LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating

Sex without an emotional connection


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11th October 2011, 2:19 PM   #1
Established Member
 
ScienceGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 1,628
Sex without an emotional connection

I have been on 5 dates with this guy. He is nice and I have a good time when we are together. Our dates have all been about 2 weeks apart so we've been in touch for the past 2 months. We laugh a lot and I feel comfortable around him. But, there is not the intense attraction that I've had with previous partners. I am questioning if I can feel a real spark with anyone right now, so I didn't want to just write him off (maybe I just need time, and things are moving slowly enough that I don't feel pressured). He seems like a really good guy, so I decided to keep dating him. We have not talked about a relationship other than that neither of us is in a rush to settle down because we want to find the right person.

I decided the other night that I wanted to have sex with him. I just really really wanted to and I was sure of it. We were out, having a great time, and it's almost an hour ride home for me, so I asked if I could sleep at his place. This is the first time that I have ever wanted sex before I had a strong emotional connection to anyone. And he asked me twice if I was sure, making me feel as though his intentions are good. Afterwards and the next morning he wanted to cuddle, rub my back, kiss my arms and shoulders. He was extremely sweet and said he can't wait to see me again. I don't feel regret at all, I genuinely had a good time. I do worry that he might want more from me in terms of a relationship, but I'm not going to assume that.

Since the split with my ex 4 months ago I haven't "felt" anything. I seem incapable of caring. I still find joy and humor in things, but I do not find as much saddness...perhaps because I am carrying a sort of saddness inside me all the time. I don't know. What I do know is that in terms of building a deeper connection with another man, it's just not there. I have nothing to give other than my time and company. I'm not sure if this is a just a phase or if I am a different person now. It feels really strange. I hope to return to a wiser version of the way I was before (loving, a romantic, optimistic).

I'm not sure where this will lead. I know they say that sex tends to complicate things, but I have always waited until I was in an established relationship... so, I really don't know what to expect. I suppose I'll keep going about my life and face questions/decisions as they are presented.

I am wondering if anyone has any experience or insight to offer.
Thank you.
__________________
"If someone is willing to risk losing you from their life, let them." -me.

Last edited by ScienceGal; 11th October 2011 at 2:27 PM..
ScienceGal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2011, 2:33 PM   #2
New Member
 
mimi0297's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 6
Cool From experience

Although I'm young, I've had experiences with "loveless sex", and I can tell you that you have a decision to make. You need to think about how this man is going to think of you, and how much you care about what he thinks. Any time I'm in such a situation, I make it clear that my intentions are not to have a relationship just because I feel that my partner deserves to know what to expect. By having sex with him, you're leading him to think that you either want something more serious, or that you just want a friend with benefits-type of relationship. The way he treats you depends on that. I completely understand that after ending a serious relationship we're often left unable to have any real romantic feelings for people, but remember to take into consideration the fact that the guy you had sex with might have stronger feelings for you (or he might not). Women tend to connect by talking and spending time together, but men tend to connect by having sex. Just remember that while you don't want to hurt anyone, you also have to think about yourself first, and pain that is brought on by honesty is easier to deal with than pain that is brought on by lies Good luck!
mimi0297 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2011, 2:51 PM   #3
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3,888
Quote:
Originally Posted by In A Rut View Post
F.W.B's and casual sex hardly ever works because one of the two people ends up getting emotionally attached and ultimately hurt when the other person doesn't feel the same way.

If people just want to have sex off a whim, either have a ONS or go and see a prostitute/giggalo, don't hurt good men and women just so you can get your quick fix of sexual gratification.
I think the key is just to find someone who won't get emotionally attached to you. (And if you get emotionally attached, well then at least you're only breaking your own heart, which I've always found is much easier to deal with.)

I've run into plenty of guys who would happily take what they could get and not get attached. So it's just a matter of finding those particular guys and getting the sexual gratification from them.
verhrzn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2011, 2:56 PM   #4
Established Member
 
ScienceGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 1,628
Thank you to those who were not rude in their responses.

He and I did both say that we aren't looking to rush into a relationship. Also, we didn't just hop into bed. We talked about it first, but did not discuss how it would affect 'us'. And, we've discussed previous relationships, both of us had exes that treated us poorly.

I was looking for advice from anyone that has been in my situation or has any useful thoughts, so thank you for not giving a rude response. It is possible that he might feel exactly the same way I do and he is ok keeping things as they are. Also, he has been with women purely for sex before.. there is no bad guy in this scenario.

