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She lied about her age..


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Old 10th May 2011, 8:31 AM   #1
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She lied about her age..

Yesterday, I inadvertently discovered that my girlfriend of 6 months has been lying to me about her age. She had told me she was 26 before we got together, and yesterday I found out she was actually 30. We do love each other, and although the age thing clearly isn't ideal (im 24), it is just a number and nothing about her as a person really changes... Except one thing-

She lied. This is the first time she has ever lied to me (or so i believe), and I immediately began questioning what else she could possibly be lying about. It doesn't help that we're in a temporary LDR situation - she's away on a grant for this month. Infact, I was trying to find her address online to surprise her with a fruit basket with chocolate dipped strawberries when I bumped into her old myspace account with her age, graduating year, and other information as well.

I feel like it was completely and rightfully my choice to choose whether or not to date her based on that level of age gap, and it isn't fair for me to find out about that after we both fell hard. I confronted her yesterday and she was crying nonstop/had a panic attack, told me she had planned that she was going to sit me down and tell me when she got back.

If the age is of any concern, it would be about our future. She had expressed to me an interest in having a family one day - shared ideals with me. However, I'm currently in a transitional period graduating from college and I feel I'm years away from making that kind of commitment... I don't want her to lose more time trying to find someone who is ready.

... Rant over, that ended up being longer than planned. Have any of you guys been through this or have any advice?
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Old 10th May 2011, 8:47 AM   #2
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I completely agree, especially with your 3rd paragraph.

This is kind of shady, man. It's not like she bumped herself down 1 year. She took a whole 4 year dip.

You had to discover it on your own and, of course, after you discovered it she revealed that she planned on telling you... 6 months later.

I would be very concerned for this sort of behavior and there is really no room for any more big red flags in this context. Considering your concerns regarding starting a family, I would think long and hard about this one. Don't break for the door now. Just do a lot of reflection and I am sure you will make the right choice for you.
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Old 10th May 2011, 8:53 AM   #3
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That's a big deal OP. It's not like your girlfriend is a 50 year old woman claiming to be 46(which is still weird, but less, so). She's only 30 years old. Is this the only thing she's done that's borderline crazy?
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Old 10th May 2011, 9:01 AM   #4
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I've found from talking to other men that once women are breaking into their 30's, they're like a ticking time clock with a strong desire to embark on their plans of starting a family. Not that that is relevant to the lie she fed you, but it might be something to personally consider and/or talk about.

Also consider, that if leaving the situation is not in your plans, will you be able to fully forgive the mistake? Many times people will forgive, but if something small even happens that seems the least bit odd or suspicious, then all the doubts from before start flooding back. Just something to think about...
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Old 10th May 2011, 9:28 AM   #5
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hmm wait for 6 years and then forgive her.
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Old 10th May 2011, 10:19 AM   #6
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i don't think that is a big deal at all. woman lie about their age and weight all the time. If you look at major college rosters.. they will list the height/weight of men but now women. Age, weight, and height are a bit more sensitive to women than men. I think this is totally forgivable as long as you two are on the same path in life and have similar goals.

When I'm out with my girlfriends, men often think im 24 and I'm 29. I just smile and agree. This same thing happend with the new guy im dating and he's 25 in June. we are 4.5 years apart. I did tell him the truth and he was suprised but i didn't care because i just saw him as a little fun. but in the end, it does not matter to him.

I think women should date a guy a little younger. They always say, men die earlier.. this way you die about the same time. haha!!
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Old 10th May 2011, 11:29 AM   #7
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Although they say women mature faster than men, I'm not so sure. Some women take longer to develop emotional maturity and financial security than men. At least, that's how it was for me. I didn't hit the peak of my happiness until after 35.

With that said, I think biological age isn't a good predictor of relationship success. I know she lied to you, but do you love her anyway? Despite her mistake and her caving into societal myths that 30 is over-the-hill somehow.

When you turn 29, you will develop a lot of compassion for your girlfriend (whether ex or not). Turning 30 is a peculiar right of passage in our culture. Thirty is a great age, but is treated like a funeral rather than a celebration.
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Old 10th May 2011, 11:49 AM   #8
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I'm against lying ... but also, I believe that a woman's age is nobody's business!

Ancient Chinese proverb:

Quote:
“The woman who tells her age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain”
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Old 10th May 2011, 12:16 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sabali View Post
I would be very concerned for this sort of behavior and there is really no room for any more big red flags in this context. Considering your concerns regarding starting a family, I would think long and hard about this one. Don't break for the door now. Just do a lot of reflection and I am sure you will make the right choice for you.
Agreed, Sab. I even let her know that I have trust issues due to horrible outbreaks in previous relationships from the beginning. She promised this was the only thing she ever lied about, but I warned her if I end up finding out anything else that heavy she was hiding, I'm done.

