Helda Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 Would be interested to know your opinions... I have been dating my current bf for four months. We got together one month after HE broke up with his gf of five years. I know they still meet up occasionally for drinks but he insists they are just friends and that he agreed to the 'just friends'thing as he felt bad about dumping her (they just didn't get on in the end apparantly). Anyway I now have found out he and her are having a wekend away in the summer. I had suggested we go away on our first holiday and that's when he told me he couldn't go away then as he had already planned to go away with his ex. It's a short holiday that they booked after they broke up but before we hooked up. I am not happy about this. I don't want to appear controlling and push him away so how do I handle this> Am i unreasonable in expecting him not to go through with this? Link to post Share on other sites
Jono85 Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 i'm sorry but this is ridiculous, and imo is showing no respect for your relationship/you. you need to have some bounderies; heck my bounderies generally are firmer (eg. not chilling with your ex one on one, that's not cool) but a weekend trip??? please re-evaluate this relationship fast. don't try to change his mind, the very fact that he thinks this is okay imo is enough to throw up huge red flags. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 NO. WAY. Hanging out with an ex is already a big red flag and 90% of the time it never works out for the new GF because of drama and boundaries being crossed...but a weekend away together? I don't think so. And this is your boyfriend right? Not just someone you're starting to date? Run away from this. If you've already talked to him about how inappropriate it is and he is doing it anyway - time to dump him. I don't want to appear controlling and push him away so how do I handle this> I did the exact same thing with my ex. I was so afraid to appear a certain way that I was totally neglecting my needs and boundaries with others. He had a few relationships with girls that were friends that I found to be very strange and boundary pushing. But even at my flimsiest backbone state I never would have tolerated a weekend away with his ex. If you can't balls up and tell him what is bothering you, you are gonna get stuck in a relationship where you have to deny who you are in order to get along with him. It will lead in wasted time and tons of frustration. I can 100% promise you that. I've experienced it and I've seen tons of other people experience it too. It never ends well. I don't mean to sound like an overly confident b*tch but I know what I'm talking about on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helda Posted June 11, 2011 Author Share Posted June 11, 2011 Thanks to your replies so far. I have spoken with my bf and says he's not that keen on going away with his ex. She has handled the break up badly and he says he's going because he feels bad. I think he feels guilty about dumping her and thinks this will make him feel better. I am confused still though. How could you spend four days FOUR DAYS with someone you dumped, walked away from? He often says he's glad they broke up, she just wasn't right for him, a little bit crazy, blah blah blah and that I am the type of woman he feels more comfortable with. I asked him if he thought we were in a rebound relationship. No way! He said - I was over her before we broke up.. Confused! Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 Thanks to your replies so far. I have spoken with my bf and says he's not that keen on going away with his ex. She has handled the break up badly and he says he's going because he feels bad. I think he feels guilty about dumping her and thinks this will make him feel better. I am confused still though. How could you spend four days FOUR DAYS with someone you dumped, walked away from? He often says he's glad they broke up, she just wasn't right for him, a little bit crazy, blah blah blah and that I am the type of woman he feels more comfortable with. I asked him if he thought we were in a rebound relationship. No way! He said - I was over her before we broke up.. Confused! What's to be confused about? He is going for 4 days with his ex'. At the end of the day it is YOU who feels bad, not him ; I don't buy this mambo jambo blabbering he's saying in order to justify his vacation. Think about it: He broke up with her and he's helping her by going alone with her for 4 days when he's in a RS(in other words, giving her false hope)? Cause the way to mend a broken heart is by keeping the person who did it closer, amirite? It all comes down to: If you tolerate people stomping over you, it's what you'll get. It's time you set your foot in the ground and tell him to beat it. He can spend 3 months with her for all you care. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 I'm generally fine with a partner occasionally interacting with an ex, but going away on a four day holiday together is just absolutely ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
