Jump to content

He's sending mixed messages


SpiralOut

Recommended Posts

So there was this guy I was hanging out with for a while. Everyone I have spoken to has told me that he seems to like me. Obviously I really like him or else why would I be writing this post.

 

He was initiating text messages, asking me to hang out, always flirting with me, and so on. A couple weeks ago, we hung out on what might be called an actual date where he bought me dinner, we hung out at his place (nothing happened) and he leant me his sweater. At the end of the night he told me we'd do it again sometime. We almost kissed, but I didn't have the guts to make the move.

 

Ever since then he hasn't initated texts anymore. If I text him first, he will answer, and he'll make an effort to make conversation (ask me about my day, what am I doing etc). He is still friendly to me, just doesn't go out of his way to be.

 

I overheard him talking to a coworker about how his ex-gf wants to get back together with him and he doesn't know if he wants to or not, so I think that is a major factor. I just don't know if he's actually dating her or what is going on.

 

I thought maybe he is avoiding me because of her, but when we see each other at work (yes we work together) he still flirts with me!! There is serious eye contact going on between us, making me think he has feelings for me. He is always smiling and staring into my eyes when we talk. I mentioned to him that I still owe him drinks and he corrected me that I owe him dinner. So on Friday, I texted him asking to hang out after work. He told me he couldn't because his family was up visiting.

 

I haven't heard anything else from him since then. I haven't bothered to text him. I haven't seen him at work (he has been working offsite these past two days).

 

The last time I saw him at work was in the breakroom and other people were there. He doesn't usually go to the breakroom and he knew that I had break at the same time as him, so I'm wondering if he came back early to talk to me. I mean, he wasn't talking to anyone else. We didn't really talk though aside from hello. I could feel him looking at me. I didn't look back as I felt like everyone was watching us (they know something is going on) and when I did look, he was busy with his phone. I walked out without saying anything to him. What could I say?

 

Anyway I am feeling crappy about the whole thing. I don't know if I should back off or if I should make more of an effort to talk to him and figure out what is going on. Do I completely ignore him, or do I try and stay friends with him? I mentioned the drinks/dinner thing to see if he would still be up for it. I figured that if he wasn't interested in seeing me anymore, he would have told me to not worry about owing him anything. But he told me I still owe him dinner.

 

I have no idea how to handle this situation. I feel like he led me on, but I get the funny feeling he didn't do it on purpose. I think he still likes me. But he's avoiding talking to me!!

 

Help?

Link to post
Share on other sites

he's playing a jealousy game to see if it'll ramp up your interest, is my first thought.

 

if he's interested in you and not the ex, in no way shape or form would he discuss her where he knew you would overhear.

 

his easing back on contact reinforces that idea.

 

what i would do in your shoes? pretty clearly lay down the ground rules...

 

"look, you know i overheard you talking about your ex about the same time you started lowering your contact level with me. i don't really wanna be in the middle of that. if you're still interested in getting to know me, we can continue where we left off, or if not, just say so"

 

...and walk away, and leave it up to him.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think the fact that he has an ex lingering in his mind should be reason enough to leave things be.

 

You've reached out enough, it's getting to the point where you're almost chasing him. I'l pull back completely and wait for him to initiate. If he doesn't, he's just not that interested.

 

When you asked him to hang out and he simply said he couldn't without suggesting another time is not a good sign. Him not initiating any texting is not a good sign.

 

Any guy that is truly interested in you will make it known and they'll pursue you. His actions just aren't saying he's as into you as you are to him.

 

That should be reason enough to let things go for now. If he's trying to sort through an ex gf situation, don't put yourself in competition. For all you know he mentioned that in front of you to send you the message that he's not available. I don't think he said it to make you jealous.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think he led you on, necessarily. I read your other thread about him, and it sounds like you hung out casually and he didn't make any moves. You also said he wasn't very receptive to your moves. Honestly, it just sounds like he's not that interested and that you're reading too much into tiny things like how long he looked at you and how, etc. I know it's tempting to do, but at some point you have to let the fact that he is no longer initiating contact with you outweigh the fact that he held your gaze for 5 seconds or whatever. I'm not saying he's not interested at all, but there's a big difference between being just interested and being interested enough to really take the time to get to know you, spend time with you, etc. And based on this thread and the other one you started, I think you've already come on a little strong. I would back off and see what he does.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yeah I am going to back off. It has been 3 days since I initiated any contact with him.

