Jump to content

Do men put women in the friend zone?


Country_Girl

Recommended Posts

Country_Girl

I'm just curious, because I have been on 3 dates with this guy over the last month. We have a ridiculous amount in common, read the same books seen the same movies (stuff that no normal guy would read/watch). No, he's not gay.

 

We haven't kissed yet, he opens the car door for me and pays for the dates. Sometimes he will text me "sweet dreams"- maybe once a week. He's great for conversation in person, but outside of that he isn't much of a caller/texter. We text a couple lines maybe every 3 days or so, and we only talked on the phone once and that was to schedule a date/meeting. I attribute the lack of communication to his work, as he has like 5 jobs and is always on the go.

 

Our last date was more of like a meeting, we met up because he wanted to know if I was looking for extra work. I said sure, we met for 3 hours. I would say a good hour and a half was focused on business and what he wanted help with, the other hour and a half was just shooting the **** (telling stories and laughing). He never lets me pay for any of the meals we have. He has referred to me as babe a few times. We have discussed things like past relationships, deal breakers, our childhood. Not too much flirting, it's really subtle- maybe a touch of the arm/hand here or there, and one time I did something and he said "that's cute". We always hug hello/goodbye.

 

Am I doomed for the friend zone? I'm not sure. I'd like to continue dating him but I would honestly be okay with just friends also. I don't know if I should make a move, I'm worried I will overstep a boundary. Does anyone have any flirting tips so I can maybe gauge if he sees me as more than a friend?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Darren Taylor

If I'm not attracted to her, I'll certainly put her in the friend zone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ladyinlimbo
I'm just curious, because I have been on 3 dates with this guy over the last month. We have a ridiculous amount in common, read the same books seen the same movies (stuff that no normal guy would read/watch). No, he's not gay.

 

We haven't kissed yet, he opens the car door for me and pays for the dates. Sometimes he will text me "sweet dreams"- maybe once a week. He's great for conversation in person, but outside of that he isn't much of a caller/texter. We text a couple lines maybe every 3 days or so, and we only talked on the phone once and that was to schedule a date/meeting. I attribute the lack of communication to his work, as he has like 5 jobs and is always on the go.

 

Our last date was more of like a meeting, we met up because he wanted to know if I was looking for extra work. I said sure, we met for 3 hours. I would say a good hour and a half was focused on business and what he wanted help with, the other hour and a half was just shooting the **** (telling stories and laughing). He never lets me pay for any of the meals we have. He has referred to me as babe a few times. We have discussed things like past relationships, deal breakers, our childhood. Not too much flirting, it's really subtle- maybe a touch of the arm/hand here or there, and one time I did something and he said "that's cute". We always hug hello/goodbye.

 

Am I doomed for the friend zone? I'm not sure. I'd like to continue dating him but I would honestly be okay with just friends also. I don't know if I should make a move, I'm worried I will overstep a boundary. Does anyone have any flirting tips so I can maybe gauge if he sees me as more than a friend?

 

How did you originally meet him?

 

How long ago was his last serious relationship? (maybe it's been a while and he feels 'out of touch' with dating and is trying to take things slowly to avoid scaring you off?). Maybe he's just someone who prefers to take things slowly, period, and let a deep friendship evolve - as a strong foundation - before it's considered a relationship?

 

Did the work you 2 talked about seem totally legit and above board?

 

Who has been the one to initiate the dates? (not that it always has to be the guy)

 

What kind of dates have you had? What kind of places do you 2 go to on your dates?

 

Hopefully someone reading can give you suggestions on how to gauge his level of interest, I am kind of drawing a blank here.

 

So he always hugs you hello/goodbye. That's good. Does he seem like the kind of person who would do that with everyone? Does he seem somewhat shy in a sense?

