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2nd UPDATE: Boyfriend's best friend is a bit of a jerk, boyfriend takes his side


Rosa Tamora

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Original post here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=302134

 

and here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=302351

 

To sum it up:

Boyfriends best friend has been sort of obnoxious towards me since I met him in July. I ask BF to ask his best friend J to take it down a notch. BF talks to best friend and they both agree I'm making a big deal out of nothing and he tells me this and tells me to "get over it".

Argument is to and fro on Monday and Tuesday, resolved on Tuesday evening. Wednesday I decide to come clean about not feeling comfortable about moving in with both of them. I only met my BF in June this year. I explained to him I'd been really burned in a relationship earlier this year and had to move out and it was rough on me. I asked for another 3 months.

BF promptly dumps me for changing my mind on Wednesday. Says I screwed him over because now he and his best friend have to find a place of their own and its going to cost them more money. I tell him he is making a mistake and this is relationship can be worked out. Then I leave.

 

Thursday a.m. he texts me and says we can try to work on it.

Doesn't call, but continues to text that he is confused and wants to do his own thing this weekend. He says he needs to "think and get moved and see how things settle in" and that he "doesn't have much to say right now"

I don't know what that means?

He says he wants to work on things but we're not working anything out here.

 

Then this morning he texted me "what's up".

I responded an hour later saying "nothing much, going to grocery shop"

and then heard nothing back.

 

Sheesh. I don't know what is going on. He wants to work on things, but then says he is confused. Then says he wants to do his own thing this weekend and i totally say yeah go ahead but then messages me at 11 a.m.

 

:confused::confused:

Whats his deal. Now I am confused.

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Original post here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=302134

 

and here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=302351

 

To sum it up:

Boyfriends best friend has been sort of obnoxious towards me since I met him in July. I ask BF to ask his best friend J to take it down a notch. BF talks to best friend and they both agree I'm making a big deal out of nothing and he tells me this and tells me to "get over it".

Argument is to and fro on Monday and Tuesday, resolved on Tuesday evening. Wednesday I decide to come clean about not feeling comfortable about moving in with both of them. I only met my BF in June this year. I explained to him I'd been really burned in a relationship earlier this year and had to move out and it was rough on me. I asked for another 3 months.

BF promptly dumps me for changing my mind on Wednesday. Says I screwed him over because now he and his best friend have to find a place of their own and its going to cost them more money. I tell him he is making a mistake and this is relationship can be worked out. Then I leave.

 

Thursday a.m. he texts me and says we can try to work on it.

Doesn't call, but continues to text that he is confused and wants to do his own thing this weekend. He says he needs to "think and get moved and see how things settle in" and that he "doesn't have much to say right now"

I don't know what that means?

He says he wants to work on things but we're not working anything out here.

 

Then this morning he texted me "what's up".

I responded an hour later saying "nothing much, going to grocery shop"

and then heard nothing back.

 

Sheesh. I don't know what is going on. He wants to work on things, but then says he is confused. Then says he wants to do his own thing this weekend and i totally say yeah go ahead but then messages me at 11 a.m.

 

:confused::confused:

Whats his deal. Now I am confused.

 

I guess he's expecting that you'll respond by saying something like "yes, we'll work it out, take all the time you need, blah blah".

 

BUT. Personally, I find this approach of his really passive-aggressive. After dumping you, he texts to say he wants to work it out, then texts again to say that he doesn't want to talk right now but needs time, then texts again to find out why you aren't texting him constantly to reassure him.

 

This push-pull thing of his sucks. He needs to just CALL and be direct, for God's sake. "I'm confused. But I want to work it out. I'd like to talk everything over on XX day and see where we are." Which would give you the chance to respond directly, with "OK, I can talk that day," or "No, I don't want to wait that long," or "I'm confused too, I'm not sure what you need to think about," or WHATEVER. Like a real conversation.

