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Should my long term boyfriend always pay?


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Old 6th October 2011, 10:07 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by make me believe View Post
It's definitely not fair for him to expect you to pay half of the time when you have a lot less disposable income than he does. And the fact that he's concerned about things being "fair" and "50/50" is a red flag, in my opinion. Relationships, finances, chores, etc are NEVER going to be 50/50 and I don't understand when people get hung up on the tit-for-tat stuff. I do agree with Sanman that maybe you guys should try to do some free/cheap dates more often, but I also think that your boyfriend's attitude is extremely problematic. The guy doesn't have to pay all of the time, but he shouldn't be hung up on everything being "even," particularly when he has so much more money than you do. That just screams cheap.
Agreed.

IMO what works is to find a balance of giving and taking based on each person's capability and situation, and go from there.

Yes, in my case the bf does pay a large part of our expenses. But it works for both of us. I wonder if the 'men' here who have flamed me for it in the past, would also think I should insist on the bf doing 50% of the housework and errands despite him working double my hours
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Old 6th October 2011, 10:34 AM   #17
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I make a lot less than my BF, though he has greater debts than me. He still has more disposable income by FAR, and I choose to live really frugally. A lot of the places we go out to, I'd never pay for myself----as in, I'd never got there and spend that kind of money. I also tend to cook more simply and eat more leftovers, whereas he will eat out every meal or cook more fancy/perishable things. So, he pays a lot more than me, because he can afford to.

If you're always looking for someone to support you in doing the things YOU want to do, I think it's unfair, but if both people want to do these things or the higher-earner suggests them, then I think it's fair that the higher-earner pay most of the time, especially when the income disparity is quite wide. I often offer to pay for things with my BF, if I can afford it comfortably, but he doesn't expect it or expect it to be 50/50.

We've discussed living together. He would want something far more expensive than I (and could afford it) and faster/more expensive internet, more expensive cable, etc, so if we did move in together (in the future), it would probably be me paying him a flat rate of what I currently pay (and am happy with) and him covering the rest. It really all depends on how the parties view money, but what's really important is being able to talk about money and see it the same way.
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Old 6th October 2011, 1:30 PM   #18
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I really can't understand why your desire to save money should be viewed as more important then your bf's. Yes, you did say he makes more then you, but he is also paying 5times as much as you in bills. I really just can't see how it is fair for you to always expect him to pay.

My boyfriend makes more then me. I am going to school still and he isn't. However, we still split the housebills 50/50. He does pay for more when we go out to dinner, but I never expect him to pay for it everytime. I at least try to offer to pay occasionally. I don't think I would want to be with a guy who paid for everything for me. I would feel like a spoiled little brat.

I definitely don't expect that every time.... I would feel the same. By always pay, I should have said more often.... I was fine with splitting things until my parents had to throw their two sense in making me feel like my boyfriend was only out for himself wanting to split everything all the time.
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Old 6th October 2011, 1:36 PM   #19
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So you're saying that because you are student with a part time job, you should be getting a free ride at your boyfriend's expense? Funny...I don't remember women paying for me on dates when I was a student living off a part time job and student loans. When you boyfriend was a student, I'm pretty sure he didn't have a sugar mommy either. So what makes you different? The fact that you have a vagina?

If money is tight, I suggest you find a way to date that does not involve spending money. It's not that hard actually.

I guess you didn't read my post thouroughly that I was fine up until my parents threw all of this is my face. I'm not some conceited brat. I'm for equality.... my parent's have just confused me since they are older and have more experience.... and it is aggravating. I'm not looking to be attacked here.
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Old 6th October 2011, 1:39 PM   #20
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I really can't understand why your desire to save money should be viewed as more important then your bf's. Yes, you did say he makes more then you, but he is also paying 5times as much as you in bills. I really just can't see how it is fair for you to always expect him to pay.

My boyfriend makes more then me. I am going to school still and he isn't. However, we still split the housebills 50/50. He does pay for more when we go out to dinner, but I never expect him to pay for it everytime. I at least try to offer to pay occasionally. I don't think I would want to be with a guy who paid for everything for me. I would feel like a spoiled little brat.

I responded to this, but apparently it didn't go through. I'm not looking for a free ride or sugar daddy.... I was fine with things until my parents had to throw their two sense in.... so therefore it has messed up my perception and I don't want to feel like what I'm doing currently with splitting is wrong... I understand everyone has different views and outlooks. I just don't know which one is right.... I never would expect for everytime either... I should have said "more often" or "most of the time" rather than ALWAYS.
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Old 6th October 2011, 1:49 PM   #21
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I think in my relationships, he's paid for everything for about 4 or 5 months, then we start splitting bills when we go out. Or I always at least pay the tip if he pays the bill. It's crazy to expect him to pay all the time forever, especially if you've been dating for a while and you both have jobs.

