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What if you have great chemistry with someone but she isn't ready for a relationship


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I had been friends with this girl for a while, it seemed obvious that we had good chemistry, but because I was getting over a breakup and she was in a long distance relationship, we did nothing about it. Well a few weeks after she broke up with her boyfriend, she confessed her feelings to me and I admitted I felt the same about her. We decided to start dating and the chemistry was even better than I had suspected. A few weeks into dating, though, she broke up with me, saying it was too much, too fast and that she wasn't ready for a relationship. She said would just want something serious with me if we continued and after spending so much time and effort on relationships that didn't work out in the past, she needed to spend time on herself.

 

While I understand where she is coming from, I can't help but feel disappointed. I have had a lot of experience dating (I am now 34 years old after all), and this is something I have never had with someone before. While we were friends, then while we were dating, and even now when we have broken up, we get along so well together, and when we have disagreements we can't stay mad each other for long at all. Besides, she is very attractive, intelligent, and fun to be around. So finding someone so great, who says she really likes me, and not being able to be with her is really difficult. I don't think I have any choice but to move on, but how do I do that? And how do I keep the door open to possibly trying again should she decide she is ready?

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chelle21689

I was in a relationship with someone for 5 1/2 years and I really loved him. I met someone a month later that I was really interested in but definitely wasn't interested in a relationship although he was. We kept things casual and took things really slow and he didn't mind. 5 months later, I feel ready to be in a relationship lol...I'm just so nervous to bring it up to him.

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HeartOnSleeve

chelle- when you say you kept things casual what does that mean? Like you just didn't label the relationship? I'm just curious. I feel as though I am in a similar boat as Dave22 and just trying to understand how to keep things casual since I really like a guy :) Thanks and good luck...you should defiantly tell the guy you have been seeing you are ready!

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You date other people.

Period.

Either she is ready or she isn't.

That isn't for you to say, but her.

 

However, do not let her keep you from other women that are ready & don't date other woman thinking she'll be ready sometime also.

 

Just move on & not worry about her. She is low priority.

 

She wants to work on herself?

How can she do that with you around all the time?

Edited by phineas
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chelle21689
chelle- when you say you kept things casual what does that mean? Like you just didn't label the relationship? I'm just curious. I feel as though I am in a similar boat as Dave22 and just trying to understand how to keep things casual since I really like a guy :) Thanks and good luck...you should defiantly tell the guy you have been seeing you are ready!

 

At first I wanted to keep things casual like just hang out nothing sexual, and not being committed...maybe some kisses though lol. Not having to talk every night but we ended up doing that O.o I think everyone has a different view of what casual is. It kinda morphed into a relationship and me not wanting the label yet and being scared to death of it. I want it now but I'm scared to bring it up hehe...I've been trying to find the right time but I guess I gotta get over myself.

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I was in a relationship with someone for 5 1/2 years and I really loved him. I met someone a month later that I was really interested in but definitely wasn't interested in a relationship although he was. We kept things casual and took things really slow and he didn't mind. 5 months later, I feel ready to be in a relationship lol...I'm just so nervous to bring it up to him.

 

I say you should go for it and ask him. He was interested in a relationship before, there is a good chance he still is. My situation was similar in that it was her who brought up how she felt about me, although in her case she had no idea how I felt about her. It turned out that I liked her as much as she liked me. (although, unfortunately she later decided she wasn't ready)

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Just move on & not worry about her. She is low priority.

 

I wouldn't say she is low priority. In all my years of dating she might be the best one yet. I can't completely give up on that yet.

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sunnysideplz

If i was you, i would just still charm her and show her why youre great, but at the same time play the field and ease back a little till shes ready, but keep your options open. She is just in a mind state where shes confused and lost probably or needs time to heal, so dont push it. Let her know that your there but at the same time make the best of it since your single. And also dont take it to seriously with her, just enjoy the simple things, and be good company, and only time can tell

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I wouldn't say she is low priority. In all my years of dating she might be the best one yet. I can't completely give up on that yet.

 

When I say low priority I mean in a dating sense. You can still be friends with her, but treat her like a friend. Don't treat her like you are still dating.

 

I've seen the exact same thing happen with friends over the yrs & they wound up wasting their time ignoring other women to prove themselves to the one woman that really wasn't into them.

 

Then seemingly overnight she was in a relationship with some dude that wasn't even on anybody's radar or back with the ex.

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You date other people.

Period.

Either she is ready or she isn't.

That isn't for you to say, but her.

 

However, do not let her keep you from other women that are ready & don't date other woman thinking she'll be ready sometime also.

 

Just move on & not worry about her. She is low priority.

 

She wants to work on herself?

