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Divorced. Middle-aged. What are the dating rules?


just_some_guy

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just_some_guy

Time to ever so slowly, get back into the dating world.

 

I'm divorced after a year of separation. In a better place emotionally and mentally. Not yet ready for the "relationship" world.

 

Would like to date and honestly, have no idea of the rules today.

 

I'm not looking to bed down with anyone. Nothing against sex, but there's so much baggage that comes with it, I just don't want to go there quite yet.

 

So what are the rules?

 

First date - awkward meeting for a drink or coffee

Second date - maybe dinner, movie or other activity?

Third - seems to be the traditional "expected sex date". Not sure I'm ready for that.

 

What about dating more than one? I don't want to be exclusive at this point.

 

On a first date that goes OK, when do I need to call for another? If I explain that I am moving very slowly at this stage in life, does that change timetables or expectations?

 

It is so confusing, especially with sex. It seems that women my age are very much ready to have sex quickly. But that has the baggage of the seal-a-deal, implied exclusivity and intimacy that honestly I'm not ready for.

 

But I like companionship with the opposite sex and, well, I do have my physical desires to contend with.

 

What say yee, oh wize internet citizens?

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Dating by default, starts casually. When you're casual, you can do whatever you want, as in date other people, and she can too. Don't ask don't tell. Because it's rude to throw that in the other person's face.

 

The rule is it's all fun and games until the exclusivity talk. That reduces miscommunications and incorrect assumptions. If you want to play, just don't have the exclusivity talk. When she brings it up, don't lie.

 

Casual dating may or may not include sex. Sex is not the holy grail that women seem to make it out to be. If both side are on board, have fun. Nothing wrong with consensual unattached adults doing whatever strikes their fancy. If not, no big deal, keep dating if you're having a good time.

 

And don't trust anyone. Trust has to be earned, and not given out freely just because she has a nice rack.

 

Anyway, those are the cynic's rules. It stresses personal responsibility - no baby sitting. As long as you don't lie when asked and are not a hypocrite, you've satisfied the cynics rules. And technically, you would be in the right.

 

But some people expect "nice". Then these rules aren't enough to cover "nice". Being a cynic myself, I don't believe in "nice". Maybe someone else can elaborate what's "nice". And you can choose you own path.

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Rules? What rules? I've found that there are as many different rules as there are people. I don't know how long it's been since you last dated but things have changed since the 80's and even 90's. The internet dating thing is huge, lots of people 'multi date'. Women are more forward and less reserved about casual sex (or at least they play it off that way at first).

 

But human nature hasn't changed. Ask yourself what you're looking for and use your own code of ethics. A few pointers.

 

1. Keep divorce and ex talk ex to a bare minimum.

2. Relax, it's just a date. Live in the moment and don't get to caught up in the future.

3. Keep expectations down.

4. Don't be surprised if they flake out and don't take it personally.

Edited by sumdude
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Hmmm... I think if you're not ready to have sex at all ... are you really ready for dating? For me, dating is a activity I do, in order to move toward a potential relationship... personally I never liked to date just to "date." But that's me. If you're really not ready for all the complexities of dating - and yes, it's murky waters - maybe you could consider doing meetups (e.g. using meetup.com as a way to meet new friends to share similar hobbies and interests).

 

Or maybe you should do a lot of very casual / multi-dating, not letting any dates get past the 3rd date. Although I'm sure you can find someone who is comfortable continuing "dating" one person without sex, I don't think that's the norm at our age (I'm middle-aged too). Your best bet is to find a woman that will just want to be friends, but wants someone to go to the movies with, etc. In your case... you want to be friend-zoned. Maybe that's not too difficult.

 

I'm a little unclear though... you say "well, I do have my physical desires to contend with" but you also say you don't want sex. So what do you mean by physical desires?

Edited by OliveOyl
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As a middle aged dater (actually have a BF now), I can tell you that some things are very different. Online dating takes a lot of getting used to. One thing that is surprising is that you go on a date and you think it went great only to get the fade.

 

The fade is very common. You don't get rejected, but she'll kind of disappear by not returning calls or texts. Or accept a second date, but somehow not be able to schedule it.

 

I think "old fashioned" rules work extremely well in the dating world. Like calling to set up a date and calling to set up a follow up date. Try not to get lured into the texting or IM abyss. Paying for dates is common and acceptable although she might go dutch sometimes. As for physical stuff, I don't know. I think that's an individual thing.

 

Get out there and you'll learn. That's how I did it. I didn't make any major mistakes, but I was naive in thinking that a couple good dates meant he wanted a relationship. That wasn't true at all.

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CrestfallenNoMore

The best advice I can give as a divorcee dating myself, is to drop your "Relationship Filter" at this point. We're used to being in one, and it's hard not to view every new date without thinking "I wonder how/if..."

 

The truth is, you'll likely have several first dates. Just enjoy them for what they are. I'm not saying that you should continue to date someone you know is a bad choice for you, but start with a "friend filter" first, and look for things you have in common with the person, rather than go through a disqualification checklist.

 

Oh, and also do the asking/planning. I can't tell you how many men out there sit around and wait for the woman to initiate. Don't be that guy - set yourself apart.

 

Good luck. :)

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Consider starting out with day dates, keep them active (no dinner and movie, or if you must eat, get only appetizers sitting next to each other at the bar), light, fun and flirty, NO HEAVY TALK about your or her past, baggage, etc. Deflect red pencil HR type questions with humor, and certainly don't ask them yourself. Have dates where the environment (art, nature, events) lead to easy conversation topics. You will be back in the swing in no time, good luck.

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CrestfallenNoMore

That's good advice from sanskrit. That advice also triggered something from my early days.

 

I'm not a middle-aged dater, but I found this out the hard way. To capitalize on sanskrit's advice about the ex - even if SHE starts in on her ex, don't think to yourself "Oh, we're talking about exes, it's ok" and then talk about your ex and experience (especially not on the first date) Simply nod, say "I'm sorry to hear that," and change the topic. :)

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Some couples have a "safe word" or "code word" if something they are doing is uncomfortable. Wouldn't it be cool if there were some way to establish the word "baggage" as an early (or even later) dating "safe word." Wonder how that could be brought up humorously on an early date? Might even be a joke worth putting in a dating profile... hmm.

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