 

So, to sum up - what he's doing is being passive-aggressive. Clearly he doesn't want to break up, but he doesn't want to do the brave thing and call you to talk it over. He wants YOU to do that work. Annoying, since he's the one who broke up with you out of the blue. :mad:

 

My advice, for what it's worth, is that if you do want to work this out with him, send him a note that cuts through the fog and just says, "I want to work it out too, but I was giving you space because you said you didn't have anything to say right now. So we can talk on Monday." Something concrete. This wishy-washy thing of his is irritating. I would actually advise you to call rather than text - despite the fact that his message seemed to be telling you not to call because "he doesn't have much to say". :eyeroll: Clearly, though, that's not true because he keeps texting you. So I think that gives you license to call and get things moving.

Edited by serial muse
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WhiteChocolate

I agree with serial muse.

 

However, if I were you, even though I don't get mad easily I DO have a bit of temper. And if my boyfriend ever treated me like he did you, such as:

1) brushing it aside when his best friend disrespected you,:mad:

2) DUMPED you when you expressed concerns about moving in, and:mad::mad:

3) isn't picking up the fking phone to call you, and instead is just dancing around the issue, texting instead of confronting it, :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

 

I would say screw it and let HIM come crawling back. After all, he's the one who dumped you. Make him prove that he won't do it again.

 

In fact, I probably wouldn't take him back at all.

 

...but this is your choice :)

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So get this:

after I texted him back and was casual about stuff (I'm going grocery shopping)...he texted me back again later at night at 11 p.m. asking "How did shopping go?"

 

*rolling my eyes*

 

So I just mentioned I went wall-climbing with a friend.

Then after an hour he texts me again and says "I think I found an apartment up north..."

So I just respond with "Oh nice."

 

Sunday morning he messages me, asked if I want to come over. I tell him I'm busy at the store and have plans with my cousin in the afternoon. He's all "well can you come over for just 2 hours?"

 

It's like he woke up lonely in bed and realized what an idiot he was and is clamoring to have me come over.

I ask him "Well, do you have a bunch of flowers ready for me if i come over? I'm kinda busy. I'm at the store"

 

Then he keeps on with :

"are you here yet?"

"where are you?"

"Are you close by?"

"I'm going to take a shower and clean up. Are you on your way?"

 

LOL!!!!!!

 

I go over later and we make up. But I moved very slowly with him. We talked abit about the issue but it was mostly about him being confused why I didn't want to move in even though I said I would and I had been excited about it.

I explained the best I could and he said he still doesn't get it, but at least he wasn't so resistant. Seemed like he listened more, which is an improvement. :rolleyes:

 

Today maybe I'll try to cover the "You can't just simply dump a girl because she's not ready to move in with you.... you wuss" with him.

One thing at a time I guess.

Let's see how it goes. LOL.

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Imo his text were a suggestion that he is open to accept your apologies. While he did dump you, you said you weren't ready to move in with him, you broke your promise and made life complicated for him and his friend, so it's entirely possible he thinks you owe him one and not the other way around. And frankly, I don't think he's wrong on that.

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That the man sides with a long time friend is not necessarily a bad thing. Look at it this way.

 

All cordial relationships with non blood relatives are in essence friendships. Different levels and depth's of friendships but friendships none the less. He has known this person longer than he has known you. He has had more than one woman come and go but his friend has always been there.

 

This is a sign of good judgement and good character since such a person is more likely to be just as loyal to a long term, permanent romantic partner. That said real loyalty of that kind needs to be earned with time.

 

If you end up being this mans wife and hopefully best friend in the world and he still sides with this person then it's a problem. For now you are "just" a girlfriend. In a month you could walk out of eachothers lives for any one of a million reasons with no real consequences.

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Disenchantedly Yours

Girl, I don't often advocate that people break up because of an issue but this isn't just an issue. This is an entire attitude that your guy has and it's just plain crappy.This guy has displayed more red flags then the Nazi's in Germany.

 

BF promptly dumps me for changing my mind on Wednesday. Says I screwed him over because now he and his best friend have to find a place of their own and its going to cost them more money. I tell him he is making a mistake and this is relationship can be worked out. Then I leave.

