The Rebound Relationship

[Elisa89]

So I just figured out today that the guy that I'm dating just broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years two months ago.

We have been dating for a months and the flirting actually started when he was still with his ex.

 

I decided to break it off with him.

 

 

But it made me think what you think about rebound relationships in general. Do you think they can work?

Edited May 3, 2011 by Elisa89

[HeartOnSleeve]

I hope so! I am in that situation and we just decided to go a little slower and not rush into anything. Stinks though! I'm ready and he's not

 

I believe/hope that if two people are compatable enough that it will work out no matter what. Plus it depends on the age...the younger you are the more "freedom" I think some need after a long relationship.

[zengirl]

Not if it's a "rebound" -- as in the person is not really ready.

 

But I don't think some length of time denotes that or that one needs a rebound relationship in between real ones either.

[Professor X]

There's always a chance it'll work; Thing is, rebound RS usually fail because 1 side is in the RS for all the wrong reasons.

[AstroZombie138]

While meeting up with a friend I had met this girl who was dating someone. 4 months or so later I received a friend request on Facebook from the girl. I was like whatever and accepted. Within 5 minutes of accepting she starting messaging me and we chatted for a bit. I casually brought up the guy she was dating to gauge whether she was interested in me romantically. She said they had broken up. We ended up going on a date the next night and sleeping together. We texted and chatted the following week and set up a date to watch a movie at her place. We ended up sleeping together again. Anyway, I found out that she kind of fudged over the fact that she and her boyfriend had pretty much ended things the day she Facebook requested me. That and the fact she was an emotional wreck caused me to break off things right there. No interest in being anyone's "rebound boy"

[AstroZombie138]

Actually, we sort of remained in contact and texted every now and then. Then after not hearing from her for awhile she invited me to her birthday party. Since our mutual friend was going to be there, I accepted. We spoke on the phone soon after. Turned out she did get back together with that ex in the 5-6 weeks since we last saw each other. They had another break up. Either that day or the next was when she invited me to the birthday party. I pulled a "not feeling well" and skipped out on the party.

Like I said, not interested in being anyone's "rebound boy".

[OliveOyl]

I tend to think nearly all relationships are rebound relationships except the very first one.

 

Even if you spend years alone, not being involved with anyone, as soon as you start getting involved with someone, all those past feelings, unresolved issues, and insecurities, will probably come rushing back like it was yesterday. They can't really be resolved in a vacuum.

 

I know a lot of people will disagree with me, thinking it's best to "be alone" and "be self-sufficient" for X amount of time after a relationship is over. Well that will at least give someone the confidence that they can live alone comfortably... but the issues pertaining to being in a relationship will still be there until worked through... in a relationship.

[heartbrokengrl]

I hope mine works. My bf dated his fiance for 8 years and me and him started dating 3 months after they broke up. It's really soon, but we've been dating for 4 months now (which makes them broken up 7 months ago, still not long at all) but we started out strong, then he had doubts and felt he wasn't ready, and now he's been really good. I'm sure he still loves her but she cheated on him and moved out and don't keep in touch but not on bad terms either. I still proceed with caution knowing he could still be in pain and hurting and he's also mentioned he has no room for love right now so I know he doesn't love me, but he may in the future. It may work, it may not, but I really like this guy, I hope it does!

[daphne]

he's also mentioned he has no room for love right now so I know he doesn't love me, but he may in the future. It may work, it may not, but I really like this guy, I hope it does!

 

I'm not sure if you hear yourself, but you're selling yourself short. Accepting scraps in the possibility that one day he'll love you is like purchasing a stock that is plummeting in the hopes that one day it'll sky rocket back to its highest value. In my opinion, it's not very accepting of reality.

[primer]

So I just figured out today that the guy that I'm dating just broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years two months ago.

We have been dating for a months and the flirting actually started when he was still with his ex.

 

I decided to break it off with him.

 

 

But it made me think what you think about rebound relationships in general. Do you think they can work?

