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Boyfriend's best friend is a bit of a jerk, boyfriend takes his side.


Rosa Tamora

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I've been dating my guy since June this year and in July his best friend moved up to our state to find a job here. It's been rather difficult at times because his best friend J has a pretty crass and vulgar sense of humor. When the 3 of us hang out, he makes alot of comments about women he sees on the streets, or while I'm talking he will tell my bf "oooh check out that chick that short skirt! Hooooweeeeh". Just little obnoxious things like that.

I"ve commented on his behaviour to my boyfriend and how it sometimes is a little too much for me. I'm from a pretty reserved upbringing and I'm not used to this type of behaviour.

Initially my guy would agree that J is a little too much at times but would give reasons and assure me that he will get better.

Yesterday the last straw for me was when J said (or joked) that he would stab me in the eye in response to something I said, then followed up by saying he will fling **** in my eye. I don't feel like I deserve this, joking or not. I have only known this guy for less than 4 months, I don't understand why he thinks its ok to talk to me like this.

 

Finally I told my bf about this and that it bothers me and he needs to talk to J and tell him to tone it down abit. The 3 of us are supposed to move into an apartment together in November and I just want to establish healthy boundaries. Bf said "Ok fine. I don't see what the big deal is, but I can talk to him. That is just how he is though".

He talks to J about this, but then comes back to tell me they BOTH agree that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. It's upsetting to me because this guy is disrespectful towards me, and my bf totally is taking his friend's side and then tells me "it's time for you to get over it" and that he is just being honest with his opinion. omg. !!! That really hurt my feelings. He is just making it worse.

 

So tell me:

1) Am I being oversensitive by voicing my concerns about this. I tolerated this behaviour for a while and finally stepped up and talked to my bf about this.

2) My bf telling me to "get over it". I feel like that is out of line. What do you think?

 

I don't feel like moving in with these two. It's just going to be a guy-show.

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WhiteChocolate

Do NOT move in with these two guys! I had a friend like this who was as sweet as could be, but one of his friends was just made me :mad::mad::mad::mad:. And then I realized that my friend who was outwardly so sweet because he actually attempted to keep some resemblance of decency actually shared a lot of dark humor, dirty jokes, and basic disrespect towards women. He just hid it better.

 

But threatening to "stab you in the eye" is NOT okay! Making disrespectful comments about the bodies of random women is NOT okay! Even more upsetting is the fact your boyfriend did not defend you when his friend threatened to fling **** in your eye. I know if one of my friends ever said that to another friend I would end the friendship on the spot. And be very embarrassed and apologize greatly to the threatened friend.

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Quit being such a nag. If you had such an uptight and conservative upbringing, I hope you aren't having sex with your boyfriend then. Why don't you get a sense of humor and learn that boys will be boys? Does everything everyone does have to submit to your neurotic comfort zone?

 

Believe it or not, some guys just don't know how different women are and innocently rough house with them (verbally), it's not something meant to hurt you , quite the opposite it's a sign of affection and him wanting to be chums with you. If I was your boyfriend, I'd tell you the same thing. How many times do us men have to live through the horror of women bringing their female friends over and listen to them flap their gums about everything from vampire soap operas to Lady Gaga :sick:

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WhiteChocolate
Quit being such a nag. If you had such an uptight and conservative upbringing, I hope you aren't having sex with your boyfriend then. Why don't you get a sense of humor and learn that boys will be boys? Does everything everyone does have to submit to your neurotic comfort zone?

 

Believe it or not, some guys just don't know how different women are and innocently rough house with them (verbally), it's not something meant to hurt you , quite the opposite it's a sign of affection and him wanting to be chums with you. If I was your boyfriend, I'd tell you the same thing. How many times do us men have to live through the horror of women bringing their female friends over and listen to them flap their gums about everything from vampire soap operas to Lady Gaga :sick:

1) Crass comments about women in the streets is degrading and not funny.

2) Telling someone, no matter how jokingly, that you will stab them in the eye, is NOT okay. Especially your best bud's gf.

