eerie_reverie Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 One of my friends has had a crush on the guy I am dating for close to a year. He knows that she likes him, but he has never been interested or led her on in any way. However, she has never so much as kissed a guy so this crush is pretty important to her. I stayed away from him for a year after we met based on her feelings, but now we have been together for a month, and I seriously think I am going to marry him. I am totally smitten and the feelings appear to be mutual. What is the right thing to do regarding my friend? Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 If the friend was important to me, I would've asked her permission before dating him. That would've given her three responses with variations (a) get so mad I asked that she was already angry at me, (b) say No, © say Yes. Then I would've dealt with each of those outcomes. If I was so overwhelmingly into the guy and actually knew him and saw him as a potential marriage partner, I would have presented that to the friend, and I honestly cannot imagine any of my friends saying "No" but if she said "No," I'd have to choose which was most important, the friend or the chance at a partner. It would depend on how good the friend, how I felt, why I felt that way, how she reacted to my request, etc. If she did (a), she wouldn't be someone I'd want to stay friends with anyway. But since you're already dating him, what can you really do? You've already chosen to date him. The "right" thing to do no longer really matters. There's no real way to make that better for your friend; she'll either be okay with it or she won't. Link to post Share on other sites
OliveOyl Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Just a crush? Sorry, that does not make him "hands-off" territory in my book. She will just have to deal, there's not much you can do about it. I wouldn't have asked permission, I don't think it's necessary. An ex, yes, a crush, no. Link to post Share on other sites
sm1tten Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Why do you have to "do" anything? Your feelings for him clearly override your feelings about HER feelings for him or you wouldn't have started dating him. If she doesn't know, then tell her I guess, but you've already "done" something by deciding to date him knowing that she would be butt-hurt about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author eerie_reverie Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 He is definitely not an ex, and she is only recently becoming a closer friend, but I work with her and she has always looked up to me. I feel bad overall but even worse that it's this particular girl I am going to be hurting because she is the sweetest person I know. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelsgoodman Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 One of my friends has had a crush on the guy I am dating for close to a year. He knows that she likes him, but he has never been interested or led her on in any way. However, she has never so much as kissed a guy so this crush is pretty important to her. I stayed away from him for a year after we met based on her feelings, but now we have been together for a month, and I seriously think I am going to marry him. I am totally smitten and the feelings appear to be mutual. What is the right thing to do regarding my friend? What's the right thing to do? Threesome, naturally! On a side note, isn't it a bit early to contemplate marriage after one month of dating? Link to post Share on other sites
Author eerie_reverie Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 I guess my question is, what is the best possible way to tell her? And when? Is sooner better than later, or should I wait until we are more established/ more serious? Link to post Share on other sites
iJester Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Just tell her now, before she finds out. Just be honest and up front. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 I guess my question is, what is the best possible way to tell her? And when? Is sooner better than later, or should I wait until we are more established/ more serious? Sooner is better, that way she can look for another crush. She has to learn at some point that she has to deal with other peoples choices, and they dont always work in her favor. If you know shes going to be hurt, theres nothing you can do or say to make her feel better. You werent close enough to her to tell her that he asked you out from the beginning, so you will just have to deal with the guilt. She might be understanding, but if she isnt, you just have to deal with it. Just tell her that youve been dating him for a month and you just wanted to let her know now, and you waited this long because you couldnt figure out how to tell her without hurting her. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Just a crush? Sorry, that does not make him "hands-off" territory in my book. She will just have to deal, there's not much you can do about it. I wouldn't have asked permission, I don't think it's necessary. An ex, yes, a crush, no. I didn't mean to imply one had to always ask permission. (It's what I'd do, but as I said, all my friends would say, "Go for it!" as would I. You either act on a crush or you let the next woman act on it.) That's just what I would've done to do away with any dissonance if it were me. But was only saying if it wasn't done, I don't see the point in trying to make any kind of amends after the fact. There is nothing to be done at this point. And sooner is better to tell her. I would definitely feel bad if a friend kept it from me that she was dating a guy I'd crushed on or been rejected by---that only compounds the humiliation. Link to post Share on other sites
torn_curtain Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 tell her now Link to post Share on other sites
Author eerie_reverie Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 Thanks a lot for everyone's responses. I told her. It was a hard thing to do but ended up being one of the most positive experiences I've ever had in a friendship. She was upset and she cried but she wasn't angry. She said that she didn't think I did anything wrong, she would be happy for me if it worked out, and that she appreciated my letting her know. Her tears were of a general variety: part embarassent at having kept her hopes up about this guy for soooo long, part sadness that she has not found anyone yet. I stayed for a few hours to comfort her. It's a huge weight off my chest to know my relationship can proceed without any sneaking around. It makes me feel so much lighter to know I'm not doing wrong by anyone with all this. I saw her today and there was no awkwardness whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
Cee Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 That's a happy ending all around. You have fallen in love and your friend is free to pursue other men. It's terribly painful to be stuck in unrequited love. I wish your female friend the best in her pursuit of romantic happiness. She sounds like a kind and generous person. And you are blessed to have her friendship and your new love. Enjoy! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts