Leaving dating profile up while in an exclusive relationship

[Timmeh]

How does LS feel about this? I got into a debate with my girlfriend on this topic tonight. She cancelled her dating profile but she has a friend who has been in a committed relationship for 6 years but still checks OKCUPID everyday. I told her that seemed a little weird/borderline disrespectful even though he is listed as "seeing someone".

 

Now I know online dating websites such as plenty of fish, and OKCUPID also have other usages. Things such as activity partners, forums, and blogs. However these websites are primarily used to find dates and are geared mostly towards dating.

 

My girlfriend even told me awhile back, from her own lips once that OKCUPID was not a good place to find friends yet she doesn't think it's weird that her friend is hanging around on OKCUPID?

 

To be completely honest I don't understand those people who still actively corespond on these websites while in a relationship. I'd love to hear LS's thoughts on the matter.

[Josh25]

How does LS feel about this? I got into a debate with my girlfriend on this topic tonight. She cancelled her dating profile but she has a friend who has been in a committed relationship for 6 years but still checks OKCUPID everyday. I told her that seemed a little weird/borderline disrespectful even though he is listed as "seeing someone".

 

Now I know online dating websites such as plenty of fish, and OKCUPID also have other usages. Things such as activity partners, forums, and blogs. However these websites are primarily used to find dates and are geared mostly towards dating.

 

My girlfriend even told me awhile back, from her own lips once that OKCUPID was not a good place to find friends yet she doesn't think it's weird that her friend is hanging around on OKCUPID?

 

To be completely honest I don't understand those people who still actively corespond on these websites while in a relationship. I'd love to hear LS's thoughts on the matter.

 

Well you've brought up a good point. If my partner was active on OkCupid, I would be a little concerned. I do agree that these sites are primarily for dating. So yes it would be a cause for concern - especially when she/he is frequently chatting and seeking emotional fulfilment externally which could obviously lead to something more.

 

 

 

Having said that, some people enjoy receiving messages from random people because it builds confidence and self-esteem. But I don't think OkCupid is the answer if you are in an existing serious relationship.

[lolo1234]

Sorry but I jut don't get it. I wouldn't do that or put up with my SO doing it

[tb24]

Having met my girlfriend on OKCupid, the topic came up pretty fast. We both deleted our profiles once we made it official.

 

Still being on there would be weird. I'd say it's hugely disrespectful. To me it's like saying "I'm only with you until I find someone better."

[Rinnix]

If I was seeing someone who needed to keep there profile up whilst being "committed" to me, I would let them have the profile and walk out.

 

It's not respectful, and it's essentially keeping options open.

[Jazzari]

I met my current SO on an online site. When we decided to become exclusive, we took our profiles down. If he didn't want to do that, then I would have assumed he wasn't serious and moved on.

 

We did this on the 3rd-4th date. Can't remember which.

[Eddie Edirol]

No one is on those dating sites looking for friends. Anyone who is on there is still shopping, even if they are still in a relationship.

[Cee]

I'd like to add that there is all sorts of weirdness on OKC. The discussion forums are a mess of trolling and make LS seem like Mensa. And I've gotten IMs from men looking to cyber. Even "innocent" chat got kind of weird. Who wants to communicate with a total stranger as "friends" for 30 minutes?

 

I'd never allow my BF to be on any dating site.

[BWLoca]

My boyfriend and I met on OKC and both kept our profiles up. We both changed our statuses to "seeing someone" and left it at that.

 

Everyone has their own boundaries. I think it's a little weird to check it every day, though. I check mine only when I receive an email that I've gotten a message. Otherwise, I just find the quizzes kind of cute.

[surfrider4284]

I guess I dont see the point of keeping that profile up if it says "seeing someone" AND you have no intention of shopping around.

 

What's the point? Do you really enjoy random chats with strangers that much that you need a profile on a dating/meeting site? Weird if you ask me.

[Confusedalways]

I did not meet my boyfriend online, however my profile is still up, with no picture, and 'seeing someone.'

 

I really like to read and respond on the message boards. Plus, I do like the quizzes.

 

If my boyfriend had one, I would want his picture to be taken down. Perhaps this is a compromise?

