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My insecurity is making me miserable


Terracotta

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Ok I guess I feel kind of annoyed at myself for being so silly but it's really eating away at me and all I want is to be able to get over it so any suggestions you guys have would be greatly appreciated. Recently my boyfriend of 4 months told me that he watches porn, and initially I was shocked and didn't know how to react because I have no previous relationship experience and I haven't really been exposed to this before. So at once I began experiencing insecurities, "is he even attracted to me?" and experiencing jealousy too, even though my boyfriend tells me all the time how pretty I am, and how attractive he finds me.

 

When I did some research on it, I saw guys responding to it saying it's perfectly normal and it doesn't lessen any feelings they have for their girlfriends so that relaxed me, and even though I still felt insecure about it, my feelings of panic died down, I didn't say anything to him or give him any indication of me being phased at all because this was my issue and he hadn't done anything wrong. We're also both virgins and we both intend to wait until marriage before sex because we have been brought up as Hindus in a culturally conservative environment. And it's great to have found someone as amazing as my boyfriend, he's kind, caring, intelligent, and he also shares these values with me. And so I guess because we're not having sex, he needs to get "stimulation" from other sources :p

 

Fast forward to today. I felt like I could be the "cool girlfriend", and possibly dip my toes into porn to understand the experience of it and why guys like it so much, because I'm still only 19 and have been brought up fairly conservatively in an Indian household and I've been pretty sheltered my whole life. So on the phone, I was asking him questions about it and the names of a few porn stars he liked so I could look up pictures of them and when I saw them a few hours later by myself, I just went into a state of panic.

 

The fact that they all had enormous, gigantic breasts, and that I've never seen breasts that big just really got to me and made me feel incredibly insecure. Especially since I'm a modest B cup and now mine just seem like little mosquito bites compared to the big, luscious breasts my boyfriend, and probably the whole male population love. After seeing breasts like that and probably imagining motorboating those babies, how can he possibly be satisfied with mine? :( Because I've always been a little bit disappointed with my breasts. I've worn push up bras to try and make my body look more proportionate seeing as how I'm pear shaped. So he's under the impression that I have bigger breasts than I actually have and he's made a comment like "wow Terracotta you're so hot, you've got the perfect hourglass figure" and I don't have that. :(

 

And I'm just really really worried that he's going to be disappointed by me, I know he won't break up with me over this because he's a lovely, kind, genuine guy, but I guess I just want him to be as attracted to me as he is those naked goddesses he watches. :( And every single time he comments on a hot celebrity or anything like that I just get a thought like "oh he wishes I looked like them" even though I know that's just my insecurity speaking. And I think I knew the reason I asked him about which porn stars were his favourites was so I could go home and look them up and compare my looks with theirs, and then I realised how much hotter they are. :(

 

Anyway, I know I sound incredibly insecure and I know it's all me and my boyfriend hasn't done anything wrong and that's why I haven't told him about my feelings on any of this, so I hope you guys have some suggestions for how I can possibly get over my insecurity problem because it's brought me to tears today and it's making me feel really bad. I think I possibly need some therapy for this because I know I have major issues, but I really can't afford it at all so are there any other solutions or suggestions you guys have? And yeah feel free to be completely brutal because maybe I need a good wake up call!

 

Thanks! :)

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here's the thing, yeah they're nice to look at. but how much surgery do you think went into making them look that way? how much makeup to cover those scars every time they get in front of a camera?

 

NO ONE looks like that naturally. you know it, he probably knows it too.

 

and i would go so far as to say the vast majority of men dislike fake surgical boobs more than they dislike any particular size. i know i do.

 

talk to him about it. he'll probably reassure you and everything will be fine.

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here's the thing, yeah they're nice to look at. but how much surgery do you think went into making them look that way? how much makeup to cover those scars every time they get in front of a camera?

 

NO ONE looks like that naturally. you know it, he probably knows it too.

 

and i would go so far as to say the vast majority of men dislike fake surgical boobs more than they dislike any particular size. i know i do.

 

talk to him about it. he'll probably reassure you and everything will be fine.

 

The thing is, I feel my concern seems so silly that I don't even know how I would bring it up. And I guess I also don't want to say how unhot I feel compared to the porn stars because I don't want to draw his attention to my inferiority. My problem is that I let my insecurity eat me away inside and I never tell him about it because I think I'm being ridiculous.

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Human beings have a strong desire for variety and we often find ourselves drawn or attracted to what we don't have. You sound like a very natural looking girl and your boyfriend obviously finds you attractive. However, that doesn't stop his natural human inclination to desire something different, which could very well explain his choice of pornography. If you we're large breasted he might be drawn to more petite women, if you're petite perhaps he'll look at full figured, if you're quiet in bed he might seek out porn with aggressive women, etc.