Last edited by ScienceGal; 11th October 2011 at 2:58 PM..
ScienceGal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2011, 3:29 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3,888
Quote:
Originally Posted by In A Rut View Post
Easier said than done I suppose. I reckon one person will end up attached, no matter what they say etc.
Guess I've always been "lucky" in that I'm the one that gets attached. Maybe girls who need a sexual gratification fix just need to make themselves undesirable somehow so guys won't get attached to them... It's always worked well for me.
verhrzn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2011, 3:46 PM   #6
Established Member
 
ScienceGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 1,628
Quote:
Originally Posted by HotRodney View Post
Okay, well I've been in your "situation" many, many times
I have never been in this situation, which is why I am posting.

and do you know what girls just like you used to call me? A pig and a manwhore and worse. And if I'd done the exact same thing to your sister or best friend, gone on a few dates and then boned her knowing full well she's really into me and I'm not into her, you'd all be proclaiming me public enemy number 1.
I don't bash people on here looking for advice. Had you posted the same thing I did, I wouldn't have responded rudely. And, I do not know "full well" that he is really into me, and neither do you. Don't project negative thoughts of your past behavior on me and use it to name call.

You acted like a selfish pig...sometimes the truth hurts.
And if he never calls, or calls to say he just wants to be friends, then is he a pig? No, he isn't. We were both consenting adults.

Although it may sound like I'm being very judgmental about your using this guy purely for your pleasure the truth is I'm not. I'm just laughing at you for your ridiculous attempts to justify it and for your moronic hypocrisy

I don't mind hearing the cold hard truth, but name calling is not helpful. Maybe tell me why in the past you've had emotionless sex (as you wrote) knowing "full well" that those women were into YOU? Why did you do it and have you stopped that behavior? Why did you stop?

I am not dating anyone else or trolling around for sex, I am not looking to hurt anyone. Also, I'm not looking to justify anything, as I haven't done anything wrong.
I feel like you're quick to judge and are not only condemning right me off the bat, but are overlooking some of the things I have pointed out.
ScienceGal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2011, 3:57 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Ruby Slippers's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: in the moment
Posts: 7,859
I started my current (and first) FWB relationship thinking that if I was totally honest with him all along, I was in the clear. And this is true.

But his attachment has clearly grown (honestly, mine has, too), and now things are getting a little more intense. He's asked me to pick a side: all in, or out.

I think it's fine to have FWB relationships as long as you are 100% honest. But go into it knowing that feelings are likely to grow, and be prepared to deal with those changes as they emerge.

All that said, I have learned and enjoyed a TON from this 3-month FWB relationship. He and I have agreed to communicate with 100% honesty, and it's been amazing. I feel that I understand myself, men, relationships, sex, love, and a lot of things better than I did before. So I don't regret it, and I'm pretty sure I'll have terrific memories of it for life.
__________________
"One day it was suddenly revealed to me that everything is pure spirit." -Ramakrishna
Ruby Slippers is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2011, 4:00 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Male, 55, in Sunny Cali
Posts: 35,551
Journal Entries: 38
If the intimacy you shared doesn't speak to you, I'd suggest moving on. It sounds like not only don't you feel an emotional connection, you also have a dearth of obvious attraction to him. This may be 'chemistry' (lack of) or merely timing due to your prior circumstances. It's unknown.

That he would act in a loving and tender manner after sex indicates that, unlike yourself, he's feeling something positive here. This disparity of feeling perhaps is reconcilable, but I wouldn't let the schism go on too long if it continues.

Personally, I've never had sex without an emotional connection nor intimacy. I can't speak for my partners as their true thoughts and feelings are unknown. I also have a hard time being attracted to a lady if there is a dearth of 'connection'. That's my style. One data point.
carhill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2011, 4:02 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Beachgirl8's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: At the beach
Posts: 278
When I split from my ex after an 8 year relationship, it was a solid year before I "felt" anything for anyone. I was just numb. I couldn't feel anything positive or negative towards new prospects romantically. I did go on dates, have fun, enjoy the others company, laugh, and I did have sex with one for awhile. He had just been dumped by his gf of several years and neither of us wanted to be seriously dating anyone. I wouldn't call it a FWB, it didn't feel like that to me and I don't think it felt like that to him either. It just felt like wrong timing. I still like te guy and we are now friends, although I haven't talked to him in about a year. It just kind of fizzled out and that's when I began to actively date with intention to form a new relationship.

