Not exclusive = allowed to date other people?

[rie39]

If you're dating someone who you're not exclusive with, are you, or they, allowed to see other people? what about sleeping with others - is it still considered cheating?

[oaks]

If you're dating someone who you're not exclusive with, are you, or they, allowed to see other people? what about sleeping with others - is it still considered cheating?

 

"cheating" suggests (to me) breaking some sort of promise. If neither person has promised to not see anyone else and it's understood that the dating relationship is not exclusive then I don't see how it can be cheating to see someone else. However, that doesn't mean the other person has to be happy about it, especially if they thought things were on a trajectory heading towards exclusivity.

[carhill]

If one is not exclusive, e.g. 'We agree to be committed to and intimate with only each other', then it's a free-for-all. Have sex with who you want, date who you want, whatever.

 

This is an area where compatible 'styles' are helpful and healthy...

 

'I only date one person at a time'

 

'I only have sex in an exclusive relationship'

 

'I feel we are free to explore any opportunity until being committed and I've done that'

 

Some examples of 'style'. As long as one is honest, these styles are not right nor wrong; they're individual perspectives on relationships. If they match up, then that. If not, that.

 

As an example, would someone who is intimate sexually only with their committed partner want to date someone who is polyamorous outside a committed relationship? Maybe. Try it and see. With more experience, one solidifies their style and boundaries and can make quicker and clearer choices.

[Buck Turgidson]

If you're dating someone who you're not exclusive with, are you, or they, allowed to see other people?

 

"Allowed?" Who's doing the "allowing?" Relationships are what the people in them agree they are. There's no Great Rule Book of Relationships that "allows" certain things and forbids others. If two people haven't agreed to be exclusive, then they're not breaking any agreements if they see other people.

 

what about sleeping with others - is it still considered cheating?

Considered by whom? The only people whose consideration matter are the people in the relationship. If you consider something cheating, you need to talk about it and make an agreement about it with your partner.

[Nexus One]

As long as you inform all the people who you're dating beforehand, that you'll be dating others and sleeping with others, then I think it's ok. Then they can choose to opt out. If you don't disclose that to people who you're dating, then feelings will likely get hurt, because a lot of people don't know or understand the unspoken rules of exclusivity. Some will be thinking they're dating you for a relationship, while at the same time you're f*cking other men. People will get hurt that way.

 

Personally I wouldn't want to date a woman that is sleeping with other men. If she's not single or if she's involved with other men, then no game.

 

I see it as a huge red flag when a woman and I would be dating for a relationship, while at the same time she'd be f*cking other men and she kept me in the dark about that. It's disrespectful, disloyal, indecent and unethical in my opinion. The same goes if the genders would be reversed though.

 

If I would find out a woman pulled that sh*t on me, then I'd immediately stop dating her.

[Nexus One]

There's no Great Rule Book of Relationships that "allows" certain things and forbids others.

 

It's called respect, ethics, decency and loyalty from the very start. Some people understand those concepts, some people don't.

[Mrlonelyone]

Yes.

 

Commitment is never implied, it is always an explicit promise. Unless you have had a talk, then both of you are free to keep looking.

[Buck Turgidson]

It's called respect

 

"Respect" means to hold the other person's feelings, thoughts, and desires in esteem. If you haven't had a discussion about that person's feelings, thoughts, and desires about exclusivity, then you can't respect them, because you don't know them. Respect for the other person is NOT assuming that you already know what their preferences, thoughts, and feelings are, and that they must match your own. That's the opposite of "respect."

 

ethics, decency

Philosophers still haven't agreed on an objective system of ethics or aesthetics. Some people, like you, believe that ethics is behaving in one particular predetermined way. Other people, like me, believe that ethics is the process of thinking about the consequences of your actions, taken on a case-by-case basis, including thinking about the desires of others.

 

Diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks. If you haven't included your intended in your discussions of what is respectful, ethical, or decent, then you're not being as respectful, ethical, or decent as you'd like to be. By assuming that the relationship is a particular way before having a discussion about it, you're not having a relationship. A relationship involves two people making decisions together, not one person making decisions for both. But, of course, YMMV. Perhaps you can find someone who really wants to be taken in hand.

 

loyalty

Absolute loyalty to someone you've just met is foolhardy.

 

a lot of people don't know or understand the unspoken rules of exclusivity

That's why you can't assume that there are any. YOUR "unspoken rules" are not THE "unspoken rules." Since everyone has different assumptions about the rules of their relationships, you have to actually discuss them with each other.

 

Some people understand those concepts, some people don't.

Indeed.

