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why do women string men along and then cancel at the last minute?


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Old 15th October 2011, 1:30 AM   #1
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why do women string men along and then cancel at the last minute?

so this girl I've been seeing for a little over a month just canceled on me for the second time. Everytime we go out we have a blast and she texts afterward what a great time she had can't wait to see me again...blah, blah. Then in between dates she is distant, blows me off and cancels. Why does this crap happen?
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Old 15th October 2011, 2:05 AM   #2
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There are several possibilities. For example she might multidate, and you are a second or third preference. On the other hand a more likely possibility is that she is just flighty (a. Given to capricious or unstable behavior. b. Characterized by irresponsible or silly behavior.)
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Old 15th October 2011, 2:10 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by Lobouspo View Post
so this girl I've been seeing for a little over a month just canceled on me for the second time. Everytime we go out we have a blast and she texts afterward what a great time she had can't wait to see me again...blah, blah. Then in between dates she is distant, blows me off and cancels. Why does this crap happen?
I'm assuming you're young. Behavior like that is one of the privileges women get: the ability to be rewarded for flaky behavior.
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Old 15th October 2011, 2:28 AM   #4
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Thanks for the responses. I'm actually not that young and have been through the dating meatgrinder. I guess what confuses me is why would she pay sometimes when we went out and say what a great time she had and then blow me off?
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Old 15th October 2011, 2:36 AM   #5
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I guess what confuses me is why would she pay sometimes when we went out and say what a great time she had and then blow me off?
Do it a few times yourself and you'll understand better why.

Since you're not young, can I ask if you've been married? Marriage cured me of all my dating ills. Nothing about women surprises or distresses me anymore. Annoys me, sure, but even that is rapidly transitory
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Old 15th October 2011, 2:41 AM   #6
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Because you let her...simple as that.
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Old 15th October 2011, 2:50 AM   #7
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Thanks carhill....been reading threads on this site for awhile, and have always appreciated your sage advice...I have never been married, and I have been canceled on and stood up before. I guess the mixed signals just threw me for a loop. How do you all keep from getting jaded with whole dating process when this stuff happens?
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Old 15th October 2011, 2:57 AM   #8
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Like I said, getting married put it all in perspective. Once you've been through that grinder, dating is like a vacation

ETA, more seriously, what I initially shared was my single most important breakthrough on the dating front, that being treating women exactly as they had historically treated me and feeling good about it; being true to my needs and desires. If I 'changed my mind', I did. If I 'felt different', I did. Their feelings were their own. I'm not responsible for them.

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Old 15th October 2011, 3:08 AM   #9
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It could be a number of reasons. Did she give a reason why she cancelled?

She is probably not stringing you along. One explanation is that she is experiencing conflicting feelings. When people have a great time they feel positive emotions, but the experience also brings any past unresolved emotions to the surface. If the person is unable to deal with those unresolved emotions or is not sure what to make of those emotions in the context of their current dating partner, they experience conflicting feelings which results in the behavior you have noticed. In your situation, she has to resolve those unresolved emotions on her own.
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Old 15th October 2011, 3:17 AM   #10
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Thanks westrock...no reason just went to voicemail and she apologized. One piece of info...she is going through a custody dispute with her ex who was also abusive toward her. On top of that her father committed suicide when she was 12 and she found the body. So probably a lot of issues with men in general. Is this just too much baggage to deal with?
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Old 15th October 2011, 3:23 AM   #11
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Another tidbit I learned from marriage and dating is that, generally, women who are hot for a guy don't share their baggage with them until it's 'safe', as in committed. Why give him a reason to bolt? Not so hot? Disclose. Cold? Make him into the therapist.

'My ex and I had a knock-down, drag-out tonight and I'm just not feeling like going out'

'OK, give me a call in the future if/when you feel more conducive to dating'

Then I summarily forget her. Bad timing. Probably still attached to the ex (I know from vast experience with MW's). Currently incompatible. Next potential.
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Old 15th October 2011, 3:38 AM   #12
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Fair enough, but in general someone going through a bitter custody dispute with the ex who was abusive and finding her father dead by suicide at age 12. Could that explain the flaky behavior? And is that too much baggage to take on given the obvious emotional trauma she has gone through?
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Old 15th October 2011, 3:43 AM   #13
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This is not a gender-specific trait, by any means. There are lots of threads on here about guys pulling the same thing.
From my own experience, I tend to easily cancel on a guy when I am not very interested. I am never "too tired" after work to go on a date, or "under the weather" or "something came up and I have to be out of town" with a guy I really want to see.
I very easily have no problem cancelling on a guy with any of those reasons if I am not that interested in him. In fact, me cancelling is basically code for "I'm not interested, but if I get bored I might go out with you at another date, but don't hold your breath."
I'm sorry if this is too blunt.
I really don't cancel very often but the times I have, the only reason was because I wasn't that into the guy.
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Old 15th October 2011, 3:50 AM   #14
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What was that line from Men in Black about the planet always being in imminent danger of total destruction?

OP, sincerely, you show me a woman who's had a life of unicorns and rainbows and I'll show you a woman I've never met, at any level, from casual friend to wife.

For me, the education started at about 15, holding a friend's mother in my arms while he fought off his dad who had been beating her. If I thought it didn't get any worse than that, I was being grossly optimistic.

I know you mean well, but it's not your problem. The world is full of these women and they surround you. I'll guarantee you that none of them care one whit about your life struggles and challenges. They just don't. They're too full of their own. That's not wrong. It is, however, not conducive to a balanced and equal relationship potential at this time.

Her plate is full. Hear her words. Perhaps, when it's not so full, you are the type of man she could have a healthy relationship with. Bad timing. Sucks.
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Old 15th October 2011, 4:11 AM   #15
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Thanks carhill, some good insight from you as usual. I have erased her number and decided to move on. Was tempted to call back and ask for an explanation but really no point because it does not matter. And back into the dating meat grinder I go!!
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