I don't know if that's helpful or relevant, but that's what I experienced. It sounds to me like your guy might be looking for more than mine was. Just be really honest with him while trying not to hurt his feelings. It's possible you might have a change of heart if you start seeing him more frequently and continue to be physical.

And I'd like to chime in and say I don't know what is up with the posters who are being rude and abrasive. It's unnecessary and certainly not helpful, so buzz off.
Beachgirl8 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2011, 4:27 PM   #10
Established Member
 
ScienceGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 1,628
Quote:
Originally Posted by HotRodney View Post
As I stated earlier, I don't think what you did makes you a bad person. I just find the double standard and hypocrisy amusing and enjoy pointing it out. If you were a guy posting this exact same thing about how you used a girl who's totally into you for sex you'd be hard pressed to find any woman here who'd agree with or support you. But since you're a chick and you candy coated it with a lot of flowery language all of sudden it's okay.

I shouldn't have said I hope your pussy swells shut or called you names. I apologize, that was somewhat immature. I'm sure you're a very nice person and probably someone I'd enjoy hanging out with...at least I know you put out
Apology accepted. I understand what you're saying about a double standard. One exists for people that choose to have multiple sexual partners without getting emotionally involved. I feel women are looked at as 'whores' or 'sluts' buy men aren't labeled much of anything except maybe a 'player'. At any rate, this is certainly not what I am doing. I genuinely enjoy spending time with this guy and am not using him as my personal sex toy. He is not disposable to me. I'm reflecting on what just happened and what it means both to myself and to the relationship between him and I.

He has been distant the whole time we've been dating. It has been very casual, we text a couple times a week between dates and that's it. If his tune
changes now and he starts contacting me more, then I'll know he's more into me and I'll have to address that honestly, and I will.
ScienceGal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th October 2011, 4:35 PM   #11
Established Member
 
ScienceGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 1,628
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruby Slippers View Post
I started my current (and first) FWB relationship thinking that if I was totally honest with him all along, I was in the clear. And this is true.

But his attachment has clearly grown (honestly, mine has, too), and now things are getting a little more intense. He's asked me to pick a side: all in, or out.

I think it's fine to have FWB relationships as long as you are 100% honest. But go into it knowing that feelings are likely to grow, and be prepared to deal with those changes as they emerge.

All that said, I have learned and enjoyed a TON from this 3-month FWB relationship. He and I have agreed to communicate with 100% honesty, and it's been amazing. I feel that I understand myself, men, relationships, sex, love, and a lot of things better than I did before. So I don't regret it, and I'm pretty sure I'll have terrific memories of it for life.
Thank you so much for sharing. And I think you're right that feelings are likely to grow eventually. And who knows, those feelings could be mine!

Quote:
Originally Posted by carhill View Post
If the intimacy you shared doesn't speak to you, I'd suggest moving on. It sounds like not only don't you feel an emotional connection, you also have a dearth of obvious attraction to him. This may be 'chemistry' (lack of) or merely timing due to your prior circumstances. It's unknown.

That he would act in a loving and tender manner after sex indicates that, unlike yourself, he's feeling something positive here. This disparity of feeling perhaps is reconcilable, but I wouldn't let the schism go on too long if it continues.

Personally, I've never had sex without an emotional connection nor intimacy. I can't speak for my partners as their true thoughts and feelings are unknown. I also have a hard time being attracted to a lady if there is a dearth of 'connection'. That's my style. One data point.
Very insightful and thought-provoking, as always. Thank you carhill.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beachgirl8 View Post
When I split from my ex after an 8 year relationship, it was a solid year before I "felt" anything for anyone. I was just numb. I couldn't feel anything positive or negative towards new prospects romantically. I did go on dates, have fun, enjoy the others company, laugh, and I did have sex with one for awhile. He had just been dumped by his gf of several years and neither of us wanted to be seriously dating anyone. I wouldn't call it a FWB, it didn't feel like that to me and I don't think it felt like that to him either. It just felt like wrong timing. I still like te guy and we are now friends, although I haven't talked to him in about a year. It just kind of fizzled out and that's when I began to actively date with intention to form a new relationship.

I don't know if that's helpful or relevant, but that's what I experienced. It sounds to me like your guy might be looking for more than mine was. Just be really honest with him while trying not to hurt his feelings. It's possible you might have a change of heart if you start seeing him more frequently and continue to be physical.

And I'd like to chime in and say I don't know what is up with the posters who are being rude and abrasive. It's unnecessary and certainly not helpful, so buzz off.
It is helpful. Thank you.