Link to post
Share on other sites

i've put a lot of girls in the dreaded "friends zone"....its quite easy really

Link to post
Share on other sites
somedude81

Am I doomed for the friend zone? I'm not sure. I'd like to continue dating him but I would honestly be okay with just friends also. I don't know if I should make a move, I'm worried I will overstep a boundary. Does anyone have any flirting tips so I can maybe gauge if he sees me as more than a friend?

Have you tried asking what he wants?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Am I doomed for the friend zone? I'm not sure. I'd like to continue dating him but I would honestly be okay with just friends also. I don't know if I should make a move, I'm worried I will overstep a boundary. Does anyone have any flirting tips so I can maybe gauge if he sees me as more than a friend?

 

I would say he does, but he may just move slow. If I knew him better I'd know with more certainty. I suppose it's possible to get friendzoned by a guy, but it's also possible to get hit by lightning while water skiing on alligators in Antarctica. It's just highly unlikely that would ever happen.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If by friendzone you mean I was interested and attracted at first, but lost that attraction due to something she did or the situation changing, but I still like her as a person and want to hang out with her, then no, that's a myth.

Link to post
Share on other sites

OP, is he a virgin? That sounds a lot like my behavior back when I was a virgin many years ago, and which behavior lasted well into my 30's.

 

Topically, it depends on the psychology of the male but, yes, it is possible. I've had a number of objectively very attractive women as friends over the decades and just never felt anything for them. Our intimacy never reached the level which drives my sexual attraction. There have been a limited number whom, upon revealing their intimate selves, I found so incompatible that I couldn't resolve such issues, but they were fine as more superficial friends. The rest are unavailable, like the wives of my friends. They can be as intimate and as affectionate as they like, but I will only see them as a friend's spouse, as an example. I'm sure that's mutual.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Country_Girl
How did you originally meet him?

 

How long ago was his last serious relationship? (maybe it's been a while and he feels 'out of touch' with dating and is trying to take things slowly to avoid scaring you off?). Maybe he's just someone who prefers to take things slowly, period, and let a deep friendship evolve - as a strong foundation - before it's considered a relationship?

 

Did the work you 2 talked about seem totally legit and above board?

 

Who has been the one to initiate the dates? (not that it always has to be the guy)

 

What kind of dates have you had? What kind of places do you 2 go to on your dates?

 

Hopefully someone reading can give you suggestions on how to gauge his level of interest, I am kind of drawing a blank here.

 

So he always hugs you hello/goodbye. That's good. Does he seem like the kind of person who would do that with everyone? Does he seem somewhat shy in a sense?

 

I met him originally at a bar of all places, he doesn't drink but he was with a friend having ice tea- I was sitting on the patio by an outdoor fireplace. He came over with his friend to warm up by the fire and started engaging me in conversation. He asked what me & my friends name was, then asked what are 5 things I know for sure in this life. He's a deep thinker and pretty spiritual (not over religious but believes in a divine purpose and the laws of attraction). We talked for maybe 30 minutes and exchanged numbers.

 

2 weeks after we met for coffee. It was kind of initiated by me, I asked how his Easter was and if he wanted to go bowling, he suggested we go for coffee and dessert. That date lasted 2.5 hours, we talked a lot, just an instant connection. You know how sometimes there are people you meet and you feel like you have known them forever? That's how I feel about him. I'm pretty sure I made it clear I considered the evening a date- as he asked about previous relationships and if I had dated anyone since the ex. I told him he's the first- so I think I spelled it out for him.

 

The next date was initiated by him. He suggested we rent a terrible movie that we joked about on our date. When he picked me up he said there was a movie in theaters he'd like to see and wanted to know if I was okay with that instead. I said sure. He said he picked the theater for a reason, as he wanted to give me some background on how he got into the entertainment industry and the role this theater played in his life. After the movie he asked if I still had time, I said yeah, so we went to ihop for coffee and split an appetizer.

