Surprise! I'm overanalyzing things again.

[acrossthemiles1]

Okay...I was sort of hoping that, once I found myself in a remarkably stable, committed and "normal" relationship, my weird psychological trust/self-esteem issues would dissipate. Not the case, it seems.

 

I have been dating this great guy for about two months now. We met back in January and went on one great date back then, but were both enmeshed in our own respective relationship issues at the time, so it got put on hold until April when he got back in touch. Went out again with him on a Friday night, expecting only to grab a couple drinks and then bounce. It turned into an entire weekend-long date and after that we've been spending every single weekend together - I'm living in Philadelphia for the moment, though I'm planning to move back to NYC by the end of the summer.

 

We made it official after the second weekend. By Memorial Day we were planning trips together (we're actually heading down to the beach this weekend). I have met his family, who I'm told all love me and think I'm great, and have met quite a few of his friends, who also apparently think I'm great. He has met a few of mine as well and they all hit it off. He has been very open about wanting a committed, exclusive relationship with me, but at the same time is not clingy or overbearing in the least. Hanging out with him is basically like hanging out with my best friend.

 

So, in summary I could not ask for a more lovely, effortless situation. Which makes me wonder...why, at this stage, am I still sitting around with this nagging feeling of doubt? Like I must be missing something, some red flag somewhere.

 

To be fair, the "relationship issue" I was extricating myself from when we first met in January was with this dude who I was really, extremely hung-up on and who first claimed, within a month of meeting me, that he was "falling in love with me," then quickly backpedalled and strung me along for a good three months before giving me the "I'm sorry I've just weirded the whole thing out, let's just be friends" talk almost exactly to the day that my current boyfriend texted me asking me out again (at least I've had the benefit of good timing). So, I am likely hypersensitive to any signs (real or not) of ambivalence. My problem is deciphering which, if any, of my concerns are real, and which are just the result of the overstimulated Rejection part of my brain.

 

The logical side of me is pretty sure I have nothing to worry about. Maybe it's the distance issue that's causing all this insecurity? I don't know. (And just to be clear, all of this is 100% in my head - I have NEVER given him any indication that I'm insecure, and in fact I'm more the "confident" one in the relationship...I instigated it by walking up to him in a bar and striking up a conversation...so I think he would be quite shocked if he knew I was having these worries and doubts.)

 

He has been nothing but reliable in the entire time I've been with him. He maintains consistent communication throughout the week while we're apart - not always every day, but it is consistent (we usually text back and forth 2-3 times between Monday and Thursday) and that is enough for me. Even when he has plans with his brother or friends, he will always make time to see me at some point over the weekend - case in point this past weekend, he had prior plans for a "bros day out" (lol - you know, just one of those things, sometimes guys need a guys day just like girls need a girls day, haha) but asked me to come over later that Saturday night just so we could spend a bit of time together, then asked me to join them the next day instead of just brushing me off and leaving me to do my own thing. If we miss out on one of our "usual" days together, he tells me he's missed me. He talks about wanting to go on longer trips with me, wanting to travel around with me, and we normally spend the entire weekend quite happily in each other's company - so he does seem to genuinely enjoy being around me.

 

He is also affectionate with me, to a surprising degree considering his background/social circle is quite the "guys' guy" thing (he's a skater, and most of his friends are real "bro types" - I'm sure you know what I mean). He's not into PDAs or anything like that...I wouldn't mind a little smooch in public now and then, but I can live without it, ha...but he will definitely be openly affectionate with me in front of his friends, hand around waist or ruffling my hair or curling up next to me on a lounge chair or whatever. In private, he's much more so, and I find that very satisfying. I also know he is tremendously physically attracted to me and that, not to blow my own horn or whatever but, I kind of rock his world in bed, lol.

 

So, it really seems like all the pieces are in place, which makes me wonder...why do I find myself second-guessing myself, telling myself he's not THAT into you, reminding myself to pull myself back when I feel myself getting too wrapped up...why do I read a random text message he's sent and think, briefly, "Wait what does he mean by that?" when clearly the content is totally innocuous. Why do I feel silly when I start thinking about getting deeper with him, when I think about the possibility of him developing real feelings for me...why do I find that such a naive impossibility? I guess part of it is not wanting to rush things (I think I'm doing okay on that front), or not wanting to stifle him (ditto). But, why can't I just relax and enjoy the new-relationship butterflies and not worry about being "more into him than he's into me"?

 

Maybe I'm just expecting absolutes too soon, the "I love you" or at least more direct statements about his feelings towards me. I guess I'm just worried about ending up five, six months down the line with still no absolutes, and getting to the point where I'm like "So wait...what DO you actually feel for me?" and it turning out to be that he's just been in it for a good time and has no emotional or romantic investment in me whatsoever. I'm never going to push him to make statements like that, so I guess I'm just worried that those feelings will never materialize for him, when they have already begun to materialize for me (again, I have not made any references to this whatsoever yet).

 

In general I consider myself a very confident person, so it's dismaying for me to see that these feelings of self-doubt still exist even in the context of a seemingly stable relationship. I just really, really like this guy. And I would like him to like me too, in "that" way. I'm just wary of interpreting the actions of a guy who may just be in it for a good time, as the actions of a guy who feels something more...or who might, at some point in the future.

 

So, in conclusion, I've managed to find the world's most drama-free relationship and create mental drama over it anyway. I astound myself.