Chitowngirl Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 So I fell in love with a separated man. We met on match.com, where he said he was divorced. He didn't admit he was only separated until after about 5 dates or so. My parents got divorced so I know all the drama that ensues while separated, so that is why I did not want to date a separated man, ever. I was pretty annoyed when he admitted he wasn't really divorced, but he said his relationship had been 'dead' for years so in his mind he was divorced and not separated, since separated means you could possibly get back together. So..fast forward 1.5 months. We spend 6 days a week together. I have met a handful of his friends, which is a good thing. The circumstances that make me feel uncomfortable are these: I stay at his condo 6 days a week, and he told me to not tell anyone I stayed there as often as I do. He said if anyone in our building asked who I was, I had to say I was his cousin. When his wife calls, which is about every other day or so to complain about something, he "hushes" me so she doesnt know I'm with him. We avoid places she could be. He still has his mail sent to their house, and he has to go there once a week to pick it up and give her her weekly allowance. He said he doesn't want her to know he's dating someone seriously because she will be very hurt and she could get nasty and try to get more money in their divorce. He said he has to try and please her during this divorce process due financials only. He said if he keeps her happy, he could leave with $300,000 more than if she got a lawyer and got angry and nasty. Is this normal behavior for a separated man, or am I getting played? Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Is this normal behavior for a separated man, or am I getting played? I don't know, but I wouldn't stand for that (and I'm separated). Tell him to grow a pair. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 (edited) Never date anyone separated or who is divorced less than two years if you are looking for a serious relationship. An affair is fine because you won't expect much beyond fun and sex. I learned my lesson the hard way, and not just once! Don't fall for "the marriage was dead years ago" "I don't love my wife." While that might be true, THEY are not ready to get remarried or into anything serious now. They want to play. Fine. Don't be The Transitional Woman. Be the woman after the transitional woman! Edited September 18, 2011 by FitChick Link to post Share on other sites
country_gurl Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 So I fell in love with a separated man. We met on match.com, where he said he was divorced. He didn't admit he was only separated until after about 5 dates or so. You should have dumped his lying a$$ right there and then. A good man doesn't misrepresent his marital status or start out a potential relationship by falsely representing the truth such that his date isn't really able to make a truly informed decision about whether to proceed. You admit you would never date a man who is separated so had he been man enough to honestly state his marital status in his profile, you wouldn't be here in this mess. So now that he's cleverly seduced you and then dropped the bomb, what else has he lied about? It's a well-known fact that about 80% of men on dating sites (not to say women don't do it too) who list their status as single or divorced, they're actually very much married but for the purposes of getting some fun on the side, they're "separated." Those who falsely claim to be divorced when in fact they're really separated, are players.....and they know full well that the vast majority of decent women aren't going to give them the time of day if separated.......so in a calculated and intentional move, they falsify their status like this dog did and his game was clearly successful because here you are. We spend 6 days a week together. I have met a handful of his friends, which is a good thing. A good thing? After 1.5 months together with a married man, it's rather dysfunctional that you spend 6 weeks a week together. Don't either of you work or have friends or other interests? It's never healthy to be fused at the hip like that. I stay at his condo 6 days a week Sounds very clingy and needy. and he told me to not tell anyone I stayed there as often as I do. He said if anyone in our building asked who I was, I had to say I was his cousin. And that's acceptable to you, to have to lie about your relationship with him and your presence in his life and home? It doesn't bother you to be his dirty little secret? Does his wife live in the same city even? My guess is that she doesn't and he works away from home for long periods of time; that his apartment is one paid for by his company for him to reside in while working away from home, and that he is not the least bit 'separated' but in fact, and would be verified by his WIFE, still very much married. THAT or else it was a mutually agreed upon 'time out' for them to reassess and work on their marriage with the understanding that neither of them would be horsing around with anyone only he's clearly not holding up his end of the bargain. When his wife calls, which is about every other day or so to complain about something, he "hushes" me so she doesnt know I'm with him. And you're okay this why exactly? We avoid places she could be. He still has his mail sent to their house, and he has to go there once a week to pick it up and give her her weekly allowance. He said he doesn't want her to know he's dating someone seriously because she will be very hurt and she could get nasty and try to get more money in their divorce. He said he has to try and please her during this divorce process due financials only. He said if he keeps her happy, he could leave with $300,000 more than if she got a lawyer and got angry and nasty. Is this normal behavior for a separated man, or am I getting played? Uh, yeah, you're getting played big time. Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 It's a well-known fact that about 80% of men on dating sites (not to say women don't do it too) who list their status as single or divorced, they're actually very much married but for the purposes of getting some fun on the side, they're "separated." Are you sure that's really "well-known"? or even a "fact"? Link to post Share on other sites
blueskyday Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Run! This is a very typical situation. I've been divorced for several years. Seen it many times with friends and once with myself. It never ends well. You made a good decision about only dating a divorced man, not a separated one. Stick to it. Wish I had. If a relationship starts off with lies, one can only expect more lies. He's clearly self-absorbed and willing to lie to get his way. Not a good guy. Link to post Share on other sites
oaks Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Next time the wife calls, walk up behind him and say very loudly "Come back to bed, darling!" so that she hears it. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Like if they were really getting a divorce she wouldn't hire an attorney if there was that kind of money on the table... Sorry.. I'd bet 1000-1 that the divorce isn't even filed and if it is it is stalled while they work on their marriage... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Next time the wife calls, walk up behind him and say very loudly "Come back to bed, darling!" so that she hears it. Even though that would be entirely not cool.. and even mean to his wife, I think maybe piping up just so your voice is heard by her would be cool... see what he says to her Link to post Share on other sites
country_gurl Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 I'm willing to bet he had no public picture in his profile, either. Most marrieds don't for obvious reasons. You should be supremely p*ssed that he intentionally waited until after "5 or so" dates with you before revealing such a significant revelation. Screams player to me and a guy who knew exactly what he was doing by waiting until you were smitten with him before confessing so as to reduce the chances that you'd tell him to get lost. Link to post Share on other sites
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