 

DANGER. DANGER.

 

Lets take a look at what he is really concered about because he isn't concered about you. He plainly tells you what he is annoyed about. The fact that *him* and his *best friend* can't get a place on their own because of the money. He has repeatidly taken his friends side. A friend mind you, that he as admited acts like a douche but hasn't stood up for you. He expects that you will just move in with him and this friend that treats you like crap and then, when you don't perform like a monkey on a string, he breaks up with you because of how he interupts his treatment of him and his friend. He's annoyed with you but he didn't give a crap when his friend was treating you like junk. Again, he doesn't care about your feelings. And this relationship is going to lead to nothing but heartbreak. He has made no real or sincere effort to make things up with you. He has made no real or sincere effort to make you more comfortable with his friend. I don't care if he knew his friend for 1 million years. You are now in his life and if he wants you to remain in his life, he needs to make some kind of effort instead of acting like a spoiled two year old getting his toys taken away. Seriously, get out of this relationship. Not only has this guy shown you what he is about, he is friends with a guy that is douchie. A man's friends say alot about the man himself.

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That the man sides with a long time friend is not necessarily a bad thing. Look at it this way.

 

All cordial relationships with non blood relatives are in essence friendships. Different levels and depth's of friendships but friendships none the less. He has known this person longer than he has known you. He has had more than one woman come and go but his friend has always been there.

 

This is a sign of good judgement and good character since such a person is more likely to be just as loyal to a long term, permanent romantic partner. That said real loyalty of that kind needs to be earned with time.

 

If you end up being this mans wife and hopefully best friend in the world and he still sides with this person then it's a problem. For now you are "just" a girlfriend. In a month you could walk out of eachothers lives for any one of a million reasons with no real consequences.

 

How am i going to earn his loyalty if he throws a tantrum about me not wanting to move in with him and his friend (yet)...and dumps me, when all I did was be truthful about how I feel. Would he rather I pretend and move in and be resentful i wasn't true to myself? Or how bout if I just cut off ties without attempting to communicate at all? i did it with the best intentions in mind, I didn't want to strain the relationship by moving in when I'm not ready.

 

You're right though about girls coming and going in his life. This guy has been severely hurt before. When he was 19 the girl he was dating got pregnant and she ran away from him with his child without even telling him. He found out later and contacted her, he asked her to be with him because he clearly cared for her and the unborn baby, but she rejected him. The child is now 11 years old and he has only been able to see her a few times because they live in N. Dakota and he's in Seattle.

He told me about his daughter on our 2nd date and started tearing up about it too, which really surprised me because he seemed like the happy go lucky skater-snowboarder guy...and here he was talking bout how he wishes he could see his daughter more often. I don't think it was BS because I've seen pics of him and her while she was a babym and he looks SO happy playing with her and doting on her. I was really surprised because you'd never know, he hid it so well and I'm guessing because it hurts to think or talk about it so he pretends to have no emotions about it at all. Until he opened up and told me though.

 

I don't know if this and other rejections and dissapointments have anything to do with his insecurities i.e. breaking up with me the moment I assert that I want to wait abit to move in....i wonder if he thought i was trying to run away and so decided he would break my heart first before I can hurt him.

It is hard to chip away at a hardshell.....but I want to try because deep down I know he is a really good guy at heart. Just a bit weathered.

 

Any thoughts or similar experiences would be most helpful. Thanks.

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Girl, I don't often advocate that people break up because of an issue but this isn't just an issue. This is an entire attitude that your guy has and it's just plain crappy.This guy has displayed more red flags then the Nazi's in Germany.

 

 

 

DANGER. DANGER.