 

Women often have negative feelings about their partners watching pornography and they shouldn't. A man using porn to masterbate is simply satisfying his desire for variety in a way that doesn't compromise his loyalty to his partner. I can guarantee you that he wouldn't want you to change or to be like those girls...he loves you, he forgets them the second he ejaculates. Trust me on this one.

 

Thank you for that response, it was very helpful for me! That definetly eases my mind on the insecurity that I had about how different his favourite porn stars looked to me, and whether I'm not his type in terms of looks.

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and yeah, he's right about the last bit too. men looking at porn to jerk off when there's no other option is just a tension release, and yes, as soon as it's over they are instantly forgotten. it takes all of about 10 seconds after a man climaxes to something or someone he's not particularly interested in to forget about the act itself.

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and yeah, he's right about the last bit too. men looking at porn to jerk off when there's no other option is just a tension release, and yes, as soon as it's over they are instantly forgotten. it takes all of about 10 seconds after a man climaxes to something or someone he's not particularly interested in to forget about the act itself.

 

Yeah that makes me feel a lot better, thanks for your responses! I always had that voice at the back of my mind though, that because he has specific porn stars who he likes to watch, they are what he thinks his ideal girl should look like. What HotRodney said about variety though makes a lot of sense. Hopefully I'll be able to overcome these insecurities, I know that's a problem I have to solve with myself though.

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The thing is, I feel my concern seems so silly that I don't even know how I would bring it up. And I guess I also don't want to say how unhot I feel compared to the porn stars because I don't want to draw his attention to my inferiority. My problem is that I let my insecurity eat me away inside and I never tell him about it because I think I'm being ridiculous.

 

 

 

The point is, his porn watching is really bothering you. Trust you gut instincts here. He's like a little boy, looking at the BIG BOOB girls in a magazine. But only he is doing it on the web. He needs to grow up and really respect your feelings. If I found out the woman I loved was surfing for porn and masturbating to it, I would be mad as heck, jealous, and I'd probably dump her flat on her butt. It's a form of cheating. I can see if both partners love to do that, then it would be ok. But you don't like it, so it not ok at all. Maybe let him know this.

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Hey Terracotta,

 

Your post made me sad because it reminded me of when I was younger and had bad self esteem. What you thought, felt and wondered about is completely normal. I get where its coming from.

 

But as others have already said, porn is just for variety and "release", it really has nothing to do with how your bf views you, or feels about you. Porn IMO becomes a problem when it interferes with a couple's sex life - but you guys aren't even sleeping together yet - so that's not the issue here.

 

I had to learn a lot of things about myself and go a long way before I finally accepted that, and I hope that it doesn't take you as long as it did for me.

 

Its funny because just yesterday I was using my bf's computer, he was there and he had to go get a picture for me, so he opens up a folder and a bunch of porn pics were there - I honestly didn't care, whereas 7 years ago, it would have bugged me and I would have felt bad...but now, I know what it really is, and it doesn't reflect on me whatsoever, and there was nothing there to make me feel bad about myself.

 

Also, don't go torturing yourself and looking up the porn girls just to compare.

As others have said, those girls have gotten a LOT of work done (surgical, makeup, air brushing, the works) and most guys know that's not real.

 

Also, as for the fake boobs, from what I've heard from most guys, they prefer real ones to fake because the fake ones feel weird (depending on how good the surgeon is ;)), and they just prefer the natural ones.

so don't stress about all that.

 

Your boyfriend is with you because he likes you and he's attracted to you - keep that in mind.

 

Good luck :)

Edited by TigerCub
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The thing is, you're not going to be able to relate to his desire/need to watch porn by EXACTLY replicating what he's doing. You will feel insecure until you can relate, until you can experience these feelings for yourself and see that they are not threatening.

 

And you are NOT going to be able to experience these feelings by looking at big-breasted porn stars, because (just a guess on my part) you're not turned on by big-breasted porn stars.

 

So instead, ask yourself what you are turned on by. I have a particular kind of visual porn that I like, but a lot of women I know are more turned on by books. Erotic reading material.

 

Have you ever read a romance novel? Even something as tame as *shutter* Twilight? Have you ever watched a movie or TV show with a particular male character that made you go "Mmmmm" and sigh romantically?

 

That's kind of like the girl version of porn. The fantasies of a man who will sweep you off your feet, and there are candles, and he spends all night whispering to you that you are the most beautiful woman in the world, how could he live without you, yadda yadda, whatever floats your boat.

 

Now, if you've ever had that "Mmmm *starry eyes*" reaction to some fictional male character, did that make you love your boyfriend less? Make you want to change your boyfriend? No! (I hope not.)

 

Porn is pure fantasy. Porn, both male and female, is unrealistic and has absolutely no bearing on real life. Your version is romantic, and his is sexual, but it doesn't make the actual REALITY in front of you any less wonderful.

