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She lied about her age..


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Yesterday, I inadvertently discovered that my girlfriend of 6 months has been lying to me about her age. She had told me she was 26 before we got together, and yesterday I found out she was actually 30. We do love each other, and although the age thing clearly isn't ideal (im 24), it is just a number and nothing about her as a person really changes... Except one thing-

 

She lied. This is the first time she has ever lied to me (or so i believe), and I immediately began questioning what else she could possibly be lying about. It doesn't help that we're in a temporary LDR situation - she's away on a grant for this month. Infact, I was trying to find her address online to surprise her with a fruit basket with chocolate dipped strawberries when I bumped into her old myspace account with her age, graduating year, and other information as well.

 

I feel like it was completely and rightfully my choice to choose whether or not to date her based on that level of age gap, and it isn't fair for me to find out about that after we both fell hard. I confronted her yesterday and she was crying nonstop/had a panic attack, told me she had planned that she was going to sit me down and tell me when she got back.

 

If the age is of any concern, it would be about our future. She had expressed to me an interest in having a family one day - shared ideals with me. However, I'm currently in a transitional period graduating from college and I feel I'm years away from making that kind of commitment... I don't want her to lose more time trying to find someone who is ready.

 

... Rant over, that ended up being longer than planned. Have any of you guys been through this or have any advice?

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I completely agree, especially with your 3rd paragraph.

 

This is kind of shady, man. It's not like she bumped herself down 1 year. She took a whole 4 year dip.

 

You had to discover it on your own and, of course, after you discovered it she revealed that she planned on telling you... 6 months later.

 

I would be very concerned for this sort of behavior and there is really no room for any more big red flags in this context. Considering your concerns regarding starting a family, I would think long and hard about this one. Don't break for the door now. Just do a lot of reflection and I am sure you will make the right choice for you.

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chuckles11

That's a big deal OP. It's not like your girlfriend is a 50 year old woman claiming to be 46(which is still weird, but less, so). She's only 30 years old. Is this the only thing she's done that's borderline crazy?

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I've found from talking to other men that once women are breaking into their 30's, they're like a ticking time clock with a strong desire to embark on their plans of starting a family. Not that that is relevant to the lie she fed you, but it might be something to personally consider and/or talk about.

 

Also consider, that if leaving the situation is not in your plans, will you be able to fully forgive the mistake? Many times people will forgive, but if something small even happens that seems the least bit odd or suspicious, then all the doubts from before start flooding back. Just something to think about...

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i don't think that is a big deal at all. woman lie about their age and weight all the time. If you look at major college rosters.. they will list the height/weight of men but now women. Age, weight, and height are a bit more sensitive to women than men. I think this is totally forgivable as long as you two are on the same path in life and have similar goals.

 

When I'm out with my girlfriends, men often think im 24 and I'm 29. I just smile and agree. This same thing happend with the new guy im dating and he's 25 in June. we are 4.5 years apart. I did tell him the truth and he was suprised but i didn't care because i just saw him as a little fun. but in the end, it does not matter to him.

 

I think women should date a guy a little younger. They always say, men die earlier.. this way you die about the same time. haha!!

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Although they say women mature faster than men, I'm not so sure. Some women take longer to develop emotional maturity and financial security than men. At least, that's how it was for me. I didn't hit the peak of my happiness until after 35.

 

With that said, I think biological age isn't a good predictor of relationship success. I know she lied to you, but do you love her anyway? Despite her mistake and her caving into societal myths that 30 is over-the-hill somehow.

 

When you turn 29, you will develop a lot of compassion for your girlfriend (whether ex or not). Turning 30 is a peculiar right of passage in our culture. Thirty is a great age, but is treated like a funeral rather than a celebration.

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Mme. Chaucer

I'm against lying ... but also, I believe that a woman's age is nobody's business!

 

Ancient Chinese proverb:

 

“The woman who tells her age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain”
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I would be very concerned for this sort of behavior and there is really no room for any more big red flags in this context. Considering your concerns regarding starting a family, I would think long and hard about this one. Don't break for the door now. Just do a lot of reflection and I am sure you will make the right choice for you.

Agreed, Sab. I even let her know that I have trust issues due to horrible outbreaks in previous relationships from the beginning. She promised this was the only thing she ever lied about, but I warned her if I end up finding out anything else that heavy she was hiding, I'm done.

 

Is this the only thing she's done that's borderline crazy?
Yeah, she's been amazing besides this event.

 

i don't think that is a big deal at all. woman lie about their age and weight all the time. If you look at major college rosters.. they will list the height/weight of men but now women. Age, weight, and height are a bit more sensitive to women than men. I think this is totally forgivable as long as you two are on the same path in life and have similar goals.

 

When I'm out with my girlfriends, men often think im 24 and I'm 29. I just smile and agree. This same thing happend with the new guy im dating and he's 25 in June. we are 4.5 years apart. I did tell him the truth and he was suprised but i didn't care because i just saw him as a little fun. but in the end, it does not matter to him.