 

Lets take a look at what he is really concered about because he isn't concered about you. He plainly tells you what he is annoyed about. The fact that *him* and his *best friend* can't get a place on their own because of the money. He has repeatidly taken his friends side. A friend mind you, that he as admited acts like a douche but hasn't stood up for you. He expects that you will just move in with him and this friend that treats you like crap and then, when you don't perform like a monkey on a string, he breaks up with you because of how he interupts his treatment of him and his friend. He's annoyed with you but he didn't give a crap when his friend was treating you like junk. Again, he doesn't care about your feelings. And this relationship is going to lead to nothing but heartbreak. He has made no real or sincere effort to make things up with you. He has made no real or sincere effort to make you more comfortable with his friend. I don't care if he knew his friend for 1 million years. You are now in his life and if he wants you to remain in his life, he needs to make some kind of effort instead of acting like a spoiled two year old getting his toys taken away. Seriously, get out of this relationship. Not only has this guy shown you what he is about, he is friends with a guy that is douchie. A man's friends say alot about the man himself.

 

Thanks for the comment.

In regards to this: You are now in his life and if he wants you to remain in his life, he needs to make some kind of effort instead of acting like a spoiled two year old getting his toys taken away.

--- You are definitely right and I agree he needs to know this too. I know my worth. I don't know if HE KNOWS what he is doing wrong though. I don't know if he's ever had a girl communicate this type of things with him or call him out on things. Probably not...so before I walk away, if I do, I'd like to try to get through to him. He's even gone as far to admit to me that sometimes he doesn't know the right thing to say to me that will make things better.

If he still resists, then I may have to call it quits.

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Disenchantedly Yours
Would he rather I pretend and move in and be resentful i wasn't true to myself?

 

That's exactly what he wants. He wants you to shut up and just take whatever his friend dishes to you and just go along for the ride with him and his best friend and smile the whole time.

 

You're right though about girls coming and going in his life. This guy has been severely hurt before.

 

His hurt from his past doesn't give him the right to act out toward you in anyway.

 

You are only justifying his behavior.

 

I know he is a really good guy at heart. Just a bit weathered.

 

seriously, what do you want people to say to you? Are you only looking for people to reinforce the idea of you working on this relationship? If so, you really don't need tobe posting about this question. You already made up your mind. You're going to let him treat you anyway he wants because you think he is a good guy at heart and his past hurts make you feel all warm and fuzzy toward him.

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WhiteChocolate
That the man sides with a long time friend is not necessarily a bad thing. Look at it this way.

 

All cordial relationships with non blood relatives are in essence friendships. Different levels and depth's of friendships but friendships none the less. He has known this person longer than he has known you. He has had more than one woman come and go but his friend has always been there.

 

This is a sign of good judgement and good character since such a person is more likely to be just as loyal to a long term, permanent romantic partner. That said real loyalty of that kind needs to be earned with time.

 

If you end up being this mans wife and hopefully best friend in the world and he still sides with this person then it's a problem. For now you are "just" a girlfriend. In a month you could walk out of eachothers lives for any one of a million reasons with no real consequences.

I think you make some really great points here.

 

However, I still think that a man who sides with a friend who is acting like a jerk to his girlfriend has some issues. Just my 2cents. :o

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That's exactly what he wants. He wants you to shut up and just take whatever his friend dishes to you and just go along for the ride with him and his best friend and smile the whole time.

 

 

 

His hurt from his past doesn't give him the right to act out toward you in anyway.

 

You are only justifying his behavior.

 

 

 

 

seriously, what do you want people to say to you? Are you only looking for people to reinforce the idea of you working on this relationship? If so, you really don't need tobe posting about this question. You already made up your mind. You're going to let him treat you anyway he wants because you think he is a good guy at heart and his past hurts make you feel all warm and fuzzy toward him.

 

I'm not justifying anything. We're all products of our environment and we all have our own baggage we're trying to deal with.

I notice alot of "You are going to do this..." and "you don't really need to be doing this"...you are starting to sound really accusatory in this post.

I'm seriously not "looking" for anything from readers here other than an honest opinion. You don't see my point of view on this, that's fine. I'm not expecting you to do so, just don't get all hissy about it and don't claim to know that I have made up my mind on something, when I clearly stated above that I am not 100% sure about it and even said "If he still resists, then I may have to call it quits."

Course I am not going to let him treat me anyway which way he wants. Quit being so pushy.