[Nexus One]

"Respect" means to hold the other person's feelings, thoughts, and desires in esteem. If you haven't had a discussion about that person's feelings, thoughts, and desires about exclusivity, then you can't respect them, because you don't know them.

 

So in essence you're saying: "I can lie to you, I can screw you over and I can hurt you...because hey, I don't know you."

 

GREAT WAY to start a relationship Buck, really.

 

Philosophers still haven't agreed on an objective system of ethics or aesthetics. Some people, like you, believe that ethics is behaving in one particular predetermined way. Other people, like me, believe that ethics is the process of thinking about the consequences of your actions, taken on a case-by-case basis, including thinking about the desires of others.

 

Yeah play that game. Now you're saying: "I can lie to you, I can screw you over and I can hurt you...because hey, philosophers don't all agree about the definition of ethics."

 

Try telling that to a crying woman once you broke her heart.

 

By assuming that the relationship is a particular way before having a discussion about it, you're not having a relationship. A relationship involves two people making decisions together, not one person making decisions for both.

 

But that's not what I'm saying. A'll I'm saying is that it's unethical to date someone for a relationship, but then date others and f*ck others, while keeping everyone in the dark that you're doing that. Then nobody can opt out, because everything is kept hidden and silent.

 

Absolute loyalty to someone you've just met is foolhardy.

 

When that person is your potential future husband or wife, then it's not that hard to stop f*cking other people while you're dating them. You do it out of respect for your future SO.

 

I know guys who use arguments like these, they're players, they f*cked hundreds of women, broken many hearts, left many girls crying, get drinks thrown at them by women in the bar. But they just laugh at those women.

 

The people I've seen justifying this sh*t haven't seen how the dynamics of this works out in reality. It's all theoretical to them.

 

According to people who justify this, you can date a person for a relationship, then after the date you can stand up and go home to f*ck your friends with benefits. Try telling your husband or wife in the future that you did that while you were dating. And then see how he or she feels about that. Then call me back about respect and ethics.

[Mrlonelyone]

@nexus

 

All anyone is saying is that commitment cannot be assumed. If someone does not promise to be true, then there is no reason to expect it.

[Nexus One]

@nexus

 

All anyone is saying is that commitment cannot be assumed. If someone does not promise to be true, then there is no reason to expect it.

 

With that I agree. But I don't agree that THAT justifies f*cking other people while you're dating for a relationship while keeping everyone in the dark that you're doing that. It takes the possibility to make an informed choice away from people the people you're dating.

 

There's a reason why many people keep it silent/secret when they do things like that, it's because they KNOW that doesn't reflect well on them and they KNOW it could hurt people they're dating for a relationship.

Edited October 26, 2011 by Nexus One

[Mrlonelyone]

With that I agree. But I don't agree that THAT justifies f*cking other people while you're dating for a relationship while keeping everyone in the dark that you're doing that. It takes choice away from people.

 

Ah.

 

Then how does one know they are dating "for a relationship" Vs. just casual dating?

[Nexus One]

Ah.

 

Then how does one know they are dating "for a relationship" Vs. just casual dating?

 

By communicating from the start. When I want to date a girl/woman for a relationship, I'll let her know pretty much instantly.

Edited October 26, 2011 by Nexus One

[Mrlonelyone]

By communicating from the start. When I want to date a girl/woman for a relationship, I'll let her know pretty much instantly.

 

Then we actually agree. The OP says nothing about any such talk.

 

No exclusivity talk at some point ==> free to date others (as long as one is honest about that).

[Cypress25]

If you're dating someone who you're not exclusive with, are you, or they, allowed to see other people? what about sleeping with others - is it still considered cheating?

 

Have the two of you discussed this? If you have and you both agree that you're not exclusive, then you're both free to date other people. If you have not discussed this, then I suppose you could assume that you're free to date other people, but it would be safer to talk about it before you make assumptions.

[Duckduckgoose]

It's called respect, ethics, decency and loyalty from the very start. Some people understand those concepts, some people don't.

 

 

Umm... respect and decency would be telling the person up front that unless ya'll are exclusive they are going to be seeing other people as well.

 

Loyalty... pssht... if I am not in an exclusive relationship with someone my loyalty is only to myself in the regard of what physical acts I do and with whom.

 

Don't act like you're in a relationship with someone when you're not, it can set you up for disappointment if/when they pull the plug on taking things to the next level.

 

"Dating" is just that. Seeing different people to find who you click with most. If you are an exclusive kind of dater, that's fine. If not, that's fine too.

 

I think there is a little bit of advantage to dating more than one person. It makes you seem like more of a catch because there is more than one person vying for your attention. Its also going to show you how two people you might consider as a partner handle jealousy because if they know you are seeing another person as well they will probably become a little green-eyed about it.