Can a divorced mom's teenage son come between mom and her boyfriend?

[MrDestiny]

In another thread, I described how my girlfriend broke up with me just 2 weeks after returning from what I thought had been a great trip to Europe.

 

If you read the thread, you'll see that I didn't believe her reason for breaking up with me and I blamed the breakup on her relationship with her 17-year old son. I believe that he didn't like his mom having a boyfriend and he especially didn't like her going off on a 9-day trip to Spain with her boyfriend.

 

I would describe my ex as a typical, modern-day "helicopter" mom. She is very involved in her son's life. They text each other all the time throughout the day and evening. She waits on him hand-and-foot, gives him money all the time and buys him almost whatever he wants. They have a very close relationship.

 

So I'm wondering what others (men and women) think about my theory that my relationship with my ex was ultimately doomed by her relationship with her son. I'm willing to admit that maybe she just lost interest in me or something else happened, like she decided that she liked another guy better. I really don't know what happened. But I'm wondering whether I should avoid divorced women who seem to be too close to their teenage sons.

[shadowwave]

In another thread, I described how my girlfriend broke up with me just 2 weeks after returning from what I thought had been a great trip to Europe.

 

If you read the thread, you'll see that I didn't believe her reason for breaking up with me and I blamed the breakup on her relationship with her 17-year old son. I believe that he didn't like his mom having a boyfriend and he especially didn't like her going off on a 9-day trip to Spain with her boyfriend.

 

I would describe my ex as a typical, modern-day "helicopter" mom. She is very involved in her son's life. They text each other all the time throughout the day and evening. She waits on him hand-and-foot, gives him money all the time and buys him almost whatever he wants. They have a very close relationship.

 

So I'm wondering what others (men and women) think about my theory that my relationship with my ex was ultimately doomed by her relationship with her son. I'm willing to admit that maybe she just lost interest in me or something else happened, like she decided that she liked another guy better. I really don't know what happened. But I'm wondering whether I should avoid divorced women who seem to be too close to their teenage sons.

 

As a mother myself of teenage sons, and I'm divorced....your theory in my opinion is BS.

 

Bottom line was, irrespective of her status, she didn't see a future with you. You either deal with it, or you continue you let your ego tell you she is wrong and carry on thinking about the rejection you encountered thus appearing as anger towards her actions, and thinking up of reasons not about you that lay the blame for the demise of your short lived R with her.

 

My question to you would be how could you see a future with this woman when in your opinion she is a piss poor mother?

 

But yeah....maybe stay away from divorced mom's of teenage boys

[Lucky_One]

Divorced (and re-married) mother of a teenage son. I am probably pretty helicoptery and involved, and we text all the time, and I supplement his wallet as well.

 

I think your theory can be pretty good, depending on how well you and the son get along. ( I admit I didn't read your other thread.) If you and the boy generally were ok before the trip, then I don't think it would be a big issue. If he was suspicious of you, protective of his mother, semi-belligerent or rude to you, then, yeah, I can see where his opinion would definitely influence his mother about continuing a relationship with you.

 

I never ever would have dated a man seriously who didn't get along with my son. He is/was my primary concern; I made a promise to nurture and care for him when I decided to have children. If there was a big personality conflict between the two, then I would break up with the man.

 

If you got along well with the boy, then I am going to guess that the long days of enforced closeness brought some other issues to light for her.

[MrDestiny]

As a mother myself of teenage sons, and I'm divorced....your theory in my opinion is BS.

 

Bottom line was, irrespective of her status, she didn't see a future with you.

 

My question to you would be how could you see a future with this woman when in your opinion she is a piss poor mother?

 

But yeah....maybe stay away from divorced mom's of teenage boys

 

SW, thanks for offering your comments. I sense that my post made you feel a little defensive as a divorced mom with teenage sons. I am not saying that all or most such moms are too close to their sons. I was just saying that this is how I felt about my ex and her son and I was wondering if others had experienced such a situation. One must admit that a son accepting that mom has a boyfriend is not always an easy thing.

 

Also, I do not feel that my ex is a "piss poor mother." She is an excellent mother who loves her sons a great deal. But I do think that she babies them too much, especially her youngest one who still lives at home. I never discussed my opinion with her and I was very understanding of her need to put her sons first in her life. I went out of my way to make sure that she could stay in close touch (by email and phone) with the younger one during our trip.