How can she do that with you around all the time?

 

I agree. If she likes you so much then she wouldn't have ended it. She could have asked to slow things down or get some space, but made it clear she DOES NOT want to break up.

 

She ran. Maybe she's scared, has baggage, and isn't ready...but it shouldn't be your problem. Don't carry a torch and wait for her. She might just suddenly appear with some new guy, calling him "my boyfriend", and you'll be the fool wondering what happened.

 

Stay in touch, be her pal if you want, but be aware/open of new women. For all you know, seeing another hen coming for her rooster might just shake her up out of the insecurities and run back to claim you for herself.

 

Sometimes people need to see that. To see the good one being taken away so they let go of the past and dive into the now.

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To OP:

 

Join the club!

 

I actually get mad when I hear stories like this. I mean, it's not like you screwed up and she needs time to think about what you mean to her... things are already going great and she wants to take a step back just because it is too awesome?

 

omfg.. she sounds very immature. I bet that she seems really awesome on the surface, but this is a huge sign of immaturity right here.

 

Just move on man. I know how it feels, trust me, but there really isn't anything else you an do.

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I agree. If she likes you so much then she wouldn't have ended it. She could have asked to slow things down or get some space, but made it clear she DOES NOT want to break up.

 

She ran. Maybe she's scared, has baggage, and isn't ready...but it shouldn't be your problem. Don't carry a torch and wait for her. She might just suddenly appear with some new guy, calling him "my boyfriend", and you'll be the fool wondering what happened.

 

You are right, I know her well from the time we spent as friends before dating to know what she wants in a relationship and what she wants in a guy and I know if she actually thought about it she would realize that is exactly what we could have had. She is just scared is all. She has been hurt before and she thinks she will be again. So maybe she will realize it at some point, but I am not going to wait. I am going to look for someone who is actually mature enough to have a real relationship with.

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Date other women but be very coy about it to her. You don't have to tell her everything you do and who you do it with. Suddenly have less time to talk or be with her and let her fill in the blanks. If she feels threatened by the thought of a new woman taking her place she might want to become more intimate with you. If it doesn't seem to bother her beyond mere curiosity, you have your answer that she isn't interested in you as more than a friend.

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bluenightowl
I agree. If she likes you so much then she wouldn't have ended it. She could have asked to slow things down or get some space, but made it clear she DOES NOT want to break up.

 

She ran. Maybe she's scared, has baggage, and isn't ready...but it shouldn't be your problem. Don't carry a torch and wait for her. She might just suddenly appear with some new guy, calling him "my boyfriend", and you'll be the fool wondering what happened.

 

Stay in touch, be her pal if you want, but be aware/open of new women. For all you know, seeing another hen coming for her rooster might just shake her up out of the insecurities and run back to claim you for herself.

 

Sometimes people need to see that. To see the good one being taken away so they let go of the past and dive into the now.

 

This is good advice.. This happened to me. .. she asked for space.. I gave her space.. we kept hanging out.. then suddenly another guy appeared and it was over.. IMHO there is nothing worse than being dumped for someone else and feeling a fool at the same time.

 

I've asked for advice too, and one thing I think you need to decide is what you want and stand by that.

 

maybe just let her go.. date others.. and she might return... but don't wait for it.. because it might never come and worse.. as was stated she might re-appear stronger than ever with another guy and leave you feeling destroyed for investing too much into this.

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Eddie Edirol

Dave, I know what happened. This will help you let the whole situation go.

 

She is ready for a relationship, thats why she tried it, just not with YOU. She was in love with her ex, and you were a rebound. She used you to break it off with her ex, because compared to him at the time, you seemed to be someone she would be a better match with. Probably because she didnt want to be alone. She didnt want to feel the hurt of her breakup and deal with it alone, so she thought you could make her forget about her ex and sweep her off her feet.

 

But at some point, you werent working for her. You could have said something that turned her off, or she just realized that you werent what she thought you was. Either way, she decided that she would never feel the butterflies with you, and THATS why she broke it off. She knew it would never work with you.

 

So keep away from her, and date around. Do NOT wait for her to come to you. If she knows you NEED to win her, its pressure on her and it wont be attractive. Just assume she wont move backwards to what she decided wasnt working in the first place. If she comes looking for you, you treat her as a low priority, dont be so available. You can be friends, but just as long as youre not as available as a friend is. Youre BUSY, and you dont have time for her. Let her earn your time since she decided she didnt want to be in a relationship with you.

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bluenightowl
Dave, I know what happened. This will help you let the whole situation go.

