red shoes Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 I had a first date with a guy. He started just brushing his against my arm or back. I could tell he was interested in me so I took that as a "good" thing. Then it started getting more, like half hugging me and putting his hand on my legs, moving his hand on my thighs. I don't think it's good. I just want opinions. Is it always bad? Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 I don't think it's good. I just want opinions. Is it always bad? It's good if it's appreciated, and bad if it's not. Why don't you think it's good? If I'm sitting in a bar with a date, and assuming that we've got as far as brushing against her arm or back without getting a steely stare of death (or similar), and if I think I'm seeing open body language from her, then I might lean forward and briefly touch the front or outside of her thigh to emphasise a point of conversation. It'll be much nearer the knee than the hip. Oh, I'd probably only do that if she was wearing jeans or similar. And I'd be watching her reaction to see if I should back off. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 No. In fact it is pretty much what I go for, as long as guy doesn't end up looking like a creep/becomes too pressuring. He was probably moving too fast for you and did not pay attention to pace you're comfortable with. Yeah, made this mistake myself with some girls. Link to post Share on other sites
Author red shoes Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 It's good if it's appreciated, and bad if it's not. Why don't you think it's good? If I'm sitting in a bar with a date, and assuming that we've got as far as brushing against her arm or back without getting a steely stare of death (or similar), and if I think I'm seeing open body language from her, then I might lean forward and briefly touch the front or outside of her thigh to emphasise a point of conversation. It'll be much nearer the knee than the hip. Oh, I'd probably only do that if she was wearing jeans or similar. And I'd be watching her reaction to see if I should back off. It's bad because the guy should respect the girl and not doing this touchy feely before knowing her more. But what point is the guy trying to "prove" by all that you've mentioned? Link to post Share on other sites
Author red shoes Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 No. In fact it is pretty much what I go for, as long as guy doesn't end up looking like a creep/becomes too pressuring. He was probably moving too fast for you and did not pay attention to pace you're comfortable with. Yeah, made this mistake myself with some girls. Does it mean that such a guy is just looking for a hookup? By doing this on a first date? Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 It's bad because the guy should respect the girl and not doing this touchy feely before knowing her more. Ok, that's a valid view. I don't think it necessarily shows a lack of respect. But what point is the guy trying to "prove" by all that you've mentioned? I'm not sure that he's trying to prove anything. Maybe he's trying to push to see how far he can go, or maybe he's just naturally 'tactile'. It sounds like it crossed a boundary for you, so I hope you stopped him if his hand lingered there for too long. Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Does it mean that such a guy is just looking for a hookup? By doing this on a first date? No, it doesn't necessarily mean that (but I can't read the mind of the guy you dated). Did he try to kiss you during or at the end of the date? and how did you respond to that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author red shoes Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 Ok, that's a valid view. I don't think it necessarily shows a lack of respect. I'm not sure that he's trying to prove anything. Maybe he's trying to push to see how far he can go, or maybe he's just naturally 'tactile'. It sounds like it crossed a boundary for you, so I hope you stopped him if his hand lingered there for too long. You don't think it shows a lack of respect because he's just trying to see how far he can go? But there has to be a "goal" or "aim" for that, right? I did stop him but he would continue with less bothersome zones. Link to post Share on other sites
Author red shoes Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 No, it doesn't necessarily mean that (but I can't read the mind of the guy you dated). Did he try to kiss you during or at the end of the date? and how did you respond to that? He tried to put his lips near mine a few times during the date but not force a kiss on me. We didn't end up kissing. He did talk a little sexually though we had other interesting conversation. He also stared longingly at me a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 You don't think it shows a lack of respect because he's just trying to see how far he can go? But there has to be a "goal" or "aim" for that, right? I did stop him but he would continue with less bothersome zones. Maybe the aim is to see if you're happy letting him touch your thigh. There's no need to make more of it than there is - he touched your thigh, you didn't like it. It sounds like he respected you enough to not do it again after you stopped him. Link to post Share on other sites
oldguy Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 If you where uncomfortable than it was not good. No one else s opinion matters. Link to post Share on other sites
ChessPieceFace Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 I'm not touchy-feely. It wouldn't matter if it was the first date or hundredth, it wouldn't change whether I was touchy-feely. I think it's probably just a matter of the personality of the person, some people are, and it could easily come through on the first date. If they aren't shy about touching then they probably wouldn't be shy about it on the first date either. What you'd have to ask is whether it was part of their genuine personality, or whether it was part of their "moves." I have to say, though, that the people I have known that are touchy-feely, have not been the greatest people in the world by any means. One (female) was a manic-depressive sociopath, another (male) was a lying cheating manipulator. Can't think of any others offhand. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 I personally don't like it when someone becomes physical with me when I don't know him at all. I first want to have some closeness on a mental and an emotional level. Link to post Share on other sites
Author red shoes Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 I'm not touchy-feely. It wouldn't matter if it was the first date or hundredth, it wouldn't change whether I was touchy-feely. I think it's probably just a matter of the personality of the person, some people are, and it could easily come through on the first date. If they aren't shy about touching then they probably wouldn't be shy about it on the first date either. What you'd have to ask is whether it was part of their genuine personality, or whether it was part of their "moves." I have to say, though, that the people I have known that are touchy-feely, have not been the greatest people in the world by any means. One (female) was a manic-depressive sociopath, another (male) was a lying cheating manipulator. Can't think of any others offhand. You may be right about this person. He said he's no longer with his wife, who has been cheating. Red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