I have some thinking to do even before he and I have any sort of discussion about what happened. When the time comes (I know it is inevitable), I just need to be clear and honest with myself and with him.
ScienceGal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th October 2011, 9:53 PM   #12
Established Member
 
ScienceGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 1,628
I've been thinking about this a lot.

I was in a position of thinking that he probably isn't invested, and I wasn't either.. so why not just be in the moment. It's something I'd never done before.

Since last weekend, when we had sex, he has been in touch more. I was out of town this weekend and he checked in with me each day. He called once, even though he hates the telephone. He is being more forward with making me feel welcomed. He stopped by today and we chatted for a while and made plans for this coming weekend. So, what I am seeing is that he actually might care and be genuine.

I believe the real issue here is not me being unable of making an emotional connection, it's whether or not I trust enough to. Whether I am ready to. Whether I want to be in that vulnerable position. He seems like a really nice guy and the more I talk to him, the more I like him. That is actually scary. I don't know if I will let myself develop real feelings for him.

In the back of my mind I am waiting for him to pull the rug out from underneath me. Going into all of our dates so far I've been a fun-loving, straight-forward with a 'what ever happens happens' attitude. I haven't worried for a moment whether he would contact me and want to see me again. He would either like me, or not. Life goes on.

Talking to him tonight was great though. I actually didn't want him to leave. sigh. I am going to do my best to keep my emotions in check. I suppose going on the way it has been will allow me to really determine whether he is a nice guy. And if he brings up any conversation about what he and I are in terms of a relationship, then I will just deal with it then.

Moving on when feeling completely and totally emotionally burnt out is something I've never experienced. I feel like this is not an uncommon struggle for people, I just wanted to throw it out there in case anyone has thoughts.
ScienceGal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th October 2011, 10:11 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 215
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScienceGal View Post
I've been thinking about this a lot.

I was in a position of thinking that he probably isn't invested, and I wasn't either.. so why not just be in the moment. It's something I'd never done before.

Since last weekend, when we had sex, he has been in touch more. I was out of town this weekend and he checked in with me each day. He called once, even though he hates the telephone. He is being more forward with making me feel welcomed. He stopped by today and we chatted for a while and made plans for this coming weekend. So, what I am seeing is that he actually might care and be genuine.

I believe the real issue here is not me being unable of making an emotional connection, it's whether or not I trust enough to. Whether I am ready to. Whether I want to be in that vulnerable position. He seems like a really nice guy and the more I talk to him, the more I like him. That is actually scary. I don't know if I will let myself develop real feelings for him.

In the back of my mind I am waiting for him to pull the rug out from underneath me. Going into all of our dates so far I've been a fun-loving, straight-forward with a 'what ever happens happens' attitude. I haven't worried for a moment whether he would contact me and want to see me again. He would either like me, or not. Life goes on.

Talking to him tonight was great though. I actually didn't want him to leave. sigh. I am going to do my best to keep my emotions in check. I suppose going on the way it has been will allow me to really determine whether he is a nice guy. And if he brings up any conversation about what he and I are in terms of a relationship, then I will just deal with it then.

Moving on when feeling completely and totally emotionally burnt out is something I've never experienced. I feel like this is not an uncommon struggle for people, I just wanted to throw it out there in case anyone has thoughts.
SG, be careful. You met this guy very fast after your breakup.

Here is my experience.

After a breakup, you really are not at equilibrium emotionally. My friend does Aikido, and she told me how it is like when you have two opposing forces pushing on each other, and suddenly one force isn't there, the other falls to a place that is not its natural place.

Generally, that place is not a good place, and the partners you attract when you are in that place are not partners you want to be with long-term; they are partners who are meeting your short term needs. There are exceptions, but this is a pattern I have seen in others (and lived through myself.)

Me, I was with someone who was very timid. He didn't want to travel; he didn't want to take any risks. When I rebounded it was with a man who was an adrenaline-driven thrill-seeker. I don't think it was a coincidence.

The rebound was someone I initially had no strong feelings for, and so it was a "safe" relationship where I didn't have to get too emotionally invested. I thought my emotional numbness came from my breakup, and that eventually I would begin to (or could make myself) love him and feel warm toward him, because in some ways he was a very nice person. It never really worked.

It was a terrible match, and I was so determined to make it work that it dragged on for two years and an engagement. But it was always a rebound. I never had strong feelings for him. And finally, I understood why--it was because he was a very angry and unhappy man, who hid his problems under a veneer of neediness and romance for the first six months.

It took me another 1.5 years and a broken lease and engagement for my head to figure out what my heart knew when I met him; that he was wrong for me.

