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When to tell BF about previous suicide attempt - before or after sex?


Charlotte123

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Charlotte123

My boyfriend and I have been waiting to have sex for about 4 months now. We are really into each other but haven't done much more then light making out. It's been cold so I've been wearing long sleeves. I have a secret - last summer I had someone close to me die and I reacted badly. I was very depressed and tried to kill myself. I have some pretty bad scars on my wrists. My boyfriend knows that I had a "nervous breakdown" last summer as a result of my friend's death, but he doesn't know the details. He knows I'm in therapy and on anti-depressant medication. I'm doing very well and feel very strong and capable.

 

We are going away together this weekend and I know we are both wanting to make love. Should I have some sort of "talk" with him before then, or just wait and hope he won't notice in the dark? What do you think?

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I know you'll get some advice here, but since you're in therapy have you asked your therapist? He/she knows more of your story and may have exactly the right professional expertise to give you some good advice on this!

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Dont say a word ... wait till he asks. Like that he thinks its not such an issue and a thing of the past.

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I know you'll get some advice here, but since you're in therapy have you asked your therapist? He/she knows more of your story and may have exactly the right professional expertise to give you some good advice on this!

 

This is a good idea.

 

I would say that at this point, it's a good time to tell him if you're ready. Would it hurt you more if he rejected you for this after sex than before? If the answer is "Yes" then in that case, I'd tell him before. That's the "fear" right? That he'll reject you for it. Well, it's possible, but probably not the case, if you're very close and he knows a bit of the issue already. At any rate, you'll always worry about it until you're truly emotionally honest with him, so I'd say decide when you're ready to tell him and then do it. And accept whatever comes and be true to yourself.

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Charlotte123

She pretty much said that I don't have to provide details of what happened and that I should just do what feels right. I haven't asked her whether to do it before or after sex. He may already have figured it out. If someone said they had a "nervous breakdown" what would you think they meant?

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Charlotte123
Dont say a word ... wait till he asks. Like that he thinks its not such an issue and a thing of the past.

 

I like this one. He's really into me. I don't think he will drop me after sex if he sees them, whereas he may if I make a big issue of it before.

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I like this one. He's really into me. I don't think he will drop me after sex if he sees them, whereas he may if I make a big issue of it before.

 

If a guy is in love with you, then scars are not an issue. He'll probably be concerned about you upon hearing it, but that would be a good sign, it means he cares.

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Professor X

Charlotte123, take the advice zengirl gave you and think about what would hurt you more and respond accordingly.

 

"I would say that at this point, it's a good time to tell him if you're ready. Would it hurt you more if he rejected you for this after sex than before? If the answer is "Yes" then in that case, I'd tell him before. That's the "fear" right? That he'll reject you for it. Well, it's possible, but probably not the case, if you're very close and he knows a bit of the issue already. At any rate, you'll always worry about it until you're truly emotionally honest with him, so I'd say decide when you're ready to tell him and then do it. And accept whatever comes and be true to yourself."

 

I like this one. He's really into me. I don't think he will drop me after sex if he sees them, whereas he may if I make a big issue of it before.

I don't like it cause it may imply that he's gonna stay with you just because of the sex, which is wrong.

 

 

Good luck! =)

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If someone said they had a "nervous breakdown" what would you think they meant?

 

I wouldn't immediately assume that they had attempted suicide, if that's what you mean.

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Charlotte123

I don't think I'm capable of answering that question objectively - I would say - play it down, don't make a big deal of it, wait for him to bring it up. But then again, that may just be my fear of losing him.

 

Prof - I don't think he would stay with me just for the sex - I don't believe that. We have an emotional relationship as a foundation. What would YOU do if you discovered the girl you were dating had scars on her wrists?

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I don't think I'm capable of answering that question objectively - I would say - play it down, don't make a big deal of it, wait for him to bring it up. But then again, that may just be my fear of losing him.

 

Prof - I don't think he would stay with me just for the sex - I don't believe that. We have an emotional relationship as a foundation. What would YOU do if you discovered the girl you were dating had scars on her wrists?

