Rosa Tamora Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) Original Thread here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=302134 So my bf and I applied for a place on Oct 8th, but after all this and my own nerves about moving in with a guy after knowing him for only 4 months, I decided it was too soon and I'm not ready. I know, I know I shouldn't have agreed in the first place, but I was excited about it. Then after much thought I decided to tell him I can't and I need a few more months. I called him at work to tell him because I figured he needs to know ASAP. Bad idea, because we both didn't have time to discuss why I changed my mind or why I need more time. He said "ok" twice and "I'll talk to you later then" which is his standard thing on the phone. I called him after work at 6 :30 p.m. and he said he wasn't sure about us anymore. I drove over to see him and talk about it and explain why. I had lived with a guy before this and got burned so bad. When we broke up if was the crappiest thing to have to move etc. I just didn't want that to happen again. I said: "I just need a few more months. We don't have to break up" "this is how I feel. I cannot force it and I'm sorry I let you down and changed my mind" BF said: "You don't have any confidence in me" "You should have told me sooner" "You're too sensitive" "Now I have to look for another place with J and they will run my credit again" "We had a great relationship and now I don't think this is going to work because now it's just all awkward between us" Then he BROKE UP WITH ME. Edited October 13, 2011 by Rosa Tamora Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 It's all about him. BTW, as a landlord, unless you were the primary and who had the credit check run on, your departure is a non-issue. I'd just change the rental agreement to the two men only and they'd be co-tenants. Circumstances change. All that said, considering the factors you related, I think it worked out for the best, meaning you not moving in. What happens between you and him otherwise remains to be seen. Right now is a low point in relations and can be transitory. These points teach us things. Hope it works out Link to post Share on other sites
Jynxx Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Good that you made a decision and were quick and fair about it OP, gl in the future. BTW, as a landlord, unless you were the primary and who had the credit check run on, your departure is a non-issue. I'd just change the rental agreement to the two men only and they'd be co-tenants. Circumstances change. Well, that and rent for both of them would be 50% higher. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 What Carhill said. Sounds like once you asserted yourself, he wasn't interested. He's not into you unless you do what he wants you to --- that's bad news. It sucks, but you're better off without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rosa Tamora Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 We both applied for it on Saturday and I put the money down on it to hold the apartment. i am just NOT ready to move in with 2 guys, even though I was excited about that at first. After alot of thought I figured I just need more time and told him so. I knew he would be pissed about it, because I am going back on my word, but I cannot ignore my own gut that is telling me I need more time and my own space for just a few more months. I am so dissapointed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rosa Tamora Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 Good that you made a decision and were quick and fair about it OP, gl in the future. Well, that and rent for both of them would be 50% higher. Only BF and I applied for it. Then the 3 of us was supposed to go in to the office and sign the lease together on 10/23. There is rental agreement confirmed yet because we didn't sign anything. I lost my $200 in the process because I put that money down to hold it but I would rather do that then rush in, and then become resentful that I didn't listen to myself in the first place. I have a spine! He has PLENTY of time to find another location. There are 3 weekends before Nov 1st and his credit score is pretty good, like in the 600s. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Well, that and rent for both of them would be 50% higher.Correct, and, as they are jointly and severally liable for the rent, as long as they pass the credit and background check, I don't discriminate. Other than their references from prior landlords, an employment check, and credit check, I have no idea whether any of them will be paying the rent each month. They're contracting to do it. After that, what happens happens. In the OP's case, if they were maxed out with all three people contributing, that could be an impetus to seek other housing. While a hard credit check will hit the FICO a point or two, mainly if the applicant has a lot of other inquiries (meaning they have been seeking credit), it's not anywhere near the specter the fBF is making it out to be. In all likelihood, his credit is probably lousy anyway. I've rarely met a tenant whose wasn't. In any event, it's all good information for the OP. She made a choice. He made a choice. Life goes on. ETA, if you lose the 200 (I'd suggest seeking to recover it), consider it tuition at relationship U. Link to post Share on other sites
wezol Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Original Thread here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=302134 So my bf and I applied for a place on Oct 8th, but after all this and my own nerves about moving in with a guy after knowing him for only 4 months, I decided it was too soon and I'm not ready. I know, I know I shouldn't have agreed in the first place, but I was excited about it. Then after much thought I decided to tell him I can't and I need a few more months. I called him at work to tell him because I figured he needs to know ASAP. Bad idea, because we both didn't have time to discuss why I changed my mind or why I need more time. He said "ok" twice and "I'll talk to you later then" which is his standard thing on the phone. I called him after work at 6 :30 p.m. and he said he wasn't sure about us anymore. I drove over to see him and talk about it and explain why. I had lived with a guy before this and got burned so bad. When we broke up if was the crappiest thing to have to move etc. I just didn't want that to happen again. I said: "I just need a few more months. We don't have to break up" "this is how I feel. I cannot force it and I'm sorry I let you down and changed my mind" BF said: "You don't have any confidence in me" "You should have told me sooner" "You're too sensitive" "Now I have to look for another place with J and they will run my credit again" "We had a great relationship and now I don't think this is going to work because now it's just all awkward between us" Then he BROKE UP WITH ME. Sorry to hear that but Screw em' Link to post Share on other sites
