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Okay... last thread about this ever I promise. But I'm ready for the cold/hard truth


Tasha49

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Some of you may know about my situation but for those who don't basically I have been with a guy for over a year where we do everything a couple does but he refuses to call it anything. Or call me his girlfriend. Behind closed doors he is Prince Charming to me, but in front of the world he is just a friend, basically. And I am tired of it.

 

I love him, he does love me... but I feel worthless at the end of the day and I am never happy anymore. I feel like he is taking me for granted and it makes me feel so unimportant. I want him to be happy and willing to hold my hand in front of people, but no... he refuses. I can't even touch him around anyone who knows him. He isn't ashamed either because I am beyond in shape and men all turn heads (Not being conceited, just sayin).

 

I am a good person, and I just can't believe I even hoped this would end well. I kept holding on but all I am doing is digging a hole. I deserve better. I am so good to him. I bring him dinner at work from restaurants and eat with him EVERY Monday and Tuesday (he offers to pay me back but I never accept), ever since the beginning of last year. Who else would ever do that for him? I am way too nice to him and sometimes I feel like he doesn't appreciate the many things I do for him. I have been a loyal, patient, and understanding "half-girlfriend" for the entire duration of this bs situation. But I am so tired of it.

 

Once again... I need help. Why do you guys think he is dragging me along? I am the only girl he hangs out with or spends time with (We're together a ton, and if we're not we have a mutual friend who tells me everything because he is on my side), so he is not seeing someone else. He could be hooking up at parties but I don't know. He clearly cares for me so much everyone around me sees it but if he TRULY was in love with me, wouldn't he know by now that he wants to be with me?

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Ruby Slippers
I am way too nice to him and sometimes I feel like he doesn't appreciate the many things I do for him.

He doesn't. In my experience -- and I say this as a woman with a history of being very loving and good to men -- they never appreciate it when you are consistently good to them. They might for a while, but they always take you for granted eventually.

 

Start being a little more of a bitch. And just watch and marvel at how he starts falling over himself to please you.

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Excuse the cliche, but he doesnt want to buy the cow because he's getting the milk for free... assuming you two are intimate, of course.

 

He wants to keep his options open. He likes all the perks of having a girlfriend... He gets the intimacy, the companionship, but doesnt have to "deal with the commitments" of it...

 

Screw the wishy washy BS... I woulda told that dude to sh*t or get off the pot, 6 months ago.

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Any guy that deems you an important part of his life wouldn't keep you a secret.

 

Don't you think you deserve better than being his secret?

 

You're handling this the wrong way- going out of your way to be generous and doing nice things for him. What do you get in return? Denial.

 

It's not like you don't have any power in the "arrangement"- you can say NO and walk away.

 

You've been accepting this treatment, waiting for him to change his ways- yet he hasn't. You're in the driver's seat- because you can choose to walk away.

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http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/11-signs-he-s-not-headed-toward-a-relationship-with-you-2510727/

 

 

Hate to say it but he doesn't sound like he wants a relationship with you.

While the exact thing he is doing to you isn't on the list but it certainly is there in spirit.

 

I think you should look at this realtionship seriously and re-evaluate what it is worth to you.. if it is worth staying then force his hand, some men have been known to need a push.

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It's not ME. he doesn't want a relationship with ANYone. Trust me if he wanted one it would be with me, because we are PERFECT together. Very rarely argue (only when it comes to me getting upset about him not committing), laugh all the time together, he lights up whenever he sees me (his eyes) and his smile is huge and real. He kisses me a lot. And I can feel how much he cares in the kisses. He is not using me for sex because it does not happen all the time and not every time we're together. His mom, who means the universe knows all about me and what we are (or are not). He introduced me to her and she really likes me. We are going to California in 5 days with his mom, step-dad, and little sister. He really wanted me to come and is genuiny excited about it.

 

I do not understand. He has told me he just doesn't want to be tied down like his last gf of 6 years did to him. She also cheated on him and left him for the other guy in the end. So he may have commitment fear but he is going to miss out on so much in life by holding back.

 

He makes future plan suggestions, like going to see his whole family who lives in Colombia. He wants them all to meet me. He always asks me what I plan to do in the future, like how many kids, if and when I plan to get married... Etc etc. When we are together it is so perfect. His friends kind of know about our situation and want him to date me but clearly he has not listened. I am just so run down by all of this. I don't want to be a secret anymore. I want to be so much more.

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Does it matter if it isn't just you ?

 

He is telling you the way he is.. it's up to you to accept it or kick him to the curb.. and honestly the guy sounds like a heartbreak in your future.

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Any guy that deems you an important part of his life wouldn't keep you a secret.

 

Don't you think you deserve better than being his secret?

