His ex still cuts his hair?

[kiss_andmakeup]

My boyfriend of three months and I have a pretty good relationship. In the beginning we talked about exes and he indicated that his most recent one (who he was with for 5 years, they broke up over a year ago) is still in his life a little bit because they have so many mutual friends. It's not like they hang out one-on-one so it didn't really bother me.

 

Some of you may already know that I'm a hairstylist. On our second or third date I remember my boyfriend apologizing that his hair was scruffy and saying he was overdue for a haircut. I remember saying: "don't look at me!" (more as a joke; we were on a date, obviously I couldn't cut his hair) and laughing. He laughed and said "Nah, don't worry, I wouldn't violate the terms of our relationship like that," and laughed. I agreed, because I think it can make things a little weird for a budding relationship (what if he doesn't like it, but doesn't want to hurt my feelings, etc.). I told him I liked the way his hair was cut and asked him which salon he went to and he told me.

 

Fast forward to last week when we're hanging out with a couple friends of his who also happen to be mutual friends of his ex. One of them is also a hairstylist, so while the guys were grabbing us some drinks at the bar, we were commiserating about trying to build a clientele in a poor economy.

 

She says "Yeah, I know what you mean. It's hard. I think when ______ (the ex) moved out this way she assumed people had more money so she would be busier, but it's equally bad everywhere you go. And she's in ______ (a really nice area) and still struggling!" I say "Oh, what salon?" (since I used to live in that area and know all the salons around there). She tells me, and it's the salon my boyfriend goes to.

 

So when my boyfriend and I are driving home I say, "I didn't know _____ did hair too. That's kind of weird, huh?" and he just said something like "Yeah..." He didn't mention that she cuts his hair (remember, he wasn't there for the conversation between myself and the friend so he doesn't know that I know).

 

I'm kind of annoyed, and I'm not sure if it's valid. The salon is half an hour away from where he lives, and he still goes there. I feel like I gave him an opportunity to mention that he goes to his ex to get haircuts, which considering my career is a bit of a slap in the face, but he didn't.

 

I've not mentioned a thing about this to him or behaved any differently around him because I feel like I'm being petty. Am I?

[tigressA]

If I were you, I'd feel weird about it too. But consider some things.

 

Many people who get haircuts prefer to frequent a particular salon/stylist. They feel welcome and they know they will be taken care of and leave looking great. I know people who have moved out of an area but still travel for an hour or more to a certain salon because of the working relationship they have with a stylist there. They feel they can't get better cuts anywhere else, and more importantly, they don't want to bother with shopping around, especially because doing so carries the likelihood of having a horrible haircut that they will have to deal with for weeks.

 

I am willing to bet this is how your BF is thinking. If it's really bothering you, you should talk to him about it. Let him reassure you.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Many people who get haircuts prefer to frequent a particular salon/stylist. They feel welcome and they know they will be taken care of and leave looking great. I know people who have moved out of an area but still travel for an hour or more to a certain salon because of the working relationship they have with a stylist there. They feel they can't get better cuts anywhere else, and more importantly, they don't want to bother with shopping around, especially because doing so carries the likelihood of having a horrible haircut that they will have to deal with for weeks.

 

I completely understand this, especially being the industry (and being particular about my hair myself). I also know he is very particular about his hair.

 

I'm just kind of annoyed that he didn't mention it, even when I gave him an opportunity to do so. To me that indicates that he's trying to hide it from me for some reason.

 

Thoughts like this make me feel so insecure and petty.

[snug.bunny]

Well, try to look on the bright side...

 

Better his ex be his hairstylist, versus his masseuse, or worse, body hair removal...

[kiss_andmakeup]

I think it wouldn't make me feel so sh*tty if I didn't do hair, too.

 

Actually, it would probably still make me feel sh*tty.

[tigressA]

I completely understand this, especially being the industry (and being particular about my hair myself). I also know he is very particular about his hair.

 

I'm just kind of annoyed that he didn't mention it, even when I gave him an opportunity to do so. To me that indicates that he's trying to hide it from me for some reason.

