albysurfin Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Tricky Situation Here, I have been dating this girl for about 2 months and we were really close for 6 months before we had gotten romantically involved. I am totally in Love with her and everything has gone Great; Except my parents and my sister said they weren't very impressed by her ( which is No real big deal because they are critical of everyone I date) But We were in a Social Situation this weekend with my parents and long time friends, and apparently my friends did not like my girlfriend and told my parents and sister etc. So my sister relayed the information to me last night. This was a hard pill to swallow since what I share with this person is so special. My girlfriend is unlike anyone I have ever dated and definitely not my "usual" type, she is extremely independent and can be pretty outspoken. So I think that might have been a turn off to them? I am just really confused what to do about this situation, because this has been an amazing relationship so far, I just don't know what to do about my friends, It is kinda like there being critical. When my friends are dating someone, if they are happy I am happy. I just dont understand why they don't feel the same way Please Help! Link to post Share on other sites
morphius Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 If you really love this girl then while your families opinions are important to you, If they care about you then they will be happy to see you happy!!! They can guide you and advise you, even tell you that they think she is wrong for you, at the end of the day it is your choice and it's unfair for the people close to you to try and manipulate your opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 I think it's interesting that your friends reported their dislike of your gf to your sister -- and she felt she needed to share this information with you. I'm not saying that your sister is being dishonest with you about what your friends said to her. But I think the fact that your friends didn't feel they should speak to you directly about their opinion of your gf suggests that maybe they felt their dislike wasn't based on something they were willing to admit to. I don't know what your social world consists of -- tight-knit church group, country club or what -- but if you can see that there are some big differences between the prevailing norms in your social circle and they way your gf conducts herself, then you can probably pinpoint the source of friction. If it's something that you feel your friends and family are being uptight/narrow-minded/snobbish about, then you should just ignore them. And spare your gf their company as much as possible. If you're not prepared to resist their negativity, then you shouldn't ask your girlfriend to try to be a part of your life. By the way how old are you? Ask your two closest friends what they think of your girlfriend. Be frank with them about the tension you've picked up on (and heard about from your sister). Listen to what they have to say. Do the same with your family. Just ask them what their objections to her are. Don't get hostile with them. Don't try to defend her. Solicit their opinions. Then think about whether you think they're being reasonable. If not, and if you are prepared to stand up to them, tell them that you've heard them out, and you disagree. And now that you've heard them you won't require any repetitions of their opinion. They're free to think what they like about her, but common courtesy ought to hold their tongues in your presence. You don't need any snide remarks, arch questions or false concern. If they can't say something nice, they should say nothing at all. Don't kid yourself: if you're in the midst of a bunch of bigots or snobs, they're probably not going to warm to your girlfriend just because you decide to go against the flow. You'll have to be prepared to really stand up to them. Telling your gf about their dislike of her would not be kind to her, although it may well be very apparent to her already. Link to post Share on other sites
Author albysurfin Posted November 17, 2003 Author Share Posted November 17, 2003 Thanks Midori, That is some great advice and have listened to my parents and sister without being defensive and I just have to cross that bridge with my friends. By The Way I am 30 years old. Also my longtime friends wife who brought this up to my sister is like best friends with my ex girlfriend and has a little bit of a history of mettling with things which really makes me question her intentions; Because I know she was probably on the phone with my Ex immediately after giving her the whole low down. It is just that so much of this seems pretty narrow minded, I guess. I know my friends say they are coming from a place of concern for me but..... I feel I should be able to live my life with the person I choose too without the feeling that people are being critical of the person I have chosen to be with Albysurfin Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Remember the words "LOVE IS BLIND"? i think it might be possible you're in that situation right now. you're so in love with your gf that you either a. love her positives and negatives(flaws) B. cant see her flaws cause you love her!! C. can see her flaws but being ignorant cause you love her!! lol i think either 1 or 2 of those might be the reason why all your friends/family can see through the looking glass except you.... anyway if you love her for the way she is then i'd gladly support you.....loving someone for who they are is what matters most in life. if you dont like someone for who they are then move on!! Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Originally posted by albysurfin Also my longtime friends wife who brought this up to my sister is like best friends with my ex girlfriend and has a little bit of a history of mettling with things which really makes me question her intentions; Because I know she was probably on the phone with my Ex immediately after giving her the whole low down. Well why didn't you say so? There are obviously other agendas at play here, things that have nothing at all to do with your gf. I know my friends say they are coming from a place of concern for me but..... I feel I should be able to live my life with the person I choose too without the feeling that people are being critical of the person I have chosen to be with Yeah. Well what, exactly, has your friends concerned about your girlfriend? Doesn't drive the right car? Doesn't have the right credentials? Or is it that she's got a notoriously checkered past/ is unstable/ has a criminal record? The first two things are narrow-minded objections which you can dismiss out of hand. The latter things are indeed things to be concerned about -- doesn't mean things can't work out, but you ought to be careful. You're 30 years old! Tell your friends and family to shape up or shut up. Or they can just make do without seeing you very often. If they cannot a) keep their opinions to themselves regarding your gf, and b) be gracious and civil to her even if they don't like her, then I'd just stop interacting with them so much. As for the ex: tell your sister, and your friend's wife, that their connection to your ex is their business, but it's not something you will tolerate intruding into your life. If they want to not like your girlfriend out of loyalty to your ex, that's their issue, and they'll have to find a way to negotiate it so that their inner conflict isn't something that you and your girlfriend will even be aware of. Cos it's not your problem. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 You need to find out what they don't like about her. Like someone else said, maybe you aren't seeing what they're seeing. Love IS blind sometimes, man. I wouldn't just immediately dismiss other's opinions, they can be pretty important. CAN be. Link to post Share on other sites
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