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Do men put women in the friend zone?


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Old 21st May 2011, 5:04 PM   #1
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Red face Do men put women in the friend zone?

I'm just curious, because I have been on 3 dates with this guy over the last month. We have a ridiculous amount in common, read the same books seen the same movies (stuff that no normal guy would read/watch). No, he's not gay.

We haven't kissed yet, he opens the car door for me and pays for the dates. Sometimes he will text me "sweet dreams"- maybe once a week. He's great for conversation in person, but outside of that he isn't much of a caller/texter. We text a couple lines maybe every 3 days or so, and we only talked on the phone once and that was to schedule a date/meeting. I attribute the lack of communication to his work, as he has like 5 jobs and is always on the go.

Our last date was more of like a meeting, we met up because he wanted to know if I was looking for extra work. I said sure, we met for 3 hours. I would say a good hour and a half was focused on business and what he wanted help with, the other hour and a half was just shooting the **** (telling stories and laughing). He never lets me pay for any of the meals we have. He has referred to me as babe a few times. We have discussed things like past relationships, deal breakers, our childhood. Not too much flirting, it's really subtle- maybe a touch of the arm/hand here or there, and one time I did something and he said "that's cute". We always hug hello/goodbye.

Am I doomed for the friend zone? I'm not sure. I'd like to continue dating him but I would honestly be okay with just friends also. I don't know if I should make a move, I'm worried I will overstep a boundary. Does anyone have any flirting tips so I can maybe gauge if he sees me as more than a friend?
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Old 21st May 2011, 5:06 PM   #2
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If I'm not attracted to her, I'll certainly put her in the friend zone.
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Old 21st May 2011, 5:12 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Country_Girl View Post
I'm just curious, because I have been on 3 dates with this guy over the last month. We have a ridiculous amount in common, read the same books seen the same movies (stuff that no normal guy would read/watch). No, he's not gay.

We haven't kissed yet, he opens the car door for me and pays for the dates. Sometimes he will text me "sweet dreams"- maybe once a week. He's great for conversation in person, but outside of that he isn't much of a caller/texter. We text a couple lines maybe every 3 days or so, and we only talked on the phone once and that was to schedule a date/meeting. I attribute the lack of communication to his work, as he has like 5 jobs and is always on the go.

Our last date was more of like a meeting, we met up because he wanted to know if I was looking for extra work. I said sure, we met for 3 hours. I would say a good hour and a half was focused on business and what he wanted help with, the other hour and a half was just shooting the **** (telling stories and laughing). He never lets me pay for any of the meals we have. He has referred to me as babe a few times. We have discussed things like past relationships, deal breakers, our childhood. Not too much flirting, it's really subtle- maybe a touch of the arm/hand here or there, and one time I did something and he said "that's cute". We always hug hello/goodbye.

Am I doomed for the friend zone? I'm not sure. I'd like to continue dating him but I would honestly be okay with just friends also. I don't know if I should make a move, I'm worried I will overstep a boundary. Does anyone have any flirting tips so I can maybe gauge if he sees me as more than a friend?
How did you originally meet him?

How long ago was his last serious relationship? (maybe it's been a while and he feels 'out of touch' with dating and is trying to take things slowly to avoid scaring you off?). Maybe he's just someone who prefers to take things slowly, period, and let a deep friendship evolve - as a strong foundation - before it's considered a relationship?

Did the work you 2 talked about seem totally legit and above board?

Who has been the one to initiate the dates? (not that it always has to be the guy)

What kind of dates have you had? What kind of places do you 2 go to on your dates?

Hopefully someone reading can give you suggestions on how to gauge his level of interest, I am kind of drawing a blank here.

