acted stupid. She only got close to him when I cut off contact for a month.

 

I don't want to date her WHILE she sleeps with him.

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Errr, I want to get her back, not sleep with her while she's dating the other guy. I.e. I want to win her back. She almost dropped him back in August, until I acted stupid. She only got close to him when I cut off contact for a month.

 

I don't want to date her WHILE she sleeps with him.

 

I do not like the concept of competing to get a woman back. If she decided to see the other guy she has already sent you a very strong message.

 

You are assuming she is f****ing the other guy to make you jealous and get you back. If you believe that then fight for her, but I actually believe she likes the other guy quite a bit.

 

It seems you had a chance and you treated her like a FWB. So she got tired of being FWB. Most women eventually get tired of being FWB.

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she's pushing to see if she can have you both. so this is the part where you tell her flat out "no, do not call me again".

 

whoever's fault it is doesn't really matter at this point.

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I don't believe she's sleeping with the other guy to make me jealous. I think she actually likes him. I also know that she (at least historically) has considered it temporary. She never treated me that way, and it was always implied that when she dropped him, he was done.

 

And yes, I treated her like a FWB, but I wanted more. I assumed she did not (all signs to the contrary). In fact, when she first introduced me to the guy, one of her first statements was "I wanted a guy who I could have an emotional connection with".

 

She only chose him after I acted very drunk and very stupid. Even after that, until I cut off contact for a month, she still wanted to travel west with me and considered him only a "guy that I'm ****ing", according to her.

 

I personally see nothing wrong with competing for a girl, even if she's chosen a guy, if you feel you have more to offer her and she considers the guy temporary anyway. It was more whether or not I have a chance.

 

I did not expect hatred about competing for a girl though, that is very odd! Plenty of people compete for girls.

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I did not expect hatred about competing for a girl though, that is very odd! Plenty of people compete for girls.

 

Sometimes the best way to compete is to walk away. This is also best for your dignity.

 

As long as she has you and the other guy eating out of her hand she has no pressure to decide.

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so are you still with the girl with the " tramp stamp "

 

 

i havent been following that thread

 

It ended a while back.

 

It was not the tramp stamp that ended the relationship. We were simply incompatible at several levels despite some good chemistry.

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