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Ok I guess I feel kind of annoyed at myself for being so silly but it's really eating away at me and all I want is to be able to get over it so any suggestions you guys have would be greatly appreciated. Recently my boyfriend of 4 months told me that he watches porn, and initially I was shocked and didn't know how to react because I have no previous relationship experience and I haven't really been exposed to this before. So at once I began experiencing insecurities, "is he even attracted to me?" and experiencing jealousy too, even though my boyfriend tells me all the time how pretty I am, and how attractive he finds me.

 

When I did some research on it, I saw guys responding to it saying it's perfectly normal and it doesn't lessen any feelings they have for their girlfriends so that relaxed me, and even though I still felt insecure about it, my feelings of panic died down, I didn't say anything to him or give him any indication of me being phased at all because this was my issue and he hadn't done anything wrong. We're also both virgins and we both intend to wait until marriage before sex because we have been brought up as Hindus in a culturally conservative environment. And it's great to have found someone as amazing as my boyfriend, he's kind, caring, intelligent, and he also shares these values with me. And so I guess because we're not having sex, he needs to get "stimulation" from other sources :p

 

Fast forward to today. I felt like I could be the "cool girlfriend", and possibly dip my toes into porn to understand the experience of it and why guys like it so much, because I'm still only 19 and have been brought up fairly conservatively in an Indian household and I've been pretty sheltered my whole life. So on the phone, I was asking him questions about it and the names of a few porn stars he liked so I could look up pictures of them and when I saw them a few hours later by myself, I just went into a state of panic.

 

The fact that they all had enormous, gigantic breasts, and that I've never seen breasts that big just really got to me and made me feel incredibly insecure. Especially since I'm a modest B cup and now mine just seem like little mosquito bites compared to the big, luscious breasts my boyfriend, and probably the whole male population love. After seeing breasts like that and probably imagining motorboating those babies, how can he possibly be satisfied with mine? :( Because I've always been a little bit disappointed with my breasts. I've worn push up bras to try and make my body look more proportionate seeing as how I'm pear shaped. So he's under the impression that I have bigger breasts than I actually have and he's made a comment like "wow Terracotta you're so hot, you've got the perfect hourglass figure" and I don't have that. :(

 

And I'm just really really worried that he's going to be disappointed by me, I know he won't break up with me over this because he's a lovely, kind, genuine guy, but I guess I just want him to be as attracted to me as he is those naked goddesses he watches. :( And every single time he comments on a hot celebrity or anything like that I just get a thought like "oh he wishes I looked like them" even though I know that's just my insecurity speaking. And I think I knew the reason I asked him about which porn stars were his favourites was so I could go home and look them up and compare my looks with theirs, and then I realised how much hotter they are. :(

 

Anyway, I know I sound incredibly insecure and I know it's all me and my boyfriend hasn't done anything wrong and that's why I haven't told him about my feelings on any of this, so I hope you guys have some suggestions for how I can possibly get over my insecurity problem because it's brought me to tears today and it's making me feel really bad. I think I possibly need some therapy for this because I know I have major issues, but I really can't afford it at all so are there any other solutions or suggestions you guys have? And yeah feel free to be completely brutal because maybe I need a good wake up call!

 

Thanks! :)

I think when you realize those are fake breasts it should ease your insecurity a bit. I'm sure your guy knows they are fake also. Porn sites actually have quite a few porn stars with natural-sized breasts also, such as B and even A cups. From what I have read, men like breasts of all sizes and shapes, so I'm sure he will be fine with your average size. You may want to tone down the padding, though. Start buying bras that are only slightly padded so he'll be aware of what he's getting. I seriously doubt it will matter to him. If it's any consolation, from what I've read, men like natural breasts a lot more than fake breasts, and fake breasts can have all kinds of complications--they can rupture, leak, get out of position, develop weird shapes, like concave or noticeable uneven seams between the muscle and the implant, become hard, and can result in reduced sensitivity to the breast. They also have to be replaced occasionally. Not something to envy, by any means.

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Holy **** dude are you for real?

 

I think so. How about you?

 

Everyone has boundaries. Others need to respect them. Especially a love interest. If I am in a relationship, I would want that woman to be thinking about me, and me only, and not be looking on the web for other men to get off on. And I do the same for them. I have never been with a woman who was addicted to porn or surfing for porn or renting porn vids etc.. It's just not what I would want. So one could almost count on a person doing all that stuff sooner or later loading up a webcam to go real-time with someone else on the web.

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the size doesn't matter at all. it's the look and feel. and there's nothing really specific about the look, it's the non-fake look that i like.

 

some girl who went from an A to a D and has nipples pointed sideways because the size was increased so much, that's just awful. and the look is more about movement than anything else.

