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interesting situation (wall of text)


thatone

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so my gf and i have been together for almost 3 months. not sexual yet, but neither of us is dating anyone else, we've discussed that and agreed that we're only interested in each other as of now. and i know that we are both adhering to that.

 

i'm self employed, and a landlord at that, i have plenty of free time. she does not, she's in the midst of going back to school to finish a grad degree and change jobs. that isn't really an issue between us, we've talked about her limited time, and i don't have a problem with it since that's temporary (she's saving money so that when she finishes pre-reqs she can quit her job for the year she'll be in the grad program).

 

our families know each other. my dad and her dad were college friends, so i met all of her siblings and parents before i even met her. the point being, we didn't start out as complete strangers.

 

personality wise, we're a spot on match. we don't have arguments, any issues to this point have been completely civil discussions that wound up with one saying and suggesting what the other was thinking. amazingly compatible, until a week ago.

 

last weekend we were supposed to go walk through the park and catch a movie. we had gone out on friday, and set the time for saturday as i left friday night. saturday rolls around, i was supposed to go pick her up at 4:30, takes us 30 minutes to get to the park, 30 minutes to walk it, then we were gonna eat and catch a movie at 7.

 

as i was leaving on saturday i get a text...

 

"don't drive to pick me up, i have to go bring a gift to a friend who lives near the park so i'll meet you there"

 

now, she knows this bothers me, we have had this discussion before. i understand that she has limited time, but i'm not ok with cutting our limited time short by another hour by showing up and meeting each other in separate cars and then going our separate ways after the fact like every date is our first. i understand that her time for how long a relationship should be before sex is different than mine, and is further affected by her busy schedule that i'm willing to accommodate to an extent, but in the meantime, i expect my 15 minute good night kisses and the little things like picking her up and walking her to her door after bringing her home and what not ;).

 

this isn't the first time this issue has presented itself. when she started school this semester the university she's attending cancelled a class she absolutely had to take and didn't notify her, and when i called that day to ask about how her first day of class was she ignored the call and sent a vague text about the problem and didn't call me back until the next day, at which time she told me what happened and said she didn't want to talk because she was crying about it on the phone with her mother and female friend from work. now i'm sorry, but that's bullsh*t to me. that tells me that i'm third in line when she has a problem with something. considering we were only dating for a month at that point, i let it slide, but am now calling it strike one.

 

the suggestions that we meet each other and i lose an hour of our limited date time so that she can exclude me from insignificant errands that involve her family/friends (that i have met already) are strike two.

 

and the conversation i brought this up in last night was the first issue we had that did not get resolved. i started to explain the reason why i preferred to pick her up and bring her home rather than us meeting someplace (for the second time) and she interrupted me with a question about something i said to her sister in conversation from a few days before. there were 3 couples, one of which was her sister and boyfriend last weekend at a bar together, and despite us spending 4 hours there talking amongst six people, she saved a completely insignificant comment from that 4 hours of conversation between six people to try to turn that discussion around on me, as if i had to explain myself to her based on some question her sister asked about me. this is strike three.

 

the comment in question from the sister was completely innocent. she and her sister have told me how they've tried to convince an older brother not to run for a political office he's seeking, and i struck up conversation by asking the sister if she had managed to convince her brother to give up on the election yet (they have both told me that they don't think he'll win and are trying to convince him to give up on it). there was nothing rude about the comment at all, it was a deflection move on her part.

 

so applying my general guidelines of "three strikes = we need to talk" this is gonna come to a head here pretty quick. the question is how i'm going to handle it. i've been mulling it over in my head all day, and i'm pretty tempted to apply a plan of giving it one more month as if nothing is wrong, and the next time one of these things happens issuing a list of observations and demands on the spot. to be bluntly honest, i think the odds of my points and demands being met and it turning out how i want is much more likely to happen after we're having sex, and that's not far away, plus i have a family member's wedding to attend next month, and i'd just assume have this conversation with her after that as well, to let that wedding anxiousness that never fails to grasp women sink in.

 

then there's also the question of how i'll bring it up.

 

generally, i'm pretty blunt. if i'm put on the spot, my side of the conversation would be...

 

"i will not have our limited time together cut shorter still so that you can exclude me from menial things like a 5-10 minute gift exchange with a friend of yours. i'm not your brother's ex wife, i'm not your ex fiance, and i'm not your sister's ex boyfriends. so i won't be punished or hindered by those people or their pasts, either. i'm spending considerable time and effort to accommodate you and your schedule, and have asked for little in return thus far. but i'm not going to wait for you to dip your toe in the water to find out how little you can do and still have me around. nor will i try to match the expectations of your mother and sister. i'm spending my time with you, not your mother and sister. we will make up our own minds about our relationship, not try to live up to your mother and sister's expectations and suggestions, and these aren't negotiable. if you can't make your own decisions about me after this much time, then my answer is no, and we are done."

 

since our parents know and talk to each other, i have caught wind of the point about the suggestions of her mother about relationships and the failed relationships of her siblings mentioned above. which i also have a problem with. i catch comments from our parents in passing suggesting she has some issue between us and we only discuss it after a week of her talking with the mother and sister about it, and she starts off the conversation with a bunch of assumptions and distrust that she has concocted from the plotting and scheming with the sister and mother. this is strike four.

 

now, those demands are blunt, i will admit. on the other hand i don't keep secrets from her, i tell her about everything (my family, my business, my finances, etc.), and i don't exclude her from my family or friends at all. she's met them, and when our plans overlap she's always invited. i'm completely transparent. i don't lie, about anything. i don't make promises that i fail to keep, ever. she knows all of this, i tell her these things and demonstrate the results on a regular basis. and i know she isn't failing to recognize those things, since as i stated our parents are friends and the things they talk about regarding the two of us get back to me. and i'm exactly what i'm asking her to be. when i have an issue with her she hears it from me, face to face, i don't plot and scheme with friends or family and then talk to her about it after i've talked with other people (even though that's exactly what i'm doing with this post, hah! just this once...;)).

 

what say you (anyone who would read this massive amount of text)? how would you bring this up in my situation? women, put yourself in her shoes and how would you respond? men, what would you say instead, if different at all?

 

basically, these are my red flags and deal breakers that have arisen, and this conversation WILL happen, it's just a matter of when. at this point i'm being realistic. i'm not determined to have this conversation go my way, i'm fully prepared for that to be the last conversation we have together, honestly. but i am attracted to her still, and personality/interests/etc wise we are still a great match, so i would prefer to have this discussion end well, although i'm fully prepared for the fact that it might not.

 

fwiw we're both in our early 30s.

 

it's gonna be a long, possibly excruciating month waiting for the right time to bring all this up :confused:. but that's my plan at this point.

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