 

If this is a sign of affection, I guess rape is the ultimate expression of love. I know connecting this to rape might be a tad extreme; however, the basis is the same. This friend is treating Rosa in such a way in which she feels disrespected. Rosa isn't comfortable being "chums" with him. He needs to respect that, instead of dismissing her concerns.

 

So boys will be boys. But this friend should grow up and be a MAN.

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Disenchantedly Yours

Rosa Tamora, you are not over-reacting. And yes, if you move in with your boyfriend and his obnoxious friend, it will be a "guy show". But this goes beyond just a guy show. This isn't just guys being guys. Guys being guys are when they get over involved in the football game or spend a little too much time playing Halo. This is just out right disrespect from your boyfriend's friend and unfortunetly, you're boyfriend as well. This friend has repeatidly displayed disrespectful behavior towards you and your boyfriend has undermined your feelings when you have tried to talk about it with him.

 

Talking over you to point out hot women in the street isn't just a matter of being socially ackward. It's just purposely rude. Making a comment as horrific and violent that he would stab you in the eye is insanely creepy. And no, you totally don't deserve it neither should you have to keep tolerating it because your boyfriend's friend is "just like that". Other people don't get to make abusive comments and display rude behavior just beacuse they are "just like that".

 

Here is something I have learned within my own relationships. A man's friends are a reflection of an aspect of himself. Men associate with other men that reflect things in themselves. Your boyfriend is friends with this guy because he doesn't mind his behavior. And he certainly doesn't really mind his behavior toward you. The fact that your boyfriend and his friend "talked" about the issue and "they" agreed that you were making a big deal tells you something monumental for your relationship. That you are not really want matters and that your feelings certainly don't. Currently, your boyfriend is in a deeper relatoinship with his friend then he is with you. You should be upset. And I would seriously consider getting a new boyfriend if I where you. I do not often advocate people just break up because of issues. But this isn't just an issue. Your boyfriend is completely disrespecting and belitting you in favor of his friend. I would really re-evaluate this relationship.

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WhiteChocolate

I completely agree with everything Disenchantedly Yours said.

 

And my anecdote in my first post about my seemingly sweet friend supports her last paragraph about a man's friends being a reflection of their personalities. This is absolutely true.

 

Would you be best friends with someone who didn't share your values and sense of humor? Of course not. So I agree; maybe you could take a second look at your bf as well.

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OP, don't listen to the poster above. There are a lot of bitter male trolls on this board who are taking out their frustrations on women for constantly being rejected. Ignore them.

 

You are NOT being overly sensitive and I strongly caution you from moving in with these two guys. If I were you I'd be disturbed that my boyfriend doesn't respect me enough to stand up for me. Even if he doesn't personally think it's a big deal (which is weird in itself), he should respect that it hurts your feelings. Either he doesn't respect you enough or he is too spineless to confront his friend (is he the more passive one in their friendship?) or both. None of these possibilities look good.

Edited by torn_curtain
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I understand why you are upset about it but trying to come in between a man and his friends is usually a complete exercise in futility. We might not be all touchy touchy with each other but bonds between men are very hard to break. He should at least have the decency not to act like this in front of you though.

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I understand why you are upset about it but trying to come in between a man and his friends is usually a complete exercise in futility. We might not be all touchy touchy with each other but bonds between men are very hard to break. He should at least have the decency not to act like this in front of you though.

 

If the OP's boyfriend feels more loyalty to his assclown friend than her, then all the more reason why she should dump him.

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It depends how close they are. Would you drop a friend who might not be perfect but she means a lot to you because a man said so?

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It depends how close they are. Would you drop a friend who might not be perfect but she means a lot to you because a man said so?

 

I'm not saying he should drop his friend but he should certainly tell his friend to cut it out, which he hasn't even done. If I had a friend who was constantly insulting my boyfriend, I asked her kindly to stop and she continued, yes I would probably end my friendship with her because she wasn't treating either me or my significant other with respect.

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Disenchantedly Yours

I'm sorry but we aren't talking about a friend that just isn't "perfect". We are talking about a friend that talks over her to point out hot women and told her he would both stab her in the eye and throw crap into it.