 

So do I try and stay friends with him or just ignore him? I can't avoid him. I do see him around every week. I don't want to deal with this drama right now. I don't know if I should bother to even say anything to him about it or just pretend nothing happened.

 

I still think it's odd that he came onto me so strongly at first and then ignored the moves I put on him. And if I was misreading all the signs, explain to me why he always asked to see just me on my own, even though he sees other people at work (he could have invited me to hang out in a group setting). And why was he so secretive in the way he would invite me? Why would he flirt with me outside of work while hanging out alone with me, if he wasn't interested? I feel foolish now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah I am going to back off. It has been 3 days since I initiated any contact with him.

 

So do I try and stay friends with him or just ignore him? I can't avoid him. I do see him around every week. I don't want to deal with this drama right now. I don't know if I should bother to even say anything to him about it or just pretend nothing happened.

 

I still think it's odd that he came onto me so strongly at first and then ignored the moves I put on him. And if I was misreading all the signs, explain to me why he always asked to see just me on my own, even though he sees other people at work (he could have invited me to hang out in a group setting). And why was he so secretive in the way he would invite me? Why would he flirt with me outside of work while hanging out alone with me, if he wasn't interested? I feel foolish now.

 

Don't feel foolish, I get the feeling he's a guy that's not over his ex. he was probably attracted to you, but just not ready to jump into something new.

 

Sometimes, after a break up, people look elsewhere to have their ego stroked- that's why so many people jump into rebound relationships.

 

Just treat him as you would anyone else at work- be professional, but don't be his friend. Act as if you're not affected. Talk to him if you have to for business reasons only.

Link to post
Share on other sites
And why was he so secretive in the way he would invite me? Why would he flirt with me outside of work while hanging out alone with me, if he wasn't interested? I feel foolish now.

 

when there are three people involved one person can't make all that much difference.

 

it's not your fault. it never is when there's an ex nearby.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah I am going to back off. It has been 3 days since I initiated any contact with him.

 

So do I try and stay friends with him or just ignore him? I can't avoid him. I do see him around every week. I don't want to deal with this drama right now. I don't know if I should bother to even say anything to him about it or just pretend nothing happened.

 

I still think it's odd that he came onto me so strongly at first and then ignored the moves I put on him. And if I was misreading all the signs, explain to me why he always asked to see just me on my own, even though he sees other people at work (he could have invited me to hang out in a group setting). And why was he so secretive in the way he would invite me? Why would he flirt with me outside of work while hanging out alone with me, if he wasn't interested? I feel foolish now.

 

If I'm not mistaken, you said before that he hinted at hanging out one-on-one, but you were the one who flat-out asked. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, just pointing out that you've been the one making the major moves from the beginning. It sounds like he flirted here and there, and also sounds like you read a lot into small things that may not really mean much. It's nothing to feel foolish about. I don't think you have any reason to ignore him... you guys weren't dating, so I don't necessarily think he's doing anything to deserve ignoring. I would keep it friendly and light. Follow his lead. At this point, he absolutely knows you're interested. If he continues to flirt but doesn't initiate anything, I wouldn't initiate anything either. If he does initiate, try to slow down and not get wrapped up in him so quickly. Pay less attention to the tiny things, like how long he looks at you or how he's timing his break. Pay attention to the important things, like whether he's telling you interested, whether he's initiating dates, etc.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Oh no it wasn't me who asked him to hang out one on one, not at first anyway. He was the one who asked for my phone number. he was the one who would text me asking me if I would want to meet up for coffee or whatever. That night that we went for dinner, he was the one who texted me asking me to meet up after work. It was his idea that instead of coffee, we go for drinks instead.

 

Oh and the first time we hung out was in a group setting. Immediately afterwards, he sent me a text telling me he had a good time with me (yes, specifically with me) and that he had kept the beer label I stuck onto him.

 

I didn't start inviting him out until after he'd invited me out a couple of times. I didn't want him to think he was the only one who was interested.

 

But you guys are right, when an ex is involved I really shouldn't get stuck in the middle of that. It just hurts because I haven't dated anyone since my last boyfriend. This is the first guy I decided to take a chance on and see what happens. I didn't realize he was on the rebound. I mean I am on the rebound too so maybe I am not in a position to date after all. My head still isn't on quite straight.