 

You're probably correct that she just decided that she didn't see a future with me. But we never got the chance to discuss that as adults. Instead, she gave me no clue that things were not going right. We had what I thought was a great trip to Europe and then she suddenly gave me the cold shoulder on our return. After 2 weeks, she went out with me one last time and never talked about our relationship. She chose to break up with me by phone after I finally asked her if something was bothering her. No woman has ever treated me with such cold-hearted disrespect.

 

Also, I regret sending her the email. I should have just posted it here after writing it. It's always better to take the high ground, but when you feel that someone has hurt you a lot, there's a natural desire to strike back. In hindsight, doing so accomplishes nothing.

 

Anyway, the way I feel now is best summed by this song by the Marshall Tucker Band:

 

Well I'm sittin' down in San Antone'

waitin' on the eight o'clock train

My woman left me here last night

things ain't been quite the same

 

I gotta get back to Dallas

and tie up a few loose ends

I'm gonna work a week

make a hundred dollars

ahhh hit the road again

 

So I don't want you to think

that you're the first one

to leave me out here on my own

'cause this ain't gonna be

the first time

this ol' cowboy

spent the night alone

 

Well Honey I've been a fool

but a bigger fool

I can't remember when I've been

Just to open up my heart

and let you walk right in

 

But there's one thing in life

that ain't hard for me to do

and thats as soon as I kiss

the lips of another woman

I'm gonna forget all about you

[MrDestiny]

Divorced (and re-married) mother of a teenage son. I am probably pretty helicoptery and involved, and we text all the time, and I supplement his wallet as well.

 

I think your theory can be pretty good, depending on how well you and the son get along...

 

If you got along well with the boy, then I am going to guess that the long days of enforced closeness brought some other issues to light for her.

 

LO, thanks for your comments. I did get along with the son, though we weren't what I would call buddies. But I did take an active interest in his life. When I first started dating his mom, I spent a whole week (after work each day) on the process of researching, shopping for, and buying a used car to replace his old one that had died.

 

In the final analysis, you're probably right "...that the long days of enforced closeness brought some other issues to light for her." I guess I'll just never find out what those issues were, though.

[D-Lish]

It could have been a factor. My best friend growing up had a single mom for a parent, and a deadbeat dad that just upped and left the family for another woman one day when she had 4 kids under the age of 12. She waited on those kids hand and foot and if a man came into her life, all of the kids would freak out. When the mom dated someone, the kids developed anxiety, and they hated anyone she dated- so she stopped dating. It was all about the kids for her- and it still is to this day (she's 68 and hasn't dated in 30 years).

 

If this is one of the issues that caused the relationship to slide in her eyes, there isn't anything you can do. Most moms will put their children first- often in front of their own needs.

 

You just don't know what kind of baggage other people carry. Maybe the divorce burned her, maybe she just didn't feel it... There are a million possibilities.

 

You're doing what a lot of us do, searching for answers because you think if you find an answer you can fix things.

 

Regardless, you've been hurt, you liked this woman, and it didn't work out. That in itself sucks. The more you search for answers, the more you deny yourself a chance to move on.

 

So it could be that her children didn't like the idea of her being involved with someone and she deemed that their needs came first- but even if that is the case- there was nothing you could have done to change anything.

[MrDestiny]

 

 

...You're doing what a lot of us do, searching for answers because you think if you find an answer you can fix things.

 

Regardless, you've been hurt, you liked this woman, and it didn't work out. That in itself sucks. The more you search for answers, the more you deny yourself a chance to move on.

 

So it could be that her children didn't like the idea of her being involved with someone and she deemed that their needs came first- but even if that is the case- there was nothing you could have done to change anything.

 

 

D-Lish, thanks, I appreciate your wise words.

[MrDestiny]

The free trip to Europe so early on in the relationship might have struck her as an unstated quid pro quo thus making her feel "dirty."

 

It wasn't free but I paid for most of the costs apart from air fare and the 2 nights of hotel that she paid for. It was that way on dates too. Our financial resources were roughly equal, even taking into account the cost of supporting her sons, because she got child support from her 1st husband. She hardly ever volunteered to pay for anything. When we went on that last date right before she dumped me I spent $165 on dinner and the tickets to the show and she volunteered to pay the $8 for parking.