 

I think women should date a guy a little younger. They always say, men die earlier.. this way you die about the same time. haha!!

Hah! Great insight from the other side. Thanks orion, this helps put things in perspective a bit. It's why i love this place! I don't want to be considered some cougar fling though. My worry is say a year or two goes by and she starts craving something more serious that I'm not ready to offer, she'll go for someone who can. I don't want to be some midlife crisis rebound... but I don't think that's the case.

 

With that said, I think biological age isn't a good predictor of relationship success. I know she lied to you, but do you love her anyway? Despite her mistake and her caving into societal myths that 30 is over-the-hill somehow.

I do love her, yes. I haven't felt this way in a bit, actually. She's beautiful, we share the same sense of humor and values. We share and experiment with each others hobbies all the time. She's independent and very successful (an executive director... I guess this now makes her my sugar momma? :p). She's a classy, sweet, midwestern girl who treats me very well (never demanding, surprises me with gifts/affections as well as home cooked meals, and very supportive) Also, we have an absolutely amazing sex life - we're both confident, experimental, and kinky in bed. I seriously could not ask for a better match for me, but this lie just shatters a strong degree of trust i had in her - she had my 100%.

 

I'm against lying ... but also, I believe that a woman's age is nobody's business!
Haha, well, it's best she said nothing about her age than lying about it.
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nyc_guy2003

I have a guy friend who's 40 but looks 30ish and never tells girls his age. They just all assume he's around 30 and it seems to work for him even though it is a huge difference between perception and reality.

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I do love her, yes. I haven't felt this way in a bit, actually. She's beautiful, we share the same sense of humor and values. We share and experiment with each others hobbies all the time. She's independent and very successful (an executive director... I guess this now makes her my sugar momma? :p). She's a classy, sweet, midwestern girl who treats me very well (never demanding, surprises me with gifts/affections as well as home cooked meals, and very supportive) Also, we have an absolutely amazing sex life - we're both confident, experimental, and kinky in bed. I seriously could not ask for a better match for me, but this lie just shatters a strong degree of trust i had in her - she had my 100%.

 

 

Good lord, man, I think you can forgive that one lie in this case. Move on and enjoy the rest of the relationship.

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The only thing I didn't get is her reaction. You said she burst into tears and so forth. But did you ask her why she did it? Did she tell you? Did you have any compassion for her reasons - I'm not saying you should, I just wondered.

 

However, I do think it is a little weird to take off 4 years if you are only 30 and there is only a small age gap anyway. Perhaps she felt she hadn't achieved enough or was worried about being rejected because not in her 20s anymore, its hard to say. Usually women wait a couple of decades before they start doing that :cool:

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I've been through something somewhat similar. She said she was 19, she was 17. Obviously I broke it off immediately, still hate her for lying and getting me in an illegal situation. Still makes me sick to think about it :sick:

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Either a) you reserve the right to lie to others based on your gender, or b) you are equal. Choose.

 

OP, this is a red-flag, but may not be a deal-killer. It is a substantial, material lie, not a "little white lie," but does not rise to the level of worst possible lies. Only you know her well enough to know whether the lie is indicative of her character, any underlying emotional disorders, or just her being female, so we really can't help you. If you stick with her, make it crystal clear that the next lie is byebye.

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However, I do think it is a little weird to take off 4 years if you are only 30 and there is only a small age gap anyway. Perhaps she felt she hadn't achieved enough or was worried about being rejected because not in her 20s anymore, its hard to say. Usually women wait a couple of decades before they start doing that :cool:

 

Well, it's not every day you get a shot at the world's most interesting man now is it?

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She kind of had to lie. After 25, your life is over. Who really wants a day old Christmas cake? I'm surprised the lie wasn't bigger especially since she hit the big three O. At that point you aren't merely stale but moldy and rancid.

 

 

Your sarcasm has just enough sting to it.

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waynesworld

Lying about her age is one thing, but keeping up that lie for six months is another. I have a hard time believing she was going to sit you down and tell you the moment she got back.

 

This would probably be a deal-breaker for me. But, if you decide to stay with her, she'll have to earn back your trust and you have to make sure she knows it. There have to be consequences; no free passes.

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If you stick with her, make it crystal clear that the next lie is byebye.
I let her know that she damaged my trust in her to a fairly strong degree, and my spiteful side let her know it was stupid of me to have completely trusted her in the first place - because I generally have trust issues due to my past. I said im no longer going to take her 100% at word's worth, that I began questioning the truth of other things she's told me, and if she lies again at this level or higher I'm done.

 

The only thing I didn't get is her reaction. You said she burst into tears and so forth. But did you ask her why she did it? Did she tell you? Did you have any compassion for her reasons - I'm not saying you should, I just wondered.