bikinibeach Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 I don't mean to sound like an overly confident b*tch but I know what I'm talking about on this one. trust me...she DOES know. get. out. NOW!! before you end up like me..... PLEASE listen. oh how i wish i had. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helda Posted June 11, 2011 Author Share Posted June 11, 2011 I suppose his actions speak louder than his words. He says he doesnt want to go, not looking forward to it but won't cancel it. What if I were fine with it? Would the idea of exes on holiday together alone be as bad? /Weird? Link to post Share on other sites
bikinibeach Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 oh and regardless of whatever excuses he can give ie: i had a dream where moses appeared to me and told me i had to go on a vacation with my ex etc etc at the end of the day, if he goes because he feels bad for her knowing that it is hurting YOU, he cares more about her. you don't need that!! Link to post Share on other sites
Jono85 Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 I suppose his actions speak louder than his words. He says he doesnt want to go, not looking forward to it but won't cancel it. What if I were fine with it? Would the idea of exes on holiday together alone be as bad? /Weird? i'm really sorry this has happened, but pleeease gain some self respect for yourself. tell him you're not okay with it. it sounds like you already have though, and he's still saying he won't cancel it?? don't you think you deserve better than that?? he's choosing her over you. and like someone else said, how do you think this helps the girl/ex?? she's OBV using this trip as a means to get him to fall back for her, i know you cannot be that blind to see this. find a better guy, stop settling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helda Posted June 11, 2011 Author Share Posted June 11, 2011 Thanks again for all your replies I think in my heart of hearts I need to give my bf an ultimatum. This will most likely drive him away. Maybe not completely but he will thereafter see me as controlling. Strange - I have just spoken about this with an old friend of mine who lives far away from me and has never met my bf. She says that her fiance is at a music festival this very weekend with his ex! Just the two of them. And my friend hasn't batted an eyelid!! She says she trusts him and knows his ex doesn't want him back so she's fine with it... Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 What if I were fine with it? Would the idea of exes on holiday together alone be as bad? /Weird? It's a really bad idea, and it's a bad idea to be fine with. I'm pretty open to friendships with those of the opposite gender and friendships with exes and what have you, but going on a vacation alone together is just not on. That's couple stuff. Setting an ultimatum on that isn't controlling, it's just healthy boundaries to a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Pianiste Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 I wouldn't trust her, or him for that matter. Their 5 year relationship has ended 5 months ago and you've been together for 4. The wound he left when they broke up is too fresh and your relationship is too new to put it to the test in this way. If he doesn't want her to be alone or has already paid for the trip and doesn't want it to go to waste he can just tell her to go with one of her friends. It wont be the same for her but that's just the way it is now. He is no longer with her and she'll just have to get used to that. Link to post Share on other sites
nothappyjan Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 This makes me soooo mad. What is it with guys lately?????? They seem to want the best of both worlds the history with the ex and the excitement of the new girl. The only way they get away with it is if the new girl lets him. Having broken up with my bf exactly 4 months ago theyre is NO WAY i would go away with him i dont even agree to have coffee with him because I am over it. Its clear these two cant let go of each other so you should walk away and leave him with his ex. If he cant stand her then why does he still see her and show you no respect. It's time you to take a stand, dont give him an ultimaturm just say " I have decided i'm not interested in seeing a guy who cant move on from his ex and doesnt know where to put boundaries to respect me so enjoy your holiday and i hope you two have a wonderful life and then see what happens. Dont be mean about it just be honest and start to move on. My bet is he will come running back Link to post Share on other sites