 

She is ready for a relationship, thats why she tried it, just not with YOU. She was in love with her ex, and you were a rebound. She used you to break it off with her ex, because compared to him at the time, you seemed to be someone she would be a better match with. Probably because she didnt want to be alone. She didnt want to feel the hurt of her breakup and deal with it alone, so she thought you could make her forget about her ex and sweep her off her feet.

 

But at some point, you werent working for her. You could have said something that turned her off, or she just realized that you werent what she thought you was. Either way, she decided that she would never feel the butterflies with you, and THATS why she broke it off. She knew it would never work with you.

 

So keep away from her, and date around. Do NOT wait for her to come to you. If she knows you NEED to win her, its pressure on her and it wont be attractive. Just assume she wont move backwards to what she decided wasnt working in the first place. If she comes looking for you, you treat her as a low priority, dont be so available. You can be friends, but just as long as youre not as available as a friend is. Youre BUSY, and you dont have time for her. Let her earn your time since she decided she didnt want to be in a relationship with you.

 

+1 great advice.

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I don't understand this thing that people say about not being ready for a relationship, except in some circumstances:

 

I can understand it from the point of view of having too much stress in one's life and too much to sort out that, so that you don't want a partner to have to deal with it. Then, it seems best to sort out the stuff and start afresh to welcome someone into your life without all the stuff to deal with.

 

I suppose if someone is still stuck on an ex, then they won't be ready for a relationship - perhaps this is the case with the woman you were dating?

 

Also, when the other party looks like they might want to get serious, that is the time for a rethink. If you don't feel that strongly about them, maybe it's time to get out because you know you won't want a serious relationship with them. A casual relationship might have been OK, but it's clear it was heading for exclusivity, fidelity and restrictions - like having to justify who you are talking to and suchlike - then that can seem too much.

 

But just not being ready for a relationship with someone you are wildly attracted to and whose company you love, seems to me unlikely. It sounds to me like she is either still stuck on her ex or she senses you getting too attached and she doesn't feel you would be right for her long term, so she is backing out now before the situation gets deep and complicated.

Edited by spiderowl
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I get exactly how you feel. Except I'm the female version of you... It is clear that they like you, there is chemistry, common interests and values, sexual tension, laughs and fun times...but there has just been so much hurt and pain it is hard for them to move on. Everyone else thinks you two should be together, but it is just not happening.

 

With my guy, we dated for a few months, but he told me he was lost and confused at the start. So I knew that he wasn't ready for a relationship. I ended it after a few months, because I worked out that I was going to get hurt if it kept going...but I did make it clear that when he was ready maybe we could try again. We didn't speak for 2 months, but now are friends. We speak, see each other or text every second day or so...and it us really hard not to jump on him and kiss him. I know he is very fond of me, definitely sexually attracted to me (but we do not kiss or anything)...but he really can't make that next step.

 

I think what some others have written here is the right way to go for both if us (although it is damned scary-as you have to wonder if that in turn will give them the wring idea). We should keep our options open to other people, be more vague about plans that do not involve them.... (in my case, if I have plans that don't involve him he asks if I have a hot date, then once I answer in the negative, he leaves it)...

 

I guess in our cases, if it is meant to be, it is meant to be...If not there will be someone else.

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WhyWontYouBe
Dave, I know what happened. This will help you let the whole situation go.

 

She is ready for a relationship, thats why she tried it, just not with YOU. She was in love with her ex, and you were a rebound. She used you to break it off with her ex, because compared to him at the time, you seemed to be someone she would be a better match with. Probably because she didnt want to be alone. She didnt want to feel the hurt of her breakup and deal with it alone, so she thought you could make her forget about her ex and sweep her off her feet.

 

But at some point, you werent working for her. You could have said something that turned her off, or she just realized that you werent what she thought you was. Either way, she decided that she would never feel the butterflies with you, and THATS why she broke it off. She knew it would never work with you.

 

So keep away from her, and date around. Do NOT wait for her to come to you. If she knows you NEED to win her, its pressure on her and it wont be attractive. Just assume she wont move backwards to what she decided wasnt working in the first place. If she comes looking for you, you treat her as a low priority, dont be so available. You can be friends, but just as long as youre not as available as a friend is. Youre BUSY, and you dont have time for her. Let her earn your time since she decided she didnt want to be in a relationship with you.

 

+1 - this is a really good post.

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ThsAmericanLife

I'd argue that it is always dangerous to try to figure out what other people are thinking...

 

She said she isn't ready for a relationship. Take that as face value and find something else to do with your time. If/when she is ready, she will come back to you.

 

If not, then you won't have wasted your time.

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Professor X
What if you have great chemistry with someone but she isn't ready for a relationship

 

Than I would argue that you didn't have such great chemistry to begin with. I think that "chemistry" was more one sided than you are willing to admit.