 

If a guy told me he'd tried to commit suicide, I would weigh my choices based on a few factors: (1) How emotionally stable they seem now, (2) How long ago it happened, (3) How they'd addressed the problem.

 

Personally, I would respect a man who told me sooner (not like 1st date soon, but not necessarily months in) rather than later. Four months in would be kind of an iffy zone for me, personally. . . but it depends how the relationship has gone in general (at 4 months, I'm usually already pretty serious with a guy and we're having sex, integrating our lives, etc), and it's still an okay zone. A year? Far too long. Telling me sooner would show me he's dealt with his issues and accepts who he is and what has happened in his past. But I really like people who accept and celebrate who they are. Everyone is different. I find it amazing that you could date for 4 months and he's never seen your arms. . . I've never had a relationship that went that slowly (Not saying that's a bad thing; just illustrating that MY 4 months is obviously different than yours).

 

I also think the longer you repress it, the worse it will be for you. However, I'm not suggesting you tell him before you're emotionally ready to do so. And I think the idea oak suggested of consulting your therapist is a great one!

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Don't say anything about it. It sounds silly but just don't make it a big deal, even though it obviously was a big deal. If a naked woman is in front of me the last thing I notice is her wrists anyway.

 

He already knows the deal, when he does notice the scars he'll put two and two together and know what happened without you having to tell him.

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when you do eventually show him your wrists his first thought isnt going to be you tried to kill yourself, its going to be that you cut. Most of the time when i see that i dont see it as someone wanting to die as much as someone in pain. That combined with the "nervous breakdown" you told him about will be fine.

 

If he asks just tell him you couldnt havdle the friends death and you felt the need to cut. It got bad enough to *almost* kill yourself then you realized it was a problem and stopped and got help. Its only as big of a deal as you make it. Remember that.

:)

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Your fear is understandable, although most fear is unfounded. You might want to consider telling him before you go away so that he has time to process any feelings he has about it before your trip. Being honest and clear about it and your fear will give him as much information as you have, and that can help you guys build your relationship.

 

Something along the lines of, "I have something to tell you. I was afraid you might think less of me, but I want to tell you this before we go away so that you don't feel cornered or pressured. I have injuries on my wrists from when I had my nervous breakdown."

 

If that doesn't sound like your way to do things or is too hard to do right now, your own suggestion sounds fine to me. I've never felt anything but compassion for anyone with injuries on their wrists (my ex, a former friend, my next door neighbour) and whilst I notice some people are a bit scared by the injuries on my wrists from last year, I notice a lot more people are not, and of those that are shocked by them, most of them come around once they what what I am like as a person now, not then.

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If you're worried about how he'll react when he sees your cuts, why don't you take off the sleeves and let him see your scars before things get frisky? Wear a t-shirt or sleeveless shirt sometimes this week, and don't hide them, but don't wave your arms in front of him either. That way, he'll see them, assume what happened, and if he brings it up, then talk about it. If he doesn't, then I don't think you should worry about it. He may not be comfortable talking about things, and I don't think you should risk losing the spark before this weekend over something that happened last year.

 

I know how it feels to feel that you should tell a potential lover a big secret like this, but truth be told, they may not want to know that secret, or may not need to know it in order to feel the way they do towards you. Like I said, let him bring it up, don't force the topic upon him.

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Follow Lilmisus's advice.

 

Don't let your past struggles define you. You don't have to tell him unless he asks.

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I wouldn't immediately assume that they had attempted suicide, if that's what you mean.

 

Being in therapy and on antidepressants does imply that you had either siucidal ideation or attempts. Nervous breardown does not imply anything.

If he is fine with you being in therapy and on medication, he should be Ok with your suicidal attempts as well. In fact, all the things are not the best prersentation for a serious LTR unless your guy either had no experiences with situations like that or has special preferences for that.

Anyway, it is important what he is looking for. If he is looking for sex, he is going to drop you after sex no matter your past. If he is looking for R, he is going to give it a try unless you are totally maladaptive.

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LeaningIntoTheMuse

I'd say wait and see.

 

If he notices and brings it up, then talk to him about it. If he doesn't, then bring it up afterward.

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