Doesn't matter who makes more money...offer every time and give him the chance to decline.
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Old 6th October 2011, 2:04 PM   #22
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Does he expect you to pay 50% of the time, or is it a bit more relaxed and he pays more than 50%, but not all the time? Are you expecting him to pay for everything, or just to pay for a little more than you do?

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your boyfriend to treat you or help you out occasionally if you can't afford things. I do however think it's wrong if you expect him to pay for virtually everything. You shouldn't be a burden for him to carry. It's supposed to be a relationship in which you share things, not a business arrangement in which he pays for the pleasure of your company.

When I lost my job and was broke, my boyfriend paid for more than his share - he sometimes bought two tickets and "forgot" to ask me for the money for mine, or he paid for my shopping at the supermarket as well as his own, or paid for my dinner, etc. But I still contributed as much as I could - I made him dinner at home, bought him coffee, and paid for some of our cheaper outings. Also I asked if we could do stuff like watching a movie at home because I couldn't afford the cinema and didn't think he should have to pay for me - we dialed back our spending habits so he wasn't constantly spending money on me. When I got a new job and had more money, we split things more evenly, and I treated him to a holiday to thank him for all his kindness when I had no money.

I hate to say this, but the OP just sounds entitled and greedy. Nobody should have to pay for you - you pay for yourself, and if you can't afford it then you don't ask or expect someone else to pay. If someone else chooses of their own free will to pay for you then you should be extremely grateful.
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Old 6th October 2011, 2:26 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by Nicole1590 View Post
I responded to this, but apparently it didn't go through. I'm not looking for a free ride or sugar daddy.... I was fine with things until my parents had to throw their two sense in.... so therefore it has messed up my perception and I don't want to feel like what I'm doing currently with splitting is wrong... I understand everyone has different views and outlooks. I just don't know which one is right.... I never would expect for everytime either... I should have said "more often" or "most of the time" rather than ALWAYS.
If youre currently splitting with your bf, then youre fine. Dont listen to your parents. They are pretty much wrong, because they are going to want you to save all your money. But in the long run, its good practice to do what youre doing, which is splitting, if I read this right.
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Old 6th October 2011, 3:38 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Nicole1590 View Post
I responded to this, but apparently it didn't go through. I'm not looking for a free ride or sugar daddy.... I was fine with things until my parents had to throw their two sense in.... so therefore it has messed up my perception and I don't want to feel like what I'm doing currently with splitting is wrong... I understand everyone has different views and outlooks. I just don't know which one is right.... I never would expect for everytime either... I should have said "more often" or "most of the time" rather than ALWAYS.
If you are fine with it, then ignore what your parents say about it. You are the ones dating him not your parents. My mom has tried to hint that my boyfriend should be "taking care of me" while I am in school, but I don't really see how it would be fair to him for me to expect that. I guess she just views things that way because that is how it was for her when she was growing up, but I guess alot of things have changed since then.
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Old 6th October 2011, 6:58 PM   #25
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You want him to pay for you a bunch on dates, and he's the one whose self centered?

Wouldn't he be self centered if he was making you pay for him? That to me is being self centered. Wanting a fair split of the dating bills/some repricocity (spelling!) doesn't seem self centered to me.

The fact he makes a lot more money does change a little bit. Something should be said though for dating because you like the other person, not because you like when he pays for your dates. The fact you kinda expect/demand him to pay for most dates changes things too... and it's more an issue your parents have, which weirds me out! lol....

yeah I like zengirls answer.
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Old 13th October 2011, 11:39 AM   #26
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A smart woman will look for a man who is willing to bid the highest for her while a smart man will look to get as many women as his money can afford.
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Old 13th October 2011, 1:32 PM   #27
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Honestly OP, its none of your parents damn business. How ya'll pay for the dates isn't their concern. I get their POV, but dial the knob back a few notches.

Do like you were, split the bills or switch off an on. Also if you are both trying to save money, quit spending it by going out to places. Simply find cheaper/free ways to spend time together.

It's a mountain out of a molehill.
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Old 13th October 2011, 4:35 PM   #28
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50/50

Just like a relationship is supposed to be 50/50. My boyfriend makes 10k more than me a year but we split everything. I'll pay for a meal and he'll pay for the next. We only eat out a couple times a week and will go see an occasional movie so I find nothing wrong with splitting things. He has to worry about finances just as much as I do and he shouldn't have to take on that burden alone.

My brother once had a girlfriend who expected him to pay for EVERYTHING. Ended up breaking his bank. He was constantly broke. I never want to put my significant other in that position. He works hard for his money.
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