 

I'll just act as normal as possible around him when I see him from now on. I am trying to shift my attention away from him and focus more on friendships with people and putting time into my personal projects. And working out!! This is such awesome incentive for me to go running/biking to burn off the negative energy.

 

Thanks for the advice and support, it helps :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Actually that's correct. The very first time we hung out, he hinted at hanging out and I was the one who flat-out asked. I had forgotten about that!!

 

After that though, he was the one who would directly ask me "hey want to hang out today after work?"

 

But he never asked me in front of anybody. He would do it via text message, like sometimes even two seconds after seeing me in person. But whenever I tried to invite him, he would be busy. ugh I dunno. I am just grateful that I was smart enough to not say a word to anyone at work. I haven't been rude to him and I haven't bad-mouthed him to any coworkers.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Actually that's correct. The very first time we hung out, he hinted at hanging out and I was the one who flat-out asked. I had forgotten about that!!

 

After that though, he was the one who would directly ask me "hey want to hang out today after work?"

 

But he never asked me in front of anybody. He would do it via text message, like sometimes even two seconds after seeing me in person. But whenever I tried to invite him, he would be busy. ugh I dunno. I am just grateful that I was smart enough to not say a word to anyone at work. I haven't been rude to him and I haven't bad-mouthed him to any coworkers.

 

It doesn't matter how things started out (him chasing you)- what matters is NOW, and how he's acting NOW. He's gone cold for whatever reason, and that's what you need to pay attention to.

 

He's not acting overly interested now, so it's time for you to pull away.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It doesn't matter how things started out (him chasing you)- what matters is NOW, and how he's acting NOW. He's gone cold for whatever reason, and that's what you need to pay attention to.

 

He's not acting overly interested now, so it's time for you to pull away.

 

*sigh* thank you for being a voice of reason. I think I knew that already. The last thing I need to do is lose my dignity by acting like a crazy chick.

 

I'll probably be aloof with him for a while. I don't know how to be friendly right now. I need to calm down first.

Link to post
Share on other sites
*sigh* thank you for being a voice of reason. I think I knew that already. The last thing I need to do is lose my dignity by acting like a crazy chick.

 

I'll probably be aloof with him for a while. I don't know how to be friendly right now. I need to calm down first.

 

Well you like him, and this whole thing hurts. The first thing you have to realize is that YOU come first, and he's not putting you first.

 

You deserve to be put first- that's not negotionable.

 

It's not you, it's him. He has stuff to work through.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you for the kind words. I am feeling much better now that I've had time to get my head on straight.

 

Things were awkward at first, probably because I would pretend to not hear him when he said goodbye to me. It must have not gone over well (actually I guess it was rude of me) because the next day he didn't even say hello to me or look at me until I said hello to him first. That was the day I got over myself and decided to just be nice to him again.

 

Over the past week we haven't spoken much, though lately he's been making more of an effort to initiate conversation with me at work and ask me about myself, when he really doesn't need to. He could easily not chit-chat with me at all if he didn't want to.

 

So we're on friendlier terms which is nice. I no longer have any desire to try and make anything happen. Don't get me wrong, I still like him, but I am realizing that I have my own personal stuff to work on and right now is a bad time for me to be dating anyone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

aaannnd he just texted me.

 

actually he texted me five hours ago and I just noticed it now.

 

i'm confused again. maybe he wants me as just a friend?? I dunno. confused!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Okay, this isn't fun or funny anymore.

 

Today we got stuck working closely together. No choice on our parts.

 

Things are back to our usual friendly banter, most of it coming from him. He teases everyone though, not just me. Later in the day he said something funny and I started to laugh, then stopped myself. He wasn't really trying to make a joke, but what he said struck me as funny. His friend was standing there and they looked at each other. His friend started smiling, patted him on the back and gave him the thumbs up sign.

 

This is embarassing. I didn't do that on purpose. I am being careful to not flirt. Yet I laugh at something stupid and now it's obvious to everyone that I like this guy? I don't even want to like him anymore. I'm starting to wonder if he's just doing this for his own entertainment or something. I don't know.

 

For the remaining 30 minutes of the day he had this big grin on his face whenever I spoke with him even though I was doing my best to be professional. Ugh.

 

Anyway don't mind my ramblings, I just needed to get that off my chest. Tomorrow morning I will have a chance alone with him to say something and I'm going to ask him what the heck that was about. I don't want things to be weird at work. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...