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does my married coworker like me or just friendly?


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Old 15th July 2011, 4:58 PM   #1
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does my married coworker like me or just friendly?

I've had an innocent crush on a coworker for the past six months or so, probably even longer but I only realized it around then. We've always clicked and spent the first year or so we worked together joking around a ton - lots of inside jokes, teasing each other. We would text after hours and on the weekends on occasion, but nothing regularly. I never thought much of it, he was just a buddy.


Our jobs have changed and we don't work together anymore and our relationship has changed. In the last six months, we've started to flirt a little bit. 5th grade type flirting - lots of eye contact and smiles and lots of teasing. He texts me more regularly outside of work, but still nothing regularly. We chat on im everyday at work about non-work related stuff. We got to lunch alone outside of our work building. If I take a day vacation, I get texts from him wondering where I am. When he takes vacation (even with his family), I hear from him in some way.
I feel like he sends me mixed signals, Sometimes, when I see him in person at the office unexpectedly, he gives me the cold shoulder. I don't think he goes out of his way to see me, but he does reach out over email / im every day.



This crush kind of hit me hard and out of nowhere, it was totally off my radar until recently and now I find myself thinking about him all the time. I know the whole morality of it is an entirely separate issue - we're both married - but that's not what I'm curious about right now (or want a lecture on).



I don't plan on acting on this crush, just trying to get a second person's opinion on whether it's reciprocated or not. So, what do you think? Does he have feelings for me, too?



Thanks in advance for not judging. I know I can control my actions, but I can't control my feelings.
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Old 15th July 2011, 5:04 PM   #2
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Does it make a difference? knowing if he is into you or not? Other than feeding you ego, making you feel wanted and desired by someone you can never have? you said yourself, that you can't control how you feel but you CAN control your actions. So, ask yourself what is the point of knowing if he likes you the same way or not?

I don't mean to sound snarky, if reads that way, it's not meant to be.
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Old 15th July 2011, 5:07 PM   #3
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I'm not sure why it matters. I guess to validate that it's not in my head? Plus, I don't want to be flirting by myself. I'd like to know he's at least enjoying it, if that makes sense.
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Old 15th July 2011, 5:11 PM   #4
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The best way to determine friendly or more is to enact the same words and behaviors in front of your respective spouses. If you get the thumbs-up from them, you're good to go

He's already demonstrated behaviors far beyond platonic friendliness, so form whatever conclusions you wish. I personally think you already know the answer. Every MW I've ever had contact with has. Women are smart
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Old 15th July 2011, 5:11 PM   #5
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Quote:
I don't plan on acting on this crush, just trying to get a second person's opinion on whether it's reciprocated or not. So, what do you think? Does he have feelings for me, too?
Who knows? Probably. Why don't you ask him and find out?

Or maybe have a chat with your hubby instead...

Quote:
he best way to determine friendly or more is to enact the same words and behaviors in front of your respective spouses.
That too.
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Old 15th July 2011, 5:17 PM   #6
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I'm not sure why it matters. I guess to validate that it's not in my head? Plus, I don't want to be flirting by myself. I'd like to know he's at least enjoying it, if that makes sense.
Okay, this is 'ego' talking, not your heart or head.

Stop flirting with him. He is married and it's one thing to give a compliment or two, it's another to be texting during off hours when not at work and on weekends. That's his family time and he shouldn't be playing cutesy with you or any other woman other than his wife! OF COURSE he is enjoying it, what man, married or not, wouldn't enjoy an ego feed and some flirting? The thing is, you like this guy...A little too much and before you know it, you're going to become emotionally attached to him.

What if a week or two goes by and you don't hear from him? How will your heart feel? Do you rely on this guy to make you feel good and put a smile on your face?

Stop now before this does turn into something more. It has potiential to.

Also, wasting time and energy on a guy who is married is pointless.
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Old 15th July 2011, 5:21 PM   #7
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Also just read now that you are married too.

Ask yourself how you would feel if YOUR husband was doing this behind your back? On weekends, during family time, during dinner, during reading time with the kids.. Come on. You know this is wrong and obviously this IS affecting your marriage, how you connect (not connect now) with your husband. Wasting this energy on a MM instead of your own husband.

What are you going to tell your H if he stumbles across your texts? Deer in headlight reaction? Blame him? Blame the MM that he chases you and it means nothing? Or stand up and apologize for your own behaviour?