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bluenightowl

Also, when the other party looks like they might want to get serious, that is the time for a rethink. If you don't feel that strongly about them, maybe it's time to get out because you know you won't want a serious relationship with them. A casual relationship might have been OK, but it's clear it was heading for exclusivity, fidelity and restrictions - like having to justify who you are talking to and suchlike - then that can seem too much.

 

But just not being ready for a relationship with someone you are wildly attracted to and whose company you love, seems to me unlikely. It sounds to me like she is either still stuck on her ex or she senses you getting too attached and she doesn't feel you would be right for her long term, so she is backing out now before the situation gets deep and complicated.

 

I completely agree with this. Its been my experience on both sides. Sometimes you don't know until you feel pressure, then suddenly you feel the need to make a tougher decision where earlier you could just enjoy your time together.

 

As well, I've had experiences with women who seemed very interested in me, only to withdraw once they felt a bit of pressure.

 

I think the only solution is to back off. Doing more will just backfire. She/he needs to come back to you and giving them space to think about it will help them and ultimately you are well. If they come back, then you know they are interested and if they don't, you know they aren't and saved you some time and effort.

 

That said, I think if someone really likes you, its hard to do much wrong. Its when they are lukewarm and probably still looking for something better or thinking about their ex. I think you have to take charge of your interests however and be prepared to let go if need be as hard as that is.

Edited by bluenightowl
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I had been friends with this girl for a while, it seemed obvious that we had good chemistry, but because I was getting over a breakup and she was in a long distance relationship, we did nothing about it. Well a few weeks after she broke up with her boyfriend, she confessed her feelings to me and I admitted I felt the same about her. We decided to start dating and the chemistry was even better than I had suspected. A few weeks into dating, though, she broke up with me, saying it was too much, too fast and that she wasn't ready for a relationship. She said would just want something serious with me if we continued and after spending so much time and effort on relationships that didn't work out in the past, she needed to spend time on herself.

 

While I understand where she is coming from, I can't help but feel disappointed. I have had a lot of experience dating (I am now 34 years old after all), and this is something I have never had with someone before. While we were friends, then while we were dating, and even now when we have broken up, we get along so well together, and when we have disagreements we can't stay mad each other for long at all. Besides, she is very attractive, intelligent, and fun to be around. So finding someone so great, who says she really likes me, and not being able to be with her is really difficult. I don't think I have any choice but to move on, but how do I do that? And how do I keep the door open to possibly trying again should she decide she is ready?

 

I'd talk to her and just push to slow things down.

 

I don't get why ideal matches can't just slow things down. "I need to be single for a while" is something I never understood unless that person has deep wounds from the past RL. Most of the time I think it's just insecurity coming out because this person thinks they might be taking a convenient path and worry some BBD will come along.

 

Talk deep to her about it...then see where it goes. If she doesn't want to be with you now, then keep the phone lines open but meet other women. Sometimes the thought of seeing you end up with someone else might shake her out of her insecurity and grab on to you.

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bluenightowl
I'd talk to her and just push to slow things down.

 

I don't get why ideal matches can't just slow things down. "I need to be single for a while" is something I never understood unless that person has deep wounds from the past RL. Most of the time I think it's just insecurity coming out because this person thinks they might be taking a convenient path and worry some BBD will come along.

 

Talk deep to her about it...then see where it goes. If she doesn't want to be with you now, then keep the phone lines open but meet other women. Sometimes the thought of seeing you end up with someone else might shake her out of her insecurity and grab on to you.

 

Perhaps the match isn't 'ideal' if you need to get into such conversations. Sometimes it is these people are wounded and are possibly looking for a BBD. But that doesn't sound like an ideal partner, at least, at this point in time.

 

I think its true sometime men and women jump too fast, but more often I think its that the person realized you were not the one for them.

 

There is the whole camp of don't rush, take things slow and see how it goes. I think that is a good way to go for anyone looking for a LTR because it allow YOU to consider whether they are right for YOU or not. But if they say they feel that its too much too soon, I suspect more than feeling just that, they are scared to get into a relationship or worse don't like you and that should be a RED FLAG for you too.

 

The only way to know at this point is to back off completely and just keep dating. Sometimes just when you think there is no one who will rock your world, another one comes along.

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Than I would argue that you didn't have such great chemistry to begin with. I think that "chemistry" was more one sided than you are willing to admit.

 

Two or three times she said to me, "I think we have really good chemistry." When she broke up with me she told me that she thought she would fall in love with me very easily and she wasn't ready for that. I could tell you several more incidents but it would be more than I want to reveal on here. So I am sure chemistry was not the issue. It had to be something else.

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