 

However, I do think it is a little weird to take off 4 years if you are only 30 and there is only a small age gap anyway. Perhaps she felt she hadn't achieved enough or was worried about being rejected because not in her 20s anymore, its hard to say. Usually women wait a couple of decades before they start doing that :cool:

We're both very much in love. She started crying because she wanted to tell me in her own way and was afraid of 1 of 2 things -

 

1) It would never be the same between us

2) I would break it off

 

As for her reasoning...She lied to me about her age before we began dating - while we were just friends of friends. She said she had no idea anything would happen and didn't think it a big deal at the time. She admitted she was wrong for not telling me much sooner, but she said she didn't because 'if you knew I lied that early on you would've cut it off immediately'. I probably would have

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ascendotum
As for her reasoning...She lied to me about her age before we began dating - while we were just friends of friends. She said she had no idea anything would happen and didn't think it a big deal at the time. She admitted she was wrong for not telling me much sooner, but she said she didn't because 'if you knew I lied that early on you would've cut it off immediately'. I probably would have

 

Glad to see you see you are giving her the benefit of the doubt and hope the relationship continous being great otherwise.

 

I can relate to her reasons, as the same situation has occurred to me, except I was the one that made out I was younger (I look a lot younger) when we were just friends and did'nt expect to end up in a relationship with her, and then procrastinated over telling her, suspecting it was not going to be a LTR as the weeks passed, and as it turned out ended up breaking up before I had to. I had to be careful what documents I left lying around.

 

A baby faced friend of mime did something similar while hanging out with a group that was much younger and didn't want to be the old man so backed his age down 11-12 yrs and surprisingly got together with one of the 21 yr olds who pursued him. He managed to have a casual relationship with her for over a year and the relationship was a little clandenstine as a result of him not wanting her to meet too many family/friends who were not in on it. He ended it when she wanted to move in together. He recalled her making a comment about how gross it would be to have sex with a 40yr old guy because that was too close to her dad's age. lol.

 

One lie early in a relationship does not necessarily indicate the person is going to become a notorious liar in all other aspects of their life, though how much of a deal breaker it is I guess depends on how much the deception disorted how the person really is.

 

How many people exaggerate in their resume or pump up their expenses on tax return or exaggerate their hobbies on date sites...never to be trusted?? What about some of these guys here > 30 who have never been in a relationship. Is it in their best interests to be honest about that? imo that would most likely perpetuate their single life, and does that mean any woman who finds out the truth can break up with them because that indicates they will be 'interminable liars'?

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I do love her, yes. I haven't felt this way in a bit, actually. She's beautiful, we share the same sense of humor and values. We share and experiment with each others hobbies all the time. She's independent and very successful (an executive director... I guess this now makes her my sugar momma? :p). She's a classy, sweet, midwestern girl who treats me very well (never demanding, surprises me with gifts/affections as well as home cooked meals, and very supportive) Also, we have an absolutely amazing sex life - we're both confident, experimental, and kinky in bed. I seriously could not ask for a better match for me, but this lie just shatters a strong degree of trust i had in her - she had my 100%.

 

Haha, well, it's best she said nothing about her age than lying about it.

 

In her favor:

1) I do love her

2) I haven't felt this way in a bit

3) She's independent

4) She is very successful

5) She's classy

6) She's sweet

7) She's a midwestern girl who treats you very well

8) She is never demanding

9) Surprises me with gifts/affections as well as home cooked meals,

10) She is very supportive

11) An absolutely amazing sex life - confident, experimental, and kinky in bed

12) You seriously could not ask for a better match

 

Against her:

 

1) She lied about her age by 4 years before you started dating her and you had to discover her real age on your own.

 

 

 

She is winning...

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Eddie Edirol

Sivok, since everything else about her is perfect, you will have to have a serious talk with her about the family and marriage thing. Its really a lil early in your life to be tying yourself down, but in a couple years she might have a badgering urge to start having kids, and you will be 26. So if you want to wait until youre 30 to have kids, she will be 36 and start thinking she is over the hill. She will probably start rushing you into marriage and the family deal, because she wont want to be an "older mom". As soon as she starts pressuring you, you might want it less and less with her. Are you prepared to have this major talk with her? Since shes 30, I KNOW she has an agenda. Im pretty sure regardless what she told you, her family plans are completely different now that you know her real age. Make sure you dont invest yourself any further emotionally until you know her plans match yours.

 

Remember, people get married and then start changing. Be careful.

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I had the same thing in reverse happen to me. He lied that he was 5 years older. It didn't sit well with me either, especially since I was honest about my age. He told me he knew I wouldn't give him a chance. Ultimately, it didn't work out because he was, indeed, a liar on many accounts.

 

However, if your gf had one indiscretion and it was this one, I hardly see a reason to throw the baby out with the bath water.

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It's a difficult one as you are already involved and obviously both are likely to be hurt now. What she did was stupid. Some will think it's not too bad. I'm afraid I would. I could not tolerate someone lying to me about their age like that. It would upset me from then on. I know I wouldn't trust them again. I don't know why it matters to me that much but I wouldn't lie about my age. Even though I know I would be more likely to find a guy I liked, if I claimed to be under 50 rather than over, I won't lie. It's a matter of integrity. If a guy lied to me about his age, I'd dump him.

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