 

I understand why you are upset about it but trying to come in between a man and his friends is usually a complete exercise in futility. We might not be all touchy touchy with each other but bonds between men are very hard to break. He should at least have the decency not to act like this in front of you though.

 

How is she coming inbetween her boyfriend and his friend when his friend is the one treating her poorly? Perhaps a better way to look at it is that his friend shouldn't try to come between her and her boyfriend.

 

For someone that has a very passionate view on how men are treated and the level of respect they are treated with, I am completely angered with you on this topic Woogle that you are entirely down playing the way both this friend and her boyfriend are treating her. I guess as long as men act a certain way behidn a woman's back it's all good to you. But if they do it to her face, the most important thing here is making sure the men in the situation are happy even if it's at her expense. And currently, in this situation, it's entirely at her expensive.

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I'm not saying he should drop his friend but he should certainly tell his friend to cut it out, which he hasn't even done. If I had a friend who was constantly insulting my boyfriend, I asked her kindly to stop and she continued, yes I would probably end my friendship with her because she wasn't treating either me or my significant other with respect.

 

I agree that he should tell his friend to cut it out. I have friends that are not exactly mr sensitive when it comes to women but they know not to disrespect my wife.

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Disenchantedly Yours
I agree that he should tell his friend to cut it out. I have friends that are not exactly mr sensitive when it comes to women but they know not to disrespect my wife.

 

Well, then that's alright. As longas they don't disrespect your wife but they disrespect other women in general, everything is A Okay.

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Well, then that's alright. As longas they don't disrespect your wife but they disrespect other women in general, everything is A Okay.

 

I don't think they disrespect women. They just mess around with women as scummy is they are. I have cut off friends for having affairs and rubbing it in my face but for the most part I consider friends to be like family and if they are that close you don't drop them because they do something you don't agree with.

 

Would you cut off a friend because of how she treated a man?

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People who behave like that aren't just going to stop behaving that way if their friend asks them to behave. Just saying.

 

I think you three moving in together is just a bad idea in general. Your boyfriend's friend should get his own place. When it comes to a relationship, then three can be a crowd.

 

I anticipate problems.

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Disenchantedly Yours
I don't think they disrespect women. They just mess around with women as scummy is they are. I have cut off friends for having affairs and rubbing it in my face but for the most part I consider friends to be like family and if they are that close you don't drop them because they do something you don't agree with.

 

Would you cut off a friend because of how she treated a man?

 

I use to have a friend that started to talk really negative about men. I couldn't have a conversation with her without her justifying some negative stereotypes or eye roll for a man in her recent exploits. I couldn't be friends with her anymore for that reason.

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Oh jeez the controlling hens are out in full force, this is worse than an episode of the View... So when women are around men should they keep their thoughts to themselves when a "hot guy" passes by or when they want to talk about how "hot" so and so celebrity is? Because they do it all the time. If not it's a double standard.

 

The guy is saying so and so woman is hot, not her boyfriend. What the hell is it to the OP what her boyfriends friend's opinion of women is? People have different opinions, if you don't like them either debate them or ignore them, this is a free country. You could argue that his friends opinions reflect his own as much as you can argue his girlfriends opinions do. Maybe he's in between.

 

Regardless , the solution is to simply avoid hanging out with them together. Let him have days where he hangs out with his friend and other days where he hangs out with you. Or go into another room when he's around, I doubt he'll care, you're not his girlfriend. His buddy doesn't seem to have an issue with the nagging of OP, so why does it have to be a "either him or me" scenario women love oh so very much? In my case I've had the same friends for almost 10 years, and they've been around through thick and thin... if a woman I'm dating tried to come in between us or was all self-righteous about them I'd laugh her out of my life.

Edited by Wolf18
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WhiteChocolate
Oh jeez the controlling hens are out in full force, this is worse than an episode of the View... So when women are around men should they keep their thoughts to themselves when a "hot guy" passes by or when they want to talk about how "hot" so and so celebrity is? Because they do it all the time. If not it's a double standard.