How would you feel, again, if the situation was reversed and your H was doing this behind your back with a married woman. Bet it would hurt and make you feel awful...
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Old 15th July 2011, 5:35 PM   #8
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One thing that I'm curious about...

What boundaries have you set up with your hubby when it comes to flirting?
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Old 15th July 2011, 6:40 PM   #9
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Also just read now that you are married too.

Ask yourself how you would feel if YOUR husband was doing this behind your back? On weekends, during family time, during dinner, during reading time with the kids.. Come on. You know this is wrong and obviously this IS affecting your marriage, how you connect (not connect now) with your husband. Wasting this energy on a MM instead of your own husband.

What are you going to tell your H if he stumbles across your texts? Deer in headlight reaction? Blame him? Blame the MM that he chases you and it means nothing? Or stand up and apologize for your own behaviour?

How would you feel, again, if the situation was reversed and your H was doing this behind your back with a married woman. Bet it would hurt and make you feel awful...
My husband knows I'm kind of a natural flirt, but he would definitely not be happy. i'm not proud of my crush, but I have genuine feelings for this guy. And to be honest, I'm enjoying the flirtation.
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Old 15th July 2011, 6:41 PM   #10
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Okay, this is 'ego' talking, not your heart or head.

Stop flirting with him. He is married and it's one thing to give a compliment or two, it's another to be texting during off hours when not at work and on weekends. That's his family time and he shouldn't be playing cutesy with you or any other woman other than his wife! OF COURSE he is enjoying it, what man, married or not, wouldn't enjoy an ego feed and some flirting? The thing is, you like this guy...A little too much and before you know it, you're going to become emotionally attached to him.

What if a week or two goes by and you don't hear from him? How will your heart feel? Do you rely on this guy to make you feel good and put a smile on your face?

Stop now before this does turn into something more. It has potiential to.

Also, wasting time and energy on a guy who is married is pointless.
Uh-oh, it's kind of too late. I think Ive already caught feelings. The question is how do I know he has feelings for me or is just enjoying the flirting??

thanks for your responses!
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Old 15th July 2011, 6:48 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by carhill View Post
The best way to determine friendly or more is to enact the same words and behaviors in front of your respective spouses. If you get the thumbs-up from them, you're good to go
thanks for the response. funny you bring up the wife. I did meet her once in a group setting and he was anything but comfortable and was standoffish the next day at work. what does that say?
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Old 15th July 2011, 6:53 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by greenbeans123 View Post
thanks for the response. funny you bring up the wife. I did meet her once in a group setting and he was anything but comfortable and was standoffish the next day at work. what does that say?
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Originally Posted by carhill
He's already demonstrated behaviors far beyond platonic friendliness, so form whatever conclusions you wish. I personally think you already know the answer.
If this is helpful at all, my exW observed similar and a divorce filing was the result. Like I said, women are smart.
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Old 15th July 2011, 7:17 PM   #13
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My husband knows I'm kind of a natural flirt, but he would definitely not be happy. i'm not proud of my crush, but I have genuine feelings for this guy. And to be honest, I'm enjoying the flirtation.
You have genuine feelings for this guy, so that's all the more reason to stay away from him. Do you see how dangerous this is?

What's going on inside of you that you've allowed yourself to fall for another man? What are you unhappy about? Please don't blame your husband for getting attention outside of your marriage, or if you two are having issues, don't put it all on him. You do have choices, to talk to him and sort it out, reconnect, go on date nights, make your sex life more exciting, instead of letting feelings grow for another man.
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Old 15th July 2011, 7:17 PM   #14
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If this is helpful at all, my exW observed similar and a divorce filing was the result. Like I said, women are smart.
Hmmmm. Interesting. Although we're definitely not there yet. I guess that serves as a good warning though!
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Old 15th July 2011, 7:19 PM   #15
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Uh-oh, it's kind of too late. I think Ive already caught feelings. The question is how do I know he has feelings for me or is just enjoying the flirting??

thanks for your responses!
GB, it shouldn't matter. You are married and he is married. Your focus is at the wrong place and so are your priorities!

So, let's say he has feelings too. What then? you talk to him about it? Explore it? WHY do you want to know, other than it'll feed your ego? What if it's a bit of both? WHAT good is going to come of this? Think about that.
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