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Originally Posted by chuckles11 View Post
Is this the only thing she's done that's borderline crazy?
Yeah, she's been amazing besides this event.

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Originally Posted by orion1010 View Post
i don't think that is a big deal at all. woman lie about their age and weight all the time. If you look at major college rosters.. they will list the height/weight of men but now women. Age, weight, and height are a bit more sensitive to women than men. I think this is totally forgivable as long as you two are on the same path in life and have similar goals.

When I'm out with my girlfriends, men often think im 24 and I'm 29. I just smile and agree. This same thing happend with the new guy im dating and he's 25 in June. we are 4.5 years apart. I did tell him the truth and he was suprised but i didn't care because i just saw him as a little fun. but in the end, it does not matter to him.

I think women should date a guy a little younger. They always say, men die earlier.. this way you die about the same time. haha!!
Hah! Great insight from the other side. Thanks orion, this helps put things in perspective a bit. It's why i love this place! I don't want to be considered some cougar fling though. My worry is say a year or two goes by and she starts craving something more serious that I'm not ready to offer, she'll go for someone who can. I don't want to be some midlife crisis rebound... but I don't think that's the case.

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With that said, I think biological age isn't a good predictor of relationship success. I know she lied to you, but do you love her anyway? Despite her mistake and her caving into societal myths that 30 is over-the-hill somehow.
I do love her, yes. I haven't felt this way in a bit, actually. She's beautiful, we share the same sense of humor and values. We share and experiment with each others hobbies all the time. She's independent and very successful (an executive director... I guess this now makes her my sugar momma? :P). She's a classy, sweet, midwestern girl who treats me very well (never demanding, surprises me with gifts/affections as well as home cooked meals, and very supportive) Also, we have an absolutely amazing sex life - we're both confident, experimental, and kinky in bed. I seriously could not ask for a better match for me, but this lie just shatters a strong degree of trust i had in her - she had my 100%.

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I'm against lying ... but also, I believe that a woman's age is nobody's business!
Haha, well, it's best she said nothing about her age than lying about it.
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Old 10th May 2011, 12:56 PM   #10
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I have a guy friend who's 40 but looks 30ish and never tells girls his age. They just all assume he's around 30 and it seems to work for him even though it is a huge difference between perception and reality.
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Old 10th May 2011, 12:57 PM   #11
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I do love her, yes. I haven't felt this way in a bit, actually. She's beautiful, we share the same sense of humor and values. We share and experiment with each others hobbies all the time. She's independent and very successful (an executive director... I guess this now makes her my sugar momma? :P). She's a classy, sweet, midwestern girl who treats me very well (never demanding, surprises me with gifts/affections as well as home cooked meals, and very supportive) Also, we have an absolutely amazing sex life - we're both confident, experimental, and kinky in bed. I seriously could not ask for a better match for me, but this lie just shatters a strong degree of trust i had in her - she had my 100%.

Good lord, man, I think you can forgive that one lie in this case. Move on and enjoy the rest of the relationship.
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Old 10th May 2011, 1:04 PM   #12
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The only thing I didn't get is her reaction. You said she burst into tears and so forth. But did you ask her why she did it? Did she tell you? Did you have any compassion for her reasons - I'm not saying you should, I just wondered.

However, I do think it is a little weird to take off 4 years if you are only 30 and there is only a small age gap anyway. Perhaps she felt she hadn't achieved enough or was worried about being rejected because not in her 20s anymore, its hard to say. Usually women wait a couple of decades before they start doing that
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Old 10th May 2011, 1:05 PM   #13
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I've been through something somewhat similar. She said she was 19, she was 17. Obviously I broke it off immediately, still hate her for lying and getting me in an illegal situation. Still makes me sick to think about it
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Old 10th May 2011, 1:06 PM   #14
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Either a) you reserve the right to lie to others based on your gender, or b) you are equal. Choose.

OP, this is a red-flag, but may not be a deal-killer. It is a substantial, material lie, not a "little white lie," but does not rise to the level of worst possible lies. Only you know her well enough to know whether the lie is indicative of her character, any underlying emotional disorders, or just her being female, so we really can't help you. If you stick with her, make it crystal clear that the next lie is byebye.
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Old 10th May 2011, 1:06 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by jane100 View Post
However, I do think it is a little weird to take off 4 years if you are only 30 and there is only a small age gap anyway. Perhaps she felt she hadn't achieved enough or was worried about being rejected because not in her 20s anymore, its hard to say. Usually women wait a couple of decades before they start doing that
Well, it's not every day you get a shot at the world's most interesting man now is it?
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