 

The guy is saying so and so woman is hot, not her boyfriend. What the hell is it to the OP what her boyfriends friend's opinion of women is? People have different opinions, if you don't like them either debate them or ignore them, this is a free country. You could argue that his friends opinions reflect his own as much as you can argue his girlfriends opinions do. Maybe he's in between.

 

Regardless , the solution is to simply avoid hanging out with them together. Let him have days where he hangs out with his friend and other days where he hangs out with you. Or go into another room when he's around, I doubt he'll care, you're not his girlfriend. His buddy doesn't seem to have an issue with the nagging of OP, so why does it have to be a "either him or me" scenario women love oh so very much? In my case I've had the same friends for almost 10 years, and they've been around through thick and thin... if a woman I'm dating tried to come in between us or was all self-righteous about them I'd laugh her out of my life.

It would be indecent for me to remark on how hot so-and-so guy is around my male friends as well. I understand how some women do this (some friends of mine do so) but I find it extremely shallow, and therefore I am not close with those friends at all. But they are all into Korean pop stars, so we have fundamental differences in the way we view men anyways.

 

Although her bf is not the one expressing those opinions, the way her bf's friend leers at women in her presences makes her uncomfortable. It is rude and crass for him to do so; I don't see what's so wrong about asking him to stop. It's just like someone going up in front of you and saying over and over, "YOUR FACE IS UGLY." They have a legal right to do so, but is it decent for them to continue doing it? Of course not.

 

You completely ignored the fact that her bf's friend threatened to stab her eyes out.

 

I don't understand how you consider the OP nagging when she is trying to come to a peaceful conclusion. As a woman, I dislike, not love, an "either-him-or-me" scenario with my (non-existant) bf. However, if a friend of his was disrespecting me in such a way and my bf dismissed my concerns as if I were a little child, I would be annoyed and probably dump him.

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They both sound like jerks. What he is doing is gas lighting you and putting you down. As a couple you should be able to share any fears or problems without fear of this happening. I don't think there's anything wrong with getting an eyeful of other hot girls, but to do it in from of your gf is just plain douchebaggy. It's a simple rule of relationships. Of course you'll all find people attractive but it is very demeaning to your SO if comments like those are made.

 

As for the stabbing in the eye part... well there's not much I can say about that except DROP THEM BOTH!! It boggles my mind that anyone can say this to someone that they will be moving in with soon. And I'd be worried that your bf was all fine with it. Everyones true colours are revealed at one stage, and just be glad you found you're dating a jerk before you moved in.

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Do you lot actually think he threatened to stab her in the eye?

 

What he said is the equivalent of a well-intentioned "Hey... if you say that again I'll have no choice but to kick your ass!" between friends. There is no violent intent, and the idea that there might be is laughable.

 

Being offended by something is a choice. Being offended by something clearly meant in humour is just uptight.

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Do you lot actually think he threatened to stab her in the eye?

 

What he said is the equivalent of a well-intentioned "Hey... if you say that again I'll have no choice but to kick your ass!" between friends. There is no violent intent, and the idea that there might be is laughable.

 

Being offended by something is a choice. Being offended by something clearly meant in humour is just uptight.

 

Finally, a voice of reason.

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Yesterday the last straw for me was when J said (or joked) that he would stab me in the eye in response to something I said, then followed up by saying he will fling **** in my eye. I don't feel like I deserve this, joking or not. I have only known this guy for less than 4 months, I don't understand why he thinks its ok to talk to me like this.

 

What exactly did you say to him? Was it rude or a personal attack?

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I hate to bring up the men vs women thing that I really am trying to get away from but I have to wonder what the responses would be if the genders were reversed.

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Do you lot actually think he threatened to stab her in the eye?

 

What he said is the equivalent of a well-intentioned "Hey... if you say that again I'll have no choice but to kick your ass!" between friends. There is no violent intent, and the idea that there might be is laughable.

 

Being offended by something is a choice. Being offended by something clearly meant in humour is just uptight.

 

That is just tasteless though. I don't see any humour in that, and I'm sure most other people wouldn't either. As a guy I joke around with my friends a lot but have never heard anything like this before. It just screams low class and low intelligence.

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