 

The next time we met was a week ago, but I knew it was not a date per say, as he was asking for help with a project. The work is legit, it has to do with film production and distribution- he basically wants help driving traffic to his website. He's drawing up a contract for me to be subcontractor for him. We split a burger and fries, and after the business talk we just told a bunch of stories, he had me in tears of laughter at one point. He was pressed for time that day, but he hung out until he absolutely had to leave.

 

I'm not sure if he would hug just anyone, but at the same time he is such a nice genuine guy, maybe he would. I don't think he is shy, but I wouldn't call him outgoing either. Very easy to talk to and has no trouble initiating conversation or brushing tough subjects.

 

It's been 5 months since his last relationship, and that one didn't last long (6 months) but I know it was enough of a heartbreak for him to seek a life coach on the matter to help him get over it.

 

It's so hard read, he could be taking thing slow (which I am fine with) or he sees me as a friend. I don't want to ask because I don't want to cross a line and possibly screw up the business side of things that are developing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Country_Girl
OP, is he a virgin? That sounds a lot like my behavior back when I was a virgin many years ago, and which behavior lasted well into my 30's.

 

Topically, it depends on the psychology of the male but, yes, it is possible. I've had a number of objectively very attractive women as friends over the decades and just never felt anything for them. Our intimacy never reached the level which drives my sexual attraction. There have been a limited number whom, upon revealing their intimate selves, I found so incompatible that I couldn't resolve such issues, but they were fine as more superficial friends. The rest are unavailable, like the wives of my friends. They can be as intimate and as affectionate as they like, but I will only see them as a friend's spouse, as an example. I'm sure that's mutual.

 

That's a good question, and one I have thought of, but we haven't talked about sexual history. My guess is he's not. I don't see him as promiscuous, as he has a spiritual side to him, but I don't get an inexperienced vibe from him either. I know he' never been married and has no kids.

 

I don't think I have said anything to put me in the friend category at this point. We are eerily similar, it's pretty ridiculous, and share a lot of the same views. I hate to jump the gun, but I really feel like this guy was meant to be in my life in some way, shape, or form. Be it friend or more, there is just a connection I cannot deny.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Perhaps oddly, I had a really confusing permutation of the 'friend-zone' with the 'friend' written about in my LS journals. I saw this most markedly upon being with her 20 something years after the fact. I wanted to be with her but didn't get sexually aroused by her. It was like we were twins or something; completely intuitive with each other. In a way I'm sorry she had to suffer through that. The behaviors were eerily similar to what you're describing. I have no explanation for it.

 

My advice is to accept his actions as his truth. If he's not approaching you sexually and flirting with you like you expect a man to be with a woman, then he's not. Don't look for hidden messages. Entertain other options. Even if he is attracted, he's not showing it in a compatible way. Your attraction/romantic styles are incompatible. How a man responds to the presence of a woman he's attracted to sexually is a natural part of his personality. Each of us is different. If it ain't 'doin' it' for you, then it ain't. No harm, no foul.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sure.

 

Many of my female friends were a result of me eventually putting them in the friendzone. It's not like tell them, "sorry, I like you as a friend," but more that I ignore their intimate advances/dialogue and continue to treat them as a friend until they get the picture.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Possible. Guys will probably be less inclined to refuse an offer of free NSA sex from a 'friend' than a girl, but it is a 'friendzone' nevertheless, since it can't possibly lead to a relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Country_Girl
Perhaps oddly, I had a really confusing permutation of the 'friend-zone' with the 'friend' written about in my LS journals. I saw this most markedly upon being with her 20 something years after the fact. I wanted to be with her but didn't get sexually aroused by her. It was like we were twins or something; completely intuitive with each other. In a way I'm sorry she had to suffer through that. The behaviors were eerily similar to what you're describing. I have no explanation for it.

 

My advice is to accept his actions as his truth. If he's not approaching you sexually and flirting with you like you expect a man to be with a woman, then he's not. Don't look for hidden messages. Entertain other options. Even if he is attracted, he's not showing it in a compatible way. Your attraction/romantic styles are incompatible. How a man responds to the presence of a woman he's attracted to sexually is a natural part of his personality. Each of us is different. If it ain't 'doin' it' for you, then it ain't. No harm, no foul.