So he always hugs you hello/goodbye. That's good. Does he seem like the kind of person who would do that with everyone? Does he seem somewhat shy in a sense?
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Old 21st May 2011, 5:14 PM   #4
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i've put a lot of girls in the dreaded "friends zone"....its quite easy really
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Old 21st May 2011, 5:16 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Country_Girl View Post
Am I doomed for the friend zone? I'm not sure. I'd like to continue dating him but I would honestly be okay with just friends also. I don't know if I should make a move, I'm worried I will overstep a boundary. Does anyone have any flirting tips so I can maybe gauge if he sees me as more than a friend?
Have you tried asking what he wants?
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Old 21st May 2011, 5:18 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Country_Girl View Post
Am I doomed for the friend zone? I'm not sure. I'd like to continue dating him but I would honestly be okay with just friends also. I don't know if I should make a move, I'm worried I will overstep a boundary. Does anyone have any flirting tips so I can maybe gauge if he sees me as more than a friend?
I would say he does, but he may just move slow. If I knew him better I'd know with more certainty. I suppose it's possible to get friendzoned by a guy, but it's also possible to get hit by lightning while water skiing on alligators in Antarctica. It's just highly unlikely that would ever happen.
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Old 21st May 2011, 5:20 PM   #7
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The friend zone doesn't exist for either sex.
I gotta hear the explanation of this.
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Old 21st May 2011, 5:31 PM   #8
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If by friendzone you mean I was interested and attracted at first, but lost that attraction due to something she did or the situation changing, but I still like her as a person and want to hang out with her, then no, that's a myth.
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Old 21st May 2011, 5:46 PM   #9
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OP, is he a virgin? That sounds a lot like my behavior back when I was a virgin many years ago, and which behavior lasted well into my 30's.

Topically, it depends on the psychology of the male but, yes, it is possible. I've had a number of objectively very attractive women as friends over the decades and just never felt anything for them. Our intimacy never reached the level which drives my sexual attraction. There have been a limited number whom, upon revealing their intimate selves, I found so incompatible that I couldn't resolve such issues, but they were fine as more superficial friends. The rest are unavailable, like the wives of my friends. They can be as intimate and as affectionate as they like, but I will only see them as a friend's spouse, as an example. I'm sure that's mutual.
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Old 21st May 2011, 5:48 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by ladyinlimbo View Post
How did you originally meet him?

How long ago was his last serious relationship? (maybe it's been a while and he feels 'out of touch' with dating and is trying to take things slowly to avoid scaring you off?). Maybe he's just someone who prefers to take things slowly, period, and let a deep friendship evolve - as a strong foundation - before it's considered a relationship?

Did the work you 2 talked about seem totally legit and above board?

Who has been the one to initiate the dates? (not that it always has to be the guy)

What kind of dates have you had? What kind of places do you 2 go to on your dates?

Hopefully someone reading can give you suggestions on how to gauge his level of interest, I am kind of drawing a blank here.

So he always hugs you hello/goodbye. That's good. Does he seem like the kind of person who would do that with everyone? Does he seem somewhat shy in a sense?
I met him originally at a bar of all places, he doesn't drink but he was with a friend having ice tea- I was sitting on the patio by an outdoor fireplace. He came over with his friend to warm up by the fire and started engaging me in conversation. He asked what me & my friends name was, then asked what are 5 things I know for sure in this life. He's a deep thinker and pretty spiritual (not over religious but believes in a divine purpose and the laws of attraction). We talked for maybe 30 minutes and exchanged numbers.

2 weeks after we met for coffee. It was kind of initiated by me, I asked how his Easter was and if he wanted to go bowling, he suggested we go for coffee and dessert. That date lasted 2.5 hours, we talked a lot, just an instant connection. You know how sometimes there are people you meet and you feel like you have known them forever? That's how I feel about him. I'm pretty sure I made it clear I considered the evening a date- as he asked about previous relationships and if I had dated anyone since the ex. I told him he's the first- so I think I spelled it out for him.

The next date was initiated by him. He suggested we rent a terrible movie that we joked about on our date. When he picked me up he said there was a movie in theaters he'd like to see and wanted to know if I was okay with that instead. I said sure. He said he picked the theater for a reason, as he wanted to give me some background on how he got into the entertainment industry and the role this theater played in his life. After the movie he asked if I still had time, I said yeah, so we went to ihop for coffee and split an appetizer.

The next time we met was a week ago, but I knew it was not a date per say, as he was asking for help with a project. The work is legit, it has to do with film production and distribution- he basically wants help driving traffic to his website. He's drawing up a contract for me to be subcontractor for him. We split a burger and fries, and after the business talk we just told a bunch of stories, he had me in tears of laughter at one point. He was pressed for time that day, but he hung out until he absolutely had to leave.

I'm not sure if he would hug just anyone, but at the same time he is such a nice genuine guy, maybe he would. I don't think he is shy, but I wouldn't call him outgoing either. Very easy to talk to and has no trouble initiating conversation or brushing tough subjects.