So anyway just my $0.02. Proceed, but with caution and self-awareness. Do your best not to hurt him, or yourself.
moontiger is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th October 2011, 12:05 AM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,637
Quote:
Originally Posted by ScienceGal View Post
I've been thinking about this a lot.

I was in a position of thinking that he probably isn't invested, and I wasn't either.. so why not just be in the moment. It's something I'd never done before.

Since last weekend, when we had sex, he has been in touch more. I was out of town this weekend and he checked in with me each day. He called once, even though he hates the telephone. He is being more forward with making me feel welcomed. He stopped by today and we chatted for a while and made plans for this coming weekend. So, what I am seeing is that he actually might care and be genuine.

I believe the real issue here is not me being unable of making an emotional connection, it's whether or not I trust enough to. Whether I am ready to. Whether I want to be in that vulnerable position. He seems like a really nice guy and the more I talk to him, the more I like him. That is actually scary. I don't know if I will let myself develop real feelings for him.

In the back of my mind I am waiting for him to pull the rug out from underneath me. Going into all of our dates so far I've been a fun-loving, straight-forward with a 'what ever happens happens' attitude. I haven't worried for a moment whether he would contact me and want to see me again. He would either like me, or not. Life goes on.

Talking to him tonight was great though. I actually didn't want him to leave. sigh. I am going to do my best to keep my emotions in check. I suppose going on the way it has been will allow me to really determine whether he is a nice guy. And if he brings up any conversation about what he and I are in terms of a relationship, then I will just deal with it then.

Moving on when feeling completely and totally emotionally burnt out is something I've never experienced. I feel like this is not an uncommon struggle for people, I just wanted to throw it out there in case anyone has thoughts.
you should tell him everything you're telling us.

you being passive will make him aggressive. you responding with more passiveness will turn his aggressive into anger/resentment.

then you'll both just go through the motions until he's had enough and that'll be the end of it. it won't be pretty.

you have two choices that would be feasible...

a) end it now, and explain to him why
b) be completely open with him about all of these issues and constantly remind him that it's not his fault and you need time

you have one choice that will absolutely not work...

c) being passive and going with the flow until the situation comes to a head

so you need to forget about C and do one of A or B.
__________________
Neal
thatone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th October 2011, 8:55 AM   #15
Established Member
 
ScienceGal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 1,628
moontiger,

Thank you for the advice. My most recent ex is completely consumed by his own ego and extremely selfish, and he is a smoker... all of these are things that I absolutely do not want in a new partner. I think that it was a mistake to stay with him, knowing that I saw these 'red flags'. In terms of characteristics, this new guy gets fired up (in a good way) about things he's passionate about. He seems honest and caring. And, he is very close with his family. He seems like a better long-term match than my ex, not only in how he treats me, but in our overall goals.

I completely agree that rushing anything is a bad idea. And, I know exactly what you're talking about with the Aikido reference, I have been there. It actually seems that I made that mistake with my ex, and now I am trying to get back on the right track. I've had several other men ask me out, and I knew that they were not a match for me, so I declined. I am not desperate to fill a void, but I do want to find a stable relationship.

I will be thoughtful, and careful.
nice to hear from you again


Thatone,

I am not sure that I am being any more passive than he is. I'm more mirroring his pace. If he tells me he enjoys my company, I tell him I enjoy his. If he says he is looking forward to seeing me, I tell him the same. And these are all honest remarks. If it turns into something I'm not comfortable with, I'll tell him that too.

But, you are correct in that a discussion will have to happen at some point. I'm just not sure if I am the one that should bring it up. I have no right to assume what he wants and is thinking if he hasn't told me. Perhaps he likes things the way they are. Point is, he is another person with another set of thoughts, wants and motivations. He is equally responsible for communicating those with me (and he hasn't).

What I need to do is determine the proper way to relay what I am thinking/feeling. I am not someone that can keep thoughts like this to myself, so I am likely to bring it up when I see him next since it's been on my mind for a few days.

Thanks for the response.
ScienceGal is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
lust or emotional connection karaja Long-Distance Relationships 2 29th March 2011 1:57 PM
No Emotional Connection elkhead71 Dating 13 23rd November 2007 7:52 PM
Emotional connection and drama? Tanaquil Dating 2 16th October 2007 7:02 PM
Emotional connection? Meaplus3 Coping 6 20th September 2007 11:03 AM
Men and Emotional Connection and sex clynn Dating 40 12th July 2006 8:49 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 8:20 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.