[BWLoca]

I guess the difference with me is that I never joined the site to shop around or meet anyone. I really just wanted to take fun quizzes

 

Believe me, my least favorite part is responding to "hey, what's up?" over and over again.

[Star Gazer]

Absolutely would not be okay with me.

[Timmeh]

I guess the difference with me is that I never joined the site to shop around or meet anyone. I really just wanted to take fun quizzes

 

Believe me, my least favorite part is responding to "hey, what's up?" over and over again.

I could understand a little joining to take quizes/forum browsing but this guy is actively replying. He does have his relationship status up but it still is weird to me albeit he is looking for activity partners or so he says.

 

The thing that makes me unsettled is that my girlfriend met him on OKC a little before she met me (again she met him not as a romantic interest but as an activity partner). They've been going out for a movie and dinner ever since every other week.

[BWLoca]

Well, if she wanted to go out with him, obviously she had the chance but chose you. Are you invited to these dinner and a movie nights or at least welcome?

 

I'll admit in previous relationships, I probably would've felt uneasy about my boyfriend having his profile up. Every relationship is different.

[Timmeh]

Well, if she wanted to go out with him, obviously she had the chance but chose you. Are you invited to these dinner and a movie nights or at least welcome?

 

I'll admit in previous relationships, I probably would've felt uneasy about my boyfriend having his profile up. Every relationship is different.

I have a feeling that I'm not welcomed. It has something to do with what I did.

 

When we first became exclusive she went through a phase. She was catching up with old friends and people she hadn't seen in awhile. I didn't get to hang out with her for 3 weeks because her schedule was so overloaded and she already made plans with other people when I tried to ask her out. In this time period she talked about her friend she met on OKC a lot and she hung out with him 5x in that period of three weeks.

 

One day she was cleaning her car and she found something of mine so she decided to bring it over. She said that she wouldn't get to hang out because she was going to grab a bite to eat and go see a movie with her OKC friend. When she came to the door she was very beautiful, she really did herself up nicely. When I saw that anger welled up inside me. I took what was mine and shut the door without a word. We had a fight but worked it out. Now she won't talk about him in front of me or even mention anything related to him. I don't think I would be welcome because of the way I acted that one day.

 

I've never met the guy and I don't even know his name. It's just that everything I hear about him seems "off" to me. I feel he has ulterior motives, I kind of wish I could meet him although it would be very awkward to me.

[Stung]

Meh, it really depends on the site and the level of interaction. I met my husband on OKCupid, six years ago, and we both still have our profiles up. We took down our pics and have our statuses reset to Married. We each refer to the other in our profiles, and clearly state we're just looking to make friends/take quizzes. Anything less might seem disrespectful.

 

Neither of us is very active on the site anymore. Why do we keep the profiles up at all? I guess both of us had so much trust in the other one right away that it didn't seem like anything to worry about. I still log in from time to time to skim the forums, to check out my friends' dates, to kill time answering questions and taking some of the personality quizzes. I dont get much mail anymore since my pics are down and my profile says I'm married and not looking, but once in a while I get a really weird/amusing letter and I usually show it to my husband. I have made a few friends, although very few, it's not a very efficient way to meet people platonically. My husband logs in once in a while to look at something I have directed him to, or to compare quiz results with me. Our profiles and our letter exchanges with each other are sentimental to us. I guess we could copy them over into some other form, but we've just been kind of lazy about it since they're right there, preserved on OKC already the motivation levels aren't high.

 

That being said, if either one of us could see that the other was interacting really frequently and exchanging regular letters with people on that site, if we had our best pics up and didn't mention anything about being taken and not looking to hook up in the profiles/relationship statuses it would DEFINITELY raise some eyebrows and require some explanation.

[OliveOyl]

I have a feeling that I'm not welcomed. It has something to do with what I did.

 

When we first became exclusive she went through a phase. She was catching up with old friends and people she hadn't seen in awhile. I didn't get to hang out with her for 3 weeks because her schedule was so overloaded and she already made plans with other people when I tried to ask her out. In this time period she talked about her friend she met on OKC a lot and she hung out with him 5x in that period of three weeks.

 

Ummm.... You were "exclusive" yet you didn't spend time with her for 3 weeks... whereas she hung out 5 different times with this other guy?

