I’ve noticed a pattern. I seem to select and attract men who are unavailable in some way. The two great loves of my life were both “unavailable,” one emotionally, one geographically. When I’ve been in relationships with people who were completely available, I felt smothered and like I was losing myself. In my healthiest relationship, my BF at the time used to say I wasn’t completely present in the relationship, and that he always felt like I had a wall up. We lived together for 4 years and shared everything. I couldn’t understand what more he wanted from me, and I felt so stressed. In the relationships with men who were unavailable, I felt more comfortable in some ways, like I was more able to be myself without them wanting me to be someone I wasn’t.
I complain about not having a BF and not dating much, but when I think about actually having these things, I panic.
I start worrying about things like my house doesn’t accommodate two people well. It’s an old house with small, chopped up rooms. If I had someone over for dinner, they couldn’t easily hang out in the kitchen with me. It would be awkward. I worry that a man being at my house often would cause my dog emotional distress. I worry that a relationship would interfere with my work, sleep, and gym schedule (I have a pretty rigid schedule). I worry about someone wanting me to spend the night at their house and if I would be comfortable and what I would do with my dog (he would have to come because he can’t stay alone overnight). Is it normal to worry like this? I seriously stress out about these things (and LOTS of similar things), and sometimes I feel so panicky that I think I shouldn’t even bother trying to date.
Does it sound like I'm emotionally unavailable (or just a little crazy )? How does someone become emotionally available?
As far as your emotional state goes, what you suggest is possible, but I would suggest getting that kind of help from a professional
One analogy I can provide from my marriage is that, often, my exW and I would experience something obviously moving (funny, sad, etc) and I would spontaneously react emotionally (laugh, cry, etc) while she would remain nearly completely stoic. I would ask her how she felt and she would literally say 'I was <laughing/crying> inside'. I felt this emotional distance often during our M, even during sex.
I don't know if that is an element of what 'emotionally unavailability' is, but offer it as one data point.
It sounds like you could be emotionally unavailable. Try to remember what it is that made you head over heels about those other guys and what turned you off about the guys you were with where you felt smothered.
Really take a look at your values and boundaries and what you think a good, healthy relationship could contain. You might just have a warped sense of what is good in a relationship - or perhaps you haven't met the right guy.
I strongly urge you to visit www.baggagereclaim.com The author, Natalie, goes into emotional unavailability quite a bit. EU in men as well as in women. She even talks quite a bit about how many women find themselves in frustrating relationship with EUMs (emotionally unavailable men) but in turn....are also EU themselves.
I dont think youre emotionally unavailable, you just like the challenge of a guy not being emotionally available to you. When the guys give it up too easily, you dont like it. But you have to tell them to back off or you will feel smothered. Its a balance thing, everyone goes through it. I think what you need to do is hold off getting attached to an emotionally unavailable guy until you know hes attached. if you cant do that you need to work on communicating better to the guys that get attached to you before you want them to.
As far as the worry goes, it sounds to me like you enjoy the worrying, maybe because you have nothing more interesting to think about. Well you can enjoy worrying all you want, but that will send you into a downward spiral, its not a healthy way to think. Occupy your mind with a hobby or something. if youre worrying about whther or not youd be comfortable sleeping at a guys house, you muist not like him that much. You should be gung ho about sleeping there if youre comfortable with him.
I worry that a relationship would interfere with my work, sleep, and gym schedule (I have a pretty rigid schedule).
Yes, a relationship will interfere with those things. You have to adapt and change and fit a relationship in with your other things. You have to let someone in. That's all okay, and I damn well hope a relationship messes with your sleeping arrangements, at least some of the time.
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