silvermercy Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 It worked out for the best. Once you applied some control, suddenly you were not for him. He made it out to be your fault and placed money/credit over you. Relationships don't dissolve just for that alone. It speaks volumes for his character. It's still sad but you'll be fine. Better now than later. Link to post Share on other sites
ffw Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Original Thread here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=302134 Sorry to hear Rosa. If a relationship isn't meant to be, then the sooner the breakup occurs the better it will be. Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 It worked out for the best. Once you applied some control, suddenly you were not for him. He made it out to be your fault and placed money/credit over you. Relationships don't dissolve just for that alone. It speaks volumes for his character. It's still sad but you'll be fine. Better now than later. I strongly agree with this. Honestly, I feel you dodged a bullet here--this man seems self-absorbed and weak in character. You were sex and money and maybe a laugh, but you weren't love to him, you rated only the bare minimum in respect and consideration. As carhill said, consider this a trip to Relationship U. While there's nothing wrong with living with a boyfriend, the circumstances were ridiculous...don't let your heart overtake your head so thoroughly next time, take your time to think things out a little first before making any commitments. But don't feel too bad about leaving him in the lurch, either, you just stood up for yourself before things went too far, nothing wrong with that. Hopefully he will learn a little lesson here too: if you want to move in with your girlfriend and have her help you with the bills, try not acting like a fratty douchebag. Time to move on. Go ahead and experience your disappointment and frustration, and then just keep on moving. Onwards and upwards. Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I am so dissapointed. Don't be. You definitely dodged a bullet. He sounds totally immature and not even remotely ready to be in a grown-up relationship, particularly one that involves cohabitation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rosa Tamora Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 I don't have any sympathy for you Rosa. I wouldn't want to have a girlfriend that couldn't make up her mind. You've messed him around and he has a right to be angry. You two weren't going to work, so it was best it ended now and not later on. Best of luck on your next relationship. he has every right to be angry. I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to be mad. Of course he does. I know I would be pissed too, but I would not act out of anger and dump someone you say you love so much and you want to eventually have a house together and 2 kids someday. Did that all mean nothing to him then? I only asked for extended time on this matter. I don't love him any less than yesterday. Sorry but i disagree with you. Life is everchanging, but love is a constant. My love for him has not changed, only my decision to not move in with him right now. I just needed more time, and judging by the fact I've only known him for 4 months, my cold feet is there for a valid reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rosa Tamora Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 I strongly agree with this. Honestly, I feel you dodged a bullet here--this man seems self-absorbed and weak in character. You were sex and money and maybe a laugh, but you weren't love to him, you rated only the bare minimum in respect and consideration. As carhill said, consider this a trip to Relationship U. While there's nothing wrong with living with a boyfriend, the circumstances were ridiculous...don't let your heart overtake your head so thoroughly next time, take your time to think things out a little first before making any commitments. But don't feel too bad about leaving him in the lurch, either, you just stood up for yourself before things went too far, nothing wrong with that. Hopefully he will learn a little lesson here too: if you want to move in with your girlfriend and have her help you with the bills, try not acting like a fratty douchebag. Time to move on. Go ahead and experience your disappointment and frustration, and then just keep on moving. Onwards and upwards. Thank you! Onwards and upwards. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 he has every right to be angry. I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to be mad. Of course he does. I know I would be pissed too, but I would not act out of anger and dump someone you say you love so much and you want to eventually have a house together and 2 kids someday. Did that all mean nothing to him then? I only asked for extended time on this matter. I don't love him any less than yesterday. Sorry but i disagree with you. Life is everchanging, but love is a constant. My love for him has not changed, only my decision to not move in with him right now. I just needed more time, and judging by the fact I've only known him for 4 months, my cold feet is there for a valid reason. Sure, he has a right to feel put out, in that he has to find another roommate. However - it's not THAT big of a deal; as you say, he has time AND you're even willing to give up the money you put down! (I doubt he'll have the grace to thank you for that, either.) I really honestly think the bigger issue is that he wasn't willing to consider your point of view at all; instead, he went nuclear and just broke up with you. In his mind, apparently, it was just your problem, and your problem alone - "you're too sensitive" is really just another way of saying "I won't compromise." I too think you dodged a bullet. This is not a desirable quality in a partner! Have confidence in your own instincts - they're good. Link to post Share on other sites
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