 

Normally when you becomes exclusive with someone, that person goes to the top of the list in terms spending time together. At least in my world view.

 

This sounds very strange. How long have you been seeing her?

[Crazy Magnet]

I kept my OKC profile up during my last R. I changed it to "Seeing Someone" and put a blurb about being in a relationship and not looking for anything other than friends.

 

I still got all kinds of romantic messages but I never responded. I took the quizzes and played around on the site from time to time.

 

In my new R as soon as I took down my match profile I deleted my OKC profile too. It felt like the right thing to do this time.

 

I think every one is different and each couple is going to have their own boundaries.

[Timmeh]

Ummm.... You were "exclusive" yet you didn't spend time with her for 3 weeks... whereas she hung out 5 different times with this other guy?

 

Normally when you becomes exclusive with someone, that person goes to the top of the list in terms spending time together. At least in my world view.

 

This sounds very strange. How long have you been seeing her?

I've now been seeing her for 6 months it was 3 at that time (I've known her for a year). I got to see her at my college because we had a class together. Because of this she put me on the bottom of her list, it really hurt. I feel important but I definitely not the most important person in her life. There are many things she won't share with me like her writing.

[Pfiend101]

I ran into this with the first girl I dated after 3 months we became exclusive. I asked if she would take it down. She said I should trust her. That was the end of that. She wouldn't change it to at least seeing someone. Crushed me.

[Timmeh]

Ummm.... You were "exclusive" yet you didn't spend time with her for 3 weeks... whereas she hung out 5 different times with this other guy?

 

Normally when you becomes exclusive with someone, that person goes to the top of the list in terms spending time together. At least in my world view.

 

This sounds very strange. How long have you been seeing her?

LS won't let me edit my message... this is the second thing I wanted to add. Because she saw him 5x in 3 weeks and didn't find time for me I really started to hate the guy. The more I learn about him the more uncomfortable I feel about their friendship, especially since when they go out they go alone. (I don't mind her hanging out with other guys on a one on one basis just him). Do you think it's time I asked to tag along on a movie night? It will be awkward if I do go for me and my girlfriend, but it might set my mind at ease. If I go I will have my girlfriend tell him I'm just a friend she invited who had nothing to do.

 

Is this a good idea?

[Timmeh]

I ran into this with the first girl I dated after 3 months we became exclusive. I asked if she would take it down. She said I should trust her. That was the end of that. She wouldn't change it to at least seeing someone. Crushed me.

It's not my girlfriend it's a friend of my girlfriend. My girlfriend took her OKCUPID down even before we became exclusive.

[ladyinlimbo]

I think it's weird to be in a mutually exclusive relationship and REMAIN on a dating site. I know that some of these sites have forums and such and many claim they remain there "for the forums" but I still think it's weird. If one is so into forums and such, there are plenty of places online (like LS, for instance! lol) to partake in them.

 

I've read countless posts on POF about this very topic.....and it seems that many of the oldtimers (not old but have been there in the forums forever) claim they remain because they've 'made friends' and they don't want to give that up. I think that's bizarre but your mileage may vary. If I'm in a good healthy relationship with someone, I will surely have much better things to do with my time than waste it sitting on my computer and posting voraciously on dating site forums or getting caught up in the online drama of strangers. I've seen people on the forums there who practically live there.....and yet they're in allegedly serious, long term relationships, some even married. I think it's weird. Some even continue to update their many photos........WTH for? If you're really just there for the forums, why the need to revise your portfolio like that? As far as I'm concerned, these types are attention wh0res and there's still something missing in their life.

 

I see forums on these dating sites as pretty much an online Jerry Springer show.

 

If I'm in an exclusive relationship with someone, I wouldn't think twice about deleting my dating profile and not stepping foot into that site again, totally fine with me. The purpose of the site was to help me connect with someone I likely wouldn't have crossed paths with otherwise.....and if I'm fortunate enough to meet the right person, the site served its purpose and I'm outta there.

 

I think a lot of people keep a profile because of the whole 'kid in a candy store' mentality..........that even though they have someone, WHAT IF someone better might come along?......so they don't want to totally close the door to other options, which I think is rude and tacky.