 

So odd, I know exactly what you mean. The stars have aligned for this, in some way- although I don't know the purpose yet. I just wish I knew what that purpose was, because I don't want to screw up a friendship or potential relationship.

 

Part of me thinks, he's just taking it slow and feeling me out. He doesn't want to get hurt so he is cautious. The other part of me says he's just a nice guy with no motives, and our time together is a friend thing. I am really okay with either or. I'm attracted to him and would like to keep going on dates because I see something with him- I've never had this much in common with one person ever. But if he didn't see me in that light, I would be okay with it and be completely comfortable being friends.

 

Ah, if I only knew the outcome...

Link to post
Share on other sites
ladyinlimbo

Country Girl,

 

For now I would just carry on as is. If you're okay with potentially just being a 'friend' then you've got nothing to lose. A couple more dates or so, just see how it goes. Maybe he's just a little 'stung' still from his past relationship; maybe that one was a real "whirlwind" - quick sizzle, fast fizzle.....and he's just wanted to take things slow to avoid that happening again. I'd suggest just going with the flow and see where it leads. A few more outings together and you should have a better idea where his head/heart is at, I would think? In the meantime you should still date others if that's what you want to do, there would be nothing wrong with that.

 

Do keep us posted, though!!! Sounds like you connect on a lot of great levels and that's really rare to find so good for you!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

i dont have a friendzone with women, unless they are linked to me in some other way, so i have to see them socially after sex.

 

i am the opposite i think. if i dont like a girl, i will try and nail her faster, so i dont have to spend so much time with her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Country_Girl
Country Girl,

 

For now I would just carry on as is. If you're okay with potentially just being a 'friend' then you've got nothing to lose. A couple more dates or so, just see how it goes. Maybe he's just a little 'stung' still from his past relationship; maybe that one was a real "whirlwind" - quick sizzle, fast fizzle.....and he's just wanted to take things slow to avoid that happening again. I'd suggest just going with the flow and see where it leads. A few more outings together and you should have a better idea where his head/heart is at, I would think? In the meantime you should still date others if that's what you want to do, there would be nothing wrong with that.

 

Do keep us posted, though!!! Sounds like you connect on a lot of great levels and that's really rare to find so good for you!!!

 

I will do that, although it's hard for me :-P Only because I'm a pretty anxious person so I like to know things ahead of time lol. I am totally the kind of person that will skip to the last chapter of a book to know the final outcome- it's bad, ha ha.

 

The reason why I think he might be taking it slow is he was burned in the previous relationship, I don't know the details, but he made it clear he started seeing a life coach after they broke up.

 

I don't want to date others, he is all I can think about :-) I have a serious crush. I met a few guys before he came into my life, but it didn't go anywhere- I couldn't connect with any of them. I was about to give up dating but then I met him :-)

Link to post
Share on other sites
LeaningIntoTheMuse

I had to put a woman in the friend zone once. Then when she pestered me like crazy, I had to reject her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Country_Girl
I will be brutally honest. I have put women into the friend zone for a couple of reasons.

 

1. If I have a better looking woman that I am seeing (sexually) but do not want to end the friendship.

 

2. If I like the woman but do not want to have sex with her.

 

Reason 1 means that I like her in a physical way, I just like the first choice more than her and my sexual needs are being met. Reason 2 means that I like her in some other way besides the physical, and I really wouldn't want to get physical with her. Lots of women who are obese, etc. have other good qualities, but aren't physically attractive.

 

I hope this was helpful.