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It is hard to chip away at a hardshell.....but I want to try because deep down I know he is a really good guy at heart. Just a bit weathered.

 

Any thoughts or similar experiences would be most helpful. Thanks.

 

 

The hard part is it takes time to earn that loyalty. You are right now "just" a girlfriend. Someone he likes allot, and has sex with and you like him allot. However that could all end.

 

I also know what it's like to have a child out there and not having anything to do with it. It's not a good feeling and in reality males are basically powerless in family court unless they can afford a really good lawyer. Unless the mother changes her tune, he is not going to get to see that child of his more, if ever. So that's going to be an issue. (An issue that best friend of his has likely helped him deal with while sooo many women....just ran and called it a "red flag". All the more reason to side with the best friend.)

 

 

Here is what I would do with you if I were in your situation. I am a transgender woman, while I have some experience with women I have mostly dated men. I have also been privy to what men say when they think no women are around (and vice versa). Men have a saying "Bro's before Hoes". Unless a woman is a man's wife or wife matterial he will not sell out his friends for the sake of a relationship. There are just too many women in the world and such relationships are too transient to justify that.

 

If I was with a man and I could handle not being #1 right off the bat then I would just stick by him and be the best GF he could have. Support him and treat him how I would want to be treated.

 

If you can't handle not being #1 from day 1 or even year 1 then walk away. (Which will only reinforce the wisdom of not dropping other friendly relationships for the sake of "romance". )

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I think you make some really great points here.

 

However, I still think that a man who sides with a friend who is acting like a jerk to his girlfriend has some issues. Just my 2cents. :o

 

This is the problem. I love when men are loyal friends, but when they choose to be BLINDLY loyal to someone who is acting badly towards someone else they owe their loyalty and affection to, especially a SO, that's a problem. The greater problem, however, was this man throwing basically a temper tantrum when the OP asserted herself and simply said she was not comfortable moving in with them, due to the dynamic, which is entirely reasonable if the GF and the BF's friend don't get along so well---they SHOULDN'T exacerbate that by living together, and a sensible BF who wanted a solution would SEE that. Instead, he only saw that it would inconvenience him. That's selfishness, not loyalty.

 

The hard part is it takes time to earn that loyalty. You are right now "just" a girlfriend. Someone he likes allot, and has sex with and you like him allot. However that could all end.

 

And it did end --- the second she did something he didn't like, he threatened to break up with her, telling her all she needs to know about how strong or useful his love, affection, loyalty, and so on for HER would be. If they're anywhere near discussing LIVING together, they need to be on a page where he at least respects and wants to hear her feelings and have her live in a place she feels comfortable.

 

At any rate, OP, try if you like, but I doubt this works out: This guy does not care about your feelings anywhere near as much as he cares about his OWN, or he wouldn't have reacted this way. Selfish people make bad partners.

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This is the problem. I love when men are loyal friends, but when they choose to be BLINDLY loyal to someone who is acting badly towards someone else they owe their loyalty and affection to, especially a SO, that's a problem. The greater problem, however, was this man throwing basically a temper tantrum when the OP asserted herself and simply said she was not comfortable moving in with them, due to the dynamic, which is entirely reasonable if the GF and the BF's friend don't get along so well---they SHOULDN'T exacerbate that by living together, and a sensible BF who wanted a solution would SEE that. Instead, he only saw that it would inconvenience him. That's selfishness, not loyalty.

 

 

 

And it did end --- the second she did something he didn't like, he threatened to break up with her, telling her all she needs to know about how strong or useful his love, affection, loyalty, and so on for HER would be. If they're anywhere near discussing LIVING together, they need to be on a page where he at least respects and wants to hear her feelings and have her live in a place she feels comfortable.

 

At any rate, OP, try if you like, but I doubt this works out: This guy does not care about your feelings anywhere near as much as he cares about his OWN, or he wouldn't have reacted this way. Selfish people make bad partners.

 

zengirl is right on the money.