 

You're handling this the wrong way- going out of your way to be generous and doing nice things for him. What do you get in return? Denial.

 

It's not like you don't have any power in the "arrangement"- you can say NO and walk away.

 

You've been accepting this treatment, waiting for him to change his ways- yet he hasn't. You're in the driver's seat- because you can choose to walk away.

 

You are right. And I HATE the fact that even though people know a little bit about us, he won't even be affectionate toward me around them. It makes me feel so ****ty. That is not right, under any circumstance. And it is completely unacceptable to me. How would HE feel if the roles were reversed?

 

I plan to end it for good after our vacation. Because I am so hurt that I will never be happy and it is really screwed up of me if I don't realize that.

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it seems as if you're trying to make excuses for his complete lack of commitment to you... and that you're trying to upsell the "relationship" that you two have.

 

If you've met his entire family, and all your friends know about this silly facade you are putting on, then it doesnt really seem to be all that secretive.

 

That being said, if you honestly have as great a time as you seem to, and youre being faithful to each other... then the only thing thats lacking is the title? Then what it really boils down to is how much that truly matters to you. Can you keep it status quo? Or is that declaration a non negotiable?

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Does it matter if it isn't just you ?

 

He is telling you the way he is.. it's up to you to accept it or kick him to the curb.. and honestly the guy sounds like a heartbreak in your future.

 

The only reason I keep staying is because he says he wants to be with me and he loves me, and to give it time. But he has said this for 6 months now. And 2 months ago he told me to give him 2 weeks to decide...

 

You and everyone else who has told me I'm bound for heartbreak are right. Even I know it. But some stupid part of my mind is telling me there may be one chance he could finally come around. But how long am I willing to wait? Certainly not until he finds someone else...

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it seems as if you're trying to make excuses for his complete lack of commitment to you... and that you're trying to upsell the "relationship" that you two have.

 

If you've met his entire family, and all your friends know about this silly facade you are putting on, then it doesnt really seem to be all that secretive.

 

That being said, if you honestly have as great a time as you seem to, and youre being faithful to each other... then the only thing thats lacking is the title? Then what it really boils down to is how much that truly matters to you. Can you keep it status quo? Or is that declaration a non negotiable?

 

It IS secretive. Because he won't acknowledge me in any form of a romantic way in front of ANYONE. That is why the title is what I want. Because this is not how a real relationship should be. I am not making excuses for him. I am simply telling you what he does.

 

I am just sick of him not treating me like I should be. He should WANT people to know about me and that he loves me. He refuses to say he loves me by text because he is afraid I'll show someone. And when i tell him I love him or miss him he ignores my text completely.

 

Not cool...

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You are right. And I HATE the fact that even though people know a little bit about us, he won't even be affectionate toward me around them. It makes me feel so ****ty. That is not right, under any circumstance. And it is completely unacceptable to me. How would HE feel if the roles were reversed?

 

I plan to end it for good after our vacation. Because I am so hurt that I will never be happy and it is really screwed up of me if I don't realize that.

 

After your vacation?

Book from this dude ASAP.

Why go on a vacation with him when you'll harbour deeper feelings and disrespect yourself further.

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You would do yourself good if you slowed down all these nice things you are doing for him. Let him chase and wonder about you a bit.

 

And yes, I am a guy.

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Thank you for your replies everyone. Harsh or not I just need to know that I am not being unreasonable for wanting a title.

 

He lives in a party house, throws a few parties on the weekends and NEVER invites me. But he invites me over any other day where he is just hanging out. The only thing I can think of is that he just wants to hook up right now because he was only in one relationship for 6 years and that started when he was 16. Maybe he isn't ready to settle. Maybe he doesn't want to tell girls at parties he is taken. Who the hell knows?

 

But he screwed a good thing up.

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After your vacation?

Book from this dude ASAP.

Why go on a vacation with him when you'll harbour deeper feelings and disrespect yourself further.

 

Well I wanted to put he booked the flights a month ago and I forked over the 350 bucks. By the time I realized I want out for good it was too late.

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You would do yourself good if you slowed down all these nice things you are doing for him. Let him chase and wonder about you a bit.

 

And yes, I am a guy.

 

Every time I pull back he gets upset and tells me I don't show that I care anymore. So Im scared to play hard to get because sometimes they shrug a d just move on because the chase is not worth it.

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A girl who brings me food to my work to eat it with me everyday is like one of my secret romantic fantasies. Just saying. ;)

 

As for your issue, I really dont know whats going on in his mind and neither does anyone else on this forum. This is a rather strange situation.

 

The only advice I can give you is that you have the right to demand as much as you are willing to give. Dont sell yourself short.