 

I really don't think he is seeing someone else, he just doesn't have the time, he works like 12-14 hrs a day. I think I'm pretty attractive, not obese- short and thin, nice face, highlights. Even though the flirting has been subtle, I do think he's attracted to me. Just the vibe I get from him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Country_Girl

Okay guys,

What about this...we often go for coffee after our dates. We usually sit across from each other. Well what if next time I slide in the booth right beside him? Will that be indicator enough yet not crossing a boundary?

 

Advice/Opinions Please!

 

P.S. If you were the guy in this situation, would you take it as a hint that someone may have romantic interest?

Link to post
Share on other sites
ladyinlimbo
I will do that, although it's hard for me :-P Only because I'm a pretty anxious person so I like to know things ahead of time lol. I am totally the kind of person that will skip to the last chapter of a book to know the final outcome- it's bad, ha ha.

 

The reason why I think he might be taking it slow is he was burned in the previous relationship, I don't know the details, but he made it clear he started seeing a life coach after they broke up.

 

I don't want to date others, he is all I can think about :-) I have a serious crush. I met a few guys before he came into my life, but it didn't go anywhere- I couldn't connect with any of them. I was about to give up dating but then I met him :-)

 

I'm a lot like you, I like to know things ahead of time, too. lol. I like to know where I stand, I'm very analytical, like to figure things out.........hate being in "limbo." Not just with relationships, with anything in life. I always want to be 2 steps ahead, know what's up, be prepared, etc.

 

It is harder though, in a case like this, when you've developed a crush on someone and you are really at a loss as to where they're head/heart is at.

 

Any future dates planned?.....anything for this weekend?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Country_Girl
I'm a lot like you, I like to know things ahead of time, too. lol. I like to know where I stand, I'm very analytical, like to figure things out.........hate being in "limbo." Not just with relationships, with anything in life. I always want to be 2 steps ahead, know what's up, be prepared, etc.

 

It is harder though, in a case like this, when you've developed a crush on someone and you are really at a loss as to where they're head/heart is at.

 

Any future dates planned?.....anything for this weekend?

 

Lol but your username has "limbo" in it :-) Yep, I think the same, just want to be 2 steps ahead. Yeah I have no idea where his head/heart is at, that's what's killing me!

 

Well he called me today but it was pretty much business, he said he really liked my ideas and was impressed. We are supposed to meet Monday or Tuesday- but seems work related. Bah! I like him so much, I know it's stupid to invest so much into one person so early, but I feel like we were meant to meet.

 

I'm thinking about texting him saying I am renting a movie to see if he bites. Should I?

Link to post
Share on other sites
ladyinlimbo
Lol but your username has "limbo" in it :-) Yep, I think the same, just want to be 2 steps ahead. Yeah I have no idea where his head/heart is at, that's what's killing me!

 

Well he called me today but it was pretty much business, he said he really liked my ideas and was impressed. We are supposed to meet Monday or Tuesday- but seems work related. Bah! I like him so much, I know it's stupid to invest so much into one person so early, but I feel like we were meant to meet.

 

I'm thinking about texting him saying I am renting a movie to see if he bites. Should I?

 

re: texting him about renting a movie.......sure, go for it ! But word it in such a way that he doesn't feel pressured to say he, or bad if he's busy and can't. Something like, "Hey there! How was your day? I'm thinking of renting a movie for tonight, thought maybe if you were free you could join me? No pressure if you're busy or have other plans, just thought I'd make the offer."

 

let us know!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Country_Girl
re: texting him about renting a movie.......sure, go for it ! But word it in such a way that he doesn't feel pressured to say he, or bad if he's busy and can't. Something like, "Hey there! How was your day? I'm thinking of renting a movie for tonight, thought maybe if you were free you could join me? No pressure if you're busy or have other plans, just thought I'd make the offer."

 

let us know!

 

Good idea. It's a little late now, he just texted me so I invited him over. He will most likely decline since he usually goes to bed by 11pm. Didn't put on any pressure, said I know he goes to bed early so if he can't make it then it's okay.

 

He has to know I am interested at this point :-) lol

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...