youngskywalker Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 If my g/f was doing that I'd break up with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Datura Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 (edited) I have spoken with my bf and says he's not that keen on going away with his ex. She has handled the break up badly and he says he's going because he feels bad. I think he feels guilty about dumping her and thinks this will make him feel better. This sounds familiar. TOO familiar. He is putting his feelings and her feelings above yours. That's a lame excuse anyway. If he really wanted to rid himself of guilt, he wouldn't be leading her on. If there's anything to feel guilty about, it's him ditching you to go off with her. His irrational guilt and her hurt feelings (who cares) aren't more important than yours. Once on their little vacation, is he going to put out and give her pity sex too? Run. Don't even give him an ultimatum, because this girl may still remain in the picture. Edited June 12, 2011 by Datura Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 Thanks Bikini I have spoken with my bf and says he's not that keen on going away with his ex. She has handled the break up badly and he says he's going because he feels bad. I think he feels guilty about dumping her and thinks this will make him feel better. This makes me want to throw up. Here, I'll even use an emoticon to show how much I mean it: there. Either he's a scumbag that will end up cheating on you with her (if he hasn't already) or he's a total spineless idiot who can't break up with a girl properly. You will not regret leaving his ass behind. Seriously - what girl in her right mind ever looked back on her life and said: "gee - I'm really upset that I let that one go...you know...the guy that was still hanging around his ex while we were together and took little romantic trips with her while he was still with me." I think not. If that ultimatum drives him away....good riddance. It means he picked her over you. You can sleep well knowing that you got rid of a guy like that. Link to post Share on other sites
sola Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 Thanks to your replies so far. I have spoken with my bf and says he's not that keen on going away with his ex. She has handled the break up badly and he says he's going because he feels bad. I think he feels guilty about dumping her and thinks this will make him feel better. I am confused still though. How could you spend four days FOUR DAYS with someone you dumped, walked away from? He often says he's glad they broke up, she just wasn't right for him, a little bit crazy, blah blah blah and that I am the type of woman he feels more comfortable with. Confused! I'm just going exactly through the same situation, but in my case maybe worse. He is not going for four days, he is going for two full weeks to Europe with his ex-FIANCE. They broke up six years ago and it is a group trip, not just the two of them. However, the thought of him traveling with her made me uneasy. His solution to the problem was for me to tag along. I explained to him i didnt feel comfortable about it but his reply was "this is america and that is perfectly normal here" (im south american and we don't travel with the ex...period!). He made it very clear he was not willing to cancel the trip or stop hanging out with the ex, even though i made it very clear the situation was not comfortable for me. At the end I broke up with him last night over this (and other issues). After i got home i started having second thoughts and wondered that maybe i was being to close minded. I asked him to reconsider the breakup but he immediately reply the break up was the right decision since we stressed each other out too much. Part of me feels i made the right decision, but i can't help it to feel so depressed about the whole situation. Seems like i was not important enough for him to make adjustments for me (even though he kept saying how much he loved me and how much he wanted to make me happy) I keep wondering what would have happened if i just kept my anxiety about the trip to myself.. Link to post Share on other sites
dangerstranger Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 Would be interested to know your opinions... I have been dating my current bf for four months. We got together one month after HE broke up with his gf of five years. I know they still meet up occasionally for drinks but he insists they are just friends and that he agreed to the 'just friends'thing as he felt bad about dumping her (they just didn't get on in the end apparantly). Anyway I now have found out he and her are having a wekend away in the summer. I had suggested we go away on our first holiday and that's when he told me he couldn't go away then as he had already planned to go away with his ex. It's a short holiday that they booked after they broke up but before we hooked up. I am not happy about this. I don't want to appear controlling and push him away so how do I handle this> Am i unreasonable in expecting him not to go through with this? This man is not ready to be in a relationship. You can't compete with 5 years a month after it's done. He's still processing his break up, he's not anywhere near ready to take the next step. ONE month out of a 5 year relationship when you started dating? Nothing about going away with an ex for a weekend should be okay with you, that's such a slap in the face. That's so disrespectful. There are so many red flags present. This guy is still attached to his past big time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helda Posted June 12, 2011 Author Share Posted June 12, 2011 It's clear then to me that what my boyfriend is doing is unacceptable. So my plan is this - tell him I am not happy with him going away with his ex and then wait. It's not for two and a hlf months so I'll see what happens. He has plenty of time to sort it out. Now I've just got to wait - hope he's worth it! Also however, the point was made that he only waited one month before going out with me after they broke up. What's your opinion on this? Does that make me the rebound girl? Is there no future in out r/s anyway??? Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 It's clear then to me that what my boyfriend is doing is unacceptable. So my plan is this - tell him I am not happy with him going away with his ex and then wait. It's not for two and a hlf months so I'll see what happens. He has plenty of time to sort it out. Now I've just got to wait - hope he's worth it! Also however, the point was made that he only waited one month before going out with me after they broke up. What's your opinion on this? Does that make me the rebound girl? Is there no future in out r/s anyway??? Your first plan kind of irritates me. You say it's clear to you that what your boyfriend is doing is unacceptable so you're going to tell him you're not happy about it. NO. You tell him it's unacceptable and you won't tolerate it. Don't namby pamby your way through this. Have some self-respect. It's true that he was with her for 5 years and you've only been together for a short time but does that mean your respect has to take a nose-dive? Does that mean you deserve less? NO. Rebound? perhaps you are but the only way to be sure is to see how much he can man up and appreciate the situation his ass-hattery has put you in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Helda Posted June 12, 2011 Author Share Posted June 12, 2011 Well I told him I didn't want him to go with her. I called him. We were supposed to be meeting up for a drink later. He said 'This isn't going to work. She's my friend and I am not willing to lose friendships that mean a lot to me. Just because she also happens to be my ex...etc etc etc. Then he said we shouldn't see each other later. I said I bet he was going to see her...He said don't be ridiculous he hasn't heard from her for a couple of weeks. Then he said we won't work out between us as he needs a girlfriemnd who is secure enough to accept the friendships he has. I used to be secure - until this. Now I've blown it I know. We have tickets to a music gig next week. He said we should still go as he doesn't want us to end of bad terms. What?!! Link to post Share on other sites
Intergalactic Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 while i don't agree with others that it's a red flag when an SO hangs out with an ex (i am friends with most of my exes and hang out with them and there is no romance involved), it's definitely not cool that they are going on a weekend trip away with just the two of them. you need to calmly say to your boyfriend that you feel unhappy with the situation (say things like "i am not happy with this" rather than "you are making me unhappy", otherwise he may just feel threatened), and that it is pushing way past the boundaries. if he can't accept that, i think you need to seriously re-evaluate your relationship with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Intergalactic Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 Well I told him I didn't want him to go with her. I called him. We were supposed to be meeting up for a drink later. He said 'This isn't going to work. She's my friend and I am not willing to lose friendships that mean a lot to me. Just because she also happens to be my ex...etc etc etc. Then he said we shouldn't see each other later. I said I bet he was going to see her...He said don't be ridiculous he hasn't heard from her for a couple of weeks. Then he said we won't work out between us as he needs a girlfriemnd who is secure enough to accept the friendships he has. I used to be secure - until this. Now I've blown it I know. We have tickets to a music gig next week. He said we should still go as he doesn't want us to end of bad terms. What?!! just saw this, so my post above is out of date anyway, i'd tell him he's off his rocker and that you're not interested in going to the gig with him as friends... since the terms you are ending on ARE bad due to his complete ignorance of the fact that she is a RECENT ex of a LONG relationship and that it is perfectly natural for you to feel insecure over their planning a weekend away together, and his complete disrespect of his new girlfriend, yourself, over the issue. i'm sorry but at least you got away before it got worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Pianiste Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 Sounds to me like it's very well possible that you were a rebound girlfriend to him. Especially if all it took for him to decide breaking up with you was the best option after you got insecure over him going away for a weekend with his (recent and long term) ex-gf. It's also very lame that he decided to tell you that over the phone while you had a face-to-face meeting planned later today. It might not be that clear to you now but I think you got away just in time and saved yourself a lot of drama (and more heartache). Link to post Share on other sites
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