Thoughts like this make me feel so insecure and petty.

 

Okay, so this is the real issue.

 

It's normal to feel insecure about stuff like this, especially since you and his ex are in the same career. You may be feeling like your BF thinks his ex is better at it than you are, which is what makes him go to her. You may be feeling like he shouldn't be going to her at all because of his relationship to her and it's disrespectful in light of his relationship with you.

 

Perhaps he didn't say anything because he didn't feel it was important, or he didn't want to make you feel bad (I personally hate the latter; it makes me feel like I'm a child in need of protection or something). What would be unhealthy is to never say anything and stew over it, or lash out at him. Just talk to him. Tell him you know his ex is at the salon he goes to and ask him why he didn't mention it. Tell him how that made you feel.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Another reason it bothers me: on a separate evening, we were out with a different couple. One of them asked what I did and I mentioned that I'm a stylist. He said, "Oh, so have you cut ____'s (my bf) hair yet?" And I laughed and said "Nahh, I think that might be kinda weird, kind of like me going to him for a physical." They just laughed kind of awkwardly and in retrospect I'm realizing it's because they know that his ex has been cutting his hair since forever. I was the only one in the dark in that scenario, and now I feel stupid.

[kiss_andmakeup]

Perhaps he didn't say anything because he didn't feel it was important, or he didn't want to make you feel bad (I personally hate the latter; it makes me feel like I'm a child in need of protection or something). What would be unhealthy is to never say anything and stew over it, or lash out at him. Just talk to him. Tell him you know his ex is at the salon he goes to and ask him why he didn't mention it. Tell him how that made you feel.

 

I think this is what I'm going to do. I'm a notorious bottler-upper and I don't want to just let this stew. I guess I'm just nervous...the relationship is still relatively new...and I don't want him to think I'm some jealous weirdo.

[tigressA]

Another reason it bothers me: on a separate evening, we were out with a different couple. One of them asked what I did and I mentioned that I'm a stylist. He said, "Oh, so have you cut ____'s (my bf) hair yet?" And I laughed and said "Nahh, I think that might be kinda weird, kind of like me going to him for a physical." They just laughed kind of awkwardly and in retrospect I'm realizing it's because they know that his ex has been cutting his hair since forever. I was the only one in the dark in that scenario, and now I feel stupid.

 

Now THAT is something I would be upset about. I hate when that stuff happens. So his friends know, but you, the girlfriend, had to find out from someone else other than your boyfriend? Not cool. It wouldn't be a big deal if hardly anyone knew, but pretty much everyone except you? Oh hell no.

 

Again, talk to him. Get it sorted. You'll feel much better.

[musemaj11]

He talked about his hair and you suggested that he shouldnt expect you to take care of his hair just because you are a hairstylist. Now you are upset because he goes to his ex-girlfriend hairstylist who wouldn't mind cutting his hair.

 

Women are so crazy ...

[Art_Critic]

He talked about his hair and you suggested that he shouldnt expect you to take care of his hair just because you are a hairstylist. Now you are upset because he goes to his ex-girlfriend hairstylist who wouldn't mind cutting his hair.

 

Women are so crazy ...

 

hahaha.. this kinda sums it up...

[kiss_andmakeup]

He talked about his hair and you suggested that he shouldnt expect you to take care of his hair just because you are a hairstylist. Now you are upset because he goes to his ex-girlfriend hairstylist who wouldn't mind cutting his hair.

 

Women are so crazy ...

 

Actually, if you'd read the thread and my subsequent posts, you'd realize that the real issue is that he intentionally kept me in the dark about it, while everyone else in his life seems to know.

 

And FTR, I never told him he shouldn't expect me to take care of his hair. We were on our second date and I made a joke about not being able to do it right then. He was the one who said the weird line about "violating the terms of our relationship." I just went with it from then on because I assumed it's how he felt in general. If he really felt that it violated terms of a relationship, he never would have let his ex cut his hair.

