Biggest decision of my life. Moving in with G/F

[salvo]

Okay this is more complicated than your average move in. I don't have too many friends to turn to so here it goes.

 

First I want to say I love my g/f with all of my heart and soul and she is definitely going to be my future wife. By the end of reading this I want your opinions on whether this is the right move or am I being selfish.

 

For starters I have a 4 y/o daughter who lives with me full time. My ex and I split 3 years ago and I have custody. I've been in my mothers house the past 3 years helping her with bills and stuff around the house and she is the best grandmother and has helped me so much raise my daughter. But I feel the time is now come for me to move out of "mommies" house and get back on my own. My g/f is great to my daughter and a great role model for her.

 

My g/f and i live a hour apart and have been together two years and she feels it's time we move in together and the distance is putting a strain on our relationship. I agree and the only time we argue is because it's something related to us being so far apart and not being together.

 

She wants me to move in her house for now. She has a 2br apartment she shares with her 8 y/o son who my daughter gets along with great and her father who just moved her temporarily from out of the country. The dad and her son share a room.

 

Now if I move into my gf's apartment we'd have to get my daughter a bed and she'd have to stay in our room for now. So my daughter loses out on her room where as now at my moms she has her privacy, her own tv, etc.

 

Now this would be temporary for a few months to a year tops. Right now we can't afford a bigger place in her neighborhood b/c its so expensive around where she lives. She can't come move around where I live b/c it's too far too travel for her job. We both have quite a bit of bills etc. and to stay at her place would make the most sense financially for the time being to save up and move into a bigger place.

 

Plus I started a internet based company last year and the past three months I've had the highest volume of sales and I feel the company is headed in a great direction. By next year the sky could be the limit.

 

Let me me ask you all this question. Should I move in my g/f in her place temporarily for a few months to a year till we can afford a bigger place and have my daughter sacrifice on her space? Or should I just stay at my mothers house and risk fighting and losing this relationship but letting my daughter keep her space for the time being? Am I being selfish? Or is my plans to move in with my g/f reasonable since it's temporary? Thanks for all your advice

Edited September 6, 2011 by salvo

[Cypress25]

Why don't you just wait 6 months until you can afford a bigger place? Your girlfriend's apartment is very crowded and I think it would be stressful for your daughter to move twice in one year and share a room in the meantime.

 

I don't see why waiting would cause fighting or cause you to lose your relationship. In fact, I think the living arrangements you described would cause a lot more fighting because you'd be 5 people living in 2 bedrooms, which is bound to be stressful and overwhelming. I can't imagine anyone being happy under those circumstances. And of course, you and your girlfriend wouldn't be able to have sex while you're sharing the room with a 4-year-old.

[country_gurl]

It will be stressful enough for your little girl to have to move in the first place.......but to then lose her own bedroom/space and be immersed into a home with others (your GFs older son, and GFs father)...that's too much to ask her to endure, nevermind the fact that it just doesn't seem 'right' for her to be in the bedroom that you and you GF will be sharing.

 

If you and she aren't in a good financial position to be able to afford a proper sized home with enough bedrooms for your respective children to have their own room, then I don't think you should be living together right now. Wait 6 months until you're able to do so. If this girl is 'meant to be' and you're meant to have a future with, 6 more months of living apart is not going to cause your relationship to end.

 

And good Lord, an hour apart is nothing. Most people who live in large metropolitan areas drive an hour or more just to get to work in the morning.

 

By the way, if you moved in with your GF you'd then be obligated to pay half of the rent and utilities and such.....but at your Mom's place I'm assuming you're probably not having to pay rent or if you do, it's very nominal. You'd be able to save up more money toward a bigger place/getting out of debt, etc if you remain with your Mom and saving up your money.

Edited September 6, 2011 by country_gurl

[salvo]

i appreciate the feedback cypress! I guess I've been a little selfish. It would only 5 people for about another month till her dad moves but yes I guess you have a point. The only reason I said risk losing her is because when we fight it's about us being far apart and missing out on things together, etc.

[Cypress25]

The only reason I said risk losing her is because when we fight it's about us being far apart and missing out on things together, etc.

 

Then don't fight about that, lol. Just be patient for another few months.

[salvo]

It will be stressful enough for your little girl to have to move in the first place.......but to then lose her own bedroom/space and be immersed into a home with others (your GFs older son, and GFs father)...that's too much to ask her to endure, nevermind the fact that it just doesn't seem 'right' for her to be in the bedroom that you and you GF will be sharing.

 

If you and she aren't in a good financial position to be able to afford a proper sized home with enough bedrooms for your respective children to have their own room, then I don't think you should be living together right now. Wait 6 months until you're able to do so. If this girl is 'meant to be' and you're meant to have a future with, 6 more months of living apart is not going to cause your relationship to end.

 

And good Lord, an hour apart is nothing. Most people who live in large metropolitan areas drive an hour or more just to get to work in the morning.

 

By the way, if you moved in with your GF you'd then be obligated to pay half of the rent and utilities and such.....but at your Mom's place I'm assuming you're probably not having to pay rent or if you do, it's very nominal. You'd be able to save up more money toward a bigger place/getting out of debt, etc if you remain with your Mom and saving up your money.

 

a lot of great points countrygirl. i guess i've been somewhat naive. I guess you're right if it's meant to be she will still be there. At my moms I probably pay about $100 less per month than what I'd pay rent at my girlfriends. my daughter's pre school would cost me about $100 more per month in her neighborhood too. So I guess all in all I'm saving $200 per month staying at my moms.

[country_gurl]

i appreciate the feedback cypress! I guess I've been a little selfish. It would only 5 people for about another month till her dad moves but yes I guess you have a point. The only reason I said risk losing her is because when we fight it's about us being far apart and missing out on things together, etc.

 

How is "1 hour apart" equal to "far apart"? That's not far apart. 5 hours is far apart.

 

Relationships and marriage are about working together as a couple to overcome adversity and make it TOGETHER through the tough times and situations and come out stronger as a couple. If your relationship is really so fragile that you're afraid some squabbles about living an hour apart are going to cause the demise of your relationship then seriously moving in together is not a wise idea.

 

She has to understand that you have to consider your daughter's needs in all of this.

 

How would she feel if her SON had to sleep in the room you 2 would share? I doubt she'd go for that so why should that be satisfactory for your daughter?

[OliveOyl]

How is "1 hour apart" equal to "far apart"? That's not far apart. 5 hours is far apart.

 

I think 1 hour apart is far apart after dating 2 years, as the OP has done. Many people are living together by that point. An hour apart means you can't just "drop by", can't see each other as often, and everything has to be planned. I live 45 min. away (when traffic is good) from my BF and it feels far apart to me. If we lived closer maybe he could stop by after work, but it's not really feasible now, so we pretty much see each other only on weekends.

 

OP, I'd wait until you can get at least a 3-bedroom place near your GF's. It's not easy being patient but it will be worth the wait. Maybe start looking around now for what the rents are for 3-bedroom places or homes and set a target date with your GF together. Having light at the end of the tunnel will make it a lot easier.