 

I think they can work and I hope there are other reasons for your break up. My thoughts are: He may have mentally checked out of the 4 year relationship long before it actually ended. (Especially if the flirting started when he was still with the ex.) For all you know, he was ready to move on to a new relationship.

[Elisa89]

I think they can work and I hope there are other reasons for your break up. My thoughts are: He may have mentally checked out of the 4 year relationship long before it actually ended. (Especially if the flirting started when he was still with the ex.) For all you know, he was ready to move on to a new relationship.

 

Well, breaking it off was the first thought on my mind when he told me this. It was more a shock reaction, I guess.

I actually talked to him today and gave him a chance to explain things. Now I'm not entirely sure what I want to do. I told him I need time to think this through and he says he'll give me all the time I need and will be accepting any decision I make.

 

So I will do just that: take my time and decide.

[zengirl]

I tend to think nearly all relationships are rebound relationships except the very first one.

 

Even if you spend years alone, not being involved with anyone, as soon as you start getting involved with someone, all those past feelings, unresolved issues, and insecurities, will probably come rushing back like it was yesterday. They can't really be resolved in a vacuum.

 

I know a lot of people will disagree with me, thinking it's best to "be alone" and "be self-sufficient" for X amount of time after a relationship is over. Well that will at least give someone the confidence that they can live alone comfortably... but the issues pertaining to being in a relationship will still be there until worked through... in a relationship.

 

Personally, I've done it both ways, and I would say there's some truth to your point, though I don't wholly agree either (I've moved on and not had 'issues' to deal with from past relationships at all at times; it really, really depends on a lot of factors, I think). I also don't think being 'ready' is about 'time' at all.

 

I think there are 2 layers to this discussion --- there's one layer that's about healing the wounds that can be caused by pain or betrayal or old wounds coupled with perhaps even childhood or lifelong issues and how those patterns reappear in your life. That layer, to me, doesn't get resolved in one relationship, and it doesn't matter the stage you're in or out of, resolving it is more about YOU than about anyone you date. Something I've discovered in my life (both as someone who's had deep pain and someone who's loved someone with deep pain): People who have deep pain make bad partners no matter how long they've taken to be alone.

 

And then there's the second layer, which I do think you need to resolve before really committing to a new relationship and which I think can be resolved before or immediately after you meet the new person, either alone or in the FIRST stages of togetherness (I think if someone isn't enough to 'jog' you immediately out of this layer of issues, which are light, well, they aren't really that compatible a partner anyway). I'd say this layer is just knowing what went wrong in your last relationship and feeling confident that better things are ahead of you than behind. A lot of people cannot feel this way till they meet someone great and new, and I think that's okay (I'm not one of them, but a lot of my friends are, in perfectly healthy ways --- I don't mean those who have major attachment issues and CANNOT be alone; that'd be more a Layer #1 Issue).

 

I think Layer #2 says more about a relationship and Layer #1 says more about the individual. But without both being resolved, a no-drama, healthy, fun, happy relationship is pretty impossible. I suppose a couple could ride out Layer #1 issues, and some have, but it'd be a rocky road. If a couple has Layer #2 issues, they're not going to last because they simply don't live up to the person's past.

[Elisa89]

Any experiences with the ex to share? Which reactions are to be expected?

 

And any experiences with "waiting around", in the sense of not starting the relationship right away but trying to somehow artificially be just friends for some time?

[andrew-bkk]

If he is just dating you to get back on his feet and initially sees the relationship as disposable then it won't work. If you are thinking in the back of your mind that he is only with you to get back into dating and not into a relationship with you then it won't work.

 

Perfect advice.

 

Exactly the same thing happened to me very recently.

 

I used HER to get back on my feet. I never had feelings re: longterm commitment. I just wanted to feel happy again. But SHE, on the other hand, saw the relationship as the start of something special. And SHE got hurt.

 

It's kind of sad how it worked out. I knew SHE was a rebound, and I knew I was using HER. But I couldn't stop it.

 

I think all of us have a deep-rooted desire to feel happy.

 

You must avoid men and women who are recently divored or recently separated. Try to remember that getting over a failed relationship takes about one month for every year you were together.