 

I'm not saying it's WWIII here...I'm not going to break up with him over it or freak out, I was just looking for some insight.

[Art_Critic]

On a side note not really on topic...

 

Who lets their ex cut their hair.. I have dated many a cosmetologist and can speak from experience that you never let an ex cut your hair..

I was lucky I had any hair left after she was done .. worst hair cut ever...

[Art_Critic]

By the way.. seems a little making a mountain out of a mole hill thing going on..

He didn't mention it becuase he was getting it cut and knew you would flip out but then you said you wouldn't cut it.. what was he to do ?

 

Why not just cut his hair from now on ?

[kiss_andmakeup]

By the way.. seems a little making a mountain out of a mole hill thing going on..

He didn't mention it becuase he was getting it cut and knew you would flip out but then you said you wouldn't cut it.. what was he to do ?

 

Why not just cut his hair from now on ?

 

Actually I disagree with the "knew you would flip out" thing. I've been extremely cool-headed, even-keeled, and emotionally stable throughout the time we've been dating. I've never "flipped out" or even shown discontent at anything he's done or said. We even went to hang out with some of his friends after a show and it turned out that his ex was there, and I was extremely cool and calm about it.

 

He hasn't asked me to cut his hair. I don't really think he wants me to, and that's fine. I'm just kind of surprised he never mentioned that his ex does it, considering that I've shown myself to be nothing but logical, understanding, and emotionally grounded.

 

I guess the whole fact that he seemed like he was trying to hide it from me is just kind of insulting. That's all.

 

Like I said, no freak out happening. There is no "mountain" as I'm aware this is molehill status. I just felt uncomfortable about it and wanted to hear other peoples' views.

[carhill]

If things are otherwise fine, my opinion is a small mountain out of a molehill. Petty? Nah, it's not important enough.

 

Having been married to a hairstylist, I do find it odd that, after three months, he isn't more transparent about such matters. Some guys are more closed I guess.

 

Would you like to style him? If so, ask. See where it goes.

 

FTR, my exW hasn't touched my hair since we split up, not that there's much left to touch

[Hot Chick]

Are you a good hairstylist? I would deinitely make it clear to him that you are a great hairstylist and tell him you'd do his hair, and if he didn't like it, then he could just go somewhere else to get a cut.

[musemaj11]

Are you a good hairstylist? I would deinitely make it clear to him that you are a great hairstylist and tell him you'd do his hair, and if he didn't like it, then he could just go somewhere else to get a cut.

If he doesnt like it, how is he going to tell her that?

 

"Okay baby, you suck as a hairstylist. Im going somewhere else next time."

[phineas]

I'm trying to figure out the real issue.

 

Is it his ex cuts his hair or does it have nothing to do with hair cutting & that he obviously purposefully kept from you the amount of contact he has with an ex?

[kiss_andmakeup]

I'm trying to figure out the real issue.

 

Is it his ex cuts his hair or does it have nothing to do with hair cutting & that he obviously purposefully kept from you the amount of contact he has with an ex?

 

Yes, I think this is it.

[Finch]

I went through an eerily similar situation. I'm not a stylist, but my then boyfriend's ex was, and unbeknownst to me he was still going to her for haircuts. Sometimes at the salon she worked at, and even sometimes to her house. I too, found out through friends of his.

Anyway, looking back on it, the issue for me (and you as well it seems) was not the haircuts, but that he felt the need to hide who was wielding the scissors. When I did ask him why he hadn't mentioned this, he said it was because he was worried I would "freak out". Up to that point I had yet to actively "freak out" about anything, so his reason seemed weak. As it eventually turned out, this boyfriend ended up making a habit of keeping me in the dark about things, particularly things that involved other women. It ended up being one of the reasons the relationship didn't work - his tendency to...not lie...but to omit particular aspects of events so that I often felt out of the loop or vaguely like he was hiding something.

I'm not saying this is the case with you and your boyfriend. But do talk to him about this. While one instance is not a big deal on it's own, a predilection for omitting particular facts may be cause for concern.