It's been 5 months since his last relationship, and that one didn't last long (6 months) but I know it was enough of a heartbreak for him to seek a life coach on the matter to help him get over it.

It's so hard read, he could be taking thing slow (which I am fine with) or he sees me as a friend. I don't want to ask because I don't want to cross a line and possibly screw up the business side of things that are developing.
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Old 21st May 2011, 6:00 PM   #11
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OP, is he a virgin? That sounds a lot like my behavior back when I was a virgin many years ago, and which behavior lasted well into my 30's.

Topically, it depends on the psychology of the male but, yes, it is possible. I've had a number of objectively very attractive women as friends over the decades and just never felt anything for them. Our intimacy never reached the level which drives my sexual attraction. There have been a limited number whom, upon revealing their intimate selves, I found so incompatible that I couldn't resolve such issues, but they were fine as more superficial friends. The rest are unavailable, like the wives of my friends. They can be as intimate and as affectionate as they like, but I will only see them as a friend's spouse, as an example. I'm sure that's mutual.
That's a good question, and one I have thought of, but we haven't talked about sexual history. My guess is he's not. I don't see him as promiscuous, as he has a spiritual side to him, but I don't get an inexperienced vibe from him either. I know he' never been married and has no kids.

I don't think I have said anything to put me in the friend category at this point. We are eerily similar, it's pretty ridiculous, and share a lot of the same views. I hate to jump the gun, but I really feel like this guy was meant to be in my life in some way, shape, or form. Be it friend or more, there is just a connection I cannot deny.
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Old 21st May 2011, 6:10 PM   #12
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Perhaps oddly, I had a really confusing permutation of the 'friend-zone' with the 'friend' written about in my LS journals. I saw this most markedly upon being with her 20 something years after the fact. I wanted to be with her but didn't get sexually aroused by her. It was like we were twins or something; completely intuitive with each other. In a way I'm sorry she had to suffer through that. The behaviors were eerily similar to what you're describing. I have no explanation for it.

My advice is to accept his actions as his truth. If he's not approaching you sexually and flirting with you like you expect a man to be with a woman, then he's not. Don't look for hidden messages. Entertain other options. Even if he is attracted, he's not showing it in a compatible way. Your attraction/romantic styles are incompatible. How a man responds to the presence of a woman he's attracted to sexually is a natural part of his personality. Each of us is different. If it ain't 'doin' it' for you, then it ain't. No harm, no foul.
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Old 21st May 2011, 6:22 PM   #13
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Sure.

Many of my female friends were a result of me eventually putting them in the friendzone. It's not like tell them, "sorry, I like you as a friend," but more that I ignore their intimate advances/dialogue and continue to treat them as a friend until they get the picture.
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Old 21st May 2011, 6:29 PM   #14
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Possible. Guys will probably be less inclined to refuse an offer of free NSA sex from a 'friend' than a girl, but it is a 'friendzone' nevertheless, since it can't possibly lead to a relationship.
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Old 21st May 2011, 7:34 PM   #15
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Perhaps oddly, I had a really confusing permutation of the 'friend-zone' with the 'friend' written about in my LS journals. I saw this most markedly upon being with her 20 something years after the fact. I wanted to be with her but didn't get sexually aroused by her. It was like we were twins or something; completely intuitive with each other. In a way I'm sorry she had to suffer through that. The behaviors were eerily similar to what you're describing. I have no explanation for it.

My advice is to accept his actions as his truth. If he's not approaching you sexually and flirting with you like you expect a man to be with a woman, then he's not. Don't look for hidden messages. Entertain other options. Even if he is attracted, he's not showing it in a compatible way. Your attraction/romantic styles are incompatible. How a man responds to the presence of a woman he's attracted to sexually is a natural part of his personality. Each of us is different. If it ain't 'doin' it' for you, then it ain't. No harm, no foul.
So odd, I know exactly what you mean. The stars have aligned for this, in some way- although I don't know the purpose yet. I just wish I knew what that purpose was, because I don't want to screw up a friendship or potential relationship.

Part of me thinks, he's just taking it slow and feeling me out. He doesn't want to get hurt so he is cautious. The other part of me says he's just a nice guy with no motives, and our time together is a friend thing. I am really okay with either or. I'm attracted to him and would like to keep going on dates because I see something with him- I've never had this much in common with one person ever. But if he didn't see me in that light, I would be okay with it and be completely comfortable being friends.

Ah, if I only knew the outcome...
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