 

As I said in response to the OP's very first post on this - sure, he has a right to his feelings and to not want to be changed. Sure, they've only been dating a short while - which is exactly why she SHOULDN'T move in with him.

 

And she's got a right to her feelings, as well. Unlike the BF, the OP actually tried to talk about it and figure out a compromise. Not living with him IS a compromise, I'd say - she's not saying to him "change your behavior," she's saying, "I'm not comfortable so I'm just going to create some distance from that behavior." Pretty mature, actually. At which point he broke up with her. :rolleyes: That's on him, and no, she does NOT need to apologize to him for HIS drama.

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This is the problem. I love when men are loyal friends, but when they choose to be BLINDLY loyal to someone who is acting badly towards someone else they owe their loyalty and affection to, especially a SO, that's a problem. The greater problem, however, was this man throwing basically a temper tantrum when the OP asserted herself and simply said she was not comfortable moving in with them, due to the dynamic, which is entirely reasonable if the GF and the BF's friend don't get along so well---they SHOULDN'T exacerbate that by living together, and a sensible BF who wanted a solution would SEE that. Instead, he only saw that it would inconvenience him. That's selfishness, not loyalty.

 

 

 

And it did end --- the second she did something he didn't like, he threatened to break up with her, telling her all she needs to know about how strong or useful his love, affection, loyalty, and so on for HER would be. If they're anywhere near discussing LIVING together, they need to be on a page where he at least respects and wants to hear her feelings and have her live in a place she feels comfortable.

 

At any rate, OP, try if you like, but I doubt this works out: This guy does not care about your feelings anywhere near as much as he cares about his OWN, or he wouldn't have reacted this way. Selfish people make bad partners.

 

Zengirl, thanks for your comment, you make alot of good points here. I really appreciate it. And you're right, selfish people don't make good partners.

I'm going to try to sit down and talk it out with him. If he throws another fit, I will walk away and not look back. And everyone here is right about the fact that he had the right to be mad i changed my mind at the last minute, but he shouldn't have broken up with me like that. I knew that from the beginning that is why I was baffled and dissapointed.

 

From what I understand about relationships, there are a few stages. I am just now past the honeymoon-tingly stage. I'm deep in the "Can we sort this out" stage. Most relationships tank at this point.

I'm going to give this talk a shot, and see how it goes.

 

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Even if it was a little pushy. ;)

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Someone should explain to the bf's friend that not everyone has a sense of humour.

 

Shouldn't be surprising I don't take your side though lol.

 

Anyhow, aren't leases one year? I don't think "give me three months" works in a logical these are the steps to buy a house, here's what you have to do, sense.

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The bf wants to live with all three of you. His friend wants to live with all three of you. You are demanding to live with just you and the boyfriend. The boyfriend is the selfish one?

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The bf wants to live with all three of you. His friend wants to live with all three of you. You are demanding to live with just you and the boyfriend. The boyfriend is the selfish one?

 

She's opting out of the living situation. She didn't try to kick the friend out of it; she said she'd find a living space elsewhere if they wanted to room together. Why should she have to live somewhere she is uncomfortable? How does that sound productive?

 

They are not opting out because they are not uncomfortable. But a loving SO would not want his/her partner to live somewhere they were uncomfortable if it could be avoided, and in this case it would: They just don't move in together!

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The bf wants to live with all three of you. His friend wants to live with all three of you. You are demanding to live with just you and the boyfriend. The boyfriend is the selfish one?

 

Oh, puhlease. They've only been dating a few months, so just how long do you REALLY think that plan was even in the works? How much disruption do you REALLY think this caused? Come on. It is not that hard to find another roommate. And - NO, she was not demanding to live with just him. She was saying the two of THEM could live together and she'd do something else. Sounds pretty reasonable to me, actually.

 

Yes, it's a bit aggravating, but not as aggravating as, I don't know, your SO brushing off your concerns and then breaking up with you when you voice them and then texting repeatedly to say he doesn't want to break up but he doesn't have anything to say and why aren't you responding to his texts, etc. etc.

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