 

that little jiggle when you walk, that's what drives men crazy. it has nothing to do with the size.

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There will always be prettier women than you and uglier women. How do you think men feel? There are richer, more successful men than they. That's life.

 

Use the Lefkoe Method to change your opinion of yourself by eliminating your beliefs.

 

Since you are Hindu, you two should be reading the Kama Sutra together. That's pretty stimulating.

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Disenchantedly Yours

Hey Terracotta. Lets start off with this. Neither you or your boyfriend are “wrong”. What troubles me most about your post is the insistence that your personal feelings on porn are “silly” or that *you* are the one that is the “problem”. That *you* are the one that needs to fix something only. You and your boyfriend are in a relationship together. The way porn makes you feel is no less insignificant then how porn makes your boyfriend feel. Just as the porn is a simulation of a sexual experience that heightens your man’s lust. It is also a simulation of his interest in other women that will stimulate your own protective feelings and arouse very realistic feelings of relationship instability. Because honestly, while he isn’t out “hunting” for women in public, he certainly is using something to hunt women in the visual world and using that to his personal advantage.

 

If you do not feel comfortable with porn, then you need to be honest about that with your boyfriend and not downplay your worth and the worth of your feelings in the relationship. I congratulate him being honest with you about his porn use since when it comes to porn, alot of men will present an image of themselves that isn’t reality, leaving a lot of wives and gfs baffled years down the road about what he was doing behind closed doors.

 

You need to be honest about how it makes you feel since he is being honest about how porn makes him feel. And you need to not be ashamed that porn makes you feel a certain way just because it’s not the way it makes him feel. I can’t tell you where to go after you’ve done that but I do know that porn is a major issue in society today for many couples and that often in this dynamic, the woman’s feelings are often regulated to being “silly” while the man’s is esteemed to being worthy of justification of it’s use. Sometimes, the woman, like yourself, automatically taking “blame” for how something makes you feel when you have a right to feel that way about it. I think more on target is that it’s natural to be turned on by porn just as it’s natural to feel threatened by what a man is interested in when it comes to other women. These women will always inevitably be younger, fitter, with bigger breasts and the list goes on. And in my opinion it’s not really fair of men to shrug it off or act like it’s not a big deal or to defend it on the back that they know it’s fantasy when that fantasy is still very realistically turning them on. I personally think the messages a number of men are sending their real life partners about their bodies and their place in his life through his porn use is not a very positive one. No amounts of him saying that “it’s just fantasy” and that “he just needs variety” (although I am really not sure how this is suppose to make a woman feel secure in a relationship) changes the fact that he is turned on by these women and is turning to them on a regular basis in conjecture with his sexual and emotional relationship with you. Coupled with the fact that a lot of porn holds some very negative and strong derogatory themes to women, makes me further confused why men think porn is such a positive thing. Although I guess it’s because most porn does not subject men to the same debasement as much as it does with women.

 

I don’t think it could hurt to work on your personal self confidence. But I don’t think the issue of porn between couples is only an issue of self confidence alone. Some people are very confident in who they are but just don’t see the point of porn. Some people are more happy to make their sex lives “real” and not invested in visual imagery. It’s all about what is most important to you and your man.

 

I also think there is something to be said if he knows a bunch of pornstars names. I understand your motivation for wanting to know what he likes but to me personally, a man seems a bit over involved with porn if he actually knows women’s names in it and is obviously focusing on specific women he likes.

 

This isn’t something I always advocate but on the subject of porn or when it comes to attraction to other women that men experience and the way they deal with that attraction in a relationship with another woman, I sometimes think the best way to show a man how his interaction with certain things make you feel is to let him experience it for himself. By this I mean, start talking about men you find attractive, tell him you masturbate to these men, look for men online that you can show him you like. See how he reacts. Men are much more open to telling you their lust of other women then they seem to be about a woman sharing her lust of other men. Usually if you show them how something has made you feel by giving them that experience, they begin to understand the situation on different terms.

 

Whatever you choose to do, please don’t automatically degrade your personal feelings on the subject. There is nothing that says you must accept porn or that it makes you a better partner or woman. I see so many couples that struggle with this issue and we are really at a critical time in history where men are spending more time on porn then ever before. It’s kind of both sad and scary. A lot of men will naturally downplay it because they like porn themselves. But a lot of them don’t always look at it from a female perspective and what messages they are sending to us. And if we want them to understand, we need to both be honest about how it makes us feel and now downgrade our own feelings while justifying theirs. Both feelings have a place and both partners need to be kind and generous enough to deal with them without putting down the other one or shaming them into behaving what actually best personally suits themselves.

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If you do not feel comfortable with porn, then you need to be honest about that with your boyfriend and not downplay your worth and the worth of your feelings in the relationship.

 

I so totally agree with this. Great post! :)

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