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Also... how do I go about ending this in a way that could make him think? I don't want to just say, "Bye I give up." i feel like that would be bad closure and that I should say more. Or should I not say much at all?

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Every time I pull back he gets upset and tells me I don't show that I care anymore. So Im scared to play hard to get because sometimes they shrug a d just move on because the chase is not worth it.

 

The chase is not worth it?

Any guy that wants to be with you will put in the effort.

This guy is DEMONSTRATING to you that you're not worth the effort.

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A girl who brings me food to my work to eat it with me everyday is like one of my secret romantic fantasies. Just saying. ;)

 

As for your issue, I really dont know whats going on in his mind and neither does anyone else on this forum. This is a rather strange situation.

 

The only advice I can give you is that you have the right to demand as much as you are willing to give. Dont sell yourself short.

 

Well I was hoping a male mind could give some insight if perhaps they were ever in this guys shoes. But maybe I am on my own in terms of figuring out what the heck he's thinking.

 

But thanks :) I guess knowing why he behaves this way is not important since I am not content and it is most assuredly never going to be taken to a higher level. It just sucks because of all this time I have invested due to feeling like we have something special. I mean really we do so much together and are always laughing together and having fun.

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I'll take a guess at what is happening. It's either one of two things:

 

1. He was in a long-term relationship (6 years) and got hurt, and is determined not to be put in that situation again. Therefore, he's getting the benefits out of the relationship with you, but not allowing himself to become emotionally invested in the relationship, so that if it ends, he will not get hurt again.

 

2. He doesn't see you as a final choice and is keeping his options open until something better comes along. He is using you until he finds the right one.

 

I'd guess it's more likely the first scenario. You would be wise to leave him. No point in wasting your time with someone that can't give you a normal relationship.

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The chase is not worth it?

Any guy that wants to be with you will put in the effort.

This guy is DEMONSTRATING to you that you're not worth the effort.

 

Well yes. But at times he makes me feel cherished. Others not so much because of his lack of commitment and affection in front of people. So it is half and half. All in all, not something I want now.

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I'll take a guess at what is happening. It's either one of two things:

 

1. He was in a long-term relationship (6 years) and got hurt, and is determined not to be put in that situation again. Therefore, he's getting the benefits out of the relationship with you, but not allowing himself to become emotionally invested in the relationship, so that if it ends, he will not get hurt again.

 

2. He doesn't see you as a final choice and is keeping his options open until something better comes along. He is using you until he finds the right one.

 

I'd guess it's more likely the first scenario. You would be wise to leave him. No point in wasting your time with someone that can't give you a normal relationship.

 

He IS emotionally invested, though. I walked away a time already and a friend told me at work he was depressed and closed off. Eyes were red and puffy too. He cares. When I stopped talking to him he made even more of an effort. The next time I saw him he looked so happy to see me at work (yes, sigh, I work with him on the weekend) and said he missed me and wanted to take me out to dinner.

 

That's another thing. He buys my dinner ALL the time. Even expensove steak dinners when he doesn't make a whole lot of money. If he was using me I doubt he'd put any effort in on his end. But he does put a lot in.

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A month ago he took me on a whale watch cruise which was expensive. We had the best time. He was even kissing me in front of other passengers and touching me affectionately the whole time. It was nothing short of amazing.

 

When we got back for about a week straight I stayed with him at his place. We'd cook breakfast and dinner together and watch movies. He was all over me romantically, not sexually. Caressing me and saying he loves me. He even held my hand a few times in the store. Put his arm around me too.

 

Then when his new guy roommates all moved in, our time together was put on the back burner slightly. He hangs out with them about 70% of the time now. I don't understand why.

 

This is not acceptable and a part of why I need to move on.

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He IS emotionally invested, though. I walked away a time already and a friend told me at work he was depressed and closed off. Eyes were red and puffy too. He cares. When I stopped talking to him he made even more of an effort. The next time I saw him he looked so happy to see me at work (yes, sigh, I work with him on the weekend) and said he missed me and wanted to take me out to dinner.

 

That's another thing. He buys my dinner ALL the time. Even expensove steak dinners when he doesn't make a whole lot of money. If he was using me I doubt he'd put any effort in on his end. But he does put a lot in.

Maybe he just has trouble showing public displays of affection and keeps his guard up in public because he has a fear you might leave him someday, and he doesn't want to look foolish in front of others. He was probably pretty humiliated when his other girlfriend left him for somebody else. It's a self-protective measure to avoid humiliation in the future. He also may have trouble saying "I love you" or hearing that from you because it puts your relationship on a higher level that he is not ready for and is afraid of. I think he is afraid of getting hurt, and that is why he is behaving the way he is.

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