Author red shoes Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 I personally don't like it when someone becomes physical with me when I don't know him at all. I first want to have some closeness on a mental and an emotional level. That was why I thought he just wanted to get into my pants. Link to post Share on other sites
laotzu Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 I have to say, though, that the people I have known that are touchy-feely, have not been the greatest people in the world by any means. One (female) was a manic-depressive sociopath, another (male) was a lying cheating manipulator. Can't think of any others offhand. Haha. Someone on loveshack has a quote in their signature about how anecdotes aren't synonymous with data - or something to that effect. I'm pretty touchy-feeling, and might do some light touching depending on the responses I get from a girl - if not on the first date, then certainly on the second. It's called building intimacy and familiarity. I've never cheated on anyone, and as long as I take my medications and talk to my therapist a few times a day, I can keep my sociopathic tendencies in check. Additionally, I'm touchy-feeling with my friends, too. No one's ever referred to it as creepy, though. Some people are just gregarious and like to touch. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 There are definitely two sides to this issue on LoveShack. This thread is pretty much the opposite of this one. On What date do you kiss? First or when? Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 There are definitely two sides to this issue on LoveShack. Yeah. If you don't feel up her leg on the first date she'll think you don't like her. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 I had a first date with a guy. He started just brushing his against my arm or back. I could tell he was interested in me so I took that as a "good" thing. Then it started getting more, like half hugging me and putting his hand on my legs, moving his hand on my thighs. I don't think it's good. I just want opinions. Is it always bad? I think guys that come on too strong on the first date are just after sex and not a relationship. Guys that are interested in getting to know you and are interested in a romance will limit the physical affection on the first date. A nice hug and tender kiss on the lips is about right for the first date IMO. It shows affection and interest without coming on too strong. It's up to you to set the boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 (edited) I think guys that come on too strong on the first date are just after sex and not a relationship. Guys that are interested in getting to know you and are interested in a romance will limit the physical affection on the first date. A nice hug and tender kiss on the lips is about right for the first date IMO. It shows affection and interest without coming on too strong. It's up to you to set the boundaries. It's amazing how (and great that) we all have different views on personal space / boundaries / intimacy for a first date. I think a small amount of touching, similar to what the OP described as being too much for her, is less intimate than that tender kiss you described! The tricky bit is to steer a course that's also acceptable to the other person (assuming there's common ground - eg sufficient mutual attraction). Edited September 23, 2011 by oaks Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 It's amazing how (and great that) we all have different views on personal space / boundaries / intimacy for a first date. I think a small amount of touching, similar to what the OP described as being too much for her, is less intimate than that tender kiss you described! The tricky bit is a steer a course that's also acceptable to the other person (assuming there's common ground - eg sufficient mutual attraction). Nah, if someone is putting his hand up her thighs, that's too fresh for a first date. Getting into a sexual relationship too soon before you get to know someone is a mistake, IMO. When you bring sex into it too soon, it clouds your judgement and you are not able to see the person for who he really is. I think you need to get to know someone on a personal, non/sexual level first in order to decide if that's someone you are compatible with. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 I pretty much agree with oaks. It's up to the individual. I don't think that being touchy-feely on a first date is necessarily a bad thing, he's signalling that he likes you. Whether he likes you for sex only or more, only time will tell. But you need to be comfortable with the pace, if you feel it's too soon, then it's too soon. Internet strangers aren't going to be able to make that judgement call for you. Link to post Share on other sites
rafallus Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Does it mean that such a guy is just looking for a hookup? By doing this on a first date? This is one possibility. But not the only one. Another is, he may actually like you as person, but be awfully socially awkward. Or he may not really be interested and just do a social experiment about how people react to being touched. You be the judge, you were there. I was not, therefore not hopping on any bandwagon. Link to post Share on other sites
rocketman122 Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 I am the touchy feely kind. I went on a dating website and met someone who was north of me about 1.5 hours. we spoke the night before for 3 hours and decided to meet the next night. I got off the train (I prefer it over driving my motorcycle there) and we locked eyes and that was it. no need for words. it was magical. we were holding hands and there was an energy between us ive yet to feel. we went to nice restaurant and I was stroking her hair/arm/neck/hand/shoulder all the time, but not leg. it was a romantic setting and we both knew we would be together so it was ok. we were kissing within the first hour at the restaurant. but my example is not the norm. I went on many dates (dating websites-real love is hard to find) and I could feel if the date went well, I would caress her hair or arm/shoulder. but only if I felt it was ok by reading her body language. the guy you had the experience with seemed like he wanted something specific. not necessarily a creep but maybe he read your body language the wrong way or was checking how far he could go. good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author red shoes Posted September 24, 2011 Author Share Posted September 24, 2011 For me, this is a next. Stroking the thighs is just a bit too much for me on a first date and he seemed to keep wanting to do it and for me to be okay with it. I took his other touching in other areas as interest. But when it got too often